is an inexperienced man a turn off to women???

[Jimbo74]

I am 23 years old and I have never had even one long term mutual relationship. And to many I have told it seems very surprising to them. I often am told im a handsome person. I have a unique humorous personality. I am even musically talented and play guitar in a band. I am not a virgin though. I played around with a few girls when I was a bit younger. Something I grew out of very quickly because I was tired of having sex without having real feelings and held severe guilt in treating women like objects. Never again. And sexually pleasing women is not something im good at at all. I sucked. BAD. Im surprised they didn't complain afterwards.

Now anyone who's still reading this is about to say WTF does this kid have to worry about? I know there are people that have it worse like 35 year olds that never had a single physical contact with a woman. I am not saying this problem is worse than anyone else's. There is more than what I said so far here so I would appreciate if I could be heard out.

I was always a very shy clumsy person. I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I lost my chance for teenage love, and to me this seems an essential part of life that you must experience to be trusted and given a chance as an adult. I never had the confidence to talk to a girl (also cause I was in a special ed school with mostly boys). I've only dated 2 girls in my whole life. And after about the second date they ended up friendzoning me probably cause i acted so dumb and insecure with them. Yeah I could totally meet girls by playing shows but I play punk/metal and that genre is very underground. So theres always a very small crowd of people watching us and the only girls there are usually taken anyways. I have a job, i have money but not a stack load. I still live with my parents so I am trying to get a better job so i can support myself. I hate the bar/club scene. Dating sites like OkCupid I believe will work very well for me. But i haven't put much effort into dating lately because the whole thought of a "first date" to me absolutely disgusts me. Because every word that comes out of your mouth in whatever way is judged and becomes these absurd singular conclusions about you.

If there is one thing I suck at the most in life... that is dating, talking, flirting with girls, and sex. I am a super super super slow learner. Some things take years for me to finally get decent at. So with this being the worst combined with all these close minded women out there I got a hell of a long wait before I ever get my chance. I am going to find somebody so late in life and I am not happy about this at all!! Wasting my youth away every day!! Forget about my 20s cause thats almost over now. Ill be lucky if someone will even give me a chance in my 30s. When I go out on a first date I am so nervous and tense I do and say incredibly stupid things. What breaks my heart even more is that a 23 year old MAN should have been with at least 3 women by now. I had zero. And it follows you around all your life like a resume. This just makes me feel less of a man. And the fact that Generalized Anxiety Disorder happens to more women than men makes me feel like I would have been better off a female than a male. Because if your a girl with these problems, no worries! A great man will sweep you off your feet and take you by the hand. If your a guy with these problems, you are doomed. You stay a single creep waste of sperm. Girls want a MAN. Not a wimp. Plain and simple. They want bitter aggressive emotionless men. This is why I believe that it sucks being a man, very much. I wish I was a woman instead because I am just not cut out for what is considered a "true man" in this life.

If I ever date a girl that I really like in the future and she really likes me, first she could dump me for being so terrible at sex. But mostly when I finally come clean with the fact that shes my first real girlfriend, she will get scared that I don't know how to handle or treat a woman properly, and she will friendzone me immediately. And the older I get the harder its going to be for that ONE person to finally be brave enough to give me a chance. And whoever does that I have no connection or mutuality with I am not gonna be interested anyway. I am not like most guys. I am a very emotionally sensitive person. But it makes me very empathetic towards women's feelings.

I apologize if my rant has offended anyone that has read this because this is very frustrating to me and I cannot stop stressing over this. I can see the extra aging in my face for being so stressed that i'm just going to be ignored most of my life for simply being myself!!! I wish it didn't have to be this way. But this is the price I pay for being a soft shy slow clumsy male human being. I have a feeling im going to be single for most of my life. Better late than never is not good enough

 

[Sometimes]

... But i haven't put much effort into dating lately because the whole thought of a "first date" to me absolutely disgusts me. Because every word that comes out of your mouth in whatever way is judged and becomes these absurd singular conclusions about you.

If you don't like dating, then don't date. Just go do stuff with people instead. There's alot less stress, and you can still meet a girlfriend that way. Except you will already know the girl a little because you went and did stuff with her. So it will be more like a second date. But it does mean you have to do stuff, and with other people, too.

What breaks my heart even more is that a 23 year old MAN should have been with at least 3 women by now. I had zero. And it follows you around all your life like a resume.

There is no should! There are as many paths in life as there are people. And I hope you don't want to be just like everyone else, because that's the one thing you can't do - nobody is just like anybody else.

Because if your a girl with these problems, no worries! A great man will sweep you off your feet and take you by the hand.

BAHAHAHAHAHA! Really? Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at you, it's just that the grass sure does look greener on the other side, don't it? When was the last time you swept in and took a GAD woman by the hand? Hey, you're a great man, and you're not pulling your weight here.

Girls want a MAN. Not a wimp. Plain and simple. They want bitter aggressive emotionless men.

Nuh, bitter, aggressive, emotionless, nuh-uh. There must be women out there who like bitter, aggressive, emotionless men. It's just that I've never known any of these women who want that.

What is a man anyway? A mature person of the male variety. A man knows what he wants (pretty much), knows who he is (right now, anyway), knows what he's into. I don't want to have to define for a guy, who he is. That sucks, to be in charge of someone else.

IMO, a guy who doesn't know much and is inexperienced isn't really a problem. A guy who can't learn anything is definitely a problem.

 

[ladyforsaken]

What breaks my heart even more is that a 23 year old MAN should have been with at least 3 women by now. I had zero. And it follows you around all your life like a resume. This just makes me feel less of a man.

There is no rule in life, written or unwritten, spoken or unspoken, that indicates that a man of your age should have been with at least 3 women now or your "resume" sucks. That doesn't make sense. There are women who don't judge a man or judge their "manliness" by how many women they've been with.

And the fact that Generalized Anxiety Disorder happens to more women than men makes me feel like I would have been better off a female than a male. Because if your a girl with these problems, no worries! A great man will sweep you off your feet and take you by the hand. If your a guy with these problems, you are doomed.

I don't know where you get such information from, but it's not true.

Girls want a MAN. Not a wimp. Plain and simple. They want bitter aggressive emotionless men. This is why I believe that it sucks being a man, very much. I wish I was a woman instead because I am just not cut out for what is considered a "true man" in this life.

I don't know about girls or ladies but just like Sometimes' post above, I don't think I've met any other woman or even for myself, to want a bitter, aggressive and emotionless man. Again, I don't know where you're getting your information... but these are not facts.

If I ever date a girl that I really like in the future and she really likes me, first she could dump me for being so terrible at sex. But mostly when I finally come clean with the fact that shes my first real girlfriend, she will get scared that I don't know how to handle or treat a woman properly, and she will friendzone me immediately.

If you continue to portray women like this, chances are they might just end up rejecting you because you won't even give them a chance. You said you've had your past dating experiences fail due to your insecurities. I can see that this is one of them. If you really want things to possibly work, then work on your insecurities because they could be the one thing that jeopardises your chances at making a relationship work. No woman or man likes to be told what they're going to do or how they'd feel by another person just because that person thinks so.

And the older I get the harder its going to be for that ONE person to finally be brave enough to give me a chance. And whoever does that I have no connection or mutuality with I am not gonna be interested anyway. I am not like most guys. I am a very emotionally sensitive person. But it makes me very empathetic towards women's feelings.

It's not about bravery for these women. It's about how much or how long they can put up with a particular behaviour that's not exactly helping or making things better. If insecurity and anxiety or shyness is an issue to you, why don't you start finding ways or solutions on how to work on these so that you can deal with them better in order to approach women and have better outcomes?

But this is the price I pay for being a soft shy slow clumsy male human being. I have a feeling im going to be single for most of my life. Better late than never is not good enough

That doesn't mean that it's a curse you have to live with for the rest of your life. These are things that can be changed or worked with at least so you can feel better or do things better by working around them. They are not necessarily going to be gone entirely, but you really shouldn't let these things rule your life and make you feel miserable. You can take control over these issues if you really want to.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It is a turn-off to some women, but not to every woman. That's really a personal preference. Live and learn, love and grow. If you feel like you're treating females as objects, just don't do anything. I'd rather look back and be glad I didn't go through doing something physical with someone than to dislike how I felt about it. Don't want to do it? Then don't.

 

[Cataplasme]

I very much agree with VanillaCreme.
For some it will be for others it won't. If it is for someone it's probably not a good person to be with anyway.
I did ask myself before if I fell for someone the person won't freak out because I had zero experience and think I'm weird and all that. Truth is, if it's the right person for you she/he will be ok with that. And the person should even be happy to discover each other body and what the other likes.

 

[Jimbo74]

If you continue to portray women like this, chances are they might just end up rejecting you because you won't even give them a chance. You said you've had your past dating experiences fail due to your insecurities. I can see that this is one of them. If you really want things to possibly work, then work on your insecurities because they could be the one thing that jeopardises your chances at making a relationship work. No woman or man likes to be told what they're going to do or how they'd feel by another person just because that person thinks so.


@ladyforsaken
But these are the scariest things I will ever face with a woman. Even if i were to improve on my insecurities. When I finally have sex with this person, I could get too anxious and not get hard. I could end up premature ejaculating. I know no sex positions either. And since im a VERY VERY VERRRRY slow learner, I dont know what woman is gonna put up with someone who takes absolutely FOREVER to learn how to sexually please her.

And when I finally tell her that shes my first, how am I gonna know shes gonna be OK with this? What if shes fine with this then she slowly slips into the friendzone afterwards? Or she ends up finding a guy with more experience than me and she completely abandons me for him?

I simply cant just NOT worry about these things!! Im not gonna tell her "your going to want to leave me when you find this out" but I will let her find out and will probably get my heart shattered because there are better guys out there, much more confident and more experienced than me. Thats just the way life is. And they all deserve a chance. A guy like me does not.

and @ Sometimes
"A guy who can't learn anything is definitely a problem". I am the slowest godamn learner of existence and I just don't know why. No matter how hard I try to focus I still don't get it. People generally have to explain things like 40 times before I finally get what they are saying. It is THAT bad. This has always been a problem for me my whole life. Ive been on ADD medications my whole life and it hasn't done JACK. I've been in therapy my whole life and it still has not gotten any better. This is the one thing that has been holding me back from everything in life. So I can't even begin to imagine what woman in this world is gonna want me. I am useless to them. No slow dummy is gonna be the father of their children. No way. Those children will come out seriously F'd up!!

 

[kamya]

But these are the scariest things I will ever face with a woman. Even if i were to improve on my insecurities. When I finally have sex with this person, I could get too anxious and not get hard. I could end up premature ejaculating. I know no sex positions either. And since im a VERY VERY VERRRRY slow learner, I dont know what woman is gonna put up with someone who takes absolutely FOREVER to learn how to sexually please her.

And when I finally tell her that shes my first, how am I gonna know shes gonna be OK with this? What if shes fine with this then she slowly slips into the friendzone afterwards? Or she ends up finding a guy with more experience than me and she completely abandons me for him?

I think if you are willing to learn it helps. I have a friend that was a virgin until this year. He's 26. The first girl could tell right away and they didn't do much after that night. A few other girls have come over but they usually don't come back for too long.

His issue is that he doesn't really care about his partner and he doesn't really do much to get better at it. If he was willing to learn I think some of the girls that come over would be willing to come back.

He also tries that arrogant tough guy persona which I don't think is doing him many favors. Or maybe it is... he seems to pull new girls in pretty easily nowadays.

 

[ardour]

Something I grew out of very quickly because I was tired of having sex without having real feelings and held severe guilt in treating women like objects. Never again. And sexually pleasing women is not something im good at at all. I sucked. BAD. Im surprised they didn't complain afterwards.

So you have a conscience.

Now anyone who's still reading this is about to say WTF does this kid have to worry about? I know there are people that have it worse like 35 year olds that never had a single physical contact with a woman.

36 year old 'never touched a woman' sad loser checking in here. You are still only 23.

I was always a very shy clumsy person. I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I lost my chance for teenage love, and to me this seems an essential part of life that you must experience to be trusted and given a chance as an adult. I never had the confidence to talk to a girl (also cause I was in a special ed school with mostly boys).

And yet you "fooled around" with girls when you were younger. That doesn't compute. Why did they consent to that if you're so unlikable (by your own assessment)?

I've only dated 2 girls in my whole life. And after about the second date they ended up friendzoning me probably cause i acted so dumb and insecure with them.

The concept of 'friendzoning' isn't going to go down well here.. just so you know.

I am going to find somebody so late in life and I am not happy about this at all!! Wasting my youth away every day!! Forget about my 20s cause thats almost over now. Ill be lucky if someone will even give me a chance in my 30s.

Did you say 23, or 29?

When I go out on a first date I am so nervous and tense I do and say incredibly stupid things. What breaks my heart even more is that a 23 year old MAN should have been with at least 3 women by now. I had zero. And it follows you around all your life like a resume. This just makes me feel less of a man.

this is part of what feminists refer to as 'toxic masculinity'; basing your self-worth on how many conquests you've had. That isn't healthy.

A great man will sweep you off your feet and take you by the hand. If your a guy with these problems, you are doomed. You stay a single creep waste of sperm. Girls want a MAN. Not a wimp. Plain and simple. They want bitter aggressive emotionless men. This is why I believe that it sucks being a man, very much. I wish I was a woman instead because I am just not cut out for what is considered a "true man" in this life.

If I ever date a girl that I really like in the future and she really likes me, first she could dump me for being so terrible at sex. But mostly when I finally come clean with the fact that shes my first real girlfriend, she will get scared that I don't know how to handle or treat a woman properly, and she will friendzone me immediately. And the older I get the harder its going to be for that ONE person to finally be brave enough to give me a chance. And whoever does that I have no connection or mutuality with I am not gonna be interested anyway. I am not like most guys. I am a very emotionally sensitive person. But it makes me very empathetic towards women's feelings.

Toxic masculinity again. Whatever truth there is to this, you're only doing yourself a disservice by thinking this way (ie. that women only like ********). Who cares about what women like that think. Find someone different. And most of us are sensitive. The arrogant and overconfident are in the minority.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

I have always thought of "experience" as something that is better built with a partner. No experience is going to be the same.

I find it to be more of a turn off when someone obsesses over the fact that they don't have much of something. And when they finally find someone to build it with, they doubt everything.

 

[SofiasMami]

So you're 23 but, as you say, forget about your 20s because those are almost over now? Jeez. I'm 43 and single. I guess I should just pack up my matching pantsuits and tapioca pudding and check into an old-folks home now, huh?

Frankly, I think your issues go a bit beyond not having 3 girlfriends by 23 or whatever self-imposed quota you have.

It was only when I realized that having a man isn't going to solve my problems with loneliness that I was able to move on from the "I must have a relationship" mentality. Hopefully one day you will reach that point too.

-Teresa

 

[Aisha]

Your unwillingness to let go of preconceptions and your attitude might explain much.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I think if you are willing to learn it helps.

This. Even if it takes you much longer than the average person to do so, so what? Then you better start now, don't you think?

I have always thought of "experience" as something that is better built with a partner. No experience is going to be the same.

I find it to be more of a turn off when someone obsesses over the fact that they don't have much of something. And when they finally find someone to build it with, they doubt everything.

+1
Very well said, Amy.

 

[reynard_muldrake]

EDIT: lashing out won't solve anything, although I fail to see why being single at 23 is an issue.

 

[Arachne]

At your age being single the rest of your life is a tall order. I doubt this will happen to you. As to your inexperience, some women find that attractive. Some women can and do feel the same way you do right now. I just bet there is a gal out there who does. Whilst I realize you have a disorder, you can get help for it. Throwing in the towel of you sexuality at your age is, how do I say this without sounding harsh? Is to yield control to your fears. Give yourself time, wisdom and maturity. It is not a game of who has slept with a woman by a certain age. Bright Blessings on your Journey..

 

[Jimbo74]

@Arachne
As to your inexperience, some women find that attractive.

I cannot comprehend or even begin to understand how this is even humanly possible. When you go on a job interview with an empty resume, you think anybody is going to hire you? Its as simple as that. I would think that women would want to make sure the guy they are with KNOWS how to treat and handle a woman properly. Teenage love is your TRAINING. If you don't have that you are worth nothing to a woman. Like trying to get hired to a company. No difference. That's like being hired to a Plumbing company with no experience. "Oh it's ok! No worries!" And you burst pipes allover the place and destroy people's houses! So please explain further how you think that inexperience is attractive? I do not understand...

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

If teenage love is training, I think we are all screwed.

Teenage love is an experiment at best. With the rare exception.

 

[ladyforsaken]

@Arachne
As to your inexperience, some women find that attractive.

I cannot comprehend or even begin to understand how this is even humanly possible. When you go on a job interview with an empty resume, you think anybody is going to hire you? Its as simple as that. I would think that women would want to make sure the guy they are with KNOWS how to treat and handle a woman properly. Teenage love is your TRAINING. If you don't have that you are worth nothing to a woman. Like trying to get hired to a company. No difference. That's like being hired to a Plumbing company with no experience. "Oh it's ok! No worries!" And you burst pipes allover the place and destroy people's houses! So please explain further how you think that inexperience is attractive? I do not understand...

That's a ridiculous comparison, but okay, if you wanna use that comparison then let me share a little fact of mine.

I was hired by a company that deals with a lot of customer service dealing with customers from all over the world, something I had ZERO experience in. They took me in anyway and I learned my way into it. They decided to give me a chance.

Same thing with people, eh. There WILL be some who don't give a honeysuckle whether you've had experience or not. There WILL be some who don't even want those who've had experience. SOME people will find it attractive. Deal with it.

 

[Jimbo74]

@ladyforsaken
I think if you are willing to learn it helps.

This. Even if it takes you much longer than the average person to do so, so what? Then you better start now, don't you think?

This is the core of all my stress. I can be willing as I want to learn it still will take me a long time for me to learn how to have sex correctly, and anything else a woman would want me to do in a relationship. Im going to ruin alot of good opportunities because im so slow and stupid. Im not happy about it "taking much longer than the average person" because i wont be young anymore by the time i finally learn!

And even if a girl were to stay with me for a good couple of years they are going to see how generally slow and stupid I always tend to be and they are going to get frustrated and eventually they are going to get tired of me. I am going to become women's biggest regret of thier life.

 

[ladyforsaken]

This is the core of all my stress. I can be willing as I want to learn it still will take me a long time for me to learn how to have sex correctly, and anything else a woman would want me to do in a relationship. Im going to ruin alot of good opportunities because im so slow and stupid. Im not happy about it "taking much longer than the average person" because i wont be young anymore by the time i finally learn!

Then?! What are you going to do about it?!?! Sitting there complaining about how stupid and slow you are and how you'll never learn in time WILL NOT get you anywhere. If you could just stop telling yourself that you're slow and stupid and just use your energy to focus on working on things to improve for yourself, you WILL actually progress. Just STOP distracting yourself with words AND thoughts of discouragement cos that is what's slowing you down.

 

[user 115627]

When you go on a job interview with an empty resume, you think anybody is going to hire you? Its as simple as that. I would think that women would want to make sure the guy they are with KNOWS how to treat and handle a woman properly.

You know, if all you show on your "resume" is a history of your sexual experience...that is going to be the real shameful display.

This is the core of all my stress. I can be willing as I want to learn it still will take me a long time for me to learn how to have sex correctly, and anything else a woman would want me to do in a relationship. Im going to ruin alot of good opportunities because im so slow and stupid. Im not happy about it "taking much longer than the average person" because i wont be young anymore by the time i finally learn!

You mentioned that you suffer from anxiety, but seriously...chill the fresia out and give yourself a break. Relationships aren't rocket science so I doubt your rash self-criticism of being totally slow and stupid is anywhere close to reality - or helpful as LadyF said up there. I'm 23 myself with little to no experience (and seriously bad ones). But it's not that hard to be a decent person and that's where it begins. So loosen up, pal. The average woman's prime concern is not your sexual proficiency and in the unlikely event it actually is...you better bail out, cause that's not the basis for a healthy long-lasting relationship.