I thought I would write about how life has been going for me lately. If one word could sum up the past 6 months of my life it would be strange.
Since September I've been infiltrating a group on campus trying to make friends with them. The group is of people who like video games, anime, sci fi, d&d and anything else that can be classified as nerdy. I had tried in the past to fit in here (4 times), because of all the groups on campus it seemed to fit me best. They are not easy people to get to talk to you and what made the difference this time was perseverance, I sat through a whole bunch of awkwardly silent dinners, but just kept coming back until several weeks later they started to talk to me and things just sort of snowballed from there
To fit in better, I started playing d&d (dungeons and dragons) While the whole point of me trying it was to fit in, I started to realize that I enjoyed it and it became something that I looked forward to every week.
There were four girls who were part of the group that lived in the same building as me just down the hall and they would invite me to eat with them occasionally. There were usually other people that they knew at the commons (the place to eat on campus) and I would sit there for long times with a variety of people to cement my place in the group more and just for fun, a lot of them were fun to talk with. The conversations we had were very strange to say the least, about web comics I’d never read before, inside jokes and references to internet culture, it took me a while just to be able to understand what was being talked about lol. The problems with sitting and talking for so long though was that it was time consuming exhausting and stressful, trying to be social while trying to keep up with classes was hard. I tried to accept every invitation that was offered to me because someone once told me that if you turn people down they'll never ask again, but doing so I often replaced studying time...
After months of going by that strategy I started to feel like I fit in more, was still a ways off from being close with them but I was invited to one shots (1 time d&d games) movie premieres and other word of mouth events some of which were even off campus in their houses. Over winter break I worried that no one would remember me or invite me anywhere, but when the spring semester started my fears were alleviated. I got even more social, I took on two d&d games instead of one, joined a ghost hunting club and I ate with people almost every day, I didn't sit by myself anymore. While I wasn't lonely, I was extremely stressed out.
With a harder class schedule in the spring, I worked to the bone trying to maintain the level of socializing that I was at while not slacking on classes. I started to notice that other people weren't this exhausted while maintaining similar schedules and I was reminded of my differences what with the social anxiety, autism and whatnot. I went to counseling again to ask how I could be more normal, less anxious etc. I didn't really get any answers; they gave me some meditation relaxation stuff that helped me sleep a bit and talked about how to balance school and socializing. Around then I started noticing I had developed a lot more ocd tics trying to deal with the anxiety of being around people.
I started to cut down on socializing, as it was just wearing me out too much and I had had my fill of people to last me a long time but at the same time I didn’t want to not have anyone to talk to in the future so I still had to retain a presence in the group. Because of cutting down and the tics I didn’t get any further into the group, I basically hit a wall where getting closer to anyone just wasn’t possible
1 of the 4 girls that lived down the hall from me, stood out from everyone else. The first time I talked to her sometime back in the fall, I found her kind of annoying and we hardly said anything to each other for months and months. Somehow she got my number and she started inviting me to eat with her practically every day. Still accepting every invitation that came my way, I ate with her, there were always other people that were there or came with us so it was never just the two of us. And in this way I got to know her slowly and quickly found I liked her as a person. I have a terribly annoying way of falling for any girl that is even slightly nice to me so I quickly get uncomfortable around girls, however she was an exception. I never fell for her and never felt uncomfortable around her. I decided not to get close to her though because she was graduating in the spring, so it made no sense trying to get to know someone for such a short period of time.
As the year went on, she kept inviting me to eat with her and more and more when we ate it ended up just being the two of us. I always dread being in just a two way conversation because I’m not the most talkative person and awkward silence is always right around the corner, so I tend to force conversation even if it turns exceedingly boring, just as long as something is being said, anything to avoid awkward silence. I found out quickly though that it was exceptionally easy talking with her, conversation just flowed naturally between us, something that I’ve never had happen. We never ran out of things to talk about either, every day there was something more. Best of all, I felt no stress around her; she didn’t make me exhausted, anxious or neurotic in the slightest. Because of the cutting down I had to make decisions about who to spend time with; the group or her and more and more I chose to be around her.
Then things started to get strange. She was very short, she only came up to the bottom of my rib cage, so she stood out quite a bit. She was also very opinionated and couldn’t stand loud or rude people. More than once she would yell at people sitting around us that were being loud or rudely talking about her, something that I secretly wanted to do all the time lol. As her graduation drew closer, our one on one conversations became deeper more frequent and lengthier; sometimes we would sit and talk for three hours and still not run out of things to talk about. I remember making fun of how both of our families are racist mine towards anyone not white and hers towards white people
lol, I laughed harder than I had in years and years during that. She got me into anime more, got me started reading manga. She really expanded my horizons, I had never known someone like her before, she was the definition of bubbly and effervescent and could brighten any room just by walking into it. She would ask me about my classes and labs and how things were going for me, every day, it was really a great pick me up to have someone to talk to and laugh with after organic chem labs frequently went horribly wrong.
She had a boyfriend; he was far from campus though so only visited very rarely, I acted as a sort of substitute boyfriend in a way I think, at least on an emotional level and I was perfectly okay with that. Her boyfriend and her make a great couple and I had no intention to disrupt it. I was happy in our mutually beneficial relationship, I helped her carry things, gave her company and an ear to listen and she gave me a friend. I was never in love with her, but did love her as one friend loves another. I enjoyed the time I got to spend with her, I’ve never had such a connection with anyone ever before and it gives me hope that there are other people out there that I could form connections as deep as this. I've also vowed to act more bubbly and laugh more
She graduated and at first I was worried I’d never see her again, but she promised to visit once in a while which will be nice. We didn’t add each other on IM or anything, talking to her online just wouldn’t be the same as talking face to face. I’m glad I experienced something like this and now realize that some friendships though only situational and short, can be more fruitful than any other.
Thanks for reading, I know it was really long, but I had to say it.
Since September I've been infiltrating a group on campus trying to make friends with them. The group is of people who like video games, anime, sci fi, d&d and anything else that can be classified as nerdy. I had tried in the past to fit in here (4 times), because of all the groups on campus it seemed to fit me best. They are not easy people to get to talk to you and what made the difference this time was perseverance, I sat through a whole bunch of awkwardly silent dinners, but just kept coming back until several weeks later they started to talk to me and things just sort of snowballed from there
To fit in better, I started playing d&d (dungeons and dragons) While the whole point of me trying it was to fit in, I started to realize that I enjoyed it and it became something that I looked forward to every week.
There were four girls who were part of the group that lived in the same building as me just down the hall and they would invite me to eat with them occasionally. There were usually other people that they knew at the commons (the place to eat on campus) and I would sit there for long times with a variety of people to cement my place in the group more and just for fun, a lot of them were fun to talk with. The conversations we had were very strange to say the least, about web comics I’d never read before, inside jokes and references to internet culture, it took me a while just to be able to understand what was being talked about lol. The problems with sitting and talking for so long though was that it was time consuming exhausting and stressful, trying to be social while trying to keep up with classes was hard. I tried to accept every invitation that was offered to me because someone once told me that if you turn people down they'll never ask again, but doing so I often replaced studying time...
After months of going by that strategy I started to feel like I fit in more, was still a ways off from being close with them but I was invited to one shots (1 time d&d games) movie premieres and other word of mouth events some of which were even off campus in their houses. Over winter break I worried that no one would remember me or invite me anywhere, but when the spring semester started my fears were alleviated. I got even more social, I took on two d&d games instead of one, joined a ghost hunting club and I ate with people almost every day, I didn't sit by myself anymore. While I wasn't lonely, I was extremely stressed out.
With a harder class schedule in the spring, I worked to the bone trying to maintain the level of socializing that I was at while not slacking on classes. I started to notice that other people weren't this exhausted while maintaining similar schedules and I was reminded of my differences what with the social anxiety, autism and whatnot. I went to counseling again to ask how I could be more normal, less anxious etc. I didn't really get any answers; they gave me some meditation relaxation stuff that helped me sleep a bit and talked about how to balance school and socializing. Around then I started noticing I had developed a lot more ocd tics trying to deal with the anxiety of being around people.
I started to cut down on socializing, as it was just wearing me out too much and I had had my fill of people to last me a long time but at the same time I didn’t want to not have anyone to talk to in the future so I still had to retain a presence in the group. Because of cutting down and the tics I didn’t get any further into the group, I basically hit a wall where getting closer to anyone just wasn’t possible
1 of the 4 girls that lived down the hall from me, stood out from everyone else. The first time I talked to her sometime back in the fall, I found her kind of annoying and we hardly said anything to each other for months and months. Somehow she got my number and she started inviting me to eat with her practically every day. Still accepting every invitation that came my way, I ate with her, there were always other people that were there or came with us so it was never just the two of us. And in this way I got to know her slowly and quickly found I liked her as a person. I have a terribly annoying way of falling for any girl that is even slightly nice to me so I quickly get uncomfortable around girls, however she was an exception. I never fell for her and never felt uncomfortable around her. I decided not to get close to her though because she was graduating in the spring, so it made no sense trying to get to know someone for such a short period of time.
As the year went on, she kept inviting me to eat with her and more and more when we ate it ended up just being the two of us. I always dread being in just a two way conversation because I’m not the most talkative person and awkward silence is always right around the corner, so I tend to force conversation even if it turns exceedingly boring, just as long as something is being said, anything to avoid awkward silence. I found out quickly though that it was exceptionally easy talking with her, conversation just flowed naturally between us, something that I’ve never had happen. We never ran out of things to talk about either, every day there was something more. Best of all, I felt no stress around her; she didn’t make me exhausted, anxious or neurotic in the slightest. Because of the cutting down I had to make decisions about who to spend time with; the group or her and more and more I chose to be around her.
Then things started to get strange. She was very short, she only came up to the bottom of my rib cage, so she stood out quite a bit. She was also very opinionated and couldn’t stand loud or rude people. More than once she would yell at people sitting around us that were being loud or rudely talking about her, something that I secretly wanted to do all the time lol. As her graduation drew closer, our one on one conversations became deeper more frequent and lengthier; sometimes we would sit and talk for three hours and still not run out of things to talk about. I remember making fun of how both of our families are racist mine towards anyone not white and hers towards white people
lol, I laughed harder than I had in years and years during that. She got me into anime more, got me started reading manga. She really expanded my horizons, I had never known someone like her before, she was the definition of bubbly and effervescent and could brighten any room just by walking into it. She would ask me about my classes and labs and how things were going for me, every day, it was really a great pick me up to have someone to talk to and laugh with after organic chem labs frequently went horribly wrong.She had a boyfriend; he was far from campus though so only visited very rarely, I acted as a sort of substitute boyfriend in a way I think, at least on an emotional level and I was perfectly okay with that. Her boyfriend and her make a great couple and I had no intention to disrupt it. I was happy in our mutually beneficial relationship, I helped her carry things, gave her company and an ear to listen and she gave me a friend. I was never in love with her, but did love her as one friend loves another. I enjoyed the time I got to spend with her, I’ve never had such a connection with anyone ever before and it gives me hope that there are other people out there that I could form connections as deep as this. I've also vowed to act more bubbly and laugh more
She graduated and at first I was worried I’d never see her again, but she promised to visit once in a while which will be nice. We didn’t add each other on IM or anything, talking to her online just wouldn’t be the same as talking face to face. I’m glad I experienced something like this and now realize that some friendships though only situational and short, can be more fruitful than any other.
Thanks for reading, I know it was really long, but I had to say it.
