I wish people (my parents mainly) understood that it is very hard for me to concentrate on job applications, when I know that getting a job alone will not be enough to fix my life. It's frustrating that they seem to think I can live like a robot or a machine, I can just ignore all my other problems in life, and just do applications and then work. I can't figure out what I might be interested in doing, or try to figure out how attraction works. It's hard to deal with this, when I'm also dealing with pessimism and despair.
For one, I probably won't even get the job. For two, even if I did, I'd still have the problem of being a boring, unimpressive/uninteresting person, I wouldn't be good at anything interesting and I wouldn't have any ideas and I'd still have "no personality". And I'd have a lot less time to work on that. And I don't know if it's even possible at all, or if I just don't have the talent to be anything interesting, and I'm stuck being a boring person, it's all I have the genes to be. And because of all this, I don't like my life very much, it's very easy for me to feel pessimistic, which makes me uninterested in anything.
That's the problem.
I know that no one is attracted to a pessimist.
But I feel pessimistic because I feel like I'm stuck in a crappy life, which also makes me uninterested in anything because I feel like it's either impossible for me, or won't change anything even if I could do it.
Which contributes to no one being attracted to me.
Which contributes to me being stuck in a crappy life, etc.
And so on, and so on.
It's important to be able to get good at something instead of "just for fun", because it ISN'T fun for me to do something just to suck at it. That doesn't make me feel good about myself, it makes me feel like someone who is limited to sucking at something, it makes me feel inferior, like a loser, and that's the opposite of what I want to feel. It's frustrating and humiliating and not enjoyable at all. It's very important to me, if I find something I like or think is cool, to be able to meaningfully, significantly improve, otherwise it's silly and I might as well not bother. If I'm limited to always sucking at it, having no capacity to improve, then **** it, I might as well just surf the internet instead. It won't be fun for me to be stuck sucking at it, and it won't impress/interest anyone in me either, so if all it's ever going to be for me is a way to kill time, there are easier ways to do that.
And it's hard to do something that I KNOW isn't going to fix my life, when I don't know what to do to fix it, or if there even is anything I could do to fix it. All I know is, when I'm working, the days are going to go by like minutes. My life is probably going to be working, coming home tired, apathetic, and in a foul mood from doing something I don't like all day, surfing the internet for a bit, MAYBE exercising if I'm lucky, and that's it, that's my day, that's my life. I can't see how that will give me anything interesting to talk about or show for myself, and I'll be too tired/drained/burned out to think thoughts or care about anything. Everything will be "meh"/"whatever". I won't have time to figure anything out. I'll be stuck with whatever knowledge or abilities I have, in the present. If it's not enough to get anyone interested in me, and I don't see how it will, then I'm screwed. I don't know how I can attract anyone, when I'm stuck in a life I hate because I can't get good at anything interesting, and I'm stuck doing something boring all day. I'll come home and either everything will get on my nerves, or I just won't care about anything. Either way, I won't be experiencing much joy. And if I'm not a happy person, no one is going to want to get to know me, because all I can do is bring their mood down and have nothing interesting to say, because I'm always down, can't do interesting things, and aren't interested in anything because I feel like it's all probably impossible for me and my life is probably hopeless.
This is why I want to figure out what I might actually want to do for work, what I might want to do to be an interesting person, and how attraction works, because I want the peace of mind that I know what to do for these things, before I'll have no time to figure them out, and I'm stuck with whatever I know at that point. If I know how these things work, then I can have the peace of mind that I know how to do those things, and I can just work knowing that I can change things when I'm ready. But if I don't know how these things work, then it will hang over my head - what if I never figure it out? I don't put a lot of stock in hoping. I've spent my whole life hoping things would get better on their own, hoping someday I'd just figure it out or I'd just know what to do, and it never happened. The answers never came to me. So I want to know what I'm doing, so I don't spend the rest of my life just sitting around waiting and hoping for things to fix themselves, that aren't going to.
Honestly I wish I could be someone else that didn't have these problems. Most of the time I feel like I will never figure out the way out of this. I need to do something that makes money, but I ALSO need to do something to be interesting and "get a personality"/get a "life", when I don't know how I'll have time for this. I can't go back to my teens and figure out how to get good at some kind of activity that's considered interesting, I have to learn it today, when I also have to work. And then on top of all of that, I have to figure out the right way to talk to people to get them attracted to me. I don't know how the hell I can do that. I just don't have any "game". I don't think I'm better than anyone, because I've been bad at everything I've tried, and not strong anywhere. I don't think naturally in terms of smooth talk, I don't flirt, I don't tease, I'm not witty, sarcastic, or cunning. I'm not socially dominant at all. I come off as stiff and serious and not "fun" or "playful". I just don't know what to do. And I feel like I either won't have time to figure it out, or that I was never capable of getting anywhere or attracting anyone at all, and I'm stuck being a boring person because I wasn't born with the capacity to be anything else.
