Lonely in my marriage

[Lonelycaliguy28]

Hi, this is my first post on this forum and I was wondering if there was someone else feeling like I do. I’ve been married to my wife for 11 years, we have no kids and we live more like roommates. There’s little to no affection, no intimacy or romance for at least 3-4 years. I feel very lonely, I miss having someone sweet and affectionate to be there for me. I miss intimacy, closeness, the romantic gestures. Unfortunately divorce is not an option because of a legal matter. I wish I had a friend that maybe was on the same situation and was close to me or at least we could have a special friendship where we could make each other happy and fill our lives with love again. I’m 42 live in California.

 

[Minus]

I am sure there are a lot of people who feel like you do. If you are talking about running around on your wife, I don't believe that is the answer.

Welcome.

 

[JJW]

If you are talking about running around on your wife, I don't believe that is the answer.

I'll agree with this. Isn't an affair actually cheating on two people?

My wife and I drifted apart decades ago. She will never see it, but she is a selfish person that can't compromise at all. We live as roommates only because I've learned to submit. My other option is to suppress her. That's just not me.

I must have faked affection for a dozen years. These last dozen I've not tried. She has her side of the house and I have mine. We discussed divorce, but I needed her health insurance, and together there are tax breaks. It's not like I have anywhere to go. I can be lonely alone or I can be lonely together. Together is cheaper.

With us it's just a matter of no more love. We don't hate each other and we don't fight. If one or the other of us has a reason to divorce then okay. It's a not a hard choice. But in the meanwhile I don't see the point in paying a lawyer to cancel a contract that neither of us put any stock into. Isn't that what marriage is? A contract? And aren't contracts between two people so one can control the other? Doesn't that sort of indicate a lack of trust?

When I go I'll just go. There is no law saying married people have to live together.

 

[getfuzzy]

Hi, this is my first post on this forum and I was wondering if there was someone else feeling like I do. I’ve been married to my wife for 11 years, we have no kids and we live more like roommates. There’s little to no affection, no intimacy or romance for at least 3-4 years. I feel very lonely, I miss having someone sweet and affectionate to be there for me. I miss intimacy, closeness, the romantic gestures. Unfortunately divorce is not an option because of a legal matter. I wish I had a friend that maybe was on the same situation and was close to me or at least we could have a special friendship where we could make each other happy and fill our lives with love again. I’m 42 live in California.

I share your same experiences in my loveless marriage. It's been a lonely existence. Having a close friend to support all of these years would have certainly helped.

 

[Arrival]

I'll agree with this. Isn't an affair actually cheating on two people?

My wife and I drifted apart decades ago. She will never see it, but she is a selfish person that can't compromise at all. We live as roommates only because I've learned to submit. My other option is to suppress her. That's just not me.

I must have faked affection for a dozen years. These last dozen I've not tried. She has her side of the house and I have mine. We discussed divorce, but I needed her health insurance, and together there are tax breaks. It's not like I have anywhere to go. I can be lonely alone or I can be lonely together. Together is cheaper.

With us it's just a matter of no more love. We don't hate each other and we don't fight. If one or the other of us has a reason to divorce then okay. It's a not a hard choice. But in the meanwhile I don't see the point in paying a lawyer to cancel a contract that neither of us put any stock into. Isn't that what marriage is? A contract? And aren't contracts between two people so one can control the other? Doesn't that sort of indicate a lack of trust?

When I go I'll just go. There is no law saying married people have to live together.

I know exactly what you’re talking about. Your life has some remarkable similarities to mine so know you’re not alone. A hard part for me is that I’m the bread winner and have to work very hard every day. It’s a depressing and lonely feeling when you’re doing it for someone who doesn’t care. It would be so incredible to come home to someone who appreciated me and was willing to show it. I don’t think my wife could handle being appreciative. She’d find it humiliating or embarrassing. Biggest problem for me is we have 2 kids and both of us are devoted parents. I’ve worked it a million ways in my mind and come to the conclusion it’s better to suffer in silence. But jeez it would be wonderful to not feel so alone.

 

[ewomack]

Yes, the paradox of feeling lonely while not being alone afflicts a lot of people. I've felt it at parties, in moments of intimacy and sometimes I feel the least alone when I'm completely alone. But being stuck in a marriage that lacks not only intimacy but, more importantly, shared respect, sounds like a horror story.

My first wife had no respect for me, she was also unwilling to compromise on anything, she wouldn't even try to communicate her wants or needs and would then complain when I didn't meet them. I gradually lost all affection and attraction for her and thankfully she did me a huge favor by calling it off before I did. I soon found out that she had been seeing someone else and she married him within 2-3 months of our divorce. By her calling it off I was able to just walk away. Had I called it off I think it would have initiated a war, despite the fact that she was sleeping around pretty fervently by then. The double standards were pretty impressive. Such people are best out of your life as quickly as possible. Relationships can last without excessive intimacy, but they really can't last without mutual self-respect. That's when a relationship becomes an anti-relationship.

 

[A beautiful soul]

I share your same experiences in my loveless marriage. It's been a lonely existence. Having a close friend to support all of these years would have certainly helped.

I know the feeling. I have been married many years and I worked alot to keep us going and my husband choose to go to pirn and now is talking to other women on the internet and look at disgusting pics. I am always here and he pays no attention to me. When I caught him talking to another woman it was on our anniversary. I was devastated, heartbroken and I put him out back in our small camper. He hasn't stopped so I just leave him alone and just stay lonely. If you just need a friend I am here.

 

[dan27]

Why be in such a prison ?
It's high time to leave....for another continent...

 

[dan27]

 

[Claudia1794]

I’m sure some people will disagree with this but there are alternatives. Obviously I can only speak from experience but I was in a relationship that fizzled out. If both are open minded then open relationships can help bring back some fire. The flip side to that is you realize the relationship is over. Either way you get results. Trying something is always better than giving up. It worked for us until it didn’t. For me the most important thing in any relationship is brutal honesty. So it may hurt, the truth usually does, but like love pain will fade.

 

[fruitbug]

Friendship/support in another is fine, but emotionally invested isn't. Is there a reason why you guys drifted apart? Do you want to reconcile and be close again?

It's better to try to fix it - do what made you guys fall in love with each other again - than to live with someone who just makes you lonely. Better be alone than to feel that way with someone else.

 

[Lonelycaliguy28]

I know the feeling. I have been married many years and I worked alot to keep us going and my husband choose to go to pirn and now is talking to other women on the internet and look at disgusting pics. I am always here and he pays no attention to me. When I caught him talking to another woman it was on our anniversary. I was devastated, heartbroken and I put him out back in our small camper. He hasn't stopped so I just leave him alone and just stay lonely. If you just need a friend I am here.

Thank you, you sound very sweet

 

[Puppykat56]

Welcome, Lonelycaliguy28. I want to write something profound and meaningful to help you, but it’s 2:44 a.m. and nothing great is going on in my brain. I’ve written a response three times - this is #4 - and it keeps sounding like a lecture. Birds of pain flock together so here we are. Just please be kind to your SO, no matter what you are seeking to find. I had a similar experience to A Beautiful Soul and that kind of disrespect, even in a loveless marriage, still hurts. I wish you well and hope you find comfort.