Life Story, short and bitter

[dudeman897]

I am young but very introspective and I like to think that about certain things I'm very mature (too mature, in most situations). My emotional standing is based almost entirely on my environment and social stimulus. It feels like I have cabin fever 100% of the time.

My life story?
My first girlfriend was emotionally, psychologically, and physically abusive. I was only starting high school, but she was manipulating me into avoiding other girls entirely, while she was busy with a handful or more of other guys. After many draining break-ups, I finally officially cut it off after realizing she was cheating on me.
My second girlfriend was amazing. It was maybe 2 weeks after I had broken up with my first girlfriend. This new girl wasn't necessarily new in my life, but she could finally be in my life the way I always wanted her to be. It was puppy-love, but for me it turned into much more. We could talk for days, from Lady-Gagas varying looks to the history of the stars, which we loved to lay under. We dated for a bit more than 2 years, but I consider it less because that last bit of it was such a fast downward spiral. We both told each other that we were bisexual, so she took that as an opportunity to experiment with the same sex, gradually letting me go. By the time senior prom came around I basically paid for her to go to prom with one of her bicurious girl friends, who turned out to be a little crazy. We broke up, and I was lost for about 1 month before I distracted myself with another girl who was much too young for me, in many respects. Regardless, I fell for her. Then the same story with another girl, who I tried to initiate with but failed miserably. There was one more girl I fell for in high school before I left for college and met a guy I later mistakenly thought I had fallen for, but we became very fast and very close friends. During this change in my life (going to a community college) my most recent ex also went away to a university and decided to really live it up. Before college she was anti-drug and only semi-curious about alcohol. Not 1 month after going to college she was smoking weed at least every weekend and drinking alcohol by the fifth. Long story shorter, I disowned her for a while and then later gave her the impression we were okay, regardless of my still strong feelings for her and the strong jealousy I had toward her new "Bestest friend ever". Even though he was gay, I was still extremely jealous of the fact that she is around him 99.9% of the time. Fast forward 1 year, and I had a moment of thinking that I had broken free of her, that I was finally over her. But six months to present, here I am, with a very promising potential relationship with an awesome girl I met at college, and still feeling strongly for my most recent ex.
She's a confirmed lesbian now, but judging by how our most recent rendezvous went, she isn't staying true to her word. We were with our best friend, who is kind of caught in the middle because my ex and him were absolute best friends far before I asked her out, and after I began dating her, I became best friends with her best friend. But here we are hanging out for a very short amount of time and it was unexpected at that, but the entire time she was avoiding me.

 

[Lonely in BC]

Holy Dinah, ALL has turned into "Days of our Lives"....

LMAO

 

[MissGuided]

Hi and welcome to ALL.

 

[dudeman897]

Days of Our Lives? I've never seen the show but I didn't think my problem was THAT corny. Then again, I did post when I was still worked up about something really small, plus I didn't use a computer typing all that out, so my thumbs were tired. Sorry for the over-dramatic or petty ending to the post, I hadn't finished my point

 

[monkeysocks]

Days of Our Lives? I've never seen the show but I didn't think my problem was THAT corny. Then again, I did post when I was still worked up about something really small, plus I didn't use a computer typing all that out, so my thumbs were tired. Sorry for the over-dramatic or petty ending to the post, I hadn't finished my point

I thought it was very expertly written

 

[dudeman897]

Could I retry the introduction? I feel as if I did it wrong, but this one will be shorter and much less dramatic I promise

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Dude your fine. You were expressing yourself.
I tend to get into posting things and really get into lol.
but if you'd like to post again sure!
go ahead!

 

[dudeman897]

I just felt like I was worked up at the time I posted all of that, and I'm a strong believer in letting things organize in my brain before acting on them, so I thank you for allowing me a second attempt at my intro!

 

[dudeman897]

I may be a young one, but I take every mistake I've made as a monumental opportunity for learning. My problem is that I'm too comfortable making a certain number of my mistakes over again, regardless of learning how I could stop making them.
I'm sort of stuck, in a place I truly do not have the capability of describing. The truth is, I miss certain times in my past like people might miss a past love. Missing everything about them, as I miss everything about the worlds of my past. The environment, the people, the undeniable nostalgia of a less complicated life.
So in other words, I'm stuck in the past in a world that everyday continues to move on.
I guess since it is an intro I can further explain what I mean by being stuck in the past while the rest of the world moves on, but I feel like most people know what I mean already when I say that. But I do feel like some of it should be explained, because part of what I mean is that it was a time that the world was mine, and nothing about it would lead me to believe that it would start moving faster than I could walk upon it. I don't mean literal world domination as a power-hungry person with a dilusional sense of how the world should be, I mean it quite metaphorically. Back then I was invincible and nothing so major was affecting me in a real negative way, so I was happy with everything in my life. Ignorance truly is bliss. But as I see more and more things in this world through a set of eyes not clouded by the distraction of someone to have intimate affection for, I realize that these things affect my outlook, probably much more than they should.
To try and bring myself up again I try to distract myself with other things. Things like hobbies keep me away from it for a little while, but it never lasts that long. Keeping up my social life is also another distraction, but it's a toss-up most of the time because my social group is usually involved in a lot of drama, and I hang out with people hoping that we won't have to acknowledge our "new-world" problems, and that we can hang out as two or more friends simply hanging out back in the past. And finally the one thing that creates bridges between the real-world, my current mood, and my nostalgic past in ways I would only frustrate myself trying to explain, is music. Ambience is a gateway to the deepest parts of my mind, and I find it through self-guided trance. (Don't think I'm a believer in witchery, labeling self-trance as such is a complete misrepresentation to me). To me it is a way to revitalize myself in not only a mental way, but also in a spiritual way. It cleans my slate, so the moments following my re-entrance into the real world can be looked at with fresh eyes, which is important to me because I have some "less desirable" pasts creep up on me from time to time, and when the make their re-entrance, they stay regardless of not being invited. And if you are still reading this and wondering where you got lost in my words, don't worry about it, I lose myself in my own words all the time
I should also note that my perspectives on things can be much different than other people, and I get very excited when I meet someone who has an interest in those perspectives or even shares versions of the same perspective with me. For instance, I am pretty sure that I am a synaesthite, (having synaesthesia) and it affects the way I view nearly everything. Memories I am fond of - for their simplicity and underlying feelings of love or innocence - have a very strong corellation to colors and sensations of savory smells, tastes, and feelings of warmth, which is all typical comfort type stuff. But the less happy memories are a lot colder and darker, and it may sound odd, but I hold these very close to my heart. The way I look at it is that if you are very cold already, a little warmth can make all the difference, and if you're blind in the dark, all it takes is the spark of a flame however far away to catch your eye and you will begin to follow it. That is why I hold on to my coldest memories, and I am not sure how I can change that, because my naievity leads me to believe that there is no other way.

That's the intro I would have liked my first to be, but you're always better at it the second time, right?

 

[monkeysocks]

It sounds very similar to reaching enlightenment.

Went through something similar myself, the way I describe it was almost as if I had stared through a window to see a mountain view, (this was my perception of life) then one day I realised the mountain view was a photograph, behind it was a view not so pleasing - I wanted to go back to the days that I looked on life like the mountain.

Such is common after stressful or traumatic experiences. To go back to memories of times when life felt good.

Is that similar ?

 

[dudeman897]

Yes that's very similar, pretty much exactly how I feel about it.
Unfortunately I think that when I realized that this old view of the world had slipped through my fingers, I began absorbing the much colder view, and I hold on to it now.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hello there, welcome to the forum.