littlefish555
Active member
Hello! I am coming back on here after a few years, remember this community fondly in another dark winter of yore. 41 year old female. And I live in DC. Thanks for still being here.
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verticalray
Well-known member
Hi! Why dark this time?
littlefish555
Active member
Hi Vertical Ray. I was going to keep my information dump for another post, but negative nutshell is I've just made a series of choices over the last 6 or 7 years that have landed me in a state of limbo that I think I just create pathologically over and over again, this endless chronic cycle of homeless, temporariness wherever I am, even if it's supposed to be 'home'. I always have one foot out the door. I finally am able to admit I really want an actual home and a family. But it's abstract and it's not like a just want someone. I want IT, whatever it is, to happen. But I feel like I've been waiting for something or someone that hasn't come my whole life. And not twiddling my thumbs. I work really hard, but at different things that didn't lead to the life I am now all starry eyed for. I cared about people until one day recently I just felt like it all got sucked out of me and I didn't have any stores to replenish it, but I kept going through the motions, which was inauthentic and exhausting. My best friend cut me off. She said I was more or less ungrateful to be so unhappy, because she has it harder, and judged me. I haven't had friends or a community for at least 9 years since my company closed. It is making my face look hard. A little kid looked at me and said "angry"on new year's day, and I am, and it's awful. I have my family around, and I love them, but I'm not getting supported or seen or helped. But I don't ask or advocate well for myself. I have a chip on my shoulder and I am worried that's who I actually am going to turn out to be and I don't want that. I used to be a nice person. I am a decent person, but I don't feel kindhearted anymore. Identity crisis?
Second dark tidbit, I'm in my 40s and I'm choosing an unhealthy living situation with an elderly alcoholic family member I've ended up enabling more than helping by doing everything. At the same time I'm choosing to help another close family member that I am codependently attached with in a way that I can't separate my own anxiety and problems from theirs, and now they're living in the house temporarily too, which I work from all day, and the other one gets sloshed on wine and only eats if you put it in front of her. I have little privacy, no where to entertain friends even if I had them, I live like an angsty teen in a sloppy bedroom and work from a computer across the hall. I've been practicing weird online dating behavior just to make myself interact, but the dates makes me feel more lonely and I'm embarrassed to explain how I have been living. It's not by necessity, unless the pandemic comes back full force, but it will be hard to extricate and will domino effect into her having to go into a facility I think.
I was doing ok not taking rando internet people not seeing how amazing I am personally, but then I met someone who I rose colored glasses saw (way smitten with for months, lots in common, even slept next to each other several times sweetly), then I got absolutely 'ghosted' right before the holidays- total silence, total dump, no explanation. And he's 40 also! And I was too proud or embarrassed to ask what happened (forcing him to say - i'm not into you for whatever reason and I didn't know how to tell you - wouldn't do anything for me) or even tell him that his dismissal tactics hurt me. But it just set me back because it was actually something I felt excited about, something good. So it was worth being reminded I can feel good, even if it wasn't 'IT," and resulted in negativity, I think I can spin that situation as ok in the end. I dole out to others, respect, attention, care, compassion, communication, money, followthrough, love. I don't want to be bitter for it not being returned, and maybe I just can't see it. When you're this depressed I highly doubt most people are bowled over by how scintillating I am and want to shower me with affection. But anyway, all my darkness feels retriggered, by not being respected, seen, valued, communicated with, admired, supported, thanked. I shouldn't need these if I felt better about myself, and I don't do things to get those things (I'm pretty sure). But I'm actually drained now, maybe even deficient, and I do need something. So that's why I'm back, I think I need community. So thanks everybody. Nutshell rant over.
Second dark tidbit, I'm in my 40s and I'm choosing an unhealthy living situation with an elderly alcoholic family member I've ended up enabling more than helping by doing everything. At the same time I'm choosing to help another close family member that I am codependently attached with in a way that I can't separate my own anxiety and problems from theirs, and now they're living in the house temporarily too, which I work from all day, and the other one gets sloshed on wine and only eats if you put it in front of her. I have little privacy, no where to entertain friends even if I had them, I live like an angsty teen in a sloppy bedroom and work from a computer across the hall. I've been practicing weird online dating behavior just to make myself interact, but the dates makes me feel more lonely and I'm embarrassed to explain how I have been living. It's not by necessity, unless the pandemic comes back full force, but it will be hard to extricate and will domino effect into her having to go into a facility I think.
I was doing ok not taking rando internet people not seeing how amazing I am personally, but then I met someone who I rose colored glasses saw (way smitten with for months, lots in common, even slept next to each other several times sweetly), then I got absolutely 'ghosted' right before the holidays- total silence, total dump, no explanation. And he's 40 also! And I was too proud or embarrassed to ask what happened (forcing him to say - i'm not into you for whatever reason and I didn't know how to tell you - wouldn't do anything for me) or even tell him that his dismissal tactics hurt me. But it just set me back because it was actually something I felt excited about, something good. So it was worth being reminded I can feel good, even if it wasn't 'IT," and resulted in negativity, I think I can spin that situation as ok in the end. I dole out to others, respect, attention, care, compassion, communication, money, followthrough, love. I don't want to be bitter for it not being returned, and maybe I just can't see it. When you're this depressed I highly doubt most people are bowled over by how scintillating I am and want to shower me with affection. But anyway, all my darkness feels retriggered, by not being respected, seen, valued, communicated with, admired, supported, thanked. I shouldn't need these if I felt better about myself, and I don't do things to get those things (I'm pretty sure). But I'm actually drained now, maybe even deficient, and I do need something. So that's why I'm back, I think I need community. So thanks everybody. Nutshell rant over.
Abstamyous
Well-known member
Welcome back 
Welcome Back! That does sound like a bad situation. I feel for you. I feel compelled to give you advice about your situation. But, you are obviously smart and more then likely know better then I how to fix, atleast, your living situation. I will say this though, make a plan and take small steps in the direction you want/need to go.
Forgottendanfan
Well-known member
Hello and welcome back.
Sunless Sky
Well-known member
Hello little fish,
What is it you do? How do you spend your days?
What is it you do? How do you spend your days?
TheRealCallie
Princess Pink Love
Welcome back.
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/s/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
