Is it possible to self talk yourself into being positive?

[Iceman1978]

Emotional abuse leaves scars that run deep. In many ways, the long-term effects of emotional/psychological abuse are much worse than physical. It destroys your sense of self-worth. Whoever coined the term "sticks and stones..." could not be more wrong.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Emotional abuse leaves scars that run deep. In many ways, the long-term effects of emotional/psychological abuse are much worse than physical. It destroys your sense of self-worth. Whoever coined the term "sticks and stones..." could not be more wrong.

I'll again say like some have already said, it really depends on the person. Someone like me, words don't affect me. I could care less if someone called me fat, ugly, bitch, this, that, or the other. Personally, I think that we give meaning to words, and we allow them to do certain things, either help us or hurt us. I also think that actions speak louder than words, and if someone's not showing anything, then their words are useless.

 

[Locke]

Sometimes positive thinking is the only thing that gets me through the day.

I'll again say like some have already said, it really depends on the person. Someone like me, words don't affect me. I could care less if someone called me fat, ugly, bitch, this, that, or the other. Personally, I think that we give meaning to words, and we allow them to do certain things, either help us or hurt us. I also think that actions speak louder than words, and if someone's not showing anything, then their words are useless.

But when someone calls you bitch, ugly or whatever else, they are showing you something: Contempt. Yes, we give meaning to words. It's hard not to when someone you care about says hurtful things. Minor physical acts like being hit can be healed quickly. The pain that comes from being bullied, betrayed or being treated like garbage can take a heavier toll.

Of course how painful it is depends on the person, people have different physical pain thresholds too. But if someone you love called you bitch and meant it, that would hurt, right?

 

[VanillaCreme]

But when someone calls you bitch, ugly or whatever else, they are showing you something: Contempt. Yes, we give meaning to words. It's hard not to when someone you care about says hurtful things. Minor physical acts like being hit can be healed quickly. The pain that comes from being bullied, betrayed or being treated like garbage can take a heavier toll.

Of course how painful it is depends on the person, people have different physical pain thresholds too. But if someone you love called you bitch and meant it, that would hurt, right?

I understand what you're saying, and it's probably true for the majority of folks. But me? No. Wouldn't care. Words don't show anything to me. It's basically just lips flapping. That's why apologizes don't really mean much to me, especially when I hear them again and again. I don't chase after apologizes. The fact that someone's sorry doesn't erase what they've done. Keep in mind, this is just what I think. I'm not saying this is true for everyone.

I've been bullied. I've been betrayed. And I've been treated like utter garbage. And by family members at that. Does it hurt me? Sure. But I don't see the point in keeping a negative behavior about it. Which is what I mean by positive thinking and a positive attitude about things can help. It doesn't help me to dwell on the negative things that's happened to me. I'll never forget any of it, because I think that people should never forget where they come from. But I've done good by myself but getting the positives from it, and becoming strong enough to even overcome those things.

 

[Locke]

^ Good answer, VanillaCreme. And I agree, positive thinking can help to let go of the pain. I hope to be that strong too, one day.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

If I could separate feelings from words, that would be one thing.

But when someone I care about says something hurtful, it hurts. Sometimes unbearably. I'm sorry, but instead of me trying to accept people's mistakes and how they are flawed and will hurt, they should think about what they say or do before they hurt someone else.

I am not perfect. I have said and done some pretty hurtful things in my life, particularly when I was mentally ill. But unless I believe in Karma, I don't think that's any excuse to face what I've faced.

 

[Locke]

^ It is not about accepting other people's mistakes, or even forgiving them. Its about letting the pain go. If you hold on to what others have said or done to you, you continue to victimize yourself, and it makes it more difficult to heal.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

That makes sense, Locke.

But how do you let the pain go, if it's from family members? I've tried my best to "divorce them", but it's hard at family reunions, etc. I want to punch them for what they did to me, that would be easier than to bleed like I have.

 

[Locke]

My solution was to cut my family out of my life, because all they did was cause me pain. It's not easy to get over verbal abuse and neglect when the abuser is still around. If you can't forgive, maybe you can take it as a learning experience and not let them do it again. Learn from the pain, don't dwell on it.

At least you only have to see them at family gatherings, right?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Yeah, that's true.

And only one half of my family are like that. I have nice family members.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I've tried to try to get myself out of things, especially when I was at my lowest and it was always extremely hard cause I felt was bad, horrible things about myself. And I wasn't used to hearing the positive. Possibly over time I think I'll be able too. I've been a victim of bullied and been in abusive relationships, right now I find it extremely hard to try to get myself out of the negative gutter.

 

[theglasscell]

It's not easy. I've been stuck at a really low point for a few days and I can't talk myself out of it. Even with other people I know talking to me and trying to cheer me up I'm just getting worse.

 

[VanillaCreme]

But how do you let the pain go, if it's from family members? I've tried my best to "divorce them", but it's hard at family reunions, etc. I want to punch them for what they did to me, that would be easier than to bleed like I have.

Maybe this is just me... I don't know, there may be other members here that can understand what I'm about to say...

Saying that I have family means nothing to me. It's like the word "husband" to me. It holds no meaning. I'm not saying that I dislike my family, because I don't. It has nothing to do with disliking them or hating them, because I don't hold hatred in my heart. I don't have the time nor energy to.

I should just say that I can find it easy to cut someone off. Cutting someone off doesn't mean dislike or hatred to me either. It just means that nothing (and this can refer to the contempt that was mentioned) anyone says or does can affect me. I firmly think that people can only hurt you if you allow them to. And what I mean by that is, how you react to the things that people (family) do is entirely up to you. You may have absolutely no control in what they do, how they act, what they say... But how my reaction to anything is completely my own doing.

I think this is why a lot of people just can't take responsibility for anything. It's usually always the doing of someone else. You can't blame yourself for what other people do to you, but you can blame yourself for how you react. It's like if a kid were pushed on the playground. They either, A) sit there and cry; B) stand up for themselves (which may ensue a fight); or C) walk away.

We have choices, and many people do things not because they think, but because it's a typical reaction. Maybe what they're used to doing (like someone who fights a lot) or perhaps it's an automatic reaction. Either way, it's a choice.

Well damn, to make this relevant, cutting someone off is letting things go. Like my aunt. I don't particularly care for her. I don't care if she knows it. I don't care if it makes her upset. But I can't hold onto someone or something that's just not there. There's no point. It's like trying to grab the elements with your hand. It probably won't do much good.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

That sounds really cold, Vanilla, and not something I could do.

 

[Shut_Out]

I firmly think that people can only hurt you if you allow them to. And what I mean by that is, how you react to the things that people (family) do is entirely up to you. You may have absolutely no control in what they do, how they act, what they say... But how my reaction to anything is completely my own doing.

Very true, and in line with Buddhist and Stoic philosophies.

 

[blackdot]

"self-talk" only makes things worse for me. It causes me major moods swings. I get my brain pumped up about being happy about nothing and then my brain catches on to the trick and plummets into depression then I have to try pumping myself back up again only to fall again.

 

[VanillaCreme]

That sounds really cold, Vanilla, and not something I could do.

May seem cold, and I wouldn't blame anyone if they thought I was a frigid bitch. But if you only knew what she did - or didn't do - to not just me, but my mom, my dad, and my brother. As well as my uncle (her baby brother). You'd understand why. See, you don't know about it, and I'm not expecting you to. But I can't just let someone play me like I'm an idiot just because she thinks I'm still the little girl that was quiet and kept to herself. Or that my mom is timid now, so I must be? No. I stand up for myself, and that includes towards family members.

I don't need them. And probably never will. I've come this far without their aid, and most of them never had a helping hand in raising me. That being said, I don't mind getting to know them or being around them. But if they feel like they can step in and tell me what to do with my life - which they have - I think I have the right to tell them to back off.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I didn't mean to say that you were cold, Vanilla. Just that it strikes me as a bit cold.

I can't separate my feelings that way. If I've put my trust and love in a person, and then they betray me, it's like they're stabbing me in the heart. Yes, I should move on, and I have moved on...I don't keep in contact with people who hurt me, at least not intentionally.

But it's just like, I don't know how to silence the fears that it'll happen again. I know a lot of people have worse things to complain about, and I'm not disparaging their struggles, but it just makes me wonder if I'm every going to fully heal, to where I don't mistrust everyone I come across.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I didn't mean to say that you were cold, Vanilla. Just that it strikes me as a bit cold.

I can't separate my feelings that way. If I've put my trust and love in a person, and then they betray me, it's like they're stabbing me in the heart. Yes, I should move on, and I have moved on...I don't keep in contact with people who hurt me, at least not intentionally.

But it's just like, I don't know how to silence the fears that it'll happen again. I know a lot of people have worse things to complain about, and I'm not disparaging their struggles, but it just makes me wonder if I'm every going to fully heal, to where I don't mistrust everyone I come across.

I think that's the thing... We'll never know if someone will hurt us. I'm sure if we could always predict it, this world would be different. And I wouldn't beat myself up over not knowing either, because like I said before... We can't control what others do. We can only control how we react.

That being said, I don't mind keeping contact. I'll talk to my aunt, sit and laugh with her, no problem. But I will never hold her in the same light I did 15, 20 years ago. Never. And she can only blame herself for that. When my mom did damn near everything for her... helped her with her modeling career, bought her a car, and helped her out with things that I don't even know about... And all she could do when my mom became sick was give mom a bottle of water? Nah, never again.

I don't hold everyone in distrust because of one person's actions though. Personally, I don't trust easily to begin with. That may help me. I'll make friends, no problem. But I don't readily consider someone a true, core friend.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Yeah, I can relate to that.

I have three aunts. Two of who are extremely nice, and one who is mean.

I basically cut off contact completely with the mean one, because she was so abusive. I don't think she even realizes that she is being hurtful, but it's part of her personality, and she will never change. Her brothers, my uncles, were that way, and I cut off contact with them as well, because they were so horrible.

I try to be a better person than the people who kick me down, but it is painful to have good memories of them, and then realize that was an illusion. They were never that way, they were just pretending. It's like looking at your reflection and then swirling your finger in the water. It distorts the image.