mid 30s- childless is this why?

[Art3mis]

So I am in my mid-30s and find myself very alone. I moved into the area I have been living in for 6 years and despite my attempts I cannot seem to move a friendship beyond the top layer.

I feel like I have to make all the effort in my friendships, too. I am the one inviting, hosting, etc. and while they are happy to come it doesnt go both ways. This has happened over and over again.

I do not have kids, I am self employed and work many evenings and some weekends and work from home often during the day. I am parternerd and he isn't very social so no help there. I am not from this area at all and it seems like everyone else has lived here forever and already have established friends. My fmily is distant both georgraphically as well as in all other ways.

Some days I wake up and see another long stretch of a lonely day and it is more than I can bear. I know part of it must be, my personality I guess, its like a big blind spot I can sense but otherwise cannot percieve.

The mix of circumstance and personality has crafted a very lonely life. I feel like I am drowning. I am so deserpately unhappy. I've tried meetup groups, searching for friends on craigslist, hosting meetup groups, really being proactive but to no avail. I am truly out of ideas.

I feel like I cannot even talk about this to anyone without feeling like a pathetic loser.

I am so worried that the longer this goes on, the "weirder" I will become until one day I will be the cat lady recluse. I just dont know what to do...

I am really suffering. I am afraid of doing something drastic.
thank you for listening.

 

[Tiina63]

I doubt very much that you are weird or that your personality is at fault. Past childhood and teenage years it is often more difficult to make new friends for the reason you mentioned, that many people already have an established circle. And others are busy with family or other things. And single people may feel that as you have a partner, you wouldn't want to/have time to meet with them often.
Maybe being childless has an effect, but only so far as it means you have a bit less in common with new parents to talk about. There are many childless people in the world and, once they are past the sleepless nights and nappies stage, the fact people have kids shouldn't affect a possible friendship either.
It is hard to be doing all you can socially to meet new people and for it not pay off at all friendship wise. People will have said to you to just enjoy the activities for their own sake and not to think about making new friends while you do them and that friends will come along when you aren't worrying about making friendships, but to be honest it is well nigh impossible to put this wish to one side when it is so important to you. At the same time, it does often show when we are very eager to make friends and this sadly can put others off.
Could you maybe look for a job outside the home so that you aren't alone so much? This might help to an extent. And don't give up on the social groups-you will hopefully one day find at least one kindred spirit.

 

[Mouse]

Have you considered adopting a child? I'm a 'special guardian' to my family's 12 year old and she has filled such an empty gap in me.

You are not weird or anything, but what Tiina suggested looking for a job ouside home is a good idea. And yes, social groups are good. I belong to a rambler's club. Walking in the countryside during springtime is really nice and, conversations with other walkers are easily made. It could be a start for you.

 

[h3donist]

You should never feel like a pathetic loser just because circumstances have made finding a friend difficult. I'm sure you a decent and loving person so you should always hold onto that, no matter how isolated you feel. I bet you feel like you've fallen into a crack in life, where everyone else seems to surge forward, you are left behind, calling out and hoping someone notices and returns to lift you out (that's my analogy anyway)

Yet there are dozens of people on here who would love to have someone to talk to, so just drop someone a PM and see what happens Get involved in the forums and just keep trying. It will work out eventually

 

[tc00]

Art3mis, Have you ever tried volunteering as a way to meet local people? Small animal shelters and rescues are always in need of an extra hand and they tend to be people that give rather than take. There are also many at risk children that could use a buddy. Maybe through the Boys and Girls Club or other active group that works with children you could find a child to spend some time with. I'd read a story from a Texas paper about the process of adopting a child in foster care. I looked at their website and it was really so sad, these youngsters still wishing for their own family, still trying to be hopeful. I wish more people thinking of adopting here or overseas would consider this, as it's a pretty simple process and low cost too. Good luck to you.

 

[Art3mis]

Hello everyone, thank you for your posts and your ideas. Unfortunately there is not much I can do to change my situation, work-wise, and actually I dislike children on the whole, yikes right? 3 strikes!!! But I will continue to volunteer and hope for something. I actually even started a meetup group for people who are fre during teh day and while I had 80 people sign up I had to sit through 2 events I hosted where no one showed up, that actually made me feel worse. I just feel like no one wants to hang out anymore, we are becoming a society of robots, work-sleep-clean-work-facebook-sleep