C
Crew99
Guest
I'm trying to go back in time to figure out where all my social anxiety came from. I used to be so outgoing as a child and made tons of friends. I'g go to the park and play basketball and by the end of the day i'd make like 5 friends. I was never self conscious, insecure and pathetic the way i am now. It all started when i moved to nj at the age of 12. I came from a very down to earth school where everyone pretty much got a long, i was popular and people acknowleadge me. I had a life and friends and felt happy. Then i moved to nj to live with my mom whom i've never lived with. I left my old life behind not knowing id be living in a nightmare. The school i moved had a a bunch of preppy stuck up rich people and they all hated me. I had no one, not even my cousins who i could hang out with. I was an outkast with no friends and the people who invited to me sit with them at lunch were all b*tches. They used, humilated and took advantage of me because they knew i was alone. I didn't even like them to be honest. They weren't my ideal type of gals that i'd normally hang out with, but i just got stuck with them. These girls were viscious and i was shocked. I was devasted at the cruelty of these people. I was really good at basketball so i joined the team,but rich preppy girls didn't like me. They'd talk about me behind my back and made me feel really unwanted. I felt so out of place for the first time in my life. At the same time, i was in love with this girl i left behind where i used to live and i was already depressed from not havning the social life that i was once accustomed to. All thse problems came at me simultaneously and i just couldn't deal at 12. The people i thought were my friends spread rumors and about that got around the school and totally ruined my reputation. It was hard. It just made me see how disgusting people can be. I mean i dont know what it is. I'm not even ugly. I'm talented and good looking but people just have tendency to walk all over those who are vulnerable. eversince then i've experience a new awakening about the evil nature of others especially people my age. I went from UP at cloud 9 to down six feet under. The emotional toll made me so depressed that i just quit school. the embarassment was too much. I was even arrested for not going to school and spent one day in juvi. This is so not like me. Im a decent moral person. In high school i went to this alternative school cause i couldn't stand the high school drama that i knew was inevitable. Having to meet friends all over again and i keep getting these thoughts that i'd get victimized again. So ever since i was 12 i haven't made any friends AT ALL. I moved around a lot which made it worst cause i felt like that same little girl in the middle of a juggle with predators all around me. I went to college in a new town and the same thing just keeps happening. I DON"T meet any friends. I wish i could just hypnotize myself to be ignorant again about people's cruelty so i wouldn't be so fearful talking to people. My life just sucks so much. I missed out on all the developmental milestones that all teens go through (prom, parties, sleep overs)...I just felt like these people were too shallow to get me. Now i'm stuck all by myself with no one to talk to and this lack of social skill i've accumulated from not having ANY one for the past 11 years or so. =(
