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Guest
Guest
I would just like to share a happy experience with everyone here, as I have felt very alienated throughout my life.
Throughout pretty much all of my adolescence, I have had these images of what a meaningful social circle should look like. These ideas likely have their foundations within media that I was exposed to as a child, but still, as I grew up I saw other kids with large groups of friends seemingly filled with laughter and openness. I never had a big group of friends that I could reveal myself to. Actually throughout my life there have only been about 2 people who I have truly revealed myself to. Whether or not I have taken for granted other relationships in my life is another story, but I have largely grown up with varying levels of depression and optimism for the future as a result of my perception that I did not belong anywhere. I am usually very pessimistic, angry, resentful and sad. I don't see myself as belonging to these happy groups of young people that I see every day.
Today I felt oddly different. Last night, I danced goofily with my ex-girlfriend in my room for my last half hour as a 20 year old. After that, when I woke up in the morning I felt different. It was as if time stood still. Throughout the day I looked back at the moments in life that I usually thought of and sorrowfully missed and instead, this time I thought back and appreciated the fact that I had those times. It seemed as though there was a different orchestra playing in my mind. I was laughing to myself throughout the day. I thought about my childhood and the future. I pictured myself in social circles at school. I pictured myself making the same jokes that I used to make when I was in high school, making others happy, making myself happy. At Black Angus, the waiter took a poloroid picture of me and my desert. It was the first picture of me as a 21 year old. I liked the way I smiled. The whole day was like an out of body experience for me as I had been sad for a long long time. When I got home from dinner I sat on my driveway and looked at the environment that I've grown up in and all the experiences that I could remember from my neighborhood.
I didn't do anything big for my birthday. I stayed home, studied and went out to eat with my family, yet it was still one of the best days of my life and for some reason I still had this odd surreal feeling that I may have never felt before. It was like a realization that things can change. These are the times I live for, however rare they may be. They are so beautiful. I can't expect to convey how I felt today, but I can say that I am very hopeful that there may be some momentum left in me and that the other side of me may be growing weaker, the side of me that hates and doesn't care about death. I wished that this year would bring me happiness. This may mean a change in the way I view things, or the situations that I will be in, but I hope it happens. Maybe sometimes we just need to slow down and calm our minds. Lately I have been making it a point to try to get into contact with a couple of people thagt I have lost touch with. Maybe that will help me. I think I may try to be a little more outgoing at school. Maybe I will try to fully appreciate everything that I already do have as well. God, I hope this year lives up to my wish.
Throughout pretty much all of my adolescence, I have had these images of what a meaningful social circle should look like. These ideas likely have their foundations within media that I was exposed to as a child, but still, as I grew up I saw other kids with large groups of friends seemingly filled with laughter and openness. I never had a big group of friends that I could reveal myself to. Actually throughout my life there have only been about 2 people who I have truly revealed myself to. Whether or not I have taken for granted other relationships in my life is another story, but I have largely grown up with varying levels of depression and optimism for the future as a result of my perception that I did not belong anywhere. I am usually very pessimistic, angry, resentful and sad. I don't see myself as belonging to these happy groups of young people that I see every day.
Today I felt oddly different. Last night, I danced goofily with my ex-girlfriend in my room for my last half hour as a 20 year old. After that, when I woke up in the morning I felt different. It was as if time stood still. Throughout the day I looked back at the moments in life that I usually thought of and sorrowfully missed and instead, this time I thought back and appreciated the fact that I had those times. It seemed as though there was a different orchestra playing in my mind. I was laughing to myself throughout the day. I thought about my childhood and the future. I pictured myself in social circles at school. I pictured myself making the same jokes that I used to make when I was in high school, making others happy, making myself happy. At Black Angus, the waiter took a poloroid picture of me and my desert. It was the first picture of me as a 21 year old. I liked the way I smiled. The whole day was like an out of body experience for me as I had been sad for a long long time. When I got home from dinner I sat on my driveway and looked at the environment that I've grown up in and all the experiences that I could remember from my neighborhood.
I didn't do anything big for my birthday. I stayed home, studied and went out to eat with my family, yet it was still one of the best days of my life and for some reason I still had this odd surreal feeling that I may have never felt before. It was like a realization that things can change. These are the times I live for, however rare they may be. They are so beautiful. I can't expect to convey how I felt today, but I can say that I am very hopeful that there may be some momentum left in me and that the other side of me may be growing weaker, the side of me that hates and doesn't care about death. I wished that this year would bring me happiness. This may mean a change in the way I view things, or the situations that I will be in, but I hope it happens. Maybe sometimes we just need to slow down and calm our minds. Lately I have been making it a point to try to get into contact with a couple of people thagt I have lost touch with. Maybe that will help me. I think I may try to be a little more outgoing at school. Maybe I will try to fully appreciate everything that I already do have as well. God, I hope this year lives up to my wish.
