Is love a feeling? or is it a choice?

[user 135671]

I've often been asked what scares me most or what my biggest fear is. I know they are expecting an answer like heights, or clowns, or closed spaces. So how do you tell them you learnt at an early age that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. That your lovers once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

So, yea, the question is is love a feeling or is it a choice?.

 

[okidoke]

Definitely not a choice. When you have children you realise this.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Love is not a choice. And if it's actually love, it doesn't go away, at least in my opinion.


That said, love also isn't always enough.

 

[user 135671]

Definitely not a choice. When you have children you realise this.

I get this, I have unconditional love for my wee girl and that will never change regardless of superficial traits and flaws, but is it the same for romantic love? is it a conscious commitment?, something that you chose to make work everyday with a person who has chosen the same thing?. Feelings are always changing can you build something that will last on such a shaky foundation?.

 

[user 135671]

if it's actually love, it doesn't go away, at least in my opinion

How would you define 'actually love'?

 

[okidoke]

I get this, I have unconditional love for my wee girl and that will never change regardless of superficial traits and flaws, but is it the same for romantic love? is it a conscious commitment?, something that you chose to make work everyday with a person who has chosen the same thing?. Feelings are always changing can you build something that will last on such a shaky foundation?.

well, you're asking someone who fell out of life with his wife of 26 years. i was deeply in love with my wife. i thought the foundation was sound. i fell in love with her almost the moment I met her. i just knew we were going to be married one day, which we did 5 years later. somewhere around the 10-12 year mark of our marriage it slowly came undone. i kept getting feelings of being rejected, dismissed, and many other negative things. It all went south from there and I no longer have those feelings for her. In fact, resentment has taken root some time ago now, knowing I can't more on to other things given our current circumstances. I blame myself of course.

 

[TheRealCallie]

How would you define 'actually love'?

Unconditional, just like with your daughter. However, like I said, love isn't always enough and sometimes it just doesn't work. Take my ex for example. I love him, I will always love him, despite what he did to me over the course of our relationship. I'm not IN love with him anymore, but I still love him. That love has changed, though, from a romantic love to more like a family love. So yes, actual love can change, but it will always be there. Hate the actions, hate the situation, but not the person....if that makes sense.

 

[okidoke]

Unconditional, just like with your daughter. However, like I said, love isn't always enough and sometimes it just doesn't work. Take my ex for example. I love him, I will always love him, despite what he did to me over the course of our relationship. I'm not IN love with him anymore, but I still love him. That love has changed, though, from a romantic love to more like a family love. So yes, actual love can change, but it will always be there. Hate the actions, hate the situation, but not the person....if that makes sense.

do you think that "family love" is more like an obligation? When you say you still love your ex, in what way? How do you define that love for him? I would do anything for my best mate, but I wouldn't say I love him, but I feel great annoyance and frustration and resentment to my mother at times, but feel that I'm "supposed" to love her. I'm sure I'd feel some pain and loss when she dies, but I can't feel a love there, or at least, I'm not sure how I feel. Maybe I just don't know what love is anymore, although I do feel something very special and different with my three daughters than for anyone else in the world. I feel their pain, their suffering, their yearning, but maybe it's because of the things I've missed out on. I don't know.

 

[user 135671]

if that makes sense

Yea, thanks Callie, makes complete sense. I'm in a similar situation with my daughter's mother.

 

[TheRealCallie]

do you think that "family love" is more like an obligation? When you say you still love your ex, in what way? How do you define that love for him? I would do anything for my best mate, but I wouldn't say I love him, but I feel great annoyance and frustration and resentment to my mother at times, but feel that I'm "supposed" to love her. I'm sure I'd feel some pain and loss when she dies, but I can't feel a love there, or at least, I'm not sure how I feel. Maybe I just don't know what love is anymore, although I do feel something very special and different with my three daughters than for anyone else in the world. I feel their pain, their suffering, their yearning, but maybe it's because of the things I've missed out on. I don't know.

I don't consider family as those you were born into. "Family" to me is the people that have your back, the people you would do anything for, who are always there for you regardless of what's going on in your life or theirs. I don't love all my biological family. I didn't love my paternal grandparents, but I do love my maternal grandparents, because they were/are there for me, because they didn't/don't just talk to me out of obligation.

I think a lot of men view love differently than women do, because we are generally more open with our feelings, both consciously and subconsciously. My feelings about love are different than a lot of people, though. This is just my take on it.

 

[user 135671]

well, you're asking someone who fell out of life with his wife of 26 years. i was deeply in love with my wife. i thought the foundation was sound. i fell in love with her almost the moment I met her. i just knew we were going to be married one day, which we did 5 years later. somewhere around the 10-12 year mark of our marriage it slowly came undone. i kept getting feelings of being rejected, dismissed, and many other negative things. It all went south from there and I no longer have those feelings for her. In fact, resentment has taken root some time ago now, knowing I can't more on to other things given our current circumstances. I blame myself of course.

Sorry man, you're usually so upbeat and positive I forget the sh*t you go through .

In the UK among the upper classes and working class arranged marriages are quite common, I noticed in India and more recently in China that people often choose arranged marriage, not the forced bs but consensual. Most that I've encountered are very happy and have long and fulfilling relationships They usually say they've chosen to be in love rather than felt it from day one So yea that's kinda what put me on this train of thought.

 

[user 135671]

do you think that "family love" is more like an obligation? When you say you still love your ex, in what way? How do you define that love for him? I would do anything for my best mate, but I wouldn't say I love him, but I feel great annoyance and frustration and resentment to my mother at times, but feel that I'm "supposed" to love her. I'm sure I'd feel some pain and loss when she dies, but I can't feel a love there, or at least, I'm not sure how I feel. Maybe I just don't know what love is anymore, although I do feel something very special and different with my three daughters than for anyone else in the world. I feel their pain, their suffering, their yearning, but maybe it's because of the things I've missed out on. I don't know.

Oh mate now I've gone down a Ceno rabbit hole. So it's not 'One love' like Bob Marley told us. There's different types and degrees of love.

 

[okidoke]

Sorry man, you're usually so upbeat and positive I forget the sh*t you go through .

A facade I often display to help me get through my days

In the UK among the upper classes and working class arranged marriages are quite common, I noticed in India and more recently in China that people often choose arranged marriage, not the forced bs but consensual. Most that I've encountered are very happy and have long and fulfilling relationships They usually say they've chosen to be in love rather than felt it from day one So yea that's kinda what put me on this train of thought.

Yes, an interesting consideration. It's like being allocated an occupation and accepting it and growing into it in some ways. It's like a genuine appreciation for the circumstances and letting it become a part of you, and making the most of it. Nothing wrong with that if it's not killing your soul.

I don't consider family as those you were born into. "Family" to me is the people that have your back, the people you would do anything for, who are always there for you regardless of what's going on in your life or theirs. I don't love all my biological family. I didn't love my paternal grandparents, but I do love my maternal grandparents, because they were/are there for me, because they didn't/don't just talk to me out of obligation.

I think a lot of men view love differently than women do, because we are generally more open with our feelings, both consciously and subconsciously. My feelings about love are different than a lot of people, though. This is just my take on it.

I think I was very open with my feelings, too much maybe. I've always considered myself different to most other men. I'm very different to my wife in some of those ways as well. I'm don't think I have anyone in my life as you describe. Perhaps at some moments in my life I have, to some degree, but maybe it was just me being me that didn't making anyone truly feel comfortable to be that way with me.

 

[okidoke]

Oh mate now I've gone down a Ceno rabbit hole. So it's not 'One love' like Bob Marley told us. There's different types and degrees of love.

I believe that yes.

 

[ringwood]

I get this, I have unconditional love for my wee girl and that will never change regardless of superficial traits and flaws, but is it the same for romantic love? is it a conscious commitment?, something that you chose to make work everyday with a person who has chosen the same thing?. Feelings are always changing can you build something that will last on such a shaky foundation?.

I can only speak from my own experience of being with my long-term partner of 22 years. Yes, I think our relationship is a conscious commitment. Of course, it was initially built by mutual attraction and developed into love, but it’s also a realization that this is the person you have chosen to build your life around, good or bad. How do you keep that foundation strong through the years? A whole lot of compromise! A whole lot of patience, empathy, being able to see problems and issues through your partner’s eyes and being open to change and growth because it’s guaranteed to happen. No person is static - the years inevitably change you - I am not the same person I was 20 years ago, nor is my husband.

Are there times where I want to strangle the ****** in his sleep? Absolutely! I know he’s felt the same about me, many times. Having a sense of humour is also key, haha. And making sure that the compromises you make in your relationship aren’t one-sided all the time - if one partner is always the one to cave, that just builds resentment. I know it sounds cliche, but we are honestly best friends - he’s the one I can always count on - no matter what - and that feeling is reciprocated.

Think of it like an ongoing construction project that never gets finished. You build a foundation, then start adding bricks - eventually you might step back, take a good look and say, “Yeah, this isn’t working,” and take away some bricks. Or maybe you decide to do some renovations, so you add more bricks in one section and demolish another section. Maybe you rebuild the entire structure, or add on another wing or let the whole **** thing topple. My point? Basically it’s a work in progress.

 

[user 135671]

I can only speak from my own experience of being with my long-term partner of 22 years. Yes, I think our relationship is a conscious commitment. Of course, it was initially built by mutual attraction and developed into love, but it’s also a realization that this is the person you have chosen to build your life around, good or bad. How do you keep that foundation strong through the years? A whole lot of compromise! A whole lot of patience, empathy, being able to see problems and issues through your partner’s eyes and being open to change and growth because it’s guaranteed to happen. No person is static - the years inevitably change you - I am not the same person I was 20 years ago, nor is my husband.

Are there times where I want to strangle the ****** in his sleep? Absolutely! I know he’s felt the same about me, many times. Having a sense of humour is also key, haha. And making sure that the compromises you make in your relationship aren’t one-sided all the time - if one partner is always the one to cave, that just builds resentment. I know it sounds cliche, but we are honestly best friends - he’s the one I can always count on - no matter what - and that feeling is reciprocated.

Think of it like an ongoing construction project that never gets finished. You build a foundation, then start adding bricks - eventually you might step back, take a good look and say, “Yeah, this isn’t working,” and take away some bricks. Or maybe you decide to do some renovations, so you add more bricks in one section and demolish another section. Maybe you rebuild the entire structure, or add on another wing or let the whole **** thing topple. My point? Basically it’s a work in progress.

This is exactly the way my thinking was going. Feelings for me are very fluid, I've always been a free spirit, never wanted ties or commitment, the only thing that keeps drawing me back to England is my daughter. Maybe it's time I made a conscious commitment and a few compromises. Living across the road from my last 'love' has opened my eyes to a lot of things, particularly the carnage I can leave in my wake. It's time to mend my ways ....... or perhaps I'll go to Sainsburys and see what I can pick up at the deli counter

 

[Abstamyous]

I came here for the @TropicalStarfish outlook. Now I feel obligated to answer for myself.

Absolutely, love is a feeling. The OP sounds like choosing a fear of change/not enough change/being changed. I've found it's impossible to be in any form of love without the changes to self. Probably not so much superficial changes, but a continuous growth on the inside. I think you can absolutely choose to view it as a cancer or as a height advantage.

Romantically, I view love as more of a lesson. Feelings play a big role. But learning where to nurture, where to be disciplined, when to let go and compromise... Sometimes, my personal fears make it feel like pulling teeth, but it's all necessary.

 

[user 135671]

The OP sounds like choosing a fear of change/not enough change/being changed. I've found it's impossible to be in any form of love without the changes to self. Probably not so much superficial changes, but a continuous growth on the inside.

yea, fair point So to fall in love we have to take the risk of changing yourself for this person, you are giving them power to change you?

 

[Trevor]

Not a choice. Love sneaks up on you.

 

[MrLonely86]

Pink glasses or horny phase - it fades away after 2 years, so you are left with choice ...... Everything fades - so love is pure choice - I choose this and that ... not different than ordering food in restaurant . XD