Late 20s, w/gf, job, but SO UNHAPPY, is this IT?

[UnsolvableRiddle]

I'm in my late 20s. When I was 15 I began to have debilitating social anxiety. I was forced to leave school my sophomore year. I was home schooled for one year and lost all in-person interaction with past friends and classmates. I was then forcefully moved with my parents to another state hundreds of miles away. I was too scared to start at a new school my senior year where nobody knew me. Despite numerous therapists and medications I never saw any improvements in my condition. I got my diploma through home schooling and then for 3 years just mostly lived in my bedroom in my parent's house, I stopped going to therapy and swore off drugs as they had no effect. I wouldn't let my parents force me to go to college. I attempted to forge the first friendships I'd had in years by talking to people online, some of which were local. I got very close with a local girl I'd talk on the phone to and online with. We eventually met but then I think she wanted me to take her to her prom and I was too scared of that so I stopped talking to her altogether and we never spoke again. I'm sure she took it as an insult, I hated to stop talking to her but when I tried to reconnect years later she wouldn't even speak to me. Honestly the relationship never would've worked anyway.

I had a girlfriend I met online and then in-person a couple years after the previous girl. She lived far away and I only got to visit her once. I was in my early 20s then, still not working and out of school, and still with no friends so I lied about some things out of shame, eventually I came clean but the relationship went to honeysuckle and I lost her. I went into what may have been the worst depression of my life cause she was also my friend and I thought she was my one shot at a normal life and becoming an adult and getting oiut of my parent's house. About a year later I found someone else, another girl I met online that lived far away. Except this time I was honest and she had a lot in common with me. We met and have been physically together nearly 6 years now.

My dad died early on in our relationship, we had had our serious issues, he'd been sick for a long time, but it was all quite sudden in a way. I finally got a job within about a year of that happening. Awhile after that I finally got my license and have been driving for years. I still work at the same place, it's a very low-wage non-prestigious job. A couple years into working I was able to save and get my own place for me and my girlfriend. Unresolved issues related to my dad, no closure, didn't get to say goodbye, missed the funeral. My only real family I see is my mom who lives close but I see her once a week usually, she's very busy even though she's retired.

I've mostly avoided the rest of my family which lives far away, I feel estranged and alienated, while my jerk older brother is beloved by them, he's not really a brother, he doesn't care about me or care if we even talk, I think. He's getting married in the fall and I'm not even sure I'll go. Despite being a serial cheater and what I believe to be an immoral person and poor brother to me, he's had dozens of girlfriends since he was a young teenager so this has always distorted my views on how my life should've been, and makes me jealous of the attention he has gotten.

For years and years I yearned for the companionship of a girlfriend, and for the first 2-3 years or so I was mostly happy with the relationship. But though she's wanted marriage, my gf is too much a shut-in and scared of the world. We've hardly gone out in 6 years, neither of us has any friends. She has some health problems that losing weight would help, we own a treadmill, and she does mostly nothing. Every year passes with great similarity. I don't go much of anywhere, I work my boring low paying job 5 days a week, come home, and watch TV and movies till I have to go back to work. There have been other problems in the relationship, I've had serious talks with her numerous times and no lasting or major change is ever affected. For about 2 years now I've on and off contemplated breaking up with her but am afraid it'd be a mistake as she's the only girl to ever come close to understanding me and she accepts me as I am, but I want so much more out of life and feel like sticking with her she holds me back.

So I hate my job, I question my relationship as my unemployed and addicted to her computer and the internet gf pushes for marriage, I have no real family other than a mother I see now and then. I've had people I thought were my friends long ago stop talking to me without explanation. Every attempt to reconnect with an old friend has failed, everyone I knew moved on, grew up, made new friends and built new lives for themselves and I became wholly unimportant and irrelevant to them it seems. I still have many of the same fears and social phobic thoughts I did when I was 15, I was never helped or really grew out of them. The years I spent with no friends, no job, and no license rotting away in my old bedroom in my parent's house finally got to me and I forced myself, along with help and inspiration from wanting to build a life with/for my gf, to just fight all these fears every day when I walk out the door.

I'm afraid to go back to school to get a better job. I haven't been in a class room environment since I was 15 and it is 1 of the top things that scares me. But I'm forced to deal with many strangers for work and I've just DONE it for years, so I at least have the ability to do this even if there is a storm going on in my head. I'm interested in film and acting and my brother never let me stay at his place in another state temporarily as there is a great film school near him. I tried getting a job there to get myself into the school but I haven't been able to, so I can't move back where I am from, where I would like to live. I can't study film, I don't know how to pursue an acting career.

And I haven't mentioned since about age 13 I've had uncontrollable bad facial acne that has permanently scarred my face. I spent thousands of dollars this year on laser surgery and it didn't have anywhere near the results I was hoping for. I have all kinds of self-esteem issues related to my skin, which has been very frustrating because, as I've rarely been told, I'm a good looking guy and my skin problems have always helped bring me down along with my social phobia and never having a normal teenagehood or college era.

I haven't had a single person I could say was my friend since grade school before I had to leave school. I met that one girl that wanted me to take her to prom once, had another couple outings with this guy I met on a bus, and went out once with this couple I met off the internet, I can't find anyone other than my gf who would want to spend time with me that I can relate to. Every time I think I've maybe made a friend, it falls apart, they stop talking to me, and I never get an explanation, people are so busy and uncaring and have no idea how badly I need someone else beside my gf. I haven't been single for 6 years but I feel lonely all the time.

The past 3 years of my life as I said have been so similar. I have tried to change SOMETHING, am scared to change other things (job, gf, etc), and feel a lot like I can't change ANYTHING, that I am stuck and this is all there will ever be. I mean compared to my late teens and early 20s I've come a long way and am proud of what I achieved, in some ways I've done better than I ever dreamed back then, but it's never good enough. I always compare myself to those who had normal school years, are part of an outgoing couple, have friends, and make a lot more money than I do doing things they enjoy. Sometimes I just wanna load my car up and drive to LA or NY and live out of my car if I have to, just to say I took my shot at something greater. I feel like there aren't really any solutions to my problems, there just aren't, I don't know what they are.

TL;DR version
Suffered with bad social anxiety and depression since a teenager, spent most of my teen and early 20s years in isolation in a bedroom in a place I am not from and didn't grow up in, work the same crap job for 4 years, live where I do not want to live, don't know how to pursue what I'm actually passionate about, and my gf who truly cares for me in many ways no longer satisfies me but I've never actually been on a real date with someone new (2 previous relationships were just months of online/phone talk and when we met we were already 'together') and would feel clueless about meeting someone new as I would not 'meet' someone online again, anymore...and have had no friends really since grade school. I don't drink and don't like to dance (so there goes clubs and bars), essentially as a single guy, with my social awkwardness and inexperience, to break up with my gf is to condemn myself to being alone possibly ever if I couldn't ever change? But I know it is wrong to continue the relationship feeling this way, but I do love her...you see, only problems, no solutions.

 

[Oldyoung]

Your nickname fits your situation well.. You are in a difficult spot, where all options for change seem worse than your current situation.

I don't really have any solutions for you, but I got some ideas/thoughts while reading your post. You write very well as far as I can tell. Ever considered joining an online writer's community? Starting a blog about some issue that's important to you? Freelancing? I guess it doesn't sound too interesting, but it's nice to have a 'project' of your own.

Second thought, ever considered getting a cat or a dog?

 

[Tiina63]

1. Can you do an educational/training course via online learning so that you wouldn't have to go into a classroom situation, which would equip you with some new and useful skills?
2. You say that your present job is low wage and non prestigous. Would it be possible to move up within the company if that is what you want?
3. You have worked with the same firm for a number of years which will look good on your CV as it shows consistency if you do eventually look elsewhere for a new job.
4. Instead of running off to live permanently out of your car, could you take a short holiday on your own in your car with a tent and a sleeping bag to try and get space from your relationship so that you can really think about if maybe it is worth salvaging? You wrote that your gf isn't working. Would you prefer to be with someone who has a job? Maybe your gf would look for something if you suggested it and encouraged her gently.
5. Try not to compare yourself to others as you don't know what their inner reality is like. Their lives may look great but they could have a lot of difficulties and pain which you don't know about. They might be looking at your life and thinking that you have it together, as you have a steady job and a relationship.
6. You have your mum who you see regularly. Have you tried talking to her about how you feel? Maybe she would be supportive.

 

[UnsolvableRiddle]

Thank you both for taking the time to read and reply.

You write very well as far as I can tell. Ever considered joining an online writer's community? Starting a blog about some issue that's important to you? Freelancing? I guess it doesn't sound too interesting, but it's nice to have a 'project' of your own.
Second thought, ever considered getting a cat or a dog?

Thanks for the compliment, no I never considered joining a writing community. What writing I've done I'm generally very private about. When I was quite young I really wanted a dog, was always envious of other kids who had dogs and enjoyed the time I got to spend with them. But with having a pet like that comes great responsibility, and most of the time I feel like my plate is full, so to speak, so not really looking to take care of an animal. Also I had a family pet I knew most of my life pass away 3 years ago and it was just horrible so I'm not seeking to get attached long-term to a new animal.

1. Can you do an educational/training course via online learning so that you wouldn't have to go into a classroom situation, which would equip you with some new and useful skills?

I have thought of this, and the suggestion has been presented to me by others. I have several issues with this, which include, what is the end-game of such efforts? I have no aspirations to be anything like an accountant, mortgage broker, real estate agent, etc so I could pick up a few credits but what would be the ultimate point? Also I've developed a very shallow view of the whole getting a degree thing, at least if I were to ever deal with my local community college which is the only college within quite aways, as I've read for years that a degree isn't what it used to be especially if it's not from an elite school, and how there are so many college grads of my generation that struggle to find work or are underemployed, and have massive debt. I'd hate to waste my time as I've said as far as vocations go I'm only really passionate about acting and the film industry.

2. You say that your present job is low wage and non prestigous. Would it be possible to move up within the company if that is what you want?

I've actually already progressed. 4 years ago I started at the bottom, and as of sometime this year I've reached the #2 spot of where I'm at. I only have 1 supervisor I'm accountable to. I can't really move up from here even though I might be given the chance, because it would mean likely relocation plus A LOT more directly dealing with and managing other workers and the public and I don't think I could handle it.

3. You have worked with the same firm for a number of years which will look good on your CV as it shows consistency if you do eventually look elsewhere for a new job.

Yes, this was part of my thinking when I went twice to try for a new job in the same line of work in the other state I'm from where I could pursue my dreams, but after being interviewed I wasn't chosen and it was very discouraging as I had A LOT invested in their decision and I was optimistic when I was called back for an interview.

4. Instead of running off to live permanently out of your car, could you take a short holiday on your own in your car with a tent and a sleeping bag to try and get space from your relationship so that you can really think about if maybe it is worth salvaging? You wrote that your gf isn't working. Would you prefer to be with someone who has a job? Maybe your gf would look for something if you suggested it and encouraged her gently.

I don't know, I haven't been on what I would call a real vacation for maybe 14 years? I haven't had more than 2-3 days away from work at a time except very rarely. The whole tent thing isn't really my thing. I've lived with my gf for nearly 6 full years now, we've never been apart for more than about 48 hours so space has been difficult to get. I do miss her but then other times not. Yes I would prefer to be with someone who was working cause they would respect and appreciate more what I and other working people go through, and they would help me more financially than my gf does but would I ever have the connection and chemistry I have now, is one of the big questions that always looms. My gf has never really worked and years ago I couldn't even get her to fill in an application because she was so afraid.

5. Try not to compare yourself to others as you don't know what their inner reality is like. Their lives may look great but they could have a lot of difficulties and pain which you don't know about. They might be looking at your life and thinking that you have it together, as you have a steady job and a relationship.

This is a good point, but it's an old habit of mine I can't shake, I think I'll always compare how I'm doing to how I at least perceive others are doing. No matter what I achieve it's never good enough and can never make up for all the time I've squandered or opportunities I couldn't pursue or take advantage of.

6. You have your mum who you see regularly. Have you tried talking to her about how you feel? Maybe she would be supportive.

I've communicated things here and there. She knows I don't like my job but I'm sure she's glad I'm still working. She knows of my dissatisfaction with my gf but she couldn't really advise on that, she also knows I've never really had much in the way of relationships.

Don't know if this will get any more replies but another wrinkle is I have a very specific subset of social anxiety that apparently a doctor on the other side of the country could really help me with, except, I'd have to move, live, and work there, so just another gigantic problem. And then, it might not even work, the treatment. I'll just keep plugging away I guess. There are many issues but I was actually very vague about my past, where I'm at now is still an infinitely better place than where I once was, even if it's nowhere near where I want to be.

 

[Garbageman]

Hello UnsolvableRiddle,
Hang in there, I can't say I have any solutions for you, however I can offer you praise for being able to accomplish what you have. Being able to keep a job you don't like for as long as you have is no easy feat, especially with said issues you are burdened with. You did an excellent job explaining your situation and seem to have a gift for writing. You seem to have a good handle on knowing yourself and have identified many issues at hand, that puts you in a better position to find solutions than many others who are in denial or don't even know what their problems are. I completely understand your opposition to college. I know that it works out great for many, but going is still like a lottery, too many college educated people, not enough jobs in given fields = many people with lots of debt. Its an easy world that we as a whole have made very complicated, each generation making it more complicated for the next.

All I can think of at the moment to recommend is to find a nice place out in the woods or a field or near water you can sit and or walk and take your shoes off, socks too, and first think of all you wrote in your original post, you could even print a copy and take it with you, and then forget it all (if you take a copy with you bury it, and just feel the earth and try to just enjoy the feel of the earth beneath your feet/feet and ass, and don't think about anything. I don't know what my recommendation sounds like to you, maybe interesting, stupid, weird, fun or pointless, whatever you feel you have nothing to lose and maybe something to gain. You came from the earth maybe it will stimulate parts of your brain to help you figure things out. Or maybe I am just sleep deprived. either way its probably worth a shot. Take care.