Lost in the abyss

[Leapfrog00]

Hey there, I'm not sure if I posted this in the right category. This past year has been one nightmare after another. It all started when I started having dreams of the end of the world. I'd find myself jumping across rocks with lava everywhere. Even though I didn't touch the lava, I could feel the immense heat burning my skin. These dreams were vivid, but I knew it was more than a bad feeling. A few months ago I was diagnosed with diabetes. A couple of months later, my narcissistic aunt was so abusive, it wasn't safe for me there. After that, I was homeless for a while. Yes, I am an adult, but I wasn't able to afford to live on my own. I managed to find an apartment. Where I live, if you keep your car parked on the street for more than a day, they tow it. My car was towed, so I can't drive anymore.

I can't work anymore because my health got so bad, but I doubt I qualify for disability because it seems like they only give that to stupid people who are too lazy to work. My asthma acts up all hours of the day and when that's not bothering me, my blood sugar drops or gets too high. I'm grateful I have a place to sleep, but it's not exactly great living conditions. There are cockroaches that crawl across the floor, up the walls, and come out of the walls all day. I can't keep much food around because of the cockroaches, and then my sugar drops because I'm not eating right. I have no appetite, so it drops anyway. I can't afford a bed, and even if charity gave me one, I don't have a way of getting it here, so I sleep on the floor. After I left my house, my aunt went into a nursing home and her cousin wouldn't let me in to get my things, so she took most of my belongings, including my yorkie. The only possessions I have left in the world are this laptop, a few clothes, and a suitcase on wheels.

I'm a writer and I write to pass time. I've written 5 books since I've been on my own, but my anxiety is so bad, plus I feel like a failure, and in this case, I'm most likely one. I have no family and no friends. My social anxiety prevents me from talking to anybody. People terrify me. Most of my friends left me because they were either using me or I wasn't good enough for them. I try not to bathe in self-pity. Today, I don't know why it was today, but today I realized how much of a loser I am. I'm sorry, I don't know why I wrote here. I guess I wanted to share my story. My aunt used to say I was a loser, and no one liked me. I'm starting to think she's right. She told me I'd end up with nothing and nobody, and she was right. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
A lost soul

 

[TheRealCallie]

Sorry you're having such a hard time.
Getting disability is actually kind of difficult. How many times were you denied? They nearly always deny people the first time. Probably a way to weed out those who don' want the hassle of going through it. Unless you have a clear cut, no nonsense reason you can't work, you don't get it on the first try. You basically have to have all the evidence to show them that you can't work. All your doctor visits, your meds, diagnoses....everything. Honestly, unless you have a million things that no one could deny that you can't work, I would recommend consulting a lawyer that deals with that for people. They would be able to tell you your chances of getting it and doing all the appeal crap for you.

Aside from that, if you're a writer, why not do some freelance work online? There are a lot of companies out there that hire remote workers.

You aren't a loser, you're just stuck and can't seem to find your way. Keep trying, you'll get there.

 

[Leapfrog00]

Sorry you're having such a hard time.
Getting disability is actually kind of difficult. How many times were you denied? They nearly always deny people the first time. Probably a way to weed out those who don' want the hassle of going through it. Unless you have a clear cut, no nonsense reason you can't work, you don't get it on the first try. You basically have to have all the evidence to show them that you can't work. All your doctor visits, your meds, diagnoses....everything. Honestly, unless you have a million things that no one could deny that you can't work, I would recommend consulting a lawyer that deals with that for people. They would be able to tell you your chances of getting it and doing all the appeal crap for you.

Aside from that, if you're a writer, why not do some freelance work online? There are a lot of companies out there that hire remote workers.

You aren't a loser, you're just stuck and can't seem to find your way. Keep trying, you'll get there.

Hey, thanks for replying. I would like to publish one of my completed novels. I found some websites where you can submit stories. I just don't know if my novels or even short stories would ever be interesting or good enough. One of the problems I had with diabetes is, I have other health issues that caused problems for diabetes. One thing I left out is when I was diagnosed, my blood sugar was 1,462. I don't think many people believe me when I tell them that, so I usually leave that detail out. With it being that high though, it caused a lot of problems. I take insulin 6 times a day. I'm having so many problems maintaining it because its hard work. Its around the clock commitment. I'm tired all the time. My doctor told me I have obstructive sleep apnea on top of it. My lung doctor told me I have some condition where my lungs don't expand. I'm always using my rescue inhaler, so that don't surprise me. Anyway, yeah, it sucks. Thanks for replying back though. Anymore, I feel lost.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Well, there's really only one way to find out if they are good enough. Someone else would have to read them. Take a chance and see what happens. Wow, that's a lot of insulin. I would think if you have documentation of all that a lawyer would be able to help you get disability. Use the ones that don't get paid unless you win. Yes, they will take a portion of what you get to pay it off, but it would still be helpful and a win.
And hopefully you'll be able to get the diabetes under control a little more. Is there any hope of getting your lungs to expand properly?

 

[constant stranger]

If you're not eating right like you say, Leapfrog00, that alone is a major setback for anyone and for a diabetic it's life threatening. I'd encourage you to improve in that area as much as you're able to and as soon as possible.
The cockroaches? That is absolutely unacceptable. Ask or otherwise induce the building owner or manager to supply you with some measures of pest control.....there are traps and baited insecticides available to the general public. Or get them on your own.....take some stewardship of where you're living.
And I'd also encourage you to get your car returned as well. I doubt that the impound facility is keeping its battery charged up and the longer it sits there the less easy it's going to be to just start it up and drive away after you pay them the fee they want. In America, a person without car transportation is disadvantaged in so many ways.
I'm thinking about practical, logistical things here Leapfrog00.....
Do you get any exercise? If not, do some......like a few squats, pushups, torso stretches and twists....every day.

And Callie's counsel on pursuing disability benefits is very good.......call up an attorney's practice and ask if they'll take your case for a percentage, then keep calling until you find one who'll do it. They're out there and you'll find one who'll be your advocate and who knows how to deal with the system.

Also, if you haven't already, look up the probable....no, the certain outcomes of untreated or improperly treated diabetes. You've got problems now.....imagine all of them combined with kidney failure or amputated legs. Yeah, let that image sink in.
I say that because I'd like it for you to flourish and thrive and become a successful, published author.

 

[Intrama]

I'm sorry that you suffer so. I definitely understand the abyss.. it's trying to actively devour us, but once you are locked on it's incredibly hard to break free.