Loving what is - a new idea

[HappyYogi]

Hi Everyone~

I came across a phrase today "Loving what is". It was coined by Katie Byron, self help writer, on how to look at our problems and life.

She says that we have pain when our real lives are not the way we *think* or *should* our lives should be. It's not that our actual lives are that bad it's the comparison from the ideal that hurts.

To me this totally struck a chord. I often wonder why my life is the way it is "why me" syndrome. I wonder why I have the pain that I do or struggles.

But maybe I shouldn't panic. Maybe this is how my life is meant to be. Maybe it's my "dharma" if you will to live this way. After all, when I think of it, my life is pretty darn awesome (if a bit lonely at times) but it still has it's good parts. I realize a lot of the pain is the comparison of how I feel my life "should" look like.

Does this ring a bell for you?

For me it puts our problems in a different perspective. Instead of seeing them as a life going horribly wrong, maybe see them as your particular souls challenges to overcome in this lifetime. Or, maybe see your life another example in how humans can live. After all, we are all very diverse individuals and surely diverse people were not meant to have cookie cutter lives. Also, some of the greatest individuals on the planet were alone people and many of them loved it and felt it fit them.

When I think of my life and all it's problems now...I felt peace reading that. My problems are there for a reason. Perhaps for my growth, my developement. And maybe that is OK if I accept it and realize it's OK to be different.

What do you think?

 

[Tercio]

Well, first off life is the way you want. When you have the life you want then that phrase can stand true. And of course, there are many people that don't want marriage and children. If you are happy about it, then yes, you have found fulfilment.

Life is so awesome even without marriage.

 

[HappyYogi]

I changed my post a bit. I didn't mean it to be about marriage/no marriage actually. It was just a sharing as a new way to look at problems and how our thoughts about it, or our feelings about how things "should" be bring us pain.

I am actually not against marriage at all...I love being in relationship....I really do want to get married someday and I am sure I will...was just using that as an example.

 

[Peaches]

Byron Katie is awesome, I agree with you! if I remember right, she actually writes somewhere in the book that "loving what is" doesn't mean giving up on anything, it just takes the emotional edge off things, so instead of one thinking why me or feeling pain, anger, etc, one is relaxed, full of love, and more ready to take action to change the situation. If only I were able to put such good advice to use...

 

[Reno Bill]

Thanks for this post, really struck a chord with me also. I'm going to get ahold of "Loving What Is". Over the past six months I've been having issues of being unsatified with my life. I used to be happy just being me, being introverted, being alone most of the time. THen the worry machine turned on, I started "what iffing" everything from what if I get sick, what if I get cancer, etc., etc., and it's driving me nuts. I need to learn to just be thankful for what I have, and I have it pretty good in comparison to others I see every day. I need to just start enjoying each day, not worrying about what MAY happen tomorrow or next week or next hour. Life is uncertain and always will be. I and we need to accept that. I'm rambling here.... thanks for your post!!!

Hi Everyone~

I came across a phrase today "Loving what is". It was coined by Katie Byron, self help writer, on how to look at our problems and life.

She says that we have pain when our real lives are not the way we *think* or *should* our lives should be. It's not that our actual lives are that bad it's the comparison from the ideal that hurts.

To me this totally struck a chord. I often wonder why my life is the way it is "why me" syndrome. I wonder why I have the pain that I do or struggles.

But maybe I shouldn't panic. Maybe this is how my life is meant to be. Maybe it's my "dharma" if you will to live this way. After all, when I think of it, my life is pretty darn awesome (if a bit lonely at times) but it still has it's good parts. I realize a lot of the pain is the comparison of how I feel my life "should" look like.

Does this ring a bell for you?

For me it puts our problems in a different perspective. Instead of seeing them as a life going horribly wrong, maybe see them as your particular souls challenges to overcome in this lifetime. Or, maybe see your life another example in how humans can live. After all, we are all very diverse individuals and surely diverse people were not meant to have cookie cutter lives. Also, some of the greatest individuals on the planet were alone people and many of them loved it and felt it fit them.

When I think of my life and all it's problems now...I felt peace reading that. My problems are there for a reason. Perhaps for my growth, my developement. And maybe that is OK if I accept it and realize it's OK to be different.

What do you think?

 

[Montreal Skye]

This is how I live my life now, with no comparisons, no "shoulds' and with total acceptance of my past - well, lol...ideally, I do have my moments, I admit. I've had some hard times and I did go through a terrible "why me" phase, only because it all seemed so unfair and I couldn't wrap my brain around the why. But to use that old cliché, if I didn't go through all that, I wouldn't be the person I am today. It's true though, and today I'm happier than I've ever been my entire life, so I accept that I went through all that in order to find happiness today.

You mentioned your problems are there for a reason, perhaps for your own growth or development. I totally agree. Now and then, when I have a step back, I always remind myself it's because there's a lesson for me in there somewhere that I have to open my eyes to. I can be blind or stubborn to the lessons sometimes, but I really believe that until we heed that lesson, we'll keep suffering the same pain or setbacks. Problems and pain are an excellent opportunity for insight, though it took me years to realize that. Like for example, for years I knew deep down that I shouldn't be trusting my shrink at face value...just popping all the pills she prescribed to me. I knew there were dangers, side effects and paranoia that came along with them, but I was not willing (or able?) to face that fact. Seven years after taking them, I did suffer a lot of bad problems and got myself into some embarrassing situations...and the messages were all there slapping me right in the face, but I didn't heed them. Finally I paid attention and made changes, and I don't find myself suffering quite as much physically or mentally any more.

I did start comparing my experience with others, and it's terribly self-defeating. And when you think of it, pain and despair is so subjective. What I went through cannot possibly be compared to what anyone else has gone through, because I was the one who lived it. But that pain is very real when you do compare yourself. Worse, it leads to false perception of what we think others think of us. It's a really terrible cycle of thinking. The shoulds and what ifs...useless...but they do pop up when I least expect them. I just try to shove them away with positivity and remember that I will have self-doubt, I think it's natural. But if we can prove that self-doubt wrong and accept our past and enjoy our present, then "what is" is the best feeling in the world isn't it?

 

[Among the Sleep]

"It's not that our actual lives are that bad it's the comparison from the ideal that hurts."

I've never thought of it in those words, that sentence definitely did strike a chord. And you know, I think I've always realized that that's the truth. It's just that usually when people try to convey that thought, they say something cheesy like "You just have to appreciate what you have!" and I just roll my eyes, lol. Even though it's the truth, those cliches are never helpful to anyone. Putting it like that makes it sound more real.

So, this is definitely an idea that resonates with me and I'm glad I got to read it. It's just so hard to follow that advice. I know my life isn't that bad. It's pretty good as far as lives go. But I just relentlessly focus on negative things. The things I want instead of the things I have, the would've could've should've...I absolutely drive myself crazy with that ****, and it's my own mind that wittles my personal quality of life down to nothing.

I think another part of this equation is that people (myself included) feel like we're entitled to certain things. Basic things, like friends, family, a relationship. That's the basic template of human existence, if you've got those support systems around you then all the things you don't enjoy in life become peripheral. I mean, most people don't like working 40 hours a week, but the things we don't enjoy are magnified a little less when we feel like our support system is strong enough. But I guess the problem is that we're not entitled to friends, a relationship or even family necessarily. There's a lot of lucky people that have all three in spades, but not everyone.

My problem in terms of that is my lack of relationship. 23 years old, never had a girlfriend, blah blah blah, not a sob story worth telling. But I've always had plenty of friends, and also a loving and supportive family, who I've consistently pushed away with my own selfishness, isolation and insecurity, to the point where I'm afraid of whether or not those relationships are reparable. Maybe if I tried harder to accept what I have, and to foster more positive relationships with family members and appreciate my friends more, it'll make the romantic loneliness easier to cope with. But I've got some seriously negative emotional habits. I almost feel like I'm unsalvagable, at least in terms of just advice...I don't know if anything besides a life change that I'm incapable of bringing on myself could help me. So where does that leave me? As a lonely 23 year old, babbling like an idiot on a message board. But you know, it's good advice. I'll try and take that to heart.

 

[HappyYogi]

For me it reminds me of the truth, at least for me, is that there is no perfect happiness "there". At any given moment there is going to be some imperfection in my life, something missing, but that is no reason to be miserable or to not enjoy what I do have.

There is a woman down the street. In her 60's. Single. Lives in a small old apartment. Now many would say this is not the ideal situation but you know what? She is enjoying life. She socializes with the neighbors, she rides a scooter, enjoys her work, has a garden. Not living rich but not downtrodden poor either she is OK. She was married four times. She could be torturing herself at all her past divorces but she doesn't. She takes each day as they come.

 

[ajdass1]

I agree with the overall sentiment. A lot of people don't fully appreciate what they have, such as... clean drinking water! And when you have problems, taking a step back and working out how to overcome them is inevitably going to produce better results than sitting around thinking, "why me?"

What I don't like is the concept of 'dharma,' 'your soul's challenge to overcome in this lifetime,' or anything like that. Too often people who are suffering from chronic illness, or were victims of assault or abuse or something else horrific, are told by people that they just need to pray harder, or god has a plan for them, or it's an opportunity to get closer to god, or maybe they did something bad in a past life. In other words, some higher power has decided that *you deserved what happened to you*. (In fact, it's just the people making these statements who've decided that). I guess what I'm saying in a roundabout way, is that I find this sort of thinking unacceptable when it's used to hurt people or perpetuate social injustice.

 

[Okiedokes]

Very very true. It is easy to feel sorry for ourselves at times and you know..I think it's ok to do when necessary because it let's us think about the situation and we aren't completely pushing it aside and hiding the problem. There needs to be some time set aside for us to think about things and that also involves acceptance or appreciating what we have. Tossing the problem aside completely can creep up on us later in life.

In the scenario where we aren't pleased with our lives...yes I totally agree with what she said about comparing your life with how you want it. There's probably not anyone in the world who is completely satisfied with what they have, even the rich, because there's always more and more out there. It's natural to have these feelings but that's when stopping to smell the roses makes all the difference. Having a good friend or a support system whether it's one or two people really.... can make a ton of difference. Websites like this are wonderful for that!

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Loving what is, another nice way to say Please give up you are only embarrassing yourself.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I think we should aim for the moon, so even if you miss, you land among the stars.

More specifically, I believe that contentedness can be the enemy of excellence and while it has its value, it also has its dangers.

 

[Montreal Skye]

I think we should aim for the moon, so even if you miss, you land among the stars.

More specifically, I believe that contentedness can be the enemy of excellence and while it has its value, it also has its dangers.

What a wonderful way of putting it. I agree about contentedness. If it's contentment that comes from being in a comfortable rut, then it's dangerous. Not seeking out the possibilities...being stagnant out of fear or self-doubt, closed-minded, or accepting a life that's simply adequate...well, that's no way to live. The great thing about having a mind of one's own is that whatever possibilities you think of are within your reach. It's you who dictates your own idea of living a fulfilled and exciting life - not anyone else. It was a light bulb moment when I started to think of all the things I could achieve and experience in my life once I stopped comparing myself to others and trying to fit into society.

 

[HappyYogi]

Oh, I agree with you guys. I still think we should take risks and go after what we want. I took it as *while on the path* of life, love what "is". Be OK with the imperfection (because it will always be there). Don't let anything missing in your life at any given time to get in the way of experiencing joy. In essence, I took it as loving your problems as some gift to solve, some mystery.

But agree. If you are feeling lonely and incomplete, by all means, work to balance your life and make things better...but in the meantime, while you do so and all the ups and downs of that, love what is.