Dear Black Metal Bands,
I would like to talk to you today about some of the videos you have made. I feel that your Quality Assurance teams may have mislead you during post-production, and indeed, they may have dropped several hits of acid just moments before they watched your videos and told you how kvlt they were.
Because I assure you, they were wrong.
Honestly, guys. I am hurting for you watching these. Don't get me wrong; the music is indeed heavy and it is definitely metal, but the videos are more inhumane than your weekly goat sacrifices. When I close my eyes and imagine a scene to go along with your wonderful, torment-laden crowing, it's magical. But the videos are definitely not that scene.
I think some basic ground rules would be correct and appropriate at this juncture of our relationship:
1. First and foremost, if your face is within four feet of the camera, back. The ****. Up. If you must be within this proximity, for the love of all that is wicked, resist that inner voice telling you to make threatening facial expressions.
2. The joyous, happy forest is a wonderful place to be and I'm sure you had a fine time in the great outdoors. However, it is not a very ominous location for you to film your dark rite of guitar playing, and the pretty autumn leaves do not lend themselves to your demon worship.
3. No more running/chase scenes.
3A. NO MORE CHASE SCENES WITH YOU WEARING A WITCH HAT
4. Please refrain from taking your friend in to the aforementioned woods for a violin-and-guitar molestation session. No, waiting until evening does not make it ok. What is this I don't even...
5. I demand that you invest a few more dollars in to your camera equipment. Do it now.
That is all.
Thank you,
Your Dark God Below
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