Mindset matters

[Yaku]

So a few days ago I posted a thread about how I felt out of phase with the world, like a ghost. Today I tried changing my mindset and just wanted to share my experience here.

I went out again today but with a more positive outlook. I dressed myself nicely and tried to be more relaxed. There was a marked difference in how people responded. At the store where I was basically ignored previously, people made eye contact and one guy even made a joke. I felt 'present' and relevant.

I bought myself a soft drink and drove to a mountain road not too far from home. I parked next to the road and sat on a large rock in the sun drinking my beverage. The cool breeze came up from the valley and the gorgeous countryside spread out below me. Everything felt right. I did not even think about loneliness. As if me being okay with myself for a change was all I needed. On the way home I listened to a song I hadn't heard for a while and the words were fitting: "look who's alone now, it's not me, it's not me".

So what changed between these two days? The world definitely did not. The only thing that changed was my attitude. Insecurity attracted negative events and feelings on the previous trip. Confidence attracted positive feelings and events on this one.

I'm starting to think that my loneliness is just a symptom of an underlying emptiness. And I'm starting to think that emptiness is not knowing myself, not valuing myself, and not being on my own side. Not selfishness but self worth. Maybe that's why when I was in a relationship I also sometimes felt alone.

Maybe if I'm okay with myself, I would not fall for controlling and manipulative people that initially appear to be a fix for what I lack. Maybe if I'm okay with myself my relationships would have a stronger foundation. And if I'm okay with myself, I would be okay alone. Like how I felt on that mountain today.

The main problem is accepting who I am, because I am far from perfect.

Anyway thanks for reading, and I hope there is some truth here someone could benefit from.

Love from your fellow loner.

 

[user 135067]

People gravitate toward the positive. They will shun the negative.

Better self appreciation is going to open up potential for relationships. You could even find a partner.

Mostly, holding on to a positive attitude will go a long way toward fighting depression. That alone promotes a better existence.

Hold on to your new self. Let us know how things progress.

 

[M_also_lonely]

Congratulations for waking up. Your journey begins.

 

[9006]

Yeah a change in mindset can make a load of difference, but a lot of people dismiss it and moan "I wish it was that easy", or something like that.

 

[user 135067]

Yeah a change in mindset can make a load of difference, but a lot of people dismiss it and moan "I wish it was that easy", or something like that.

Like depression, negativity feeds negativity. It takes an effort to change. One must want the change enough to put in the effort.

 

[Finished]

Good job! I actually like to be ghost when I go out so I purposely dress down, not clean shaved, old shoes, old hat. I could pass for someone looking for a handout. So, people typically ignore me and stay out of my way. But, when I dress nice and clean shaved people make eye contact with me, are more friendly, and some even start talking to me.

So, absolutely! How you appear is huge in how people treat you. And your attitude shows through as well. If you want a job as a computer programmer then dress like one. If you want a job as whatever you should look like they do. If you want people to think you are nice then smile and greet them.

 

[Butterfly 2]

Good job! I actually like to be ghost when I go out so I purposely dress down, not clean shaved, old shoes, old hat. I could pass for someone looking for a handout. So, people typically ignore me and stay out of my way. But, when I dress nice and clean shaved people make eye contact with me, are more friendly, and some even start talking to me.

So, absolutely! How you appear is huge in how people treat you. And your attitude shows through as well. If you want a job as a computer programmer then dress like one. If you want a job as whatever you should look like they do. If you want people to think you are nice then smile and greet them.

People avoid eye contact with you when you dress down because they are afraid you are going to ask them for money.

 

[Yaku]

People avoid eye contact with you when you dress down because they are afraid you are going to ask them for money.

On one of my worse days I was walking through the parking lot to my car and a woman gave me R2.50 (about $0.14) and said "I hope everything works out" thinking I was homeless. I just smiled and thanked her, but Imagine her surprise when she saw me get into my car (which was a newer model than hers and was ironically parked right next to hers) and drive off.

 

[Butterfly 2]

On one of my worse days I was walking through the parking lot to my car and a woman gave me R2.50 (about $0.14) and said "I hope everything works out" thinking I was homeless. I just smiled and thanked her, but Imagine her surprise when she saw me get into my car (which was a newer model than hers and was ironically parked right next to hers) and drive off.

Your story will be in one of the articles that are frequently published about not giving money to the homeless, especially since she saw you walking to a nicer car than hers.

I no longer give the homeless a penny and it's mainly because I don't carry any money with me when I am out and about. But the other reason is that we used to live in a different area of town and every time we went to the grocery store, the young homeless who lived in a shed in that area would ask for money and I would always reach in my purse, which I do carry when I go shopping, and give them a handful of change. One day I got to thinking that it was about $5 in change and the guy was about 20 years old and I remembered working 40 to 60 hours when I was that age so I thought that's enough of that. On the flip side, some of the homeless in the area that we have become acquainted with will say they are hungry and I have gone home to make a bagged meal and bring it to them. I don't think that's going to happen anymore either because one of them told me that he hasn't eaten for 2 days so I brought him a meal and he laid it on the bench beside him and I saw him the next morning and again he said he hasn't eaten for 2 days. That's maybe one of the reasons we are taught to help them in organized groups rather than on our own.

 

[okidoke]

Nice one. As I noted elsewhere, we are our own worst enemy.

 

[alphabet]

The first step into becoming a better person, is seeing your own flaws.

 

[user 139760]

The first step into becoming a better person, is seeing your own flaws.

This. I think it's one of the hardest things to actually do. Take a good long look at yourself and admit to that mirror that you're not everything you should, or want to be, then actively try and change it. I've always life as a quest to becoming the best person you can be. Mindset, I think, is everything.

 

[cyan]

I'm starting to think that my loneliness is just a symptom of an underlying emptiness. And I'm starting to think that emptiness is not knowing myself, not valuing myself, and not being on my own side. Not selfishness but self worth. Maybe that's why when I was in a relationship I also sometimes felt alone.

Wow, that is spot on! I also had similar results when changing my mindset, just the little things about my day here and there. The more effort I put into what I was doing, the more accomplished I felt, and the less lonely AKA empty I felt at the end of the day! So, very well put.

 

[SquareBin]

Actually it's true, mindset matters

I've noticed that listening to music helps me focus on positives mindset, so I try to listen to more songs now

 

[bsomberg]

So a few days ago I posted a thread about how I felt out of phase with the world, like a ghost. Today I tried changing my mindset and just wanted to share my experience here.

I went out again today but with a more positive outlook. I dressed myself nicely and tried to be more relaxed. There was a marked difference in how people responded. At the store where I was basically ignored previously, people made eye contact and one guy even made a joke. I felt 'present' and relevant.

I bought myself a soft drink and drove to a mountain road not too far from home. I parked next to the road and sat on a large rock in the sun drinking my beverage. The cool breeze came up from the valley and the gorgeous countryside spread out below me. Everything felt right. I did not even think about loneliness. As if me being okay with myself for a change was all I needed. On the way home I listened to a song I hadn't heard for a while and the words were fitting: "look who's alone now, it's not me, it's not me".

So what changed between these two days? The world definitely did not. The only thing that changed was my attitude. Insecurity attracted negative events and feelings on the previous trip. Confidence attracted positive feelings and events on this one.

I'm starting to think that my loneliness is just a symptom of an underlying emptiness. And I'm starting to think that emptiness is not knowing myself, not valuing myself, and not being on my own side. Not selfishness but self worth. Maybe that's why when I was in a relationship I also sometimes felt alone.

Maybe if I'm okay with myself, I would not fall for controlling and manipulative people that initially appear to be a fix for what I lack. Maybe if I'm okay with myself my relationships would have a stronger foundation. And if I'm okay with myself, I would be okay alone. Like how I felt on that mountain today.

The main problem is accepting who I am, because I am far from perfect.

Anyway thanks for reading, and I hope there is some truth here someone could benefit from.

Love from your fellow loner.

Wonderful. I have learned, as well, how much of a difference outlook can make. There are days when I am down that I cannot even imagine ever being happy again. And there are days when I am up that it seems impossible that I would ever feel bad again. So it is just a matter of somehow getting ourselves to that positive state. I do think that loneliness is, in part, an outlook on things, but there is also a component of reality to it. I can learn to deal with my loneliness, but it seems impossible to me that it will ever disappear completly. It is a simple fact that I have few connections in my life and while I can work on increasing those I am never going to get to the place where I have dozens of friends. It just is not going to happen. Not at my age, at least.

 

[Dbruised]

You brought up a good point that made me stop and think. You said your emptiness maybe could stem from you not knowing yourself and valuing yourself. I am suffering from severe isolation and loneliness. And online doesn’t really do it for me. I need someone I can talk to, and the way everything is online, it feels impossible to go out and meet people anymore. Nobody goes out and does anything. I don’t do bars, can’t find quality people there. I might find a church to go to, but that is always a bust. Usually I’m sitting around a bunch of happy old people and by the time I’m done I feel worse and even lonelier.

BUT, what I really need to do is find out how to be my own best friend. And I don’t even like myself. I would say it’s fair to say I hate myself with a passion. I am my own worst enemy. I don’t have a split personality but it’s like I go around everyday with the best of intentions trying hard to do everything right, be kind, be helpful, be loving towards others, be honest, be loyal, be hardworking. But then there’s this little ******* inside of me that sabatoges everything. And he’s a part of me. So I hate him, therefore I hate me. And I don’t talk nice to myself at all.

I’ve thought a little bit about this before even before I read your post, but you’re onto something there. I don’t know how to love myself, and I’m going to have to figure out how if I’m ever going to get rid of some of my loneliness. I hope you’re finding peace and comfort on this site.

 

[user 139760]

You brought up a good point that made me stop and think. You said your emptiness maybe could stem from you not knowing yourself and valuing yourself. I am suffering from severe isolation and loneliness. And online doesn’t really do it for me. I need someone I can talk to, and the way everything is online, it feels impossible to go out and meet people anymore. Nobody goes out and does anything. I don’t do bars, can’t find quality people there. I might find a church to go to, but that is always a bust. Usually I’m sitting around a bunch of happy old people and by the time I’m done I feel worse and even lonelier.

BUT, what I really need to do is find out how to be my own best friend. And I don’t even like myself. I would say it’s fair to say I hate myself with a passion. I am my own worst enemy. I don’t have a split personality but it’s like I go around everyday with the best of intentions trying hard to do everything right, be kind, be helpful, be loving towards others, be honest, be loyal, be hardworking. But then there’s this little ******* inside of me that sabatoges everything. And he’s a part of me. So I hate him, therefore I hate me. And I don’t talk nice to myself at all.

I’ve thought a little bit about this before even before I read your post, but you’re onto something there. I don’t know how to love myself, and I’m going to have to figure out how if I’m ever going to get rid of some of my loneliness. I hope you’re finding peace and comfort on this site.

I can somewhat relate to that. Everyone has their darker side. Sometimes, some days, it pulls harder than it should.

But despite that, you have to learn to love yourself. Work on taming the dark side and actually try to be nice to yourself. Because no one will ever do it for you. I think it's fine to dislike yourself and want to change some things. As long as you don't allow yourself to wallow in it. It becomes self-destructive after a time.

 

[Dbruised]

I can somewhat relate to that. Everyone has their darker side. Sometimes, some days, it pulls harder than it should.

But despite that, you have to learn to love yourself. Work on taming the dark side and actually try to be nice to yourself. Because no one will ever do it for you. I think it's fine to dislike yourself and want to change some things. As long as you don't allow yourself to wallow in it. It becomes self-destructive after a time.

This is a poem I wrote about the conversations I have in my head. After reading it back a few days later it made me stop and think, hmm I wonder which one of the two is the worst enemy. Me, for talking this way to the guy inside me that lets me down, or is the guy inside me that lets me down the bad guy?? It’s when I started thinking about who is who’s worst friend and maybe I better take a look in the mirror. Anyways, it’s called

The Losers Crown

Here's to you, my own worst friend
For every failure and dead end
You let her down time and again
And lost the faith she had my friend

Your temper, your feelings, they got the best
You hurt her, said things that failed her test
Made her feel the pain you felt inside
What the hell were you thinking, my own worst guide?

I was given the best woman on earth
And all you could prove was your lack of worth
You screwed it up, despite my best intentions
And now she's gone, go to a looser convention!

You're my own worst enemy, the way you destroy
Everything that I ever hold dear, with every single ploy
To sabotage my stupid life, right out from under me
Leaving me alone and hurt, with your dumb *** for company.

But here's to you, my own worst friend
Can't wait to see you screw up again
Another chance to let me down
And force me to wear your losers crown.

 

[user 139760]

This is a poem I wrote about the conversations I have in my head. After reading it back a few days later it made me stop and think, hmm I wonder which one of the two is the worst enemy. Me, for talking this way to the guy inside me that lets me down, or is the guy inside me that lets me down the bad guy?? It’s when I started thinking about who is who’s worst friend and maybe I better take a look in the mirror. Anyways, it’s called

The Losers Crown

Here's to you, my own worst friend
For every failure and dead end
You let her down time and again
And lost the faith she had my friend

Your temper, your feelings, they got the best
You hurt her, said things that failed her test
Made her feel the pain you felt inside
What the hell were you thinking, my own worst guide?

I was given the best woman on earth
And all you could prove was your lack of worth
You screwed it up, despite my best intentions
And now she's gone, go to a looser convention!

You're my own worst enemy, the way you destroy
Everything that I ever hold dear, with every single ploy
To sabotage my stupid life, right out from under me
Leaving me alone and hurt, with your dumb *** for company.

But here's to you, my own worst friend
Can't wait to see you screw up again
Another chance to let me down
And force me to wear your losers crown.

I don't really do poetry lol. That's for more imaginative and artistic minds than mine.
I do philosophy however. Or muse, if you will. Spent a lot of time with my own thoughts. I understand what you're going through, I really do. In a way, part of it is very healthy, if maybe a bit late; you're recognizing your own shortcomings in a failed relationship. That being said, there are a few things you should keep in mind, even though I know full well now's not the time for you to accept these, but it's nevertheless the truth.
- You are NOT the sole person responsible for the failiure of the relationship. There were two of you in there and, unless it was a toxic relationship with either alcohol, drugs, violence or some other extreme involved, both of you have blame to share. That'll come over time, you just have to hang in there. But don't needlessly torture yourself, either.
- The BEST woman on Earth does not exist. Our own feelings make an SO feel that way, but you have to keep in mind that if the relationship didn't work, there are other people out there, maybe someone more compatible with who you are. Now's not the time to look and accepting that will take some time, but I do believe I remember reading this was your second union. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you likely felt that way the first time. I felt that way once as well; ironically, I was the one who sent her away. I know now that even though she was a good person, she was not my person. Because we're not together anymore.
-We all have, I guess you'd call it our own worst friend. Mine actually has a name. It's not a story that I tell, however. I imagine I keep him locked in chains somewhere inside. There was a time where the chains were off and more him than me was running the show. Poked his head again a few years ago but in my case, that time, for better or worse, I used him. It's a part of me I had to come out and accept. Part of me maybe five or six people on earth know about. Saved my life a few times. Created problems in others. But, I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for him. It's a part of me I had to negotiate a truce with. What I can say is you need to work on the same, because that own worst friend of yours IS a part of you that isn't going to go away. In fact, he helps make you who you are. You just have to negotiate a way of working with the guy and realize he makes you stronger, not weaker, as long as you can learn to tame his more extreme facets.
But I feel your pain. The onky thing I can tell you is that it does get better. I believe I remember you mentioning you have two daughters. So do I. If anything, you have to hold on to yourself for their sake as well. They need their father in their lives, even if you don't always feel that way. So stand fast. Weather the storm. It'll pass.

Hope this helps you somewhat, friend. Probably the nost I've written on here in a while lol.