I'm alone and don't know how to be anything else

[Zhiego]

Maybe this isn't the right forum for this kind of post, but I figure I'll try anyway.

I'm (nearly) 24 years old. I haven't been on a date in about 4 years, and that ended up going nowhere like every previous attempt. I've never been in a relationship with a girl. I have no idea what to say to women, or even how to find a woman I'm attracted to who isn't already in a serious relationship, usually.

I've been told by several people I'm an attractive guy, although I have a lot of trouble believing it. I have one friend who, about a year or so ago, tried to set me up with her friends several times. The first time she said "hey, X is single now, you should totally make a move" my response was "why? I'll just screw it up." I like to tell myself that I've changed enough now that if presented with the situation again I might actually go for it, but to be honest, I would still just probably think "what reason do I have to think she might be the least bit interested in me?", since that's exactly what I think when I meet an actual girl I'm attracted to.

I'm not a loner or a shut-in by any means. I have several groups of friends that I interact with regularly; I go out with people probably 2 or 3 times a week. I actually am pretty good with meeting and getting to know new people, I'm not shy at all - so long as I keep the thought "there's no possibility of dating/getting involved with this person".

The friend who set me up is married to my best friend from high school(that's how we met); she insists that of all of her husbands high school friends (most of us are still pretty close), I'm the only one she can picture ever getting married, because she thinks that I am smart, funny, caring, sensitive, a bunch of other good qualities, etc. I agree with most of what she says about me (didn't used to, but I've put a lot of effort into trying to improve my self-esteem), but I don't understand why any of that means I have a snowball's chance of getting involved with anybody, because of all of them I'm the only one who has no idea how to date, let alone be in a relationship. Given the high level of stubbornness and grilling I've subjected her to, I can reasonably assume she believes what she tells me and is not just patronizing me or trying to spare my feelings. However, part of me wants to say (I haven't, and don't plan to) that because she's married, she can spend all day telling me what a great guy I am, because she doesn't have to worry that I'll misinterpret and think she's interested in me; if she were single I don't think for a second she would be - I could effectively tell her to "put up or shut up" and she'd prove what she REALLY thought of me. (I don't think it would matter, because we're both so argumentative that we'd be at each other's throats constantly if we were together, but you get my point.) Further, most of my guy friends have girls hitting on them/making their attraction known on a fairly regular basis. Whether said girls are really desirable or not is another thing, but then again, girls don't ever show any interest in me period, so I'm that much farther behind.

I feel stupid when trying to work up the nerve to ask a girl out. I have no idea how to transition to it, or make it sound natural/not forced; I think about whether it's stupid of me to even ask in each case because I haven't seen her give any sign that she's actually interested and she (and everyone else) will think I was a moron for thinking it was a good idea; my lack of experience just exacerbates the problem in my mind, because I think any girl who found out about it would assume it means there is something inexcusably wrong with me. At this point, I'm basically training myself to accept the idea that I'll just be alone for my entire life. I don't have any idea what it's like to be in a relationship with anybody, to have any kind of intimate contact with anybody. I feel like it's a significant possibility that I will never know, and that if I want to have even a limited happiness in life, I should accept that.

I don't really know what I want by posting this here, maybe I just wanted to see what people here thought of it. I guess I needed to get it out too, because I really can't talk about this stuff to any of my friends.

 

[Enchantress]

Don't think about it alot.Don't keep telling yourself that you can't ask a girl out.It takes nothing by the way.I am a girl and was one of those people who even if I'm interested in a guy would give no sign including not even look at him and ignore him and I don't know why.Thankfully,I've discovered that doing this was not helping me get to know any of those guys I liked so now I have learnt to show it when I like someone and interested so that I get a response.Alot of girls are actually like that.They don't show anything and you have to double your efforts to break the ice.But hey,don't worry speak to any girl you like casually first then start warming up.Be easygoing just be friendly and charming and nice asking a girl out isn't a big deal and if she refuses isn't a big deal too.I know it's way easier said than done but if you keep in mind that it isn't the end of the world you can do it.That's life right? You have to try out and take chances I guess =] No pain no gain xD

 

[It was Mine]

I don't really like "king of the hill" but there was one episode i had seen where Hank "the dad" sends bobby "his son" to go with his friend "boomhower" to see if he can learn how to pick up ladies. Boomhower being a huge womanizer. So they get to the mall and Boomhower gets slapped like 50 times than he finally gets one! ha i thought it was funny. So yeah, moral of the story? prepare to get rejected a billion time's before you get success. But also remember, it only takes one.

 

[viviana]

can i see pictures
send ur your picture, and then all the girls here will come crawling, then maybe if they let you, i am sure they will. you can choose
hehehe, just a thought.
i hear you. you know i've also come to the conclusion that maybe i am a fallen angel, or it's just bad Karma. i think God send me back here to rot and suffer every single day, by making it impossible for me to meet someone all the while keep rubbing in my face all kind of couple holding hand in the streets, kissing passionately. mixed, or not mixed couples. like this is my version and personnel hell.eeeeeevery single day. uhhhf. but do do what i ask if u don't mind.
hmm and where the hell r u from also?

Maybe this isn't the right forum for this kind of post, but I figure I'll try anyway.

I'm (nearly) 24 years old. I haven't been on a date in about 4 years, and that ended up going nowhere like every previous attempt. I've never been in a relationship with a girl. I have no idea what to say to women, or even how to find a woman I'm attracted to who isn't already in a serious relationship, usually.

I've been told by several people I'm an attractive guy, although I have a lot of trouble believing it. I have one friend who, about a year or so ago, tried to set me up with her friends several times. The first time she said "hey, X is single now, you should totally make a move" my response was "why? I'll just screw it up." I like to tell myself that I've changed enough now that if presented with the situation again I might actually go for it, but to be honest, I would still just probably think "what reason do I have to think she might be the least bit interested in me?", since that's exactly what I think when I meet an actual girl I'm attracted to.

I'm not a loner or a shut-in by any means. I have several groups of friends that I interact with regularly; I go out with people probably 2 or 3 times a week. I actually am pretty good with meeting and getting to know new people, I'm not shy at all - so long as I keep the thought "there's no possibility of dating/getting involved with this person".

The friend who set me up is married to my best friend from high school(that's how we met); she insists that of all of her husbands high school friends (most of us are still pretty close), I'm the only one she can picture ever getting married, because she thinks that I am smart, funny, caring, sensitive, a bunch of other good qualities, etc. I agree with most of what she says about me (didn't used to, but I've put a lot of effort into trying to improve my self-esteem), but I don't understand why any of that means I have a snowball's chance of getting involved with anybody, because of all of them I'm the only one who has no idea how to date, let alone be in a relationship. Given the high level of stubbornness and grilling I've subjected her to, I can reasonably assume she believes what she tells me and is not just patronizing me or trying to spare my feelings. However, part of me wants to say (I haven't, and don't plan to) that because she's married, she can spend all day telling me what a great guy I am, because she doesn't have to worry that I'll misinterpret and think she's interested in me; if she were single I don't think for a second she would be - I could effectively tell her to "put up or shut up" and she'd prove what she REALLY thought of me. (I don't think it would matter, because we're both so argumentative that we'd be at each other's throats constantly if we were together, but you get my point.) Further, most of my guy friends have girls hitting on them/making their attraction known on a fairly regular basis. Whether said girls are really desirable or not is another thing, but then again, girls don't ever show any interest in me period, so I'm that much farther behind.

I feel stupid when trying to work up the nerve to ask a girl out. I have no idea how to transition to it, or make it sound natural/not forced; I think about whether it's stupid of me to even ask in each case because I haven't seen her give any sign that she's actually interested and she (and everyone else) will think I was a moron for thinking it was a good idea; my lack of experience just exacerbates the problem in my mind, because I think any girl who found out about it would assume it means there is something inexcusably wrong with me. At this point, I'm basically training myself to accept the idea that I'll just be alone for my entire life. I don't have any idea what it's like to be in a relationship with anybody, to have any kind of intimate contact with anybody. I feel like it's a significant possibility that I will never know, and that if I want to have even a limited happiness in life, I should accept that.

I don't really know what I want by posting this here, maybe I just wanted to see what people here thought of it. I guess I needed to get it out too, because I really can't talk about this stuff to any of my friends.

 

[Zhiego]

Viviana, maybe I'll post a picture later, but right now I don't know if I feel comfortable with it.

Anyone have any recommendations for a good place to meet girls?

Every (halfway smart) guy I know says don't try to pick up girls in bars, because there they're either already with someone, or they're skeezy bar trash. (Or both, I suppose.)

Every girl I've ever talked to on the subject, however, says that girls can't stand being approached by guys in pretty much any other public place - bookstore, mall, restaurant... and frankly, most of them say don't try to pick up girls at a bar, either. They say that girls are generally offended if a guy tries to strike up a conversation out of the blue, because it's obvious what he's after.

So what am I supposed to do? Either I don't approach girls and stay alone, or I do and I'm automatically an *******... and I stay alone. Any ideas?

 

[It was Mine]

Viviana, maybe I'll post a picture later, but right now I don't know if I feel comfortable with it.

Anyone have any recommendations for a good place to meet girls?

Every (halfway smart) guy I know says don't try to pick up girls in bars, because there they're either already with someone, or they're skeezy bar trash. (Or both, I suppose.)

Every girl I've ever talked to on the subject, however, says that girls can't stand being approached by guys in pretty much any other public place - bookstore, mall, restaurant... and frankly, most of them say don't try to pick up girls at a bar, either. They say that girls are generally offended if a guy tries to strike up a conversation out of the blue, because it's obvious what he's after.

So what am I supposed to do? Either I don't approach girls and stay alone, or I do and I'm automatically an *******... and I stay alone. Any ideas?

You can try online sites like Plenty of Fish which is free, or E Harmony which costs money. But like anything else it's tough and you have to be in it for the long haul. Hardest part is 1, finding a girl who responds to you, i found it tough because i don't have abs i can have a picture of and throw up there. and 2 meeting them finally in person. NEVER get into texting with them, call them. that's key

 

[viviana]

hey did you notice?
you don't allow people to send you private message on this site. open up a little. we are desperate, someone might reach out you never know.
i am depressed but i still have a passion for psychology and to help others, so i try to give some advice whenever i can. don't take me personally, if you will.
yeah i don't feel comfortable eirther to post pictures of me.
not that i am not pretty, i don't know what is wrong with me. sometime i'd like to think that people might be scared of my beauty, thinking that i am snob or i am really not good enough.... like today, that guy was checking that girl so hard, on the bus, and she was obviously not that prettier than me? hmmm i wonder why

all i can say is this, if you find someone you like, try to go for it, ask her out. even if she turn you out, at least you tried. and most of us are old fashion gal who wants guy to make the first step. at least i am. so desperately want that pretzel guy to come up to my store and flirt or get to the point, other than just being nice, and smiling to me.

think about it!

Viviana, maybe I'll post a picture later, but right now I don't know if I feel comfortable with it.

Anyone have any recommendations for a good place to meet girls?

Every (halfway smart) guy I know says don't try to pick up girls in bars, because there they're either already with someone, or they're skeezy bar trash. (Or both, I suppose.)

Every girl I've ever talked to on the subject, however, says that girls can't stand being approached by guys in pretty much any other public place - bookstore, mall, restaurant... and frankly, most of them say don't try to pick up girls at a bar, either. They say that girls are generally offended if a guy tries to strike up a conversation out of the blue, because it's obvious what he's after.

So what am I supposed to do? Either I don't approach girls and stay alone, or I do and I'm automatically an *******... and I stay alone. Any ideas?

 

[Zhiego]

Actually, Viviana, I didn't notice that. How can I change my settings to allow it? I don't see an option for it in the control panel.

 

[viviana]

hmmm, on the top of the page where it says: " welcome back, your name, time you last visited, parenthesis, " click on the User cp, maybe you can change some things there.

Actually, Viviana, I didn't notice that. How can I change my settings to allow it? I don't see an option for it in the control panel.

 

[eleven]

Viviana, maybe I'll post a picture later, but right now I don't know if I feel comfortable with it.

Anyone have any recommendations for a good place to meet girls?

Every (halfway smart) guy I know says don't try to pick up girls in bars, because there they're either already with someone, or they're skeezy bar trash. (Or both, I suppose.)

Every girl I've ever talked to on the subject, however, says that girls can't stand being approached by guys in pretty much any other public place - bookstore, mall, restaurant... and frankly, most of them say don't try to pick up girls at a bar, either. They say that girls are generally offended if a guy tries to strike up a conversation out of the blue, because it's obvious what he's after.

So what am I supposed to do? Either I don't approach girls and stay alone, or I do and I'm automatically an *******... and I stay alone. Any ideas?

It really depends on what kind of girl you are interested in. First of all being your age and still not with anyone will make it overly more difficult. A girl will pick up on things pretty fast mostly your prior experience in relationships as you talk to her as will almost anyone. The biggest problem if they know you arent very experienced will they initially hold it against yourself in terms of romantic interaction. Your pass success for when trying to just pick up an everyday girl will come into play usually. If you havent been with hardly anyone by your age your options to get with an average person will be lower than an average person that is frequently in and out of relationships.

People that say dont pick up girls in a social setting like a bar. Really though outside of your work or school environment where else would you go to talk to girls in the first place. I wouldnt really worry about where i go to meet girls more or less what type of girls you would want to conger gate with. Well orchestrated aggressiveness is the key for success for an average male courting a female i would say after about the 20s. Relationships change as you get older generally more or less much more structured in the needs people want out of one past about what an 18 year old would be doing for example. Sex becomes much more of a deciding factor of all romantic relationships at an older age basically i would say beyond anything passed the age of 18.

I would watch yourself though you might have yourself to be a little bit more well thought out than an average person to limit your failure rate. If a girl knows your very inexperienced she will pretty much just drag you along by your coat tails in a direction that would lead to anything but intimacy. You dont want a person to think of you in a limiting sense in the forms of their interaction with you. If a girl passes on you quickly like this in the terms of at least in their mind that they would never be with you in any romantic way what so ever. If and when this happens i might as well chuck that person up as a loss and move on to the next person. A girl that passes on you like this and gets less social interaction from you because of it might ask whats wrong. I would simply say to them im a guy and your a girl and unfortunately was only interested in you in a romantic sense. The girl might think of you as a pig but really would it be no difference than any other guy they were currently courting themselves. Im sure if the guy they were courting wanted to just hang out and never be romantic they would think the same thing too.

The average person always seems to get very down after a relationship ends in terms of overall physiological behavior. In my eyes this feeling of sadness after a break up is worn on someones sleeve they generally go out in public in a lonely mood. I think this is generally what people initially look out for when in public. If someone is very lonely at the time their defenses will go down when interacting with other people not in relationships. Pretty much the first person this lonely person will recognise as like themselves will probably be the next person they get with at least romantically. Almost like a cat in heat but not necessarily to that extreme. People just generally will let it be known to anyone interested in them at the time how lonely they are when they come in contact with other potential mates in public.

Generally what happens is usually much sooner rather than later they will get with someone yet again. As a reward though almost all new relationships with a new partner are very rewarding in terms of sensual pleasure. Probably why the average person can pretty much just get with anyone in one of these down states after a breakup. Even the most down person will immediately get back up from a couple weeks of regular intimacy with a new partner. Becomes ultimately therapeutic for them even if they dont notice. Maybe why people in healthy sexual relationships are never too low or too high in their mood almost always completely relaxed. However generally relationships produced in these ways are never as long lasting as pure loving one. Of course the illusion of a good relationship will always happen with a new partner especially when the love making is good which is usually the case by default. However it seems in general it seems that these people will be back alone eventually again in a lonely state being picked up my another random person when they go out and flaunt themselves in public. Just basically an endless cycle of empty lovemaking pretty much for the entirety of someones life. Even though people my frown on this is completely healthy behavior for an average person much more so than someone that has difficulty being with someone.

However for an inexperienced person like myself for example at least relationship wise these average sad people out of their current relationships would still make an eternal pass on me. Passed experience in terms of passed relationships would still have to be identified by these two people before any sort of romance occur ed. Of course with average people transition between different relationships are relatively quick. Average people in healthy sexual relationships generally are always in one their entire lives pretty much for ever. It simply becomes involuntary behavior in terms of always being with someone.

Ultimately courting someone of the opposite sex is far from difficult and actually i think more easy for males than females. I think that a male is better at getting with someone they are initially attracted to than a female. However if you are identified as someone who naturally struggles with these things will you become an eternal pass for almost everyone you come in contact with regardless of your appearance. Average people are in an out of sexual relationships very quickly. Probably why stds and random pregnancies are so common with these people. Intimacy for average people is almost a second nature thing that they do. Almost like when alone people will pick up on someone else relatively quickly when looking for a mate.

The ultimate sad thing is though that people still have to initially recognise you as a potential mate first before they even begin to talk with you. Can simply be as simple as how someone initially looks at you in the eyes. If you are inexperienced you will be recognised as such and passed on fairly quick even before you had a chance to open your mouth. Thats the initial hardship for people that struggle even getting in relationships. When looking at an average person their relationship was never built on the thought of initial eternal love more or less on their initial recognition of each others reproductive viability. Reproductive viability the initial deciding factor of any copulative relationship. Why people generally only look for people that would be able to match them physically for example but also physiologically. For a guy that spends all day in the gym working out and then spending all the rest of the time he isnt around anyone working on his appearance would only desire a girl that basically did all the same things. Generally why you see people that generally resemble each other physiologically that are together (like two people with similar body types for example).

Like i said before though to be identified as non potential mate by society because of your past experiences becomes very hard to deal with after a while. Almost like even if you did what the average person did when it came to courting would you only about get one step to their 100 that you could. Eventually for some of us really what we say or how we appear ourselves if predetermined by how people identify our fertility becomes almost pointless in terms of our courtship activities. Some of us by some fluke just are naturally turn offish when it comes to any sort of copulative relationship with anyone.

For me at 27 and by myself for my entire life I have even tried experimenting with people when it comes to these things. I generally let it be known that im single and generally try showing interest in almost any female im around i dont even bother with their social status anymore. Its strange because i know how people im around identify me in terms of my relationship viability. I have always been the off limits guy around the office or school or whatever everywhere i have been. People even say im a cool laid back person but i dont remember a time were i have felt for some reason almost always off limits romantically by just about everyone i have come in contact with. I dont even have standards anymore women much older than me or out of shape physically i have even tried courting them all and to no avail. I ultimately think its my label at my age i cant get rid of. I dont get upset or sad at people i think overall and ultimately their overall behavior towards me at least romantically. I find I cant really get mad at someone who follows basically what nature tells them to when it comes to activities of love making or such. People ultimately really arent in control of who they are with more less the person their environment dictates they are with atm.

For some of us who are truly different are we truly treated different by average people and seems ultimately there is nothing that can be done about it. Seems like however well someone knows me even for a fairly long time I would still be passed on 100 percent of the time to the stranger they meet at the local safeway. Ultimately a stranger someone only met once would still be a much more viable mate than ever being with someone like myself.