Love-Shyness, can anyone else relate to it?

[Uber_Psychology]

I identify myself as being love shy.

My Dad is a schizophrenic, thereby allowing my mother to mostly be responsible for my upbringing. I'm from India, where arranged marriages used to almost be a societal obligation to adults of marriageable age. This usually results in marriages that work, as opposed to marriages brimming with love.

My mother felt she had no clue that she was getting married to a schizophrenic, (my Dad is fully functional 99% of the time, save for the occasional relapse), and she sort of blamed my Dad and his parents for the "misery" that my mom went through. In reality she didn't have the courage to spurn society and get a divorce due to a) the fact that she was saddled with a child almost immediately, and b) fear of being labeled an outcast/divorcee/loose woman by society due to inherent prejudices prevalent in society.

While both my parents gave me plenty of attention and care, and individual love, which I am certainly blessed with beyond anybody's understanding, I may have become a love shy male.

Also I've had two experiences where I've approached women only to be rejected and have been extremely hurt by the way the situations unfolded and how all parties concerned handled them. So hurt that I've almost vowed to not hurt myself like that again.

I'm not unattractive. While I'm certainly not a Brad Pitt, I've gotten "looks" from women, and in fact been approached by a couple of women. But I found those advances to be merely superficial and hence had no interest to pursue. A couple may not be too high a number to brag about but it still counts.

Yes I'm a virgin, and I'm 27. But this is because I have no interest in superficial trysts. I like to develop deep connections. I have 5 friends who I call "friends" even though I have 100s of "acquaintances" I have a good time with. Similarly I'd prefer to develop a deep connection with a female I'm going to mate with, and the relationship should ideally progress from "acquaintance" to "friend" to "lover". Considering the low percentage of acquaintances becoming friends, this is going to be extremely hard to achieve. However that is the only way I will have it, unless I pay a hooker, in which case I'd be able to de-humanize the act, only for the sake of getting rid of the "virgin" label, which might inadvertantly be a cure to my love-shyness.

Sure, in my mind, this makes me the ideal boyfriend/husband, because I would never cheat or abuse my wife. I would treat her with as much respect and sincerity. But I never get to that point, because other people don't "waste their time" getting to know me.

I also like to think I'm perfectly rational and am extremely intuitive, and have a near photographic memory. I also have extreme patience and love seeing any problem thrown my way as a challenge. This means that I'm more likely to research tons of material to obtain the necessary information/knowledge I need to solve the problem on my own, without asking people for help. This therefore prevents me from getting opportunities for normal social interaction like most "normal" people do. For example : I would never need to ask you for your name. Unless you or others who know your name remain completely silent because you know what I'm trying to accomplish, given enough time, one of the people in the room is gonna blurt out your name. If that doesn't happen, I'm bound to come across one personal item/letter addressed to you that has your name on it. You can be surprised at how little time it actually takes. In fact you should try it as a personal exercise.

On Omega-ness

I'm extremely intelligent, witty and can make anybody feel at home, and get along with all kinds of people. However I seem to prefer to react to the first move at interaction from the other party. Being a poker player, a moderately successful one at that, I might add, I've learnt that letting the other party "act" first gives you more sensory information, and that leads to a better decision as to most valuable course of action.

I therefore seem to fit the "omega male" status in that aspect. However I thrive on responsibility and also exhibit "alpha male" characteristics like competitiveness, aggressiveness etc. Conflicting definitions from urban dictionary and ask men dot com makes it confusing as to whether an "omega male" is a compliment or an insult, but I identify with the following description the best

The polar opposite of the Alpha Male. Omega Males can have friends and close acquaintances but prefer to accomplish things on their own without the help of a group. Omega Males generally don't belong to any cliques and have no desire to be the leader or most outstanding of said clique. Omega Males have relations with people from all groups and carry a resourcefulness and cunning (sometimes strength) to get a job done with their own skill. This being said, an omega male can have great pride without it manifesting as "ego." (There are always exceptions.

An Alpha Male MUST absolutely be perceived by his peers as the toughest, most popular, and smartest. An Omega Male cares little for this recognition...but knows that he is all those things and more.

Alpha males must have the support of his "boys." This can be the foundation for many shallow and superficial relationships. An Omega Male needs support from time to time, but has few true friends who know him intimately and generally shuns shallow acquaintences.

Two sides of the same coin....both being very effective in accomplishing goals.
In Animals:

Two Rams are butting heads while the female watches. The winner who mates is the stongest and therefore the Alpha Male.

Wait...A third ram runs out of the woods and mates with the female while the two males are fighting. THAT is the omega male.

In Humans:

Alpha Male: John Stewart
Omega Male: Steven Colbert

Alpha Male: Team Sport Captain
Omega Male: Dedicated student/master of martial arts.

I don't view either of these things as being negative, or positive traits. Its simply who I am and I have grown to accept it. Of course I escape from my loneliness by exploring "alpha maleness" in the cyber world where I regularly "pick up" girls to have cyber sex with and have been commended for my superior "game" on numerous occasions, but to play "the game" you have to have a "selfish, I want to **** and **** only, and not worry about the girls feelings (or my feelings for that matter)" attitude which is detestable to the very fibre of my soul, and therefore does not translate to my real life, where I'm love-shy around women I'm attracted to, but you could say I am afraid of the possible grief lurking around the corner, and the price of going through that again would be too much to pay for the comparably lesser joy of ******* her brains out.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I hate to bump this up, but I just had to comment:

I am in my late 20's, a virgin in every respect, and yes I consider myself loveshy. I just can't seem to make a connection with a girl outside of friendship, girls just don't want to get to know me.

I dunno, maybe this makes me incel instead of loveshy, but I am "something", and not normal.

 

[blackdot]

I'm woman-shy. The more attractive a female is, the more likely I will run in the opposite direction (literally). If they are also single, then it's a pure nightmare. There are some women I completely hide from.
I know there is no possible world out there that they would be interested in me and having to be around them is so energy draining.

I'm much more comfortable around average looking married women. No worries and no feelings.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Same here. The more attractive a girl is, the more I run from her.

Yet, I want to date someone I'm attracted to...and if I suddenly find her beautiful, even if she's average, I get shy around her. This does not help with girls, since women generally don't like shy men!

 

[Nolife Princess]

When I was in grade 11, I asked a girl out who sat next to be in History class. She flat out told me no, ended up telling the rest of the class about it, and then asked the teacher to rearrange the seating order of the class room so that we weren't next to each other, which he did the next day. I came out through the entire process feeling like some sort of creepy rapist for having the gall to ask a girl out.

Whenever someone says "The worst that can happen is you get turned down" I think about that time and remember that it can in fact get worse.

I hate ******* like this, I would have punched her teeth out! it is 'people' like this that make all the 'normal' students feel bad. and the teacher sounds like an ******* too! I would have given him a heart felt FK YOU!

Snotty people make me sick!

 

[Lost Drifter]

I'm woman-shy. The more attractive a female is, the more likely I will run in the opposite direction (literally).

Oddly enough I’m the exact opposite. I’m fine approaching what others would call the attractive women, a lot of them like it because men avoid them for the most part but I think what helps is that I don’t consider them attractive, I don’t feel the need to charm or impress.

On the other hand when it comes to what others would call average looking (but who I consider gorgeous) I run in the opposite direction. I also find them harder to befriend because they’re often on the defensive.

Thinking about it now, all men are the same; we all run from whatever we consider to be attractive!

 

[KG3]

I am a 24 year old guy and definitely have love shyness. Ive never been good at communicating and have only had one relationship that blew up in my face. I found out she was cheating on me with my best friends brother and we hadnt even had sex yet. She was going to be my first, and I am still a virgin now.
I recently tried to overcome my love shyness when I fell for a girl who had been a long time friend. When i attempted to tell her how i felt, I got so unbeleviably nervous that my lip started quivering while I was talking. Ofcourse I got extremely embarassed and turned red and teared up. So it definitely didnt go well lol.
Im still trying to overcome it and it is an everyday battle. What helps me and gives me hope is just trying to communicate a little better with everyone in my life. Also, Im trying to come to peace with the fact that it just may take me a little longer than most people to learn how to communicate in a healthy way, and im trying to convince myself that its okay. Anyone else have any similar experiences or can relate at all?