Is this a bad friendship?

[Tiina63]

I am female and single and have a female friend some years younger than me who is also single and I am wondering if she is secretly hoping that I won't meet anyone to settle down with. I don't mean in any way that she fancies me, but that if I did meet someone, it would touch on her own fears about being single which she generally pushes away.
Although she claims to be happy on her own, when one of her other friends phoned to tell her she was getting married, my friend had a good cry afterwards about it and was really upset. And if I say to her about hoping to find someone she says I am too old and being unrealistic. This afternoon she said that several other people had remarked to her that they didn't think I would ever get married and when I asked her who had said this, she mentioned one lady who had only said that I had been looking for someone several years ago. To me, this does not mean that the lady thinks I won't meet anyone. It is a simple statement of fact that yes, I was looking for someone then as well. My friend wouldn't give any other names or quotes, so I am wondering if there even were any others or if she has invented it to
bolster her wishes.
Two other incidents also suggest that she may not want me to meet anyone. I was once friendly with a man she knew as well and I saw him on a friendship level once a week when he came to my house for a cup of tea for an hour after the reading group we both went to. My friend suddenly said one day that I was 'always with him,' which untrue and ridiculous. And even if I had have been, this would not have been anyone else's business, least of all hers.
We both knew another man as well who went through a phase of wanting to go out with me, but my friend went on about his various issues so much and said she was a 'concerned friend' but when I was on my own at Christmas and at other important times, I don't see any concern from her then.
Is she trying to sabotage me? I am wondering whether to start looking for different friends and to have her only as someone I see very occasionally

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I also don't like the idea that she may have been going round telling people that I am looking for someone as I told her this in confidence.

 

[ShybutHi]

Well Tiina in my opinion it sounds possible that this friend of yours has a bit of jealousy towards those in relationships. She may feel really lonely and really wants to meet someone herself, she might feel she is not capable of finding someone who likes her too (which is most likely entirely untrue).

It sounds possible that she may have had friends who got into relationships and it made her feel very left out, maybe she no longer sees a lot of her former friends and she puts the reason down to them finding a partner, resents the fact that their partner sort of 'took her friend away from her'.

So maybe she does not want you to be on the prowl because she fears that you may disappear from her life if you find someone.

 

[xaero]

I wouldn't call it a bad friendship at all. Your friend just seems to be in pain and doesn't want to lose you. It's not uncommon for two friends to break away from each other when one of them finds romance. It doesn't happen all the time, but it could happen, and I think that's why she said all those negative things to you. Her crying and being really upset over one of her other friends getting married seems to be indicative that she's afraid of losing friends and being alone. Understanding and acceptance despite seemingly apparent odds are difficult feelings to master. Talk to her about it with an open ear and go from there.

 

[Case]

I agree with the above comments, Tiina. It really feels like fear of abandonment to me. This is common among best friends where one finds a relationship and the other is still single. I've been on both sides of this fence. I had a best friend once where we did everything together. Then, he got a girlfriend, and my social life suffered temporarily. I found other friends to hang out with, and I still socialized with my best friend, but once a relationship happens, it can feel like the other friend is being left behind.

If I were to suggest anything, I'd say that you should assess how you feel about your friend. If she adds to your life and is a positive part of your life, maybe have a sit-down chat with her to say that you want a romantic relationship, and when that happens (not "if",) assure her that she will still be an important part of your life.

 

[Tiina63]

The thing is, she knows I have no family at all and am deeply lonely and very afraid all the time because of this, while she has a big family, all of whom are an excellent support network behind her for when she is ill and for family times etc. I thought that she would understand that I, too, want to have some sort of a family life and the support that this would bring as well, and that she would be encouraging and supportive rather than putting my wishes down.
My friend and I only meet up occasionally but speak on the phone every week, so if I do meet someone, this won't change.

 

[ShybutHi]

A massive majority of my former friends, basically 99%, have found someone and I don't see them anymore which really is a shame. I can see how someone would feel that way, no one likes to be lonely and I can see how someone could be jealous too. I admit I have felt a little jealous of some of my friends in the past although never did I say anything and let it affect our friendships in any way.
Some of my friends seem to be able to get into a relationship easily whereas I can not. I have not been in a relationship for such a long time, have had no real signals from women and sometimes can feel quite lonely so in a way I don't think it is surprising for my situation.

On the other hand I have a close friend who found someone a few years back and instead of him disappearing, I gained a friend, they even consult me on some personal things sometimes.
That is probably because we are so alike and I also have quite a lot in common with his gf too.

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The thing is, she knows I have no family at all and am deeply lonely and very afraid all the time because of this, while she has a big family, all of whom are an excellent support network behind her for when she is ill and for family times etc. I thought that she would understand that I, too, want to have some sort of a family life and the support that this would bring as well, and that she would be encouraging and supportive rather than putting my wishes down.
My friend and I only meet up occasionally but speak on the phone every week, so if I do meet someone, this won't change.

Hard to really tell. It really could be due to so so many different reasons. I would still put it down to maybe her not wanting to lose you as a friend because of a new relationship. She certainly should be supportive and encouraging like any friend should. It certainly sounds to me like there are underlying feelings about the subject that she has not talked to you about before.

 

[Case]

The thing is, she knows I have no family at all and am deeply lonely and very afraid all the time because of this, while she has a big family, all of whom are an excellent support network behind her for when she is ill and for family times etc. I thought that she would understand that I, too, want to have some sort of a family life and the support that this would bring as well, and that she would be encouraging and supportive rather than putting my wishes down.
My friend and I only meet up occasionally but speak on the phone every week, so if I do meet someone, this won't change.

This puts a slightly different spin on it, then.

As I have written here before, I have a female friend who was a one-time dating partner. (She is too similar to me. lol) We are now close friends, and as a result, she started inviting me to her family gatherings. Now, I have become close to her extended family to the point where they joke that I'm their adopted "brother," "uncle," "son," etc. (I've been to a wedding, a funeral, countless birthdays, and I'm going over to her sister's house for "game night" tonight.) It's very comforting to have them in my life, and I don't know how I'd be if my friend hadn't started inviting me. My life would be exceedingly less social.

Tiina, your friend could extend an offer to have you join her family for gatherings similar to how my friend invited me. But your friend doesn't seem to be that way. Granted, I've never had a friend essentially integrate me into her larger family who I wasn't romantically linked to, so I admit my situation is unique.

 

[Tiina63]

My friend has never included me in her family gatherings. Even when my mum died three days before Christmas in 2000 she did not invite me along even for an hour on Christmas Day or bother to phone at all to see how I was. If the sitaution had been reversed, there is no way I would have left her to face Christmas completely alone after a massive loss. I would have asked her to come and stay all over Christmas and would have invited her along every Christmas thereafter. But she has never shown the slightest inclination to include me either at Christmas or any other time. Obviously it is up to her who she sees, but I would have thought that she would be understanding and compassionate instead of belittling me for looking for someone.
I don't know if she fears losing me if I were to meet someone. Maybe its more that it would make her unhappy with being single herself if I met someone.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Misery loves its company, Tiina. That and she's probably jealous of you.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I would cut her loose. I believe in supporting my friends the same way that I would want to be supported and I have a strong belief in allowing people their freedoms, especially the freedom to pursue their own rights to love and happiness. A good friend would never hold someone back from this very important pursuit. There is absolutely no jealousy allowed because someone else gets into a relationship. Anyone who complains about this should just shut up. And her raining on your parade by telling you it's unrealistic you'll find someone and that you're too old is complete bull ****. I'm pretty sure there are stories of even seniors who met, fell in love and got married so you don't have to listen to her crap. She seems toxic, you might want to distance yourself from her or go ahead and keep the friendship but let her know how you feel. If I were you I would stick up for myself by calling her out on her self-absorbed behavior and attitude of hers and tell her to get a life. And she is really self-absorbed if she doesn't even care if you are alone on Christmas! And maybe that would be mean of me but this is how I would react to someone like this.

 

[Tiina63]

Thank you for your replies.
Ladyforsaken-my former counsellor thought the same way as you, that my friend is jealous because she knows that there is a chance, however small, that I might meet someone. I see what you mean about misery liking its company,too. It is hard for any friendship if one person suddenly changes the status quo and moves into a different situation, as it makes the other feel left behind even when they haven't been.
Alonewith2cats-to be honest, your thoughts are an echo of my ownand I thank you for writing them. I know that I couldn't just put on a happy pretend face with her after this and brush it under the carpet. It has gone too far and hurt too much for this. She was so nasty.
I talked to my new neighbour earlier as all of this is getting to me so much and she was saying that since her father died last year that her old friends have not been supportive because (except for one who has a massive family to support her) they have not been in the situation of losing someone. Now she is making friends with people who have lost loved ones and who she can connect with. My friend has never been interested in marriage nor has she ever lost a loved one, so maybe she really can't see how much her words and her behaviour have hurt me. I think it is time for me to move on as well.

 

[Tiina63]

Something else she said also hurt me. When she mentioned the lady who had said that I had been looking for someone several years ago, she then said to me, 'Will we be having this conversation again in several years?' and how many years till I give up looking for someone?

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Something else she said also hurt me. When she mentioned the lady who had said that I had been looking for someone several years ago, she then said to me, 'Will we be having this conversation again in several years?' and how many years till I give up looking for someone?

Dump her. And I hope you do find someone special soon. With all the bull **** she says to you, is she willing to do the same? I think not. You don't have to stop looking until you want to, until you yourself decide you're no longer interested at whatever age. I don't know your age, it's none of our business, but there are dating sites for people over 50 such as Our Time and even dating sites for seniors. You can absolutely find love in your 40s, 50s and 60s and you don't have to stop until you're dead. I know an Oprah website that tells a story of an 84 year old woman who met the love of her life, he is 80. In fact I'm going to find this website and post it right now so you can throw it in her jealous face. If someone talked to me like that I would personally tell that person to shut up and I wouldn't apologize for it either.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/6-Lessons-on-Why-Its-Never-Too-Late-to-Find-Love

 

[Tiina63]

Alonewith2cats-thank you for your understanding and support. Thank you also for the link which was so helpful and inspiring.
I have decided to end the friendship as it has hurt me so much. There have been other things as well which I haven't written about and it is time to call it a day with her.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Any time.

 

[ShybutHi]

Good Tiina don't let anyone bring you down. Someone is not really a friend if they do that kind of thing.
I actually stopped seeing a few certain friends a while back, I realized that firstly they had no care in the world for me and secondly their friendship was actually starting to bug me... They were just so negative about everything all the time to the point it got on my nerves, almost like a small group of old men who are bitter with everything in life and moan all day. I simply do not want that ******** in my life.