I'm lonely due to niche interests and intelligence.

[ChainOfCommand]

I'm lonely because I cannot relate to anyone and I am too smart for my age bracket (i'm 22).

Yes, I know, it sounds like i'm tooting my own horn and i'm trying to justify my failures by saying "i'm too good for them". But, in my experiences, I find that I am not good enough for THEM! They do not show any interest or value in my character or life, while I am attempting to capture said interest. So, obviously, my ability to relate and be stimulated (or to stimulate) other people is weak and inadequate. With my experiences with clubs and activity groups and everything in-between, what I say goes over peoples heads and I do not have any other characteristics of interest to these people, so they deem me unvaluable.

Things I like doing and talking about:
1. How to get better at things. The development of skill acquisition and identifying core techniques to practice and exercise. I play violin and I always think about how to get better at it and what I actually need to be doing to improve and what needs improving etc etc. I apply this to other areas of my life, also. I legitimately think about stuff like this on a daily basis. I think about what it takes to get good at skills that I do not even invest in, like drawing and sculpting and stuff.

2. Music. I'm a novice violinist of 2 years, so the things that established musicians say and talk about goes over my head. I do like going for lessons and talking to the teacher about stuff; they are very good walls to bounce ideas off of.

3. DotA 2. I am very good at this game and I have found IRL people to play as a team with, but our relationship is not really what i'm looking for. They respect me. I don't really like playing this game much anymore, but I do from time to time.

4. I've been exercising A LOT lately. I have a ton of zeal to work out and the only thing keeping me from going to the gym today is how exhausted my body is. I've only been working out for 2 months, so it's not like I can relate to body builders.

5. I love talking about self-awareness and the whys of things. My life is rife with emotional turbulence and self-destructive habits, and I put in a lot of effort to figure out why I act the way I do. I learned a lot about myself and I realized that my own troubles are very similar to other peoples; it's just their troubles are of a different variation. It is a topic I can talk about a lot and I am always interested to expose my models to other peoples criticism.




I would love a girlfriend, but I am unemployed and frankly I do not have enough success indicators to show that I am worth having around as an intimate partner. But, I know a girlfriend is not exactly the thing I want. The things I want are: Affection, genuine connection and sex. It seems like a girlfriend could accommodate all those needs, but merely a group of friends that I can relate with and have a sense of belonging would be enough to satisfy me emotionally.


So yeah, that's me. My interest and hobbies are either not good enough or not interesting enough for other people to want to affiliate with me. I struggle with loneliness and negative emotions because I am so lonely and frustrated with all my failed attempts to get what I want (friends and a job). I feel stuck and I just wish I could distract myself with productive things like music practice to forget the feelings. I can work out a lot because being at the gym distracts me from the loneliness I feel.

I wouldn't usually say that I am "too intelligent", because it screams "Hey guys, this is the image I want you to see me as", but I know it's the truth and i've been humble for too long.

 

[jayme89]

I relate to you completely! My interest do not match the interest of those around me at all. I'm big into spirituality and self awareness as well, and the moment I speak about things like that people label me that "weird girl". I literally have 2 friends and only one of them really understand me and can relate with me. The other I'm forced to hold back my thoughts and opinions around for the sake of keeping a friend. I feel that I can actually be a social and outgoing person if I was given the chance to socialize with like minded individuals.

 

[ChainOfCommand]

I relate to you completely! My interest do not match the interest of those around me at all. I'm big into spirituality and self awareness as well, and the moment I speak about things like that people label me that "weird girl". I literally have 2 friends and only one of them really understand me and can relate with me. The other I'm forced to hold back my thoughts and opinions around for the sake of keeping a friend. I feel that I can actually be a social and outgoing person if I was given the chance to socialize with like minded individuals.

It's all about a sense of belongingness and demonstration of value.

The things that you and I may say to other people are not things that are "mainstream". Basically, they cant relate or find a sense of belongingness from you, so they lose interest. I see this applied with religion all the time. If I was a Christian, I could easily obtain a sense of belongingness at Church, where people would be very happy to converse with me; or if I find a stranger who shares my religion.

The solution to this, is to become proficient at hobbies or activities that people can either relate to, or perceive value from the merits of your hobbies. Like I said, I work out and when I do become muscular, people would see value in my strength, aesthetics and ability to put my body through strenuous activity; they don't necessarily have to be body builders as well to want to affiliate with me.

I'm sure you recognize the major barrier of overcoming such loneliness and emotional pain while you are dedicating yourself to a hobby. I find this problem when I practice my music, it just does not sufficiently distract me from negative thoughts like the gym does.


What kind of hobbies do you partake in? I know you stated that you like spirituality and self-awareness.

 

[silver birch leaves]

ChainOfCommand, can you imagine having a close friend, with whom you don't share common hobbies or interests, but still feel comfortable and happy with?

Is playing the violin your real passion? Are there other things you are interested or passionate about?

I'm sorry for asking all these questions, but I'm trying to understand your situation.

 

[ChainOfCommand]

ChainOfCommand, can you imagine having a close friend, with whom you don't share common hobbies or interests, but still feel comfortable and happy with?

No, not really. How would they even find each other to begin with?

Is playing the violin your real passion? Are there other things you are interested or passionate about?

I like it a lot and I fear losing my ability to play it. Passion is a strong word that I don't think applies to anything in my life at the moment.

 

[silver birch leaves]

No, not really. How would they even find each other to begin with?

Yes, I agree this may pose a problem, specially when we are limited regarding opportunities to meet new people. I asked this question, because I usually match with people of different interests, but with whom I share values or personal traits, like shyness However, with some, we are like night and day, as if we need each other to become complete; again often with very few interests in common.

If you aim at a particular group of people who have a similar hobby, you likely put a lot of pressure on yourself in terms of being good enough at something to please others and to attract someone's attention. For many people, their hobbies, although important, may not imply looking for friends who share them. Also, you naturally limit the number of people you meet, therefore, you may loose most of opportunities to find someone you share something more essential to a deeper relationship. A close friend will respect you for what you are.

Where to find each other? It depends on the opportunities you have. Maybe take your violin and organise a concert in a hospice. I wish I could do it. Making other people happy (even for a short moment) is priceless. You never now who you meet there.

I like it a lot and I fear losing my ability to play it. Passion is a strong word that I don't think applies to anything in my life at the moment.

I went through similar period some time ago. I survived, but I'm pretty sure that there will be times I will question my choices again. Passions come and go. If you take the wrong path, you'll have to find a new one again We learn also from mistakes, aren't we?

You're very honest and well aware of yourself

 

[Seeker]

Being a literature-oriented person (reading a lot and writing) in the midst of a sea of small-talkers whose only entertainment is constant clubbing, I can totally understand what you are talking about. I just can't find a person to talk about books with in my entire town (except Twilight and Harry Potter, the only books people read here), so i discuss about my interests in literature forums instead. It's not easy to communicate with people when we don't follow the general trends of society, but I wouldn't change who I am just to fit in, and neither should you, if it ever crosses your mind as a solution.

 

[ChainOfCommand]

Being a literature-oriented person (reading a lot and writing) in the midst of a sea of small-talkers whose only entertainment is constant clubbing, I can totally understand what you are talking about. I just can't find a person to talk about books with in my entire town (except Twilight and Harry Potter, the only books people read here), so i discuss about my interests in literature forums instead. It's not easy to communicate with people when we don't follow the general trends of society, but I wouldn't change who I am just to fit in, and neither should you, if it ever crosses your mind as a solution.

There are unique people out there who do their own thing and don't follow "mainstream" activities, but still attract such people and are respected because of said uniqueness.

I just think the things I do aren't that interesting to people, so they don't care. Maybe if I was a seatless unicyclist or something, i'd be the life of the party.

On another note: I was at the gym today and I met an old high-school acquaintence that I did not recognize at first. He was very friendly, but I didn't really know what to say when he asked me how my life was. I realized at that very moment, I lost my ability to converse about things that is not about me and my emotions. So, i'm just gonna go on Omegle and rekindle my skill of conversing about non-narcissistic topics. I also saw an old highschool person I did not affiliate with on my way out, I put my head down because she was a female and walked away really fast.

 

[jayme89]

What kind of hobbies do you partake in? I know you stated that you like spirituality and self-awareness.

Well I read..a lot. and i watch movies...a lot. Not the most social hobbies I'm sure. I do work out but just to tone up, I don't see it as too much of a hobby. Other than that I work..a lot. I try to go out and at least be around people- usually to bars and lounges. I am able to strike up convos but nothing is long lasting or leads to friendship. I just don't know where to find like minded individuals I can relate to in real life. online is pretty easy, but i would like a boyfriend one day. But honestly I am giving up on the idea of that happening too.

 

[StarvingZombie]

I am too smart for my age bracket (i'm 22).

Intelligence isn't age specific , people don't get smarter as they get older they just become better at staying within their comfort zone.

I do understand about being smarter than everyone else and the alienation it can bring. I was smarter than everyone around me , including the adults at 8. I learned chess at 4 and could beat all but 1 adult in my life at the time by 6. Adults (especially males) don't take this well at all.


If you wish to be accepted by the norm you must abide by their rules. Be (in their eyes) less sciolistic and more shallow, live at the top of the hill and not in the flatlands.

 

[Badjedidude]

I wouldn't usually say that I am "too intelligent", because it screams "Hey guys, this is the image I want you to see me as", but I know it's the truth and i've been humble for too long.

I would hesitate to say something like that. There are many different types of intelligence. A skilled mechanic or electrician is no less intelligent than a well-read philosopher or academic.

And I'd like to point out that if someone truly is intelligent, the onus is not on others to understand him if connection with those around him is what he searches for. He must be intelligent enough and have the communication skills to make himself understood.

Perhaps it's not your interests and hobbies that others shy from. Perhaps it's your self-admittedly negative attitude and inability to connect. If you really do feel that your intelligence is superior to theirs... there's a good chance that they can sense that.

Just some things to think about.

 

[ghbarnaby2]

*cough cough* +1 for bjd

 

[ladyforsaken]

I wouldn't usually say that I am "too intelligent", because it screams "Hey guys, this is the image I want you to see me as", but I know it's the truth and i've been humble for too long.

I would hesitate to say something like that. There are many different types of intelligence. A skilled mechanic or electrician is no less intelligent than a well-read philosopher or academic.

And I'd like to point out that if someone truly is intelligent, the onus is not on others to understand him if connection with those around him is what he searches for. He must be intelligent enough and have the communication skills to make himself understood.

Perhaps it's not your interests and hobbies that others shy from. Perhaps it's your self-admittedly negative attitude and inability to connect. If you really do feel that your intelligence is superior to theirs... there's a good chance that they can sense that.

Just some things to think about.

+1

 

[ChainOfCommand]

I wouldn't usually say that I am "too intelligent", because it screams "Hey guys, this is the image I want you to see me as", but I know it's the truth and i've been humble for too long.

I would hesitate to say something like that. There are many different types of intelligence. A skilled mechanic or electrician is no less intelligent than a well-read philosopher or academic.

Not with my definition of intelligence. I define it as the ability to acquire new skills. Someone who wants to use their energy to learn hands-on skills is no less/more intelligent than one who learns metaphysical philosophy. "Multiple Intelligences" is just a fancy way of saying "Multiple Skills", which is unnecessary. I don't see any other valid definition of intelligence. If one person fails a spatial IQ test, but puts some time into practicing spatial-awareness, then passes another test with flying colors; that person is intelligent. Personally, I think IQ tests are testing your general logic and abstract thinking at that very time. If you gave some people time to practice those kinds of skills, you can get a better idea of how intelligent those people are. Sorry for that tangent.

And I'd like to point out that if someone truly is intelligent, the onus is not on others to understand him if connection with those around him is what he searches for. He must be intelligent enough and have the communication skills to make himself understood.

I believe I made this apparent when I wrote

"Yes, I know, it sounds like i'm tooting my own horn and i'm trying to justify my failures by saying "i'm too good for them". But, in my experiences, I find that I am not good enough for THEM! "

My point of view is that I am too inadequate of a person for others to want to be friends with me. I say that I am "too intelligent" because the topics I can converse about are narrow and not very interesting to the general public. This is something that is being changed, I have hobbies that will be appealing to the general public that are in the works.

Perhaps it's not your interests and hobbies that others shy from. Perhaps it's your self-admittedly negative attitude and inability to connect. If you really do feel that your intelligence is superior to theirs... there's a good chance that they can sense that.

Just some things to think about.

This is no better than saying that the failed job-hunters feeling of rejection and frustration was being projected to potential employers, and that's why he never got the job; a cop out. Obviously me stating that I am not good enough for others to want to be friends with me is stating the exact opposite of how you think I relate to others and the image I present.




Anyways, i've come across a very good revelation that helped change my perspective immensely. I related my interpersonal void and loneliness to my sex life. I don't have sex, I never had sex and I really doubt I could ever get sex anytime soon; but i'm not "sex lonely" and I don't feel awful because I have a lack, even though it's a need. I do get relief from those feelings (masturbation), and this perspective keeps my emotions in line. With realizing this, I do get relief from loneliness with my online friends. Sort of like sex, it's not the ideal kind of interpersonal activity I want, but it's good enough to keep me in line. Perceiving that I do have an interpersonal outlet that is not the most ideal regulates my anxiety and I can do things that I want to do without feeling so lonely.