Hello everybody, I would like to share my testimony in the hope of maybe helping people struggling with depression.
If my experience could help a single person in any way, I believe it would be worth it.
At the age of 15 years old, I starting asking myself very deep question about our natural world, about the perspective humans have on life, about theology, about what is a good life, about the point of life.
This process has lead me in a downward spiral as I found myself drowning in nihilism. I slowly started losing myself, always questioning my own thoughts and my own motives. My own mind became alien to me.
I lost my drive, my personality and my will to live.
I lived 13 years in the dark, bouncing from deep state of depression where I would spend weeks alone in the dark having literally zero social life to a more passive kind of depression where I would be able to hold a job for a few weeks or a few months. I couldnt see or picture myself far in the future because I couldnt believe that this far future would ever come. I had no hope, no motive to believe in any hope... I was drowning in my own emotions.
I was abusing drugs, I was an addict, I didnt value my own health, I would harm my body to take away the mental pain I was in by transposing it to physical pain. I felt like an empty shell of my former being. I had no social life, no self esteem or value, lack of personal hygiene and no care to what I was eating or didnt eat.
I had no reason to believe things could get better, that idea never crossed my mind, it was inevitable to me that I would spend my entire life in this mode that was actual torture.
Imagine waking up, the first think that would come to mind would be the idea of suicide. Every. Single. Time... For years, I would wake up and ask myself if this would be my last day. I would fantasies about killing myself and delivering myself from this pain, a pain that is invisible to the naked eye but a kind of pain that I wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy. I believe that was my forever state of being.
Fast forward over a decade later...
There wasnt a single catalyst or beginning, it was the result of many small incremental changes that added up, just like the constant push of waves upon the shore sculpting a beach... It was small changes in the way I lived and the way I was thinking that got me out of it. I started by detaching myself from the things I knew were bad for me.
There is a saying : If you cant run, walk and if you cant walk, crawl.
I did crawl slowly for a long time before being able to get out of this state of mind, it was not easy but it is possible. It is possible to be able to not feel this total despair anymore.
It is possible to look at the green foliage of trees blending with the blue clear sky and just seeing and feeling the wonder of this life as the wind brushes on my skin.
I dont say all this to get credit or value, its only to demonstrate that its possible to find a new life. Its possible to experience joy and wonder again. Its possible to be born again from the ashes.
Im not a religious person, I dont believe anyone is coming to save us, we save ourselves.
My message is to tell you, if you are feeling depressed, feeling like life is simply not worth living, feeling like life is torture....
Do not give up. Fight, every day, every hour, every minute and every second.
You will come out of this stronger than you could ever imagine and one day you will look back behind you and realize how strong you were for battling this invisible demon that is plaguing our society.
Its a battle between ourselves, no medal or honor is as gratifying as knowing that we won over those demons...
Only you can get yourself out of this, but to get out of hell you have to be ready to walk out of hell. It is possible and I believe everyone has what it takes to do it.
Thank you, hope someone finds this helpful.
If my experience could help a single person in any way, I believe it would be worth it.
At the age of 15 years old, I starting asking myself very deep question about our natural world, about the perspective humans have on life, about theology, about what is a good life, about the point of life.
This process has lead me in a downward spiral as I found myself drowning in nihilism. I slowly started losing myself, always questioning my own thoughts and my own motives. My own mind became alien to me.
I lost my drive, my personality and my will to live.
I lived 13 years in the dark, bouncing from deep state of depression where I would spend weeks alone in the dark having literally zero social life to a more passive kind of depression where I would be able to hold a job for a few weeks or a few months. I couldnt see or picture myself far in the future because I couldnt believe that this far future would ever come. I had no hope, no motive to believe in any hope... I was drowning in my own emotions.
I was abusing drugs, I was an addict, I didnt value my own health, I would harm my body to take away the mental pain I was in by transposing it to physical pain. I felt like an empty shell of my former being. I had no social life, no self esteem or value, lack of personal hygiene and no care to what I was eating or didnt eat.
I had no reason to believe things could get better, that idea never crossed my mind, it was inevitable to me that I would spend my entire life in this mode that was actual torture.
Imagine waking up, the first think that would come to mind would be the idea of suicide. Every. Single. Time... For years, I would wake up and ask myself if this would be my last day. I would fantasies about killing myself and delivering myself from this pain, a pain that is invisible to the naked eye but a kind of pain that I wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy. I believe that was my forever state of being.
Fast forward over a decade later...
There wasnt a single catalyst or beginning, it was the result of many small incremental changes that added up, just like the constant push of waves upon the shore sculpting a beach... It was small changes in the way I lived and the way I was thinking that got me out of it. I started by detaching myself from the things I knew were bad for me.
There is a saying : If you cant run, walk and if you cant walk, crawl.
I did crawl slowly for a long time before being able to get out of this state of mind, it was not easy but it is possible. It is possible to be able to not feel this total despair anymore.
It is possible to look at the green foliage of trees blending with the blue clear sky and just seeing and feeling the wonder of this life as the wind brushes on my skin.
I dont say all this to get credit or value, its only to demonstrate that its possible to find a new life. Its possible to experience joy and wonder again. Its possible to be born again from the ashes.
Im not a religious person, I dont believe anyone is coming to save us, we save ourselves.
My message is to tell you, if you are feeling depressed, feeling like life is simply not worth living, feeling like life is torture....
Do not give up. Fight, every day, every hour, every minute and every second.
You will come out of this stronger than you could ever imagine and one day you will look back behind you and realize how strong you were for battling this invisible demon that is plaguing our society.
Its a battle between ourselves, no medal or honor is as gratifying as knowing that we won over those demons...
Only you can get yourself out of this, but to get out of hell you have to be ready to walk out of hell. It is possible and I believe everyone has what it takes to do it.
Thank you, hope someone finds this helpful.
