I think my Ex might be playing me :(

[INTERPOL]

Hey guys, I guess I'll brief you on

About 11 months ago I had broke up with my first girlfriend that I loved dearly, and about 2 weeks after we'd finished, my best friend at the time decided to betray me by going out with her and leaving me behind, even to the point of him saying "I don't think we should speak much anymore". That destroyed me, absolutely destroyed me. I was depressed and stuck in a rut. Healing from that took even longer considering I had to see them at school 5 days a week aswell.

Me and her were strictly no contact for 10 months, I talked to me ex best friend occasionally when it was necessary (school class groups and such).

So about 20 days ago she contacted me, we talked and agreed to be civil as she said she thought it was unnecessary for us to be so cold towards eachother. Since then we've been talking ALOT, almost everday online for hours, all the time at school, and I've been on nights out with her and our mutual friends. She's almost always the one to contact me in person and online. She teases me all the time aswell. I honestly think she speaks to me more than she does her b/f.

I still love her and I know I'm falling for her again unfortunately...
But she is still with my ex-best friend so I feel like I'm being played :/

Any advice guys? It would be greatly apppreciated (sorry it's so long..)

 

[jjam]

pursue

someone

else

 

[floffyschneeman]

hmmmm, It would be best for you to get another girl. Cos you seem like a nice guy who deserves a nice girl too. I don't know what's up with your ex. Maybe she is losing interest on your ex-best friend hence, talking and being nice to you (and flirting a bit e.g. the teasing). It seems like she's playing safe, threading closely on the line of blowing two fires at the same time. It's up to you to fall into that. but for me, I don't think I could be with someone who so easily broke my heart. Sure, we could be friends and by that I mean real friendship and not civil friendship, but I don't know if I could still trust my heart with that person again.

 

[INTERPOL]

hmmmm, It would be best for you to get another girl. Cos you seem like a nice guy who deserves a nice girl too. I don't know what's up with your ex. Maybe she is losing interest on your ex-best friend hence, talking and being nice to you (and flirting a bit e.g. the teasing). It seems like she's playing safe, threading closely on the line of blowing two fires at the same time. It's up to you to fall into that. but for me, I don't think I could be with someone who so easily broke my heart. Sure, we could be friends and by that I mean real friendship and not civil friendship, but I don't know if I could still trust my heart with that person again.

Thanks! But unfortunately I'm not a big hit with the ladies so much :/ I think i maybe fall into the "nice guys finish last" category :/
I think your right, as someone else I asked about it said "she wants the best of both worlds".
We've both broke eachothers hearts, I'm not gonna sugarcoat what happened, it was me who ended it and ended up regretting it, though I don't think I deserved her going off with my best friend at the time :/
Your probably right about finding someone else, but it's easier said than done in my case unfortunately :/ Thanks for your advice, it means a lot

 

[Soup]

Option 1:

Tell her you're not interested, the past is the past, but the past has still happened

Option 2:

Have sex with her and then use option 1

 

[SophiaGrace]

Option 2:

Have sex with her and then use option 1

What the **** is wrong with you to suggest this?

 

[Callie]

Honestly, I think you should cut off contact with her. It's not helping you at all and you'll just get hurt even more by it. Believe me, I know exactly how it feels to be hurt over and over again by the same person.

Cut your losses and move on (and yes, I know how hard that is too)

And above all else, do NOT do anything that Soup suggests.

 

[INTERPOL]

I think cutting off contact would help a lot, but I see her everyday at school and just stopping contact with her would make things awkward at school and the group of friends we both have.

awwwwww this is far to difficult

LOL not listening to Soup's advice is now an unwritten rule now.

 

[Luna]

A lot of women feed off the attention.
This woman I know dumped this guy...once he found a girlfriend, she's back into his life and won't leave him alone.

 

[floffyschneeman]

Easier said than done, but if there's the will, there's always the way

If she's not happy with her boyfriend, she should break up with him. Regardless of who will take her (again) after. If she's still in love with him, then she shouldn't flirt with you, specially since she was the reason you and your best friend aren't best friends anymore. I am not saying she's a bad person, but what if you ask her why she's suddenly all flirty with you? It's really up to you but then think about it, what she is doing with her boyfriend now, she might do to you, once she found another dude. A girl who could so suddenly shift affection from one person to the next is very dangerous, she would hurt people and herself. It's your choice where to put yourself. But I wish you luck, lotsa of it

 

[INTERPOL]

Easier said than done, but if there's the will, there's always the way

If she's not happy with her boyfriend, she should break up with him. Regardless of who will take her (again) after. If she's still in love with him, then she shouldn't flirt with you, specially since she was the reason you and your best friend aren't best friends anymore. I am not saying she's a bad person, but what if you ask her why she's suddenly all flirty with you? It's really up to you but then think about it, what she is doing with her boyfriend now, she might do to you, once she found another dude. A girl who could so suddenly shift affection from one person to the next is very dangerous, she would hurt people and herself. It's your choice where to put yourself. But I wish you luck, lotsa of it

True, there is always a way I guess, just no such thing as an easy one lol.

I'll think hard about whether asking her or not, but my gut says that she'll just say something like "we've always talked like this" or "I don't think it's flirty". Then again, it might give her a wake up call as to what she's doing. It's weird because I've actually seen her b/f trying to get attention from her and multiple times she's barely gave him any, she'll go do something else or she'll go talk to other people instead. And with me, she'll come up to me and give me attention quite frequently. I don't know what her motives are but it's most likely hurting both me and her current b/f, kinda makes me feel bad, I've actually tried to avoid her on occasion so she'll talk to him more.

Thanks for all the advice guys it helps ALOT. Most of you seem to think I should cut my ties and be done with her, and I think you would be right in advising that, she's toxic to me :/
I guess the next step is how to go about this, I think it'd best be a gradual thing to minimise emotional pain and awkwardness.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

you know...guys do that to thier friends all the time...
Tell you your gf is a bitch and she's not good for you and all that horse ****.
Probably tell her lots of ******** about you to her too.
then turn around and go out with her.

You're not the only one..so dont freak out too hard.
Yes it's a ****** up situations.
But hey..look on the bright side..better you learn it now or go through
it now then find out about this **** after you're married and have babies.

So you're stuck with the the trust issues crap...
Maybe you might try something different for a while...like, go out with a lot of women.
Date alot of women...without strings, empty promises, commitments or whatever
the **** women tell you what a relationship should be like...it's freeing.
This way you know what you're dealing with and not second guessing yourself or anyone.
Take the trust out of the equation..if it's an issue.

 

[INTERPOL]

you know...guys do that to thier friends all the time...
Tell you your gf is a bitch and she's not good for you and all that horse ****.
Probably tell her lots of ******** about you to her too.
then turn around and go out with her.

You're not the only one..so dont freak out too hard.
Yes it's a ****** up situations.
But hey..look on the bright side..better you learn it now or go through
it now then find out about this **** after you're married and have babies.

So you're stuck with the the trust issues crap...
Maybe you might try something different for a while...like, go out with a lot of women.
Date alot of women...without strings, empty promises, commitments or whatever
the **** women tell you what a relationship should be like...it's freeing.
This way you know what you're dealing with and not second guessing yourself or anyone.
Take the trust out of the equation..if it's an issue.

Yea It sucks BIGTIME

Over the last 10 months I've been seeing other women and such but it never gets to anything serious (or anywhere good for that matter). Though your advice is right. I guess I can only keep trying :/

Thanks for the advice, hopefully this time next year I'll be at Uni, a whole new roster of girls to meet and maybe end up finding the one Just gotta keep looking to the future.

 

[dorky76]

Well since you are the one that broke it off first that does change the whole scenery. If she dumped you, I would have said run for the hills and don't look back.

Tell you what, you are going to keep feeling confused like this because you just don't know how she feels. That is what you need to resolve, instead of coming on here and asking for advice, you should be telling her how you feel and go from there. If she tells you she has no feelings for you other than "just friends" or if she has a boyfriend then you need to be ready to cut ties right there. Be prepared to move on from her and never speak to her again. She will either break it off with her boyfriend and come back to you, or it just wasn't meant to be.

This whole friendship after relationship thing rarely works, especially when feelings are still involved. From the way you are describing things, it sounds like she still likes you also. Maybe that's why she went out with your best friend so she could feel closer to you. You will never know, until you ask. To be honest, your friend is the bigger douche for going after your ex in the first place.

Now this being said, you need to ask yourself one question before you actually do any of this. Why did you guys break up in the first place? Think of that reason before you do anything first.

 

[INTERPOL]

Well since you are the one that broke it off first that does change the whole scenery. If she dumped you, I would have said run for the hills and don't look back.

Tell you what, you are going to keep feeling confused like this because you just don't know how she feels. That is what you need to resolve, instead of coming on here and asking for advice, you should be telling her how you feel and go from there. If she tells you she has no feelings for you other than "just friends" or if she has a boyfriend then you need to be ready to cut ties right there. Be prepared to move on from her and never speak to her again. She will either break it off with her boyfriend and come back to you, or it just wasn't meant to be.

This whole friendship after relationship thing rarely works, especially when feelings are still involved. From the way you are describing things, it sounds like she still likes you also. Maybe that's why she went out with your best friend so she could feel closer to you. You will never know, until you ask. To be honest, your friend is the bigger douche for going after your ex in the first place.

Now this being said, you need to ask yourself one question before you actually do any of this. Why did you guys break up in the first place? Think of that reason before you do anything first.

I've really wanted to ask her how she feels for a long time, but I always dread the worst. If she says she just wants to be friends then it'll be awkward having to see her everyday at school for the next year and we might even end up not speaking, plus her current b/f probs wont be happy with me asking her that (not too bothered about his reaction tbh).

I still to this day don't know how my friend could have done that to me, I could never do such a thing to a person I considered a best friend, or even a friend for that matter. He just cares about himself more than anything else in the world I guess.

I know why we broke up in the the first place, it was because I couldn't get the right balance between seeing her and seeing my friends. I don't know why but I always seemed to keep them separate. This led to me takingher for granted and just start to act like a complete dick, looking back on it I'm disgusted in myself for acting the way I did. But from being away from her for so long, I've realised just how valuable she is to me and that I've thrown away a unique treasure that can never be 100% replaced. I've learned never to take someone for granted again as they are a unique individual on this planet and deserve so much respect.

Thanks for your advice by the way, I need to go and think for a while.

 

[dorky76]

You sound like your really young. From what your saying I guess your 16 or 17. At your age your still learning how to deal with the opposite sex and with others in general. I know this sounds unbelievable now, but trust me when I say this, you will meet other women. She is not the last girl you will meet.

All your doing is torturing yourself. You will not move on from this until you resolve it somehow. Either try and get her back, or move on. Stop thinking about what might happen. You don't think your life, you live it. So go and do something about it. If she says no, then refer back to what I said before this. If its awkward between you two afterwards, then stop talking to her altogether. If you don't cut ties, you only have yourself to blame for your misery.

I know this very well from my own experience. It's all part of growing up.

 

[INTERPOL]

Your right I'm 17. I know I'll meet other women but I can't help but think I'll never meet anyone with as many good and similar quality's to me. Even then, when I think about it logically with all emotions aside, I guess the probablity of finding someone even better suited to me is actually much higher than I think.

You hit the nail on the head with "you don't think your life, you live it." Thats exactly what I do, always thinking and contemplating things instead of actually DOING things. Thats really opened my eyes I have to say.

Your right, I think maybe I need to actually hear it from her that she has no feelings for me to get rid of this false hope I always seem to hang onto.

Thanks for your advice, it's extremely helpful

 

[freedom]

it seems you're in a bit of a pickle.

i've been in this kind of situation before, so i'll tell you about my experience and hopefully you can draw some advice or insight from it.

it's best just to stay friends with her and try like hell not to fall for her... i know you're probably thinking that it's easier said than done, but i'm here to tell you that it's not. you can just be friends with her and not fall for her. you just really have to try. you have to kill all hope of being with her. the more you think about hooking back up with her, the more likely you'll fall for her.

if all else fails, you can go back to not talking to her, but you'll have to learn to live with the regret of not knowing what could have been. i know it kind of sounds like i just contradicted myself in my advice to you, but that's the way the game is.

i wish you the best of luck on your ventures.

-freedom

 

[INTERPOL]

it seems you're in a bit of a pickle.

i've been in this kind of situation before, so i'll tell you about my experience and hopefully you can draw some advice or insight from it.

it's best just to stay friends with her and try like hell not to fall for her... i know you're probably thinking that it's easier said than done, but i'm here to tell you that it's not. you can just be friends with her and not fall for her. you just really have to try. you have to kill all hope of being with her. the more you think about hooking back up with her, the more likely you'll fall for her.

if all else fails, you can go back to not talking to her, but you'll have to learn to live with the regret of not knowing what could have been. i know it kind of sounds like i just contradicted myself in my advice to you, but that's the way the game is.

i wish you the best of luck on your ventures.

-freedom

If I could do that then that would be my most preffered option to do in this situation but I'm not sure how I can. I mean, I thought I was over her after 10 months of no contact, but after I'd started talking to her again, all the feelings came back and it feels like those 10 months did absolutely nothing to help me.

I might end up having to go back to no contact, it made me feel better but It's not something I want to do because I really enjoy having her as a friend.

Can't wait until I've finished High School and I can hopefully go to Uni and meet new people

Thanks a lot for your advice, I really appreciate it

 

[dorky76]

If you follow freedoms advice, your back to where you are now... Not the best advice I would give to someone in your situation.

Let me also tell you from experience. If you let things linger on, you won't magically forget what happened when you finish high school. Lasting lost loves can last a long time, especially for thinkers like yourself. I've had a lost love effect me for over 10 years. That was 10 YEARS of my life gone thinking about what didn't become. I am also prone to overthinking situations like you. When you resolve an issue, it will help you get over it faster. Maybe not easier, but at least you wont spend a decade thinking about what could have been. If you're prepared to be in the "friend" zone with this girl and have it eat away at you follow freedoms advice. It sounds like the easy way out, but it isn't. Its the most emotionally draining situation you can put yourself in. YOU WILL NOT BE HAPPY!

Overthinking has both helped me and hurt me in the past. If I had to weigh it out, it has hurt me FAR more often than actually helping me. To this day, it makes me hesitate asking a girl out, EVEN AFTER I know she has interest in me. With the experiences I have, I struggle with the question is this another girl that will do hurtful things to me? I know its hard not to do it, but sometimes you just have to tell yourself to stop thinking about it and do it. It's best to get in thje habbit of just doing things at your age. It helps you build strong social skills that will help you stay happy for the rest of your life. You don't want to live life aiming for a girls "friend" zone do you?

It's simple, if you want something. Be a man and either pursue it without doubt (just like your friend did) or be a pansy and sit on the sidelines. Your choice.

Sorry for the tough choice of words, but sometimes the blunt truth is what gets you.

PS this thread should be retitled, I think I am playing myself. Because that is exactly whats happening here.