Lost

[Tacitus]

Hello everyone, first post! I only wish it was a better one
I currently live with a controlling parent, I am in my mid twenties and I really don’t know what to do. I just recently graduated college and have some ideas of how to proceed but its more about what to do with my life. Once my father died things changed, when I was very young me and my siblings were not abused by any means, but the way we were raised was more like training staff that raising children. We always have to ask WAAAY ahead of time to do anything outside the house and even though two of us are in our twenties it just doesn’t ever seem to change. Many of you are wondering “why don’t you just leave” well I have a younger sibling that honestly I don’t think should have to be left behind. Up until recently I didn’t care, I painted models, watched a lot of TV, worked, and simply lived in a bubble. Its not really a fear thing with my mother, but more like Jenga where you have to work very carefully to pull out each block or the whole thing comes crashing down. Having each and every fight is simply not a good enough trade off for doing some things, so we stay home and everything is quiet. I don’t consider her a bad person, merely someone who was broken from a heavy loss and didn’t ever really recover, I just wish she could learn to be a better person who doesn’t need the whole family around to function. That is essentially the problem with her, all of her fun emanates from all of us being together. Sigh* sounds like fun doesn’t it.
As I said above I just graduated college that alone has been an emotional experience as it is with anyone leaving an institution they have attended for years. However starting around mid semester someone entered my life and has since altered everything. I met someone in one of my classes and initially it did not seem like anything more than the typical classroom acquaintance. She was behind in a certain class and I slowly started to make it to campus more and more, which was not easy let me tell you. I commuted to and from campus for about an hour, hour and a half each day. So typically I wouldn’t be on campus other than to go to class or pick something up. I started making more and more time to meet with her to have lunch, work in the library, and a lot of stuff like that. We got along great it never felt like I was being “used” as I am a bit on the nerdy side and people sometimes attempt to take advantage of my generous nature. As you might have guessed from my intro I haven’t gotten a lot of attention from women due to my inability to really have a social life. I was so happy that a beautiful girl was actually interested in being around me. Of course I always had the little voice in the back of my head warning that she was only interested in my academic skills. Nonetheless I continued to lie and spend as much time on campus with her as possible. Nothing ever happened between us, she had some personal issues which I personally decided would be inappropriate on my part to try and start anything. She didn’t ever flat out say “I’m not dating now” or anything like that but it was a decision I came to after hearing bits and pieces of things that had happened recently in her life.
So now we enter graduation, I was invited to her grad party and was more than excited to be included in something, especially since school was over. I am not one for clubs or anything like that but for her I was willing to do anything. Just have to say this feels really weird typing as I sit here the morning after lol. Also on a side not my mother did not know it was her part but a friend of a friends. Anyway before the party there was a fight, huge scene, mostly yelling and arguing about me going out its the biggest fight I can remember. Long story short guess who is downstairs completely ignoring me as if I am nonexistent, if you guessed mother your correct!! I didn’t care at the time the girl was worth it. As if I didn’t feel bad enough from that episode before I left the girl of interest kinda ignored me the entire night, as if I was one of those guys who is an extra just to stand around and smiles. I am currently numb on the inside, from everything I learned about her over the past months I had thought we got along great a real good match. I was planning on making some sort of move, but nothing ever came of it. This has to be the worst I have ever felt in my life, to realize that someone you adore and would be with in an instant doesn’t really think of you that way. Now I’m not positive about her feelings as I never got a moment alone but I do believe that I understood from her actions a lack of interest. She has no idea about my family dynamic just in case anyone might be wondering, I never subjected her to that I always met her on campus. I don’t really know how to proceed, she has been on my mind for months, my family is in turmoil so I can’t even take time to relax and recover. I feel like maybe I don’t get to have a special someone to come home to every day, maybe I am just one of those people that goes through life alone. Yes I know everyone feels like this, but for me, this whole thing was so far outside my normal routine I don’t know If I will ever not feel like **** when I think about my missed opportunity. Then there is the other part of me that keeps saying “go further” the game isn’t over yet, which scares me because it really reminds me of some sort of addict, they recognize the problem and still continue to do nothing to fix it.
UPDATE just had her storm into my room and let me know that I have ruined the summer by messing up this weekend by going to the party and I can quote “have a nice life” because she is done with me. I mean what did I do wrong to make the big guy upstairs so mad at me? I thought I was a good person and I have done everything I am supposed to so far. Thank you for making it to the end of my sick and twisted tale, I truly have not idea what to do, reason has never worked with her, and I’m still numb from the girl. I can’t do this. O and sorry about the grammar I am not currently in the state of mind to correct commas.

 

[Danielle]

Tacitus,

I am sorry for your situation. I also, stayed at home for as long as I could because i have a younger brother that i didnt want to leave alone at home. How old is your younger sibling? Will they be able to get out an go to college or get a job soon.. so that they are not stuck in the house all that much?

The way i got out of feeling stuck at home, was that my brother went off to college and when he did, I felt free to leave. But if this is not the case, you should still find a place of your own, and have your younger sibling come to visit as much as possible. To others it may seem like a huge burden, but knowing what its like to live in a house where you fear leaving your sibling, it makes perfect sense. Once you move out and find a job, you can begin to heal yourself from the conditioning that has been your life at home..... in your own place.. you are in control.

As far as that girl... i think we can all relate here. I have fallen for people, only to have my heart put through a blender... I know how you feel, and i know its not a great feeling. But it is true... if she's not willing to put fourth any effort... and not even make you feel welcome at her party... we she's not worth the time and energy.

Focus on you... focus on looking for your own place...a job or what have you.. and have your younger sibling over as much as possible. things will change, and will look up... i can promise you that... do the work, and take the time. your happiness is waiting around the corner.

 

[Tacitus]

Thank you for your kind words, my younger sibling is only just started college, I made him a promise years ago to stick it out until he was done. I don't think it was that she didn't welcome me I think it was kind of more the fact that I only knew her at the party meaning everyone else was an uphill battle as far as conversation goes and it was her party not mine. Hosting is the hardest job even when its supposed to be about you . I don't begrudge her, I feel partially to blame for never telling her how I felt. This feeling that its still a possibility is killing me.

 

[lomojojo]

I feel your pain. My mother was very controlling too; however, I didn't have to feel bad for any younger sibling since I'm the youngest. Luckily circumstances kept me apart from her since I was 19. I loved her very much don't get me wrong, but it's just not healthy for anyone to be in a situation like that. In fact some of the issues I deal with right now is part of growing up with a controlling mother. I don't think they mean any harm is just that they are too afraid to deal with all their baggage so they dump it on whoever allows them to (their kids). I know this may sound harsh or selfish but you have to take care of yourself and be o.k., learn to be independent, this will in turn help your younger siblings because you are modeling that behavior for them. Good luck

 

[Danielle]

Tacitis,

I totally understand about the party. But don't beat yourself up for not telling her how you feel. You can either.. go ahead contact her and let her know how you feel... or use this as a learning experience, and when you meet someone new, and have feelings for them, be sure to tell them how you feel.

I know you made a promise to your sibling to stick it out and stay until you they are finished... but as the poster above said.. you would be a great role model to them by finding your own place, and standing up for yourself.. by you being strong, they will feel empowered to do the same thing. and as I said before.. make your place totally open to your sibling to spend as much time there as possible. Even now, years and years later, my brother and I have our own apartments, our own lives... but he still has a key to my place... and my door is ALWAYS open to him... and believe me he still uses it, even tho he has his own place, a GF, a great job and is not at home. lol i feel in some small way, that I helped him realize it was ok to be strong and to leave. we have a special bond that will last a lifetime. Your sibling will respect you for taking care of yourself.