I've been ghosted: how to react when the other person disappears

[Expelliarmus]

No More news, nothing. To end a relationship of a few weeks, months or years, some do not give any sign of life overnight. Ghosting, this most cruel love behavior, is more and more frequent. How to manage this absence of rupture?

Leaving someone without giving them any sign of life is a practice that is not new. Except that this not very classy break seems to be gaining ground to the point that there is now a word that designates this process: ghosting According to an American study conducted in 2018 on 1300 participants and published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, we would be 25% to have already ghosted someone and 20% to have been ghosted

And this is not necessarily exclusive to romantic relationships. You can also be the victim of ghosting from a friend or in the context of work. But no matter who ghosts us, the resulting feeling of incomprehension proves to be difficult to manage.

Ghosting, the breakup without explanation
While the means of communication are multiplying and it has never been so easy to exchange, why do we end up interrupting our romantic relationships in this way? According to psychotherapist Cécile Guéret, "ghosting is a phenomenon that testifies to a consumerist, utilitarian relationship with others, in a society where "everything is marketed". And to add: "It is the fact of not considering the other in his difference, his otherness, his necessarily singular humanity; but as an object whose sole purpose is our contentment, our satisfaction, the response to our expectations. , even if it means putting incredible pressure on him so that he doesn't disappoint us."

Ghosting leaves the person who remains alone with their questions. "What is terrible in ghosting is that it is not a rupture but a disappearance, an absence of rupture" explains Cécile Guéret. Without an answer and above all, without an explanation, we quickly wonder what we could have done wrong and we imagine a whole bunch of scenarios. For the psychotherapist: "This calls into question everything that has been experienced: real? invented? Promises, projects and signs of commitment no longer have any meaning. As if the story had never existed, as if the other had never existed and, by extension, as if I myself did not exist

It can then be difficult to rebuild, trust someone again. Elsa, 30, also got ghosted by her girlfriend overnight. "It was many years ago but today again I find it very difficult to trust my friendly relationships as love again" she tells. "I am afraid of abandonment and disillusionment. As soon as I feel I'm getting attached I freak out!"

Should we reconnect after ghosting?

Should we give in to the urge to send a multitude of messages bordering on harassment to vent our anger? For Cécile Guéret, "wanting to reconnect at all costs can be destructive". If the person still does not answer us after several messages sent, it is time to let them go. "It's potentially too much violence, too destructive, too much denial of our existence. We just don't deserve to be treated like that," says our expert.

If you feel the need to close this story or regain control to get out of the feeling of helplessness, our psychotherapist advises writing a letter that officially ends the relationship, kicking him out of his friends on social networks, to banish him from his emails, his phone. As the expert explains, it's a good way to "become active, decide that a relationship is harmful and that you don't deserve it".

This is what Juliette, 26, who felt the need to turn the page did. "I'm quite impulsive. Not having answers put me in all my states. I'm not necessarily proud of it in hindsight, but I harassed him for several weeks, I stalked his social networks, I tried to It was useless to get explanations. I ended up making up my mind and sending him a letter, putting my resentment aside. It was rather life-saving".

Finally, to get out of the feeling of shame, it can be good to talk about it with empathetic loved ones. And do not hesitate to consult a psy, as Cécile Guéret reminds us, because ghosting remains an experience that can be extremely difficult to live with

 

[U-122]

I don't like the word. If i understand correctly, without googling, It means "completely ignored"? and that's what i like to say - ignored. I get ignored by everyone around me and it's fine because i'm in a very toxic environment surrounded by shallow hostile snobs, who don't give me time of day, but one very special case that hits hard is my neighbor. Not interested in her in any way but loneliness got to me and i wanted to try to be friendly and hoped to gain her attention and temporary friendship, because nothing is permanent here. It backfired very hard. I won't ever try again. It's extremely difficult for me because it's killing me inside. How can anyone do this. Talk/text to me one day and next day she completely ignores me, then dislikes and disrespects, treats me like invisible garbage. For no reason at all. The only reason i can think of, and i even told her in the beginning, is my low status or zero status.

Should you reconnect after being ignored or ignoring someone? No. Never. Whatever side you're on. I cut contact. No more Mr. Nice Neighbor Guy.

 

[SecondStarTotheRight]

"ghosting is a phenomenon that testifies to a consumerist, utilitarian relationship with others, in a society where "everything is marketed"

This seems to be a growing phenomenon. I think it has a lot to do with the endless options available now, always something new to entice. New people to pick and choose over, so it's easier to fade out of a situation rather than communicate the whys. I've heard some people were even engaged to be married and got ghosted.
It's a consumer world. People get hungry, lustful, lonely, and are compelled toward others to consume them to satisfy the feelings. Then dump them when another feeling, another person, gives them attention. The ghosters are the ones that maybe aren't keen on being alone too much, can't tolerate their own company for too long.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I also don't like the word. I don't understand why EVERYTHING needs a "trendy" new name.

Even if they don't "ghost" you, that doesn't mean you have the answers you want. There will always be questions that 9 out of 10 times won't get answered. But it doesn't really matter what the answers are. It is what it is, if they don't want to be in your life, that's their problem, that's their loss, they don't deserve you.

 

[Sarah G]

Unfollow, unfriend, remove from contacts. If they want to come back into your life they'll have to ask and not just reappear as if nothing happened. That's boundary setting and self respect.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I have never been ghosted, so I'm not gonna pretend I know anything about what it feels like, but I have ghosted a few guys that were a little full on... as I felt unable to respond.

 

[U-122]

I wouldn't allow anyone back after being ignored/disliked It shows what kind of a shitty person the "ghoster" is. It happened to me in real life and in my case it turned out to be a manipulative evil liar narcissist. I wasn't involved with this piece of garbage but wanted to be friendly. Never happened to me before. New life experience for me when someone gives me time of day and then suddenly ignores me like i don't exist.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I wouldn't allow anyone back after being ignored/disliked It shows what kind of a shitty person the "ghoster" is. It happened to me in real life and in my case it turned out to be a manipulative evil liar narcissist. I wasn't involved with this piece of garbage but wanted to be friendly. Never happened to me before. New life experience for me when someone gives me time of day and then suddenly ignores me like i don't exist.

That sucks, yeah some people find it almost unimaginable how quickly some people can disregard others, and just treat them like the don't exist.

 

[Melli12]

I wouldn't allow anyone back after being ignored/disliked It shows what kind of a shitty person the "ghoster" is. It happened to me in real life and in my case it turned out to be a manipulative evil liar narcissist. I wasn't involved with this piece of garbage but wanted to be friendly. Never happened to me before. New life experience for me when someone gives me time of day and then suddenly ignores me like i don't exist.

But what If a friend does it out of a conflict and later explains, that he was just unable to cope with the situation. Sometimes, the reasons aren't that easy. I had this situation with a friend I knew over more than 10 years and then she ghosted me out of a conflict and talked to me one whole year later again. It was hard and I was very hurt, because I even tried to call her several times and she didn't respond. But I know she also has issues with psychic illness and she was a friend for over 10 years, so I forgive her. Sometimes ppl break up contact out of fear and mental overload, or they're hurt. Black and white thinking is easy, but it's not all about intentional abusive behaviour, it can be different. She was very sorry about it and I believe her.

 

[U-122]

But what If a friend does it out of a conflict and later explains, that he was just unable to cope with the situation. Sometimes, the reasons aren't that easy. I had this situation with a friend I knew over more than 10 years and then she ghosted me out of a conflict and talked to me one whole year later again. It was hard and I was very hurt, because I even tried to call her several times and she didn't respond. But I know she also has issues with psychic illness and she was a friend for over 10 years, so I forgive her. Sometimes ppl break up contact out of fear and mental overload, or they're hurt. Black and white thinking is easy, but it's not all about intentional abusive behaviour, it can be different. She was very sorry about it and I believe her.

It depends on circumstances. I guess in your case it's ok to take your friend back into your life. Especially if the conflict was justifiable/you had a good reason for it. But what if she does it to you again? Once a ghoster always a ghoster? Can you imagine no conflicts ever between you and her?

I don't have frenemies anymore and when i did we didn't have any conflicts or drama. Once they realized they can't use and abuse me anymore, they distanced themselves from me and i cut contact with them. I no longer allow others to use and abuse me. In my recent case this female also has genetic damage and psychiatric illness. I tried to help with that as well. Her disability doesn't prevent her from having a good career and a job, so mentally she is very aware of what she does to me. We didn't have a conflict. That's what makes it complicated. I don't know how to deal with it. Anyone else who ignores me from day one, i don't don't care, it's normal here. When someone talks to me, pretends to be friendly, and then suddenly doesn't know me, that hits hard.

 

[shoothechit]

No More news, nothing. To end a relationship of a few weeks, months or years, some do not give any sign of life overnight. Ghosting, this most cruel love behavior, is more and more frequent. How to manage this absence of rupture?

Leaving someone without giving them any sign of life is a practice that is not new. Except that this not very classy break seems to be gaining ground to the point that there is now a word that designates this process: ghosting According to an American study conducted in 2018 on 1300 participants and published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, we would be 25% to have already ghosted someone and 20% to have been ghosted

And this is not necessarily exclusive to romantic relationships. You can also be the victim of ghosting from a friend or in the context of work. But no matter who ghosts us, the resulting feeling of incomprehension proves to be difficult to manage.

Ghosting, the breakup without explanation
While the means of communication are multiplying and it has never been so easy to exchange, why do we end up interrupting our romantic relationships in this way? According to psychotherapist Cécile Guéret, "ghosting is a phenomenon that testifies to a consumerist, utilitarian relationship with others, in a society where "everything is marketed". And to add: "It is the fact of not considering the other in his difference, his otherness, his necessarily singular humanity; but as an object whose sole purpose is our contentment, our satisfaction, the response to our expectations. , even if it means putting incredible pressure on him so that he doesn't disappoint us."

Ghosting leaves the person who remains alone with their questions. "What is terrible in ghosting is that it is not a rupture but a disappearance, an absence of rupture" explains Cécile Guéret. Without an answer and above all, without an explanation, we quickly wonder what we could have done wrong and we imagine a whole bunch of scenarios. For the psychotherapist: "This calls into question everything that has been experienced: real? invented? Promises, projects and signs of commitment no longer have any meaning. As if the story had never existed, as if the other had never existed and, by extension, as if I myself did not exist

It can then be difficult to rebuild, trust someone again. Elsa, 30, also got ghosted by her girlfriend overnight. "It was many years ago but today again I find it very difficult to trust my friendly relationships as love again" she tells. "I am afraid of abandonment and disillusionment. As soon as I feel I'm getting attached I freak out!"

Should we reconnect after ghosting?

Should we give in to the urge to send a multitude of messages bordering on harassment to vent our anger? For Cécile Guéret, "wanting to reconnect at all costs can be destructive". If the person still does not answer us after several messages sent, it is time to let them go. "It's potentially too much violence, too destructive, too much denial of our existence. We just don't deserve to be treated like that," says our expert.

If you feel the need to close this story or regain control to get out of the feeling of helplessness, our psychotherapist advises writing a letter that officially ends the relationship, kicking him out of his friends on social networks, to banish him from his emails, his phone. As the expert explains, it's a good way to "become active, decide that a relationship is harmful and that you don't deserve it".

This is what Juliette, 26, who felt the need to turn the page did. "I'm quite impulsive. Not having answers put me in all my states. I'm not necessarily proud of it in hindsight, but I harassed him for several weeks, I stalked his social networks, I tried to It was useless to get explanations. I ended up making up my mind and sending him a letter, putting my resentment aside. It was rather life-saving".

Finally, to get out of the feeling of shame, it can be good to talk about it with empathetic loved ones. And do not hesitate to consult a psy, as Cécile Guéret reminds us, because ghosting remains an experience that can be extremely difficult to live with

 

[shoothechit]

Imo this is not only ‘unclassy’, as you have stated- it is the highest form of cruelty when bestowed upon one that you have claimed to truly Love.

Whether they have made mistakes and hurt you or not, since you are an adult you should be able to ‘put those big-boy pants on’ and communicate in an intelligent manner. Stone-walling silence accomplishes nothing but further wounds, and though one may be angry & bitter, it is no solution.
Two wrongs do NOT make a right. Neither do three, four etc. Rather than mistreat someone in this potentially very trauma-inducing manner, simply state that you need some space to think before speaking to them. For example: “I am very upset and hurting right now. I know that you want resolution, but you will have to wait until I am able to discuss this. I will let you know as soon as I am able. I am not stone-walling you. “

At least this shows the person that if they wait, that you are willing to sort the feelings as well as the direction of the relationship out. Worse case you end up parting ways, but possibly you can do so mutually and as peacefully as is possible under difficult circumstance. Now that is classy!

 

[Finished]

New life experience for me when someone gives me time of day and then suddenly ignores me like i don't exist.

Okay, 9:03am my time. Bye! hA! HA!
Oh crap I'm not supposed to say bye. I'm just supposed to say nothing. Oh well. Your gain.

 

[shoothechit]

No More news, nothing. To end a relationship of a few weeks, months or years, some do not give any sign of life overnight. Ghosting, this most cruel love behavior, is more and more frequent. How to manage this absence of rupture?

Leaving someone without giving them any sign of life is a practice that is not new. Except that this not very classy break seems to be gaining ground to the point that there is now a word that designates this process: ghosting According to an American study conducted in 2018 on 1300 participants and published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, we would be 25% to have already ghosted someone and 20% to have been ghosted

And this is not necessarily exclusive to romantic relationships. You can also be the victim of ghosting from a friend or in the context of work. But no matter who ghosts us, the resulting feeling of incomprehension proves to be difficult to manage.

Ghosting, the breakup without explanation
While the means of communication are multiplying and it has never been so easy to exchange, why do we end up interrupting our romantic relationships in this way? According to psychotherapist Cécile Guéret, "ghosting is a phenomenon that testifies to a consumerist, utilitarian relationship with others, in a society where "everything is marketed". And to add: "It is the fact of not considering the other in his difference, his otherness, his necessarily singular humanity; but as an object whose sole purpose is our contentment, our satisfaction, the response to our expectations. , even if it means putting incredible pressure on him so that he doesn't disappoint us."

Ghosting leaves the person who remains alone with their questions. "What is terrible in ghosting is that it is not a rupture but a disappearance, an absence of rupture" explains Cécile Guéret. Without an answer and above all, without an explanation, we quickly wonder what we could have done wrong and we imagine a whole bunch of scenarios. For the psychotherapist: "This calls into question everything that has been experienced: real? invented? Promises, projects and signs of commitment no longer have any meaning. As if the story had never existed, as if the other had never existed and, by extension, as if I myself did not exist

It can then be difficult to rebuild, trust someone again. Elsa, 30, also got ghosted by her girlfriend overnight. "It was many years ago but today again I find it very difficult to trust my friendly relationships as love again" she tells. "I am afraid of abandonment and disillusionment. As soon as I feel I'm getting attached I freak out!"

Should we reconnect after ghosting?

Should we give in to the urge to send a multitude of messages bordering on harassment to vent our anger? For Cécile Guéret, "wanting to reconnect at all costs can be destructive". If the person still does not answer us after several messages sent, it is time to let them go. "It's potentially too much violence, too destructive, too much denial of our existence. We just don't deserve to be treated like that," says our expert.

If you feel the need to close this story or regain control to get out of the feeling of helplessness, our psychotherapist advises writing a letter that officially ends the relationship, kicking him out of his friends on social networks, to banish him from his emails, his phone. As the expert explains, it's a good way to "become active, decide that a relationship is harmful and that you don't deserve it".

This is what Juliette, 26, who felt the need to turn the page did. "I'm quite impulsive. Not having answers put me in all my states. I'm not necessarily proud of it in hindsight, but I harassed him for several weeks, I stalked his social networks, I tried to It was useless to get explanations. I ended up making up my mind and sending him a letter, putting my resentment aside. It was rather life-saving".

Finally, to get out of the feeling of shame, it can be good to talk about it with empathetic loved ones. And do not hesitate to consult a psy, as Cécile Guéret reminds us, because ghosting remains an experience that can be extremely difficult to live with

 

[U-122]

Okay, 9:03am my time. Bye! hA! HA!
Oh crap I'm not supposed to say bye. I'm just supposed to say nothing. Oh well. Your gain.

ok i can say "when someone gives me snow in winter" lol i think both imply the same. it's not even 9:30. it's 11:09... can't even get right time of day here... fml lol

 

[user 188522]

I don't like the word. If i understand correctly, without googling, It means "completely ignored"? and that's what i like to say - ignored. I get ignored by everyone around me and it's fine because i'm in a very toxic environment surrounded by shallow hostile snobs, who don't give me time of day, but one very special case that hits hard is my neighbor. Not interested in her in any way but loneliness got to me and i wanted to try to be friendly and hoped to gain her attention and temporary friendship, because nothing is permanent here. It backfired very hard. I won't ever try again. It's extremely difficult for me because it's killing me inside. How can anyone do this. Talk/text to me one day and next day she completely ignores me, then dislikes and disrespects, treats me like invisible garbage. For no reason at all. The only reason i can think of, and i even told her in the beginning, is my low status or zero status.

Should you reconnect after being ignored or ignoring someone? No. Never. Whatever side you're on. I cut contact. No more Mr. Nice Neighbor Guy.

Good for you! I am trying to cut the cord with a family that denies my existence.

 

[Finished]

I was thinking that maybe I should get to know some people IRL and then Ghost them just for fun. However, I think in my case, they would all just be glad I stopped bothering them. Ha! ha!

 

[shoothechit]

Imo this is not only ‘unclassy’, as you have stated- it is the highest form of cruelty when bestowed upon one that you have claimed to truly Love.

Whether they have made mistakes and hurt you or not, since you are an adult you should be able to ‘put those big-boy pants on’ and communicate in an intelligent manner. Stone-walling silence accomplishes nothing but further wounds, and though one may be angry & bitter, it is no solution.
Two wrongs do NOT make a right. Neither do three, four etc. Rather than mistreat someone in this potentially very trauma-inducing manner, simply state that you need some space to think before speaking to them. For example: “I am very upset and hurting right now. I know that you want resolution, but you will have to wait until I am able to discuss this. I will let you know as soon as I am able. I am not stone-walling you. “

At least this shows the person that if they wait, that you are willing to sort the feelings as well as the direction of the relationship out. Worse case you end up parting ways, but possibly you can do so mutually and as peacefully as is possible under difficult circumstance. Now that is classy!

When one is ‘ghosted’ there is nothing to do but bestow self-love. Focus on your own needs that do not include revenge, or that other person. Also, do not allow yourself to make (more) stupid choices.

How best can you get healthy and remain healthy? Organize your life in such a way that you are set up to accomplish healthy goals.

Learn to smile again, and find things to be grateful for. Discover new hobbies and interests perhaps. Become the person you admire.

Be ready to talk to your Loved one if ever they are ready to, but do not count on it. Bitter humans often are unforgiving, until they realize that they themselves are not perfect. Wisdom is a process!

 

[U-122]

Good for you! I am trying to cut the cord with a family that denies my existence.

It's good and bad because i don't insist on forcing my friendship or friendliness on anyone, but it makes me feel bad inside. I feel like i'm not good enough to be a friend or a good neighbor or anything in between. I don't know... I personally can't do it to anyone if there's no reason for it. When i'm friendly with someone, we talk, i don't suddenly stop acknowledging their existence and ignore them.

If family ignores you, i guess it's best to cut the cord. But also depends on circumstances.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Some times people leave without explaining why. You will do it, and others will do it; be it a job, a friendship, relationship, a time-share, etc.. That is life. No need to re-invent the wheel or get a masters degree and make a graphical analysis R plot for your thesis.

Think about it, really. Come now...

Go on youtube, and you'll find 50,000 videos that will explain to you why your current partner is a ******* narcissist and why you should leave them, immediately, and go no contact, and offer no explanation. Then come here, and reread all that bullshit about, 'ghosting,' being, 'on the rise,' and such a horrible, horrible thing for some one to have to endure. Woe to all the traumatically triggered ghosting victims! Me... Oh... My...

What the fresia... It's as if an apple falling from a tree must be the product of some unseen force at play...

It's usually, always going to be quite difficult, and quite shocking, especially when there is a large degree of attachment, when some one leaves without explaining why; some times there is a good reason for it, other times the person is an ******* for doing so. However, these things will happen.

Some times it's as minor an affliction as being stood up without explanation for a coffee date. Other times, a wife or husband will leave their partner and two children, not explain why, and leave everyone guessing for years. It's a pretty varied phenomena, and the outcomes are quite varied as well.