Just another day

[lilE]

My self-esteem is so low it is severe. When I am around people, especially around my age, I feel so uncomfortable and inferior to everyone. I feel so worthless compared to everyone and I feel like no one likes me or wants to be my friend. I feel like a worthless piece of ****. Everyone is so much better than I am in every way possible.

I know people say to not care about what other people think of you, but the thing is I have no one in my life except for my mother. I have no friends and never had a gf, nobody to be “on my side” to make me feel like I do exist and that I am worthy of friends and romance. But I am the only one on my side, besides my mother. It feels like everyone else is on the other side, together in ostracizing me and keeping me isolated. I am the town loser. I walk around here with nothing everyday all by myself. No friends, nobody around. The only thing I have is my bus pass in my pocket that takes me to the same places where I am alone while there are lots of people around. I feel like everyone is against me and everyone does not like me. The isolation is brutal, especially when it is done on purpose by others as it always has been. It is torture, a mockery. I am 27. Grown. And I see nothing changing. In fact, the more I try to change things for the better for myself, the worse the circumstances get, the consequences for trying. It makes me angry, sad, lonely, and in despair.

All of my adult life has been like this. Constant rejection from anyone I ever tried to be friends with, rejected by every girl I asked out. How am I supposed to feel? I just feel that everyone around me has such better lives than me and has much more things that normally make people happy and I am not talking about money or materialistic things, I am talking about relationships, love, companionship, camaraderie.

I’ve spent too many years reading books, listening to music, watching films, writing; which all equals to being by myself.

 

[Regumika]

I think the problem is that all you think about is You, your life, your worth, your happiness. How about you start thinking about.. my life, my worth, and my happiness? How about someone else on the forum? What can you do to help the person in the other thread feel less lonely? How can you be a friend to someone else? How about helping someone asking the girl they like out? How about sharing what you have learned in college with some of us here. How about sharing with someone some good music you found, good movies you've come across. Why don't you PM someone and make their day better, show them that someone cares.

You know how any of us feel fulfilled in life? When we do something for someone else.

 

[Tiina63]

You might find that joining things helps, at least to an extent. You like reading, so you could join a reading group. You like films, so you could join a film society-there is one in most towns where you pay a subscription and then get either free or greatly reduced tickets to films. You like writing, so you could join a writing group. With your bus pass you could travel within a fairly decent sized radius to find groups you might like.

 

[lilE]

I am part of meetup.com and I have gone to their meetups before, but it is about 45 mintues away from where I live and it takes two hours to get there by bus. The bus only goes certain places here since it is a small town, there are more places it doesn't go than it does.

 

[Tiina63]

I can appreciate the difficulties of the long journey as I am not crazy about long bus journeys either, but on the other hand at least it gives you the chance to meet people. Is there anything going on a bit nearer as well which you could also join?

 

[msbxa]

When I was younger I had a lot of problems with social anxiety. No matter how hard I tried to fight against it, I could not beat it. Only until I came to accept that I had it, and just let the feelings be, was when they finally started to fade and not bother me.
I have come a long way since.

So maybe this could help you also. Maybe the key is acceptance.
As you said that "the more you try to change things, the worse it gets".

There is nothing wrong with being alone all the time. It does not make you any less of a person. Despite what the masses may think, they are all mostly fools anyway.

You are NOT a worthless person, just because you have no friends. I strongly believe this. Just try to accept what it is, and try not put it at the front of your mind.

I used to commute to another city all the time for university. 2 hours bus ride is not that big of a deal, come on. Pff, that is nothing compared to the hardship of loneliness you face day after day. That is not east to go through.

I don't know... Just trying to help.

 

[lilE]

I have social anxiety as well and I do accept it, but I don't know if I have it as a result of my experiences with people or if it is just all in my head, I tend to believe the former. The thing that hurts the most is the social rejection from both men and women and the social exclusion and ostracization that I have experienced since I was bullied in middle school, it is very real. That is what gets me angry the most and depresses me. I guess I have to accept that nobody wants to be my friend and no girls wants to be with me, but accepting that I don't think is going to help or make me feel any better, on the contrary.

Yeah, I can make the two hour bus ride to these groups, not a big deal.

---

I can appreciate the difficulties of the long journey as I am not crazy about long bus journeys either, but on the other hand at least it gives you the chance to meet people. Is there anything going on a bit nearer as well which you could also join?

Not near me no, as I live in a small town. But I guess I can make the long bus rides.

 

[msbxa]

The thing that hurts the most is the social rejection from both men and women and the social exclusion and ostracization that I have experienced since I was bullied in middle school, it is very real. That is what gets me angry the most and depresses me. I guess I have to accept that nobody wants to be my friend and no girls wants to be with me, but accepting that I don't think is going to help or make me feel any better, on the contrary.

I wonder, is there something about your appearance that makes you stand out from everyone else?
I've never lived in a small town myself, but I've heard from some people that have that people there can often be quite closed minded.
Have you ever considered moving to a big city? At least for a temporary time period?

Accepting that is not going to make you feel better, no. But it could maybe help lessen the problems associated with it.

 

[lilE]

The thing that hurts the most is the social rejection from both men and women and the social exclusion and ostracization that I have experienced since I was bullied in middle school, it is very real. That is what gets me angry the most and depresses me. I guess I have to accept that nobody wants to be my friend and no girls wants to be with me, but accepting that I don't think is going to help or make me feel any better, on the contrary.

I wonder, is there something about your appearance that makes you stand out from everyone else?
I've never lived in a small town myself, but I've heard from some people that have that people there can often be quite closed minded.
Have you ever considered moving to a big city? At least for a temporary time period?

Accepting that is not going to make you feel better, no. But it could maybe help lessen the problems associated with it.

I wouldn't say me appearance screams for attention. I just feel invisible I guess. I am still in school and have no money to move out, but moving to the city does sound nice if I could do it eventually.

 

[Despicable Me]

Some smaller towns can be close-minded in some ways, but a lot of the people who live in small towns are generally very friendly and accepting.
You could say cities are just as close-minded, in a way. They are just close-minded in a different way. It's not like people in cities are really any different than people who live in small towns, they are all still just people.

The problem usually isn't so much the type of location as the variety of people in that location.

 

[lilE]

When I was younger I had a lot of problems with social anxiety. No matter how hard I tried to fight against it, I could not beat it. Only until I came to accept that I had it, and just let the feelings be, was when they finally started to fade and not bother me.
I have come a long way since.

So maybe this could help you also. Maybe the key is acceptance.
As you said that "the more you try to change things, the worse it gets".

There is nothing wrong with being alone all the time. It does not make you any less of a person. Despite what the masses may think, they are all mostly fools anyway.

You are NOT a worthless person, just because you have no friends. I strongly believe this. Just try to accept what it is, and try not put it at the front of your mind.

I used to commute to another city all the time for university. 2 hours bus ride is not that big of a deal, come on. Pff, that is nothing compared to the hardship of loneliness you face day after day. That is not east to go through.

I don't know... Just trying to help.

Thanks for trying to help though.