Met girl online - she has BF, but is sending mixed messages.

[Astral_Punisher]

@Astral_Punisher:I am so sure you are my fan. :/

You're right. I am, honestly. Not sure how else to say it. Do you want me to bake you a cake with your name on it? Honestly, I would. I love baking. And I'm you're fan.

I hate how some girls do that to us. Don't get yourself hurt alright?

My friend, thank you for the well-wishes. I've already been hurt by this girl, bad. Now I've got to recover, get back on even footing, and start looking elsewhere...

congrats you found a girl online who is willing to half-assedly commit to an emotional affair.
what she gets out of the deal? a huge ego boost of male adoration
what you get? ****
learn the game
the worst part is, you are all tore up about some chick you've never touched, smelled, tasted, or felt, who has a boyfriend, and leads you on for prolonged periods of time online
when you put it like ^that^ it probably doesn't sound so appealing
go game other women
classy women

Hey Trent, love your posts. I might even bake you a cake too.

You, of course, are absolutely right.
And you put it in a way that is both unbelievably blunt, and in harsh contrast to the way I have viewed the situation up until this point. Thank you for making it very clear to my foggy mind.

I cant, no.... SHOULDN'T think that this girl is any good. I'm not even really in any situation to have her in my life, as simple logistics of my busy work hours preclude it.

I'm going to just treat her as a friend. I decent friend mind you, but a friend non-the-less. I won't try to 'go after her' anymore, even if she baits me. I think this is for the best, as all of you have suggested.

Thank you everyone.

And I truly, truly hope there is another one like her out there.

 

[Phaedron]

Its complicated usually means there are issues she doesn't want to talk about and may also mean she expects it could eventually end. It definitely describes a relationship she is not totally happy with. I have been put into this situation several times before, and nothing good will come from it. I wouldn't get your hopes up.

If you do find yourselves playing out a scenario where she does leave this guy, just remember that you will be seen as being okay with her doing that. If she did this to him, she could do it to you. Pay attention to what she does, especially if she keeps your friendship a secret from him. You would be wise to learn everything you can about how she deals with this guy. You would at least deserve some explanation as to why the relationship didn't work out. If you see she is willing to lie to anyone about anything, she could easily be lying to you. You need to take notice of these things.

Try not to read too much into it. These days have seen men often have the deeper feelings, or make something deeper then it really is. Going from person to person has become the norm. Try not to be moved so deeply, especially if you just want to ride the emotional rollycoaster, and don't care that it will most likely end. The better it is, the more grief it will put you through. Whoever cares least controls the relationship.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

I actually talked to her again today. She's still very fun and awesome. I tried to be as 'friend' as possible, and not suggest anything.

I did ask her before she went to bed: "What do you think of me?"
Her reply: "You're pretty nifty and I can talk to you for a million years and that's awesome."

So, that's pretty much 100% she's not interested in me as a mate, but she's seems to want me as a friend, so that's something.
I don't know if I can 'shake' the subconscious want to be with her as a mate, even after she has rejected me like that. I feel really low and sad as I write this.
Is it wrong that I don't want to talk with her as much now that she has rejected me as a mate, but accepted me as a friend?

 

[sth]

Is it wrong that I don't want to talk with her as much now that she has rejected me as a mate, but accepted me as a friend?

Yes, it's perfectly normal. Actually, it's probably best that you take some distance from her.

 

[Phaedron]

I know a girl from high school that I still talk to from time to time. We've maintained an open friendship for about 16 years. She's had at least 4 boyfriends that I know of. There were a few times that were a little more then that, and where it could've been me and become something more serious, and then bam, shes with someone else out of nowhere. You talk about mixed signals.

She's not a bad friend though. Good for conversation once and a while, and she's been there for me at times when I was really down. Thats about what you can expect. I've gone whole years without saying a word to her, and yet we seem to have something that just won't die. Our more nostalgic moments go back to when we were going to school together.

I don't have a lot of friends, especially ones that haven't stabbed me in the back over something. You could be lucky in that sense. The mixed signals could be that she thinks of you as a backup guy or something like that, but if you haven't even met in person, and live far away, I wouldn't count on anything. I think she probably knows you have some of those feelings by now, but if you back away and stop talking it's only going to make you look like a jerk. Maybe find some way to casually admit that you like her, and she is desirable, but act like it means nothing, almost to a point where you could joke around about it, maybe implying you believe she already knows. It has to be done with zero drama and no lasting pressure, full respect / acceptance of her situation, and genuine friendship that doesn't seem like you're waiting for something to happen. Just a distant and respectable attraction that isn't to be dwelled on. With any luck you'll have found a good friend, with some chance something will change later on down the line. I think if you're able to be honest and still maintain a friendship, it would actually be that much stronger.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

I think if you're able to be honest and still maintain a friendship, it would actually be that much stronger.

I'm going to try to stay friends with her, but as sth said, I think I'm going to give it some distance. Maybe not talk to her every night until both of us go to bed. It's silly. She must talk to me more then her BF, because we talk back and forth constantly for hours and hours. Time kinda flies by, at least for me.

I don't want her to be 4 boyfriends, and 10 years down before she thinks of me as a mate, if she does at all. I'm going to look elsewhere for ladies, and hopefully I can find someone with the same type of fun, tom-boysih personality.

It seems like the majority of women these days are still pretty darned 'traditionally' feminine. Not active physically, no interest in hands-on-things like trades, building things, repairing things, or playing fun games. Heck, even talking in a up-front and honest way. Mind-games galore. It's so tough to find someone with the traits that I desire, and that's why it's so tough for me not to 'lay claim' to this lady, and tell her that I love her an unbelievable, undeniable amount. She enjoys all the things I do, and it seems like every time she opens her mouth, she tells me something else I absolutely adore about her.
.

Thanks for your advice, Phaedron and Sth.

 

[perfanoff]

Oh man, there's nothing like a woman that talks straight to you.

It's one of the biggest turn-ons a guy like me can get.

 

[MissGuided]

Oh man, there's nothing like a woman that talks straight to you.

Wouldn't the world be a beautiful place if everyone would just 'talk straight' to each other? Wish more people would 'get it'. lol

 

[Trent]

siren

 

[ajdass1]

' "Leos aren't meant to be together", but then she'll say something like "It's almost like we were meant to be," ' this seems like the only real mixed message from what you said. Apart from that, a girl wanting to spend lots of time talking to you doesn't automatically mean she wants to be in a relationship with you. Talking for hours at a time is something a lot of friends do. Like Barb says, "sometimes just temporary unhappiness in a relationship can cause someone to seek to fill that void with the company of someone else." Also, her mentioning that it's complicated between her and her boyfriend, and then not wanting to talk about it, doesn't necessarily mean that she's dropping hints.

Again, nothing you can really do short of confronting her and telling her how you feel, and I'd be wary about doing that because you said that she's the first person you've really gotten along with. But I think getting some space and trying to find some other people to talk to would be a good idea.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

Oh man, there's nothing like a woman that talks straight to you.

It's one of the biggest turn-ons a guy like me can get.

Strongly Agree with this.

' "Leos aren't meant to be together", but then she'll say something like "It's almost like we were meant to be," ' this seems like the only real mixed message from what you said. Apart from that, a girl wanting to spend lots of time talking to you doesn't automatically mean she wants to be in a relationship with you. Talking for hours at a time is something a lot of friends do. Like Barb says, "sometimes just temporary unhappiness in a relationship can cause someone to seek to fill that void with the company of someone else." Also, her mentioning that it's complicated between her and her boyfriend, and then not wanting to talk about it, doesn't necessarily mean that she's dropping hints.

Again, nothing you can really do short of confronting her and telling her how you feel, and I'd be wary about doing that because you said that she's the first person you've really gotten along with. But I think getting some space and trying to find some other people to talk to would be a good idea.

Yeah. It's primarily hopeful thinking on my part, really. She's e-mailed me twice, telling me she missed talking with me today (I was out with some friends). I usually talk to her at least every day or two. I missed talking with her too.

I'm going to try and get out more. Thanks for all the advice .

 

[Astral_Punisher]

Well.

It's been about 2 years now.

I got the girl. We're together at the moment. She's moved up with me in Canada.

I am honestly growing tired of her. She is stubborn, self-centered, and she doesn't put in much if any effort into anything.

I'm not sure, but I feel like I just want to be alone.

Advice?

 

[ladyforsaken]

Do you guys communicate?

 

[Limlim]

Congrats punisher! You've upgraded from the honeymoon to the relationshit phase. It's pretty much how these things end up at around the 2 year mark.

Remember how people say that relationships are work? This is the part they are talking about. Now it's time to have those uncomfortable conversations which -will- turn into arguments when you tell her to start putting effort into things. Meanwhile you probably have a list of things that piss her off as well that she's waiting to unload on you.

If you two find you can make it through this part, then you know it was meant to be. If not, time to look elsewhere. The true litmus test of relationship isn't what you do when things are going well, but what you do when they aren't.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Remember how people say that relationships are work? This is the part they are talking about. Now it's time to have those uncomfortable conversations which -will- turn into arguments when you tell her to start putting effort into things. Meanwhile you probably have a list of things that piss her off as well that she's waiting to unload on you.

^Yep. Thought of what Lim said. Thus my question above.

 

[Limlim]

Of course he could also just say "**** this ****" and give her the boot. If X makes you unhappy, then remove X from the situation.

That said it might be worth trying to see if she'll work with him on this before doing so. All depends on if he really thinks its worth it or not.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Of course he could also just say "**** this ****" and give her the boot. If X makes you unhappy, then remove X from the situation.

That said it might be worth trying to see if she'll work with him on this before doing so. All depends on if he really thinks its worth it or not.

Yeah.

And you're actually making a lot of sense in this thread, Lim.

 

[Ymir]

I read your thread and I'm glad things worked out for you! But, yep, things worked out so nicely you made it to the stage of your relationship where you hate your partner's guts, so congratulations for that too!

You should sit down and talk it out, though. You have to keep in mind that she moved to another country to be with you (from what I've understood) and it's probably really, uh, unkind of you to just grow tired and break up. Talking it out isn't easy, and conflicts are probably going to follow, but if your relationship remains strong great! If it doesn't, at least you've tried. I'm pretty sure she has some complaints of her own to make, so be ready to hear her side too.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

Do you guys communicate?

Not really.

I feel like it is very difficult to get through to her. She tends to believe that she is always right, no matter the situation.

Thinking back, I actually have trouble remembering a time she admitted that she was 'wrong'.

Anytime I try to bring things up, even in my most 'careful' of ways, she shuts down and gets defensive. I strongly believe that she was very spoiled by her family, and hasn't had to deal with alot of heart-ship before this relationship.

---

Congrats punisher! You've upgraded from the honeymoon to the relationshit phase. It's pretty much how these things end up at around the 2 year mark.

Remember how people say that relationships are work? This is the part they are talking about. Now it's time to have those uncomfortable conversations which -will- turn into arguments when you tell her to start putting effort into things. Meanwhile you probably have a list of things that piss her off as well that she's waiting to unload on you.

If you two find you can make it through this part, then you know it was meant to be. If not, time to look elsewhere. The true litmus test of relationship isn't what you do when things are going well, but what you do when they aren't.

Very sound advice, I feel.

*sigh*

I have a problem with too much anxiety, so I'm going to try to relax about things she does that make me upset. I really just seems like talking about things with her is really a dead end, so maybe if I give her some space, it might help her 'mature' about things.

AKA - If she gets angry at me for wanting to do something, I won't get into an argument; I will just do what makes me happy.
(I like exercise, walks, games, and casual socializing; so we are not talking about me going to the bar [I don't drink, period], smoking, drugs, or heavy partying. I'm a very clean person, and I also would never cheat.)

---

Of course he could also just say "**** this ****" and give her the boot. If X makes you unhappy, then remove X from the situation.

That said it might be worth trying to see if she'll work with him on this before doing so. All depends on if he really thinks its worth it or not.

Part of me wants to just be alone so badly. That might seem very strange to alot of people on ALL, but after the constant struggles and fighting, or, should I say, the current situation of struggles and fighting, I am just worn out.

I work full-time + OT as a welder, and coming home, utterly filthy and spent, only to finder her complaining that she is tired, sore, sick, and board just grinds me like a cheese grater.

---

I read your thread and I'm glad things worked out for you! But, yep, things worked out so nicely you made it to the stage of your relationship where you hate your partner's guts, so congratulations for that too!

You should sit down and talk it out, though. You have to keep in mind that she moved to another country to be with you (from what I've understood) and it's probably really, uh, unkind of you to just grow tired and break up. Talking it out isn't easy, and conflicts are probably going to follow, but if your relationship remains strong great! If it doesn't, at least you've tried. I'm pretty sure she has some complaints of her own to make, so be ready to hear her side too.

To be honest, she is pretty vocal about what she doesn't like. She is very stubborn and doesn't like new things unless they are 'her' idea.

I have tried to take her out for civic events and to recreational areas, local clubs and games nights, to friends and families' places, but all of it just seems to make her complain, and I feel like I am dragging a great ball and chain around.

I can feel myself wearing out just recanting this to you guys; It's been an epic struggle.

I guess I should add:

She is not able to work, legally, and we are on the cusp of submitting our papers that could have me sponsoring her to enter the country as a perminent resident, meaning that she could work and get government medical coverage.
It also signals a true shift in the seriousness of our relationship, as I would be legally bound to her, and literally responsible for any and every action she has in this country.
I am kind of freaking out about this.

 

[daddymack]

At first, I met her on a game online, and we started talking, and I was like "Wow, a really cool girl online". We exchanged MSN's and now we chat. After a few days, where should would go kind of silent if i said she was cute or nice, she finally told me that she has a long-term BF.

I was pretty devastated, because I was really interested in her.

Now, I chat with her only on some days, but when I do, it's for hours on end. Just yesterday, i talked to her online for at least 16-18 hours solid, into the wee hours, and the morning after. We were laughing and BS'ing and having a great time. She sometimes tells me she's just lonely, and looking for friends, but other times, she seems to be downright affectionate, telling me how cute, nice, or awesome I am.

We're both Leos. We both have exactly the same birthday, 3 years apart. We love all the same things, we have lots of similar interests. I can talk to her, and it's super natural, and fun and relaxing. I've never known anyone like her. We were looking up horoscopes, and because it's 'true', she said "Leos aren't meant to be together", but then she'll say something like "It's almost like we were meant to be".

It's pulling my heart strings all over the place!

She always wants to talk to me, and always tries to keep me talking and chatting with her. We were voice chatting as well, and we've traded OK Cupid accounts, and we've both seen each others pictures on there. She is, of course, drop dead gorgeous to me. She also lives just an hour or so away from me, so it's not a big deal to go and see her.

I feel like she's giving me a ton of mixed messages... She always wants me online to chat and voice chat, but then will occationally mention her BF. I will tell her that I respect that she is into her man, but then she will tell me it's "complicated", and will not answer me when I ask what that means exactly. I find myself dreaming at night about this girl, and unable to look at other women without comparing them unfavorably to this girl.

Sorry for the rant, but I am really confused, and could use a second opinion.

ok this is what i want you to do, make sure the pictures that she sent you are really her, wants you confirm that then it's safe maybe video chat with her or something but okay here is the problem if she is real.

her boyfriend is not giving her enough attention so she enjoys your attention she say stuff like " im lonely" on purpose there a few things going on

she either going through things with her boyfriend but due to being blinded by love she feels trap

she just likes you as a friend and enjoy your attention and likes to tease you and saying stuff like " im lonely" purposely to get you to compliment her

or some girls are just flirtatious and cant help it they would kinda flirt but never leave they boyfriend unless something serious happen.

your best bet is to wait until they break up or see her physically because no matter how long you talk to her how many words you tell her over the internet it really doesn't give her the full connection because she might feel one way one day then once her boyfriend be nice to her for a day or two or after they make love she going to feel differently....


but keep being flirtatious but do not be direct with her because she going to eventually turn you down once she feels your going to aggresive or if she feels guilty about it

but if you want a chance this will take a lot of time.