In need of help

lonelyandalone · Feb 21, 2013

First of all i wanna say Hi and thanks for your time reading this.
I'm not sure will i get any reply or advice but i just want to take something off my chest for quite a bit now.

Basicly i'm in my early 20s now, 21 to be precise, and i can't really remember how it feels to be happy. I have to start early when i was kid i had decent childhood until age of 10/11. At this time my parents got devorced but it was rough. My dad beat my mom and it was horrible time for me, even though they thought i didn't hear when they were fighting i did most of times and some times in the mornings i noticed marks on my mom's neck also one time my dad ran in room with a knife. That lasted for bit more than a year when my mom left, i felt horrible becouse i never did anything to stop him or told anyone about it.

After that even worse period started for me, i moved and left my childhood friends, i knew when my mom looked at me she would see my dad same was true for her parents, i knew my mom would be better off if i was dead. I started to eat like crazy becouse i was so sad soon i got really fat like 100 kg on 160ish or so, needless to say that made my highschool a nightmare. Finnaly summer before my last highschool year i started losing a lot of weight and since than i'm on 66 kg on 175 cm or so.

Of course it's needless to say i never had girlfriend through my highschool and i thought that would change since i got my body in order but it didn't.
I don't have any self worth and bacisly no self esteem, and i always have mood swings sometimes i'm happy but sometimes i hate myself just for being me and i hate fact that my dad is living happily after all he has done to me and i'm alone and sad for years now. After highschool i took gap year and basicly i didn't had any social life i found people hard to connect and i don't think anyone would like me for what i become. I was pretty okey with that until this year when i started uni.

I meat this beautiful girl who's on my year, i don't know or care would other guys agree with me but she's pritties girl i have ever seen. First when year started i didn't really noticed her until few months back. We talked few times but we are nothing more than colleges, i'm pretty sure she doesn't even consider me a friend. Now she doesn't have a clue i like her. I know i should tell her but i just can't like there is some wall infront of me, when ever i think that i should tell her voice in me starts loughing at me telling me what would pretty girl like that do with someone like me, she's pretty, funny, goffy have friends and me i just existed for last 10 years meaning nothing to nobody.

Few weeks ago she set one raw in front of me in class and couldn't stop looking at her hair. She talked something with friend and when i heared her laughing few times i felt so happy, feeling that i almost forgot, i just wanted to go there and laugh with her, but i know that's never gona happen.

I don't care about sex or anything i never even hold hands with women nor any of them showed any intres in me but i think after so many years of hate and greef i have right to be happy, to mean something to someone and that would be possible if i'm not me. I'm coward, i'm way to shy and i worthless, only good thing would be if i can get over her and just come to terms that it will never happen. But i can't it's like torture, on one side i don't wanna stop thinking about her and when ever i see her there is that voice that makes fun of how pathetic loser i am.

I know it's a lot and thanks for reading.

Rosebolt · Feb 21, 2013

Heey, i'm sorry for what you've been through, it's really rough indeed. I understand how you feel the way you do after all of this, your self esteem, your confidence.

Life becomes really hard when you take a look at all this **** that has happened, you take a look in a dark well, thinking about it, around you is still some light and some people, but they walk past you. Eventually, this dark well will pull you into it, and when that happens, you can look around as much as you want, all you will see is black.

But all hope is not lost, you are a human being, and therefore you are a valuable person, there are still people who would walk to that well and try to get you out.

It's good to remember that good things that have happened in your life, and the good things about your personality. From this post alone, i can tell that you should be incredibly proud of yourself for losing that ammount of weigth, that is a feat that many people struggle with, and you succeeded in doing that. You are also compassionate for others, you care other people, evident by how you really wanted to stop your dad from doing what he did. Even with all your problems, you managed to get into university, and i'm here having a job that involves .. *drumrolls* cleaning.

There's alot that you can be proud of, but it's hard to look at those things when you're in that well, because the light don't seem to matter anymore, all there is, is darkness.

Though when you look up, a faint light appears, if you try to focus on the positive achievements in your life, that faint light will become brighter.

It's not easy, i know it's not, i've been there as well, in that well, but i was after a very long time able to climb out of it, i will do my best to show you the way of getting out as well.

Also, when you're in that well, and all is dark, all that you can look at that isn't pitch black, is yourself. You should try to do that as well, don't look at the negative things around you, the memories, but at yourself and all you stand for, have achieved, and your dreams in life. You're in uni, that means that you're studying something you like, is that true? If you love doing it, put some more focus in that activity, and you will notice succes. Look at the small lights, not the big, as the big lights aren't in that well. When you focus on the small lights, eventually you will get out of the well, and all you will see is light.

When that happens, when you are surrounded by light, people will notice that, they will notice your positive aura, you will be a stronger person and people will respect that and look up to you.

After all that you've been through, you have the power to fight your way of that well, know that you're not alone, and that even though it's a hard and long journey, you will make it eventually, and when that happens, you're the most powerful man in the world.

Stay strong man.

Oh, and welcome to the forums!

lonelyandalone · Feb 21, 2013

Hey and thanks for welcome and reply

I have to say i'm in better place than i was 2 years ago, i guess weight drop followed when i decided i need some order in life.

I have been and i'm still fairly compassionat even though i tend to first notice bad in people and i don't really have any trust in anybody so i never really opened to anyone or talked about this.

I love dogs and animals in general, they don't care how screwed you are.

The thing is i'm still draging a lot from my past and there are momments sometimes even days when i'm in dark places.

I was thinking that i should go to visit doctor maybe but i don't have time or money for that now but i suspect it might be deppression and/or bi polarisam.

The thing is part of me know i'm valuable hell i'm actually pretty good looking now but when it's time to act that other part always brings me down, sometimes i can't look myself at mirror without hating what i see and sometimes i'm fine with being me. It's like fighting with someone every minute every day.

Rosebolt · Feb 21, 2013

Heey, i'm really glad to hear you being so positive, you can be positive, you're a strong person which means you'll survive this sooner or later.

Going to see a doctor seems like a good idea, it's something you should kind of make time for, but i can't really help with the money issue.

Bipolar disorder seems to make sense, but i personally think it's closer to PTSD. However i'm no doctor, so you can disregard what i just said.

Stay positive man, you'll get throught this!