Lonely by choice, and hating it..

[xephier102]

The psychology behind many of our loneliness's, is quite fundamentally screwed up, and downright contradictory in some cases.

I've spent years in pain because no one see's value in me as a person. And yet, whenever I consider a situation in which I could realistically connect with people, Like in an online game, I'm..

It makes no logical sense, but I just can't bring myself to do it.. Like, it's my choice, but it's not my choice.. Yakno..?

I know I've stated my case elsewhere about 'not giving a ****', but that only seems to apply in cases in which I have no choice but to be around other people, but when given a choice, my fight or flight goes into high gear, and flight is generally the prioritized option..

I think that's why I spend so much time talking online in public forums, social media, YouTube .etc. Like, in hopes that someone will eventually 'see' me, and attach themselves to me. But the thought attempting to insert myself into someone elses life, is just unbearable to me..

It's like, I just want someone to like me for me, and not because they feel bad for me, or feel obligated because I engaged them or w,e..

I've just had too many people lie to me and humor me, or just be straight up offensive to me and/or use me.. So yea.. a part of me doesn't want people around at all (the 'nurture' part I suppose..). But my nature can't bear the solitude..

I wake up every day, wondering why I woke up at all.. I drone through each day, one after the next, each like the last.. I've got that pit in my throat from when one feels sad, but it's there all the time and almost makes it hard to breathe (Like I can do fine manually, but I've just got no internal drive to do so..)..

On the lighter side, I get a few perked up points in my day, usually after meals when I've taken my Dextroamphetamine. Honestly, if it wasn't for that medication, idk what horrid state of mind I'd be in by now..

Honestly that's why I have such a fear of internet censorship.. It's gonna come to a point in which the real me, is never heard by anyone at all..

 

[TheRealCallie]

Have you considered church? Most of us here are diehards, maybe that's what you need.

Lol, just kidding.
I don't think it's about whether or not you can be "the real you.". It's more about finding the circle of people you can let loose with and be 100% you.
We all have to filter ourselves in certain aspects of our lives. I certainly don't go to my school board meeting saying **** this and **** that, it's not appropriate there. But when I'm home or with friends/family, I can be myself.

 

[xephier102]

Lol, just kidding.

LOL... You actually had me there..

Yea, you're alright, lol..

I read that line while half asleep in bed, and then got up to go to my computer to write out the kind of expansive reply that would typically follow such a message, XD.

I certainly don't go to my school board meeting saying **** this and **** that, it's not appropriate there.

Little different at work though, there'll always be personal, and professional versions of ourselves, but when at home, relaxing on the internet, we should not feel the need to be the 'professional' versions of ourselves (or be forced to due to corporate censorship..).

And besides, Like I said, what FB is doing is just the start.. I've seen this coming for a while. and once people become completely desensitized to the current level of censorship, they'll completely remove the ability to speak about politics; likely under some 'anti-terrorism initiative' or some such politically motivated ********..

And when you slim down what people are allowed to talk about and how they're allowed to talk about things, you remove them from the equation.. At that point we're all a bunch of generic friendly nice-bots that only talk about, and agree on popular opinion. Good luck meeting people on the internet when everyone looks like an exact fukin copy of everyone else..

It's hard enough to read people through text, nvm when they have to (are forced to) hold back 90+% of everything they actually want to say.. You women think it's dangerous to meet a guy online now.. Try when every guy looks exactly the same in personality because they aren't allowed to be themselves..

Facebook shoulda just rebranded themselves "Fakebook"..

 

[xephier102]

And the more that I say, the less people respond.. Is there only actually 10 people on this entire site..?

 

[ardour]

Your post didn't really invite comment.

I wouldn't bring up or discuss half the things I do here with the few friends/acquaintances in real life, thus I can't really be myself either. However this would be normal for everyone to some extent. I'll take whatever scraps of meaningful friendship are available, even if that means not being open with opinion or saying I think every time I'm tempted.

 

[user 139760]

And the more that I say, the less people respond.. Is there only actually 10 people on this entire site..?

Sometimes it's more active, sometimes it isn't.
Honestly, I read a lot but don't comment everything, specially when something either mirrors my own opinion or it gets mentionned somewhere in there.
But since you asked, here's another person lol.
I'm disappointed you won't join our church. We have really nice cookouts and public bible readings. I plan on crucifying myself next week
I kind of get what you're saying up there initially. Know what I did? It's kind of really stupid. I went and put myself on a dating website. Naturally, it wasn't a "normal" profile, more like a mini novel lol. And I met someone, we've been talking. Because I felt lonely, but at the same time...I don't know, it's a bit weird and probably my fault. But we moved off of the thing and we're doing phone more than anything, because the whole internet thing feels fake. Because like you, i'm alone by choice, but not by choice. You know, it's effed up lol. But at some point, you just jump in the maelstrom and hope a 50 foot pole doesnt smack you in the face.
Also, you know the tips everyone gives you on how to approach people, what not to say, blabla...I just tossed her the hardest, sadest parts of my life right off the bat lol. I've been brutally honest. Figured if she ran away, at least I'd have tried, you know.
Well, she's still there. Now all I have to deal with is hoping I dont hurt myself, or her, in the process. But I, like you, have refused to censor myself so far. It's refreshing and, unlike what I expected, appreciated.

 

[Sazzy95]

New here so don't really know what to say other than what you said hit me hard, i get it. I'm constantly battling with my mind, I want to be something to people but I can't get myself there through, mostly fear, like right now, writing this I'm thinking of deleting it all and sacking this whole thing off until it eats away at me and I try find another way to reach out. Im hoping if I push through and press post that I'm starting something good.

 

[Finished]

I was just remember a couple decades ago. If I wanted to I could have married two women at two different times. Both times my little voice told me not to marry them. Both had major problems years later. I'm SO glad I avoided all the problems and drama. Being hooked up with the wrong person for you is way worse then being alone / loney.

 

[xephier102]

Your post didn't really invite comment.

I wouldn't bring up or discuss half the things I do here with the few friends/acquaintances in real life, thus I can't really be myself either. However this would be normal for everyone to some extent. I'll take whatever scraps of meaningful friendship are available, even if that means not being open with opinion or saying I think every time I'm tempted.

I've honestly found myself uncomfortable around people that I can't express myself around.. like, claustraphobic in a sense..

Constantly having to reel myself in, and hold myself back. I've got too much internal energy for that ****..

Just too bad that it took the entire world being locked down for years, and me being stuck in a tiny town with no way out, to figure that out.

Though if I hadn't moved here from Toronto, I may not have learned all that I did..

 

[xephier102]

Sometimes it's more active, sometimes it isn't.
Honestly, I read a lot but don't comment everything, specially when something either mirrors my own opinion or it gets mentionned somewhere in there.
But since you asked, here's another person lol.
I'm disappointed you won't join our church. We have really nice cookouts and public bible readings. I plan on crucifying myself next week
I kind of get what you're saying up there initially. Know what I did? It's kind of really stupid. I went and put myself on a dating website. Naturally, it wasn't a "normal" profile, more like a mini novel lol. And I met someone, we've been talking. Because I felt lonely, but at the same time...I don't know, it's a bit weird and probably my fault. But we moved off of the thing and we're doing phone more than anything, because the whole internet thing feels fake. Because like you, i'm alone by choice, but not by choice. You know, it's effed up lol. But at some point, you just jump in the maelstrom and hope a 50 foot pole doesnt smack you in the face.
Also, you know the tips everyone gives you on how to approach people, what not to say, blabla...I just tossed her the hardest, sadest parts of my life right off the bat lol. I've been brutally honest. Figured if she ran away, at least I'd have tried, you know.
Well, she's still there. Now all I have to deal with is hoping I dont hurt myself, or her, in the process. But I, like you, have refused to censor myself so far. It's refreshing and, unlike what I expected, appreciated.

I can give you a bit of advice in that, since I just fell into a similar situation before being ghosted. Don't allow your insecurities to take over. Be yourself, but reel yourself in just enough to not lose her in the process.

It's fine to tell her the bullet points of your shortcomings, but don't add too much emphasis or details. If you want to keep her interested, you have to keep on with what got her hooked in the first place.

And if she says she'll never ghost you, she's lying. They all will. So don't push your luck on that.

At least you're talking though. Mine had some clinical paranoia thing, hence why I've never been 100% sure if it was me or her that ****** up. Or if she ever really cared, or was just batshit crazy.. either way, it's on her for not communicating.

But i mean talking on the phone. She was too paranoid for that..

As for my comment that inspired your reply. I just kinda found that it's always been mostly the same several people that reply to my posts. It's kinda weird since, arent there like, thousands of people on this site?

 

[xephier102]

New here so don't really know what to say other than what you said hit me hard, i get it. I'm constantly battling with my mind, I want to be something to people but I can't get myself there through, mostly fear, like right now, writing this I'm thinking of deleting it all and sacking this whole thing off until it eats away at me and I try find another way to reach out. Im hoping if I push through and press post that I'm starting something good.

All good things start with a single step. So, that said, what's your story?

 

[xephier102]

I was just remember a couple decades ago. If I wanted to I could have married two women at two different times. Both times my little voice told me not to marry them. Both had major problems years later. I'm SO glad I avoided all the problems and drama. Being hooked up with the wrong person for you is way worse then being alone / loney.

That can be true, but depending on what those problems were, I wonder if they may not have had those problems if things had worked out with you? Love in one's life can make a big difference.

 

[LaoDing]

Not lonely by choice- just an unlikeable person. Or weird. I don't belong here...

 

[xephier102]

Not lonely by choice- just an unlikeable person. Or weird. I don't belong here...

I bet a lot of people here would agree with feeling that way. In large part it can seem true, due to all the precious snowflakes of the world, and judgemental pricks driven by vanity. As long as you're not going around being a deliberate A-hole, then the problem is likely with everyone else, and not you. People like to point at the individual, and blame them, but what can the individual do in such a situation, when no one wants to listen, or even cares?

 

[Adamridge79]

You write alot..but, I can see how you when you put yourself out there, and the responses aren't super quick, which you really hope for, it seems discouraging. I don't go off on long spiels, but I try my best to respond to even the most general responses.

 

[user15010]

.

 

[LaoDing]

I bet a lot of people here would agree with feeling that way. In large part it can seem true, due to all the precious snowflakes of the world, and judgemental pricks driven by vanity. As long as you're not going around being a deliberate A-hole, then the problem is likely with everyone else, and not you. People like to point at the individual, and blame them, but what can the individual do in such a situation, when no one wants to listen, or even cares?

Thanks. That's quite good.

 

[xephier102]

You write alot..but, I can see how you when you put yourself out there, and the responses aren't super quick, which you really hope for, it seems discouraging. I don't go off on long spiels, but I try my best to respond to even the most general responses.

I personally prefer quality over quantity. Quick responses are nice, but I've gotten plenty of quick responses that added up to nothing. It mostly annoys me when someone takes forever to respond, then contributes nothing.

 

[xephier102]

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Ya don't say?!