Lowest Point Of My Life

[Lonesum34]

Hi All
Great forum btw, Im so glad I found it. Ive turned to online support basically because everyone here can understand to no end exactly what Im dealing with. A bit about me - I was with the same man for 14 years. I love/loved him dearly for the whole time and we had three beautiful children together (the youngest has just turned 1). Over the course of those years he cheated on me twice but I forgave him because I loved him so much and wanted the family unit to work and as the cheating was years apart, fell for the "Im so stupid, Ill never do it again" issue. We were married in September 07 after 12 years together and I was the happiest woman in the world. In Feb this year my husband moved out of the home "to sort himself out" but we remained in a relationship. By the mid April rolled around he was back to his suspicious behaviours. By May after repeatedly asking whats wrong he wanted it over. I was devastated and still am, at that time the baby was 7 months old. Approximately a week later I found out that he had repartnered (yes I was right!) but he denied the cheating again, so I guess he woke up that week and decided to enter into a new relationship with no lead up lol. The new woman lived in another state and can only assume they met online. He subsequently moved interstate to be with her and left me with the three kids aged 12, 3 and 1. He doesnt see them but during family mediation he has offered to fly back to see them one night a month. I am gutted and so are they. The baby doesnt even know who he is. Come early this month I discovered they are engaged to be married. I just cant wrap my head around it. It took 11 years for us to be married and he has proposed to this new woman in 5 months. we are not even divorced yet and property settlement is just beginning. What is it this woman has I dont? What functions through a mans mind to jump state and leave his kids. Not to mention my son was in intensive counselling for his fathers abandonment issues, and the school social worker informed my ex hub the ramifications of relocating and leaving them behind, yet he still went. The rejection is just so intense and I feel Im at an all time low in my life with no way out. I do remember all the good times we had and have feelings of such jealousy that someone else has it. Demographically he loves the fact that the new fiancee does not know that he cheated on me with her and is claiming to make a fresh start. May I state that he had 2 kids before I met him so in effect has abandoned all 5 to relocate. His relationship with those 2 older kids is terrible as well. What is so bad about me that he would move interstate? I begged him to stay if only for the kids but he wouldnt! From a mans perspective is this NORMAL? or am i missing some undiagnosed personality disorder that allows a person to just shut off their old life to start a new one with no feelings of guilt or remorse for me or for the kids? I am so devastated at being replaced so easily and the level of deceit this man wove to get himself where he wanted to be. He was having interstate "work trips" and borrowing money from me to go there with. Now I know where the cash went and what it was used for. I cant believe it. Its been 5 months and Im still where I was the day he left. Why isnt it getting any better for me? What type of person puts their own sexual needs and fulfilments over their children one only 7 months old? they miss, cry and ask for him everyday and I dont know what to say in his place. He rings the kids, gloating of his new engagement and new life which makes them worse, but I do need to add he wont give my son an address in which he can send a xmas card or a phone number that the kids can call him on! How deceitful is this!!!! How devastating for the kids, a man they loved and adored for years in the space of 5 months cheats on their mother, moves out of the family home, repartners, relocates and then announces an engagement. ALL IN 5 months. Things just keep piling one thing on top of the other and for each week that comes I dread something new (a new baby perhaps). Im lost and so alone...thanks for reading

 

[evanescencefan91]

hi lonesome34 welcome to the forum


that is terrrible i feel for you i truely do

i'm so sorry

my parents separated when i was 14 because my dad commited adultery

it was not a pleasant time

i know it's hard, but try to be calm and if you get angry ( i'm sure you will )

try not to take it out on the kids, try to maybe take up a hobby to take your mind off it, and hey you can start dating too , it can be a new start for you as well

in my freshman year my mom went on a blind date with a guy and now four years later they are planning to get married soon.

so you always have hope

i'm sure this will be hard on your children bu they love, show your love for them and taake solace in their company

i wish you all the hope and happyneess in the world

*hugs*

 

[Lonesum34]

Hi thankyou! I just feel so overwhelmed with grief that its like being hard to breathe! I know in time I will feel better...I just cant understand how a man can claim he loves someone in a space of 5/6 months that he is wanting to get remarried. Such a blow to the ego after having to wait 11 years myself. And I have to ask what is wrong with HER agreeing to marry someone she doesnt even know the background of. Im just sick of waking up every week learning something new I hate it right now.

 

[Disconnected]

Hi, Lonesome34.

I'm so sorry for what you and your kids are going through.

In one part of your post you look to blame yourself, in another you start "What kind of man..".
I think on some level you know there is no fault you could have that would even begin to justify his actions. This is all on him.

You are not alone in the world, you know.
You have a whole bunch of friends here.


When things can't get any worse, you know they will get better.
Hang in there.

 

[Lonesum34]

I am confused, I think that is why I blame myself and vent anger at his sacrificing his own happiness over the kids. I know Im not alone but I feel that way do you know what i mean? I think for a woman, being left for another is one of the biggest blows ever. My ex however feels he is entitled to his happiness which just happens to be in another state. I get that, but I dont get it at the expense of the kids. Maybe I never will I guess, probably a good thing he hasnt stayed local, which would probably be worse. Its just hard to be strong around the kids, when I know he is calling them etc and not cry in front of them. They need me I know and in some respect I need them too during the break up. I just wish things could be the way that they used to, but that is a daydream I know. Even in reality if he came crawling back, what he has done to the kids is unforgiveable to me that I would say no to that alone. But i think im at the point of, why cant I ever get a decent guy? All my friends around me seem to be partnered with no hassles, no one I have ever known personally has done such a thing and I seem to attract the ones that treat me like crap. Today is one of those days where I feel that im destined to grow old alone and lonely while he is off in his blissful new relationship it sucks!

 

[Disconnected]

You are in for a hard time, that is true.
But you are young enough to have things turn around completely.
Remember, this was not your doing, and your kids will be your strength.
You will make it.

 

[jjam]

It's not going to be easy, but you have GOT to get over this piece of **** guy.

It should be a goal to make your children understand that people are imperfect and relationships do not always work out. They need not hate him for his behavior, but it is quite understandable if they've lost respect for him because of it. Explain to them that it isn't their fault. It isn't about who they are, and just hope that they'll grow to understand and not feel bitter over it. Frankly, you need not go into the full details over what has happened with them. Maybe someday when they're beyond young adulthood, but all they need to see in this is a relationship that failed.

Secondly, find yourself someone good. I know it happens to women (my mother included) and they never find anyone else. They just feel like it's over. Well, it doesn't have to be. Forget the trash, and allow another man who's actually deserving of you a chance. It may be hard to know, at first, but don't fear giving someone else a shot.

Ahhh. I'm sorry for you. All this talk most likely will not erase your pain.

 

[Hope]

BIN HIM!!
For the sake of your children you HAVE to be STRONG! -take him to the cleaners, let him bleed for what he's done to you and your children.
Eradicate him out of your life completely! Be open and honest to your children -without getting emotional- and tell them that it's now you and them and that you'll all be fine and don't need anyone else.
Again, you have to be strong now for your children's sake. The harm that this man has already done to them is very grave, you have to give your very best to be their rock now.
Get support for yourself where ever you can, let your hair down with friends, but try to be strong and calm in your childrens' presence.
I wish you strength.

 

[Lonesum34]

gosh thanks everyone, it is hard the kids are confused as to why theyve been dumped and simply dont understand and of course they turn to me for their answers of which I havent any. yes he is trash and I know deep down Im going to better off, but as for the interim it hurts just the same. Worst thing is new woman has a child whom he plays Daddy to, and the kids know this. Its still a bitter time for me and sorrowful even though he treated me this way. I just think my self esteem isnt going to resurface for quite some time. I wonder how Ill possibly ever trust again is the thing that bothers me. I just dont understand how he feels no remorse. My son who is 12 is at that critical point where next year he is going to transition into high school and has lately been upset as to who is going to teach him to shave! This shouldnt be an issue for a boy this age to worry about, but he is processing it all and thinking of the little things. He is seeing a counsellor which is good and I have been as well but appts are just so far away from each other at the moment. I know it takes time, but I just cant see the end of the tunnel at the moment and feel so worthless and listless in every day life. I recently tried letting my hair down out socialising with friends, and good friends they are too but all happily partnered and have been for years and just cant connect with me on my level. My son is the biggest sufferer out of all 3 as he spent the most time with his Dad. He even said things like perhaps if i hadnt been nagging at him he would of stayed, and why does he love someone else over us? Its heartbreaking and I just cant seem to get up for air for myself as Im dealing with the kids so much. I really do appreciate the posts of support Im so glad Ive found you all. Right now I just dont feel good enough for anybody else, and im bitter. Im bitter because he got to repartner (albeit behind my back) with no responsibility, living the high life and happy in his new found love and playing the doting step dad, while I cant get five seconds for myself and have a child as young as one. What man is giong to take that on?! Its so hard to find someone new down the track, but having such young children I think its going to be hard to find someone who is interested in a relationship and not just sex.

 

[samba101]

He may have thought the grass was greener but only time will tell. Internet relationships can be an illusion and once the fog clears then reality settles in. So while he's in the romantic stage he has to yet realise that words on a screen can not fulfill a relationship and her personality quirks and charms will be revealed in the end.

I'd like to commend you for being so brave, I know I wouldn't know how to handle it I would panic, I'd panic about financial stability and how I'm going to feed the family and pay the bills at the same time, in no way do I want to experience that. And good for you for not taking him back if he decides that he made the wrong choice, actions speak louder than words. I'd wonder why he is so suspicious of giving a telephone or address, maybe he thinks you seek revenge, and to be honest you have every right.

Yes you CAN find a man who will accept you and your children, at this stage your not ready and won't be for a while but there will be a guy for you, not all guys want sex just the majority do.

Yes life has a way of giving you a raw deal, I think it's challenges that are set so we over come them, in your case you didn't deserve what you were given but it can make you stronger, it's hard to begin with because we have feelings and those get us down. There is a light at the end of the tunnel it's just a long road to travel before you get there.

 

[Pinhani]

Lonesum I'm sorry that your relationship with that man didn't turn out the way you thought it would.Your kids are strong, and they'll very easily overcome the virtual loss of their father. This process won't take too many years .My parents were divorced when I was 1 year old, and I've been living with my mother ever since. My father remarried and made another son in a different city. It's definately clear for you that you're not going to get your old life back, so focus on your future and your kids. TRY TO FIND A PARTNER BEFORE YOUR CHILDREN HIT PUBERTY (honestly, if u gave two shits about online support you should listen to this advice.) I dont know if everybody else felt this way about their single parents, but my stand on "boyfriends" horrifies my mother, and I dont want her to die alone, but shes LIVED alone for so long, why fear the lonely death? Try not to feed your children hate towards their father (you wont be able to accomplish this, but you should always keep trying), aside from this you should NEVER feed hate towards the newborn baby, you think hes got it good on your children, but you need to realize your children have a loving mother, and his son has a lousy father. I've been living alone with my mother for 17 years now. Shes had boyfriends on and off. FUCKINGNO. The only acceptable man you can show to your kids is the man that they've known over time. Don't walk up to your eldest one day and be like "hey, Id like you to meet someone special" - no. I wish you good luck in your future. I'll pray that your children will give you the happiness you deserve. Good luck.

Edit: First Post

 

[Disconnected]

"but having such young children I think its going to be hard to find someone who is interested in a relationship and not just sex."

You are looking at this backwards.
Only the men who would be interested in more than sex, who would be a proper father to your children and who would be willing to stick with you when things are tough will make the effort. You have a filter for quality men, if not quantity.

 

[Lonesum34]

hi and thanks for all your kind words, I am definitely not looking for a relationship at this point but maybe one day. Certainly wont repartner just so my kids have a father figure either. what i meant by "but having such young children I think its going to be hard to find someone who is interested in a relationship and not just sex."
is that men are hard to find to be serious about women (sometimes) with so much "baggage" as they see it. that statement just meant that yeah its ok for him to have built his relationship up behind my back and subsequently moved to be with her and that Im left with all the mess to deal with. Makes me very very angry and bitter right now as I am trying to work through a grieving process myself and help my kids do this too, but im lonely as there is such a big void now. I miss having someone to come home to and all those sorts of things and now he has that with someone else at my expense. I cant wait til they work out what he is REALLY like but demographically he finds them a gold mine because they are not in a position to run into anyone here locally that can tell them exactly what hes been up to and done to me and in the past. All she sees is this fantastic man, with a psycho ex (yes apparently im psycho because Im entering into property settlement) and they get engaged after 5 months. Im so pissed off and angry and sad and lonely all rolled into one. I dont know where Im at right now!

 

[loketron]

well now think of it this way.
if its the lowest point of your life theres only one way to go, up.

 

[Disconnected]

Please keep us posted, especially if you feel like venting, Lonesome.

 

[wretchedofthepond]

Hi, Lonesum34: I couldn't imagine the turmoil that such a predicament would cause on children. I can imagine if this happened to me as a child -- completely horrible. I don't really have any sound advice in this instance, since a betrayal of this magnitude this has never ever happened to me.

I think I agree with some of the other posters, that you should just understand that this man is of a certain personality type, much like we on this forum are of another. Perhaps his father left him and his mother, and a cyclic disconnect exists? I don't know, his perception of attachment has been severely compromised. I don't really know what to say, except that I empathize with your sadness and confusion.