My enemy is myself

[SophiaGrace]

This is what I did: Make effort. Instead of wallowing in self pity staying at home, I joined outdoor clubs to do things I never thought were possible.

Like abseiling. Abseiling put the ***** up me.


Anna Mouse

For those who don't know what abseiling means…

abseil
[ahp-zahyl, ab-seyl]
Spell Syllables
Word Origin
noun, verb (used without object)
1.
rappel.

 

[Despicable Me]

I see what you are trying to say but as far as this being a good experience for me let's just say I could do with a lot less of these. But I get it. I learned something.

I'm over it now but I keep on rehashing the entire conversation. I had to take this step. I didn't come here to post and tell everyone what the hell is the matter with me and then say to myself well, that's all I can do about it.

It's so easy to write about how I feel. I can stop any time, pick out the right word I want to say and then move on. Not when you are talking to someone face-to-face.

Yeah, I get that 100%. I used to go over conversations in my head over and over and over. I still do occasionally, but I've gotten thousands of times better about it now. I learned to let things go.

And yes, it is a lot harder to have face-to-face conversations than write... I've never really figured out why that is, but I think everyone feels the same way there.

Sure it was. I see exactly what you are saying. But it was like this. I was so concerned on what I was going to say because I rehearsed it so much that I didn't know what to say when she said she didn't drink coffee. It's like asking someone you know who is a vegetarian to go out for a burger.

It was silly. It was stupid. It was me.

Again, I know exactly what you mean. It's not stupid, I think it's pretty normal.
When you're not used to having conversations you get so focused on what you're going to say that you forget to actually pay attention.
I still tend to 'rehearse' what I want to say when I feel very uncomfortable somewhere, usually when I'm visiting a new, unfamiliar place.

Really though, rehearsing lines just seems to make things worse most of the time, for me at least. I've noticed it is actually easier to just force myself not to worry obsessively over what I should say and just blurt things out (and possibly look dumb in the process).

Good point. I think maybe I'll return there next week and try one more time. What's one more emergency room visit?

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I see you are taking time to laugh at yourself. That is very, very good. I think you'll be fine.
Just remember that you might feel lonely now, and it might be hard to do talk to people in the moment but every time you do it it only gets easier the next time.

No need to thank me. I'm sure someday in the future when you're happy and not alone you'll pass on the same advice to someone else.

 

[BeyondShy]

And yes, it is a lot harder to have face-to-face conversations than write... I've never really figured out why that is, but I think everyone feels the same way there.

It's because you can stop and think of the right words. And when you do that you don't worry about when you are going to start typing again. When you do, you do. But that's not the case when talking to someone in person.

Really though, rehearsing lines just seems to make things worse most of the time, for me at least. I've noticed it is actually easier to just force myself not to worry obsessively over what I should say and just blurt things out (and possibly look dumb in the process).

I think that's going to be my next approach. Instead of going over a conversation in my head that will never turn out exactly the way I expect it to be I will go there and just talk from the heart without any rehearsal. Nothing I have done has been right yet so doing it this way is not going to hurt one way or the other.

I see you are taking time to laugh at yourself. That is very, very good. I think you'll be fine.
Just remember that you might feel lonely now, and it might be hard to do talk to people in the moment but every time you do it it only gets easier the next time.

No need to thank me. I'm sure someday in the future when you're happy and not alone you'll pass on the same advice to someone else.

I would gladly do the same for anyone. In fact I may have already done this years ago. I've got a niece and I told her years ago to have fun in school and do what makes her happy and try not to have any regrets. I told her not to be like her godfather who missed out on so much.

 

[BeyondShy]

Today I took care of all family business.

-Michael Corleone


Today was the day of the shyness/anxiety meeting that I mentioned before. I was the first one there and I don't know how many times I wanted to leave.

Then I saw some of the people come in. I knew this because I recognized them from their photos they posted online. They did not know me because I didn't upload a photo.

I was about to go but then I heard my name mentioned and they all said that they hoped I was going to show up because they knew how nervous I was about it. I waited a few minutes and then I stood up and walked over to the girl who organized the meeting and told her I was the one she was looking for.

They all said hello and welcomed me and I tried to say hi back but I mostly nodded. We went to our table and I sat between them and when I am extremely self conscious about something I can not talk that loud. Nerves. I even had a hard time hearing what I was saying so I know they sure did.

Six people were there and four were women. And as it always seems to be the case there was one person who dominated the conversation and that person happened to be the other guy that was there. Every time I worked myself up to say something he stopped to let me say it and then he was off again yapping away. Those kind of people are hard to compete against.

But I did say some things. I wanted to say more but I didn't have much of a chance. I stayed for the entire meeting. I felt better about doing that.

Just being there was a minor victory to me never minding that chatterbox. I felt so good that I went to the place where that girl works. And she was there. I said to myself you better do it so I went up to her and told her everything.

I said I wanted to apologize to her and she said for what? I told her that I am an extremely shy person and I actually rehearsed what I wanted to say to her over and over and that is why I asked her to go for coffee even after she said she didn't drink it.

I told her that this is very hard for me and basically I just wanted to get to know her. So she said why don't we talk when you come in and get coffee, that's what we can do. I said ok and I left.

I think I got a very polite brush-off but hey, I did explain myself.

And that was my day.

 

[Despicable Me]

It is an anxiety group meeting, so the "chatterbox" guy was just dealing with his anxiety the way he knew how - by chatting nonstop. Some people do deal with their anxiety that way. They also often forget everything they said later or feel very foolish about some of the things they did say and beat themselves up about it. But I guess you didn't ask to know that. But it might be something worth noting for future reference.

As for speaking louder so others can hear, I'm sure that will get better. I bet some of them even feel the same way.

Sounds to me like everything is going pretty well for you. It does sound like the girl was trying to brush you off, but that's fine. Maybe she has a boyfriend and doesn't want to hang out with other guys and make him jealous? *shrug* You'll meet someone else.

 

[BeyondShy]

It is an anxiety group meeting, so the "chatterbox" guy was just dealing with his anxiety the way he knew how - by chatting nonstop. Some people do deal with their anxiety that way. They also often forget everything they said later or feel very foolish about some of the things they did say and beat themselves up about it. But I guess you didn't ask to know that. But it might be something worth noting for future reference.

I didn't know if there was any polite way to turn to him to ask him why the hell he talked so much.

As for speaking louder so others can hear, I'm sure that will get better. I bet some of them even feel the same way.

Maybe so. And when the next time rolls around that is my main goal. Just to be heard more.

Sounds to me like everything is going pretty well for you. It does sound like the girl was trying to brush you off, but that's fine. Maybe she has a boyfriend and doesn't want to hang out with other guys and make him jealous? *shrug* You'll meet someone else.

I kind of had that feeling too. But at least I felt better when I left her yesterday than the other time. This time I said exactly what I meant to say. Maybe she does have a boyfriend. Who knows? I'm not going to ask.

 

[Despicable Me]

I didn't know if there was any polite way to turn to him to ask him why the hell he talked so much.

He's in your anxiety group, so my only conclusion is that his chatting is in fact the symptom of his anxiety, just as your inability to speak is yours. I've seen it before.
If this is true, and I see no reason to assume otherwise, then it is actually probably a touchy subject for him.
He feels as though talking a lot makes up for his weaknesses, his internal anxieties and fears. It's a defense mechanism that he uses to deal with stressful situations.

He will get over it, for the most part, eventually because that same defense mechanism will get him used to his anxieties and eventually he will overcome them, so long as he doesn't repress himself or cause the problem to internalize. He may just need some friends?
Bet he's actually a great guy if you get to know him, and he'll likely tone down the chattiness if he isn't stressed.

Sorry, I have too many psychologists in my family. Maybe more than you wanted to know.

Maybe so. And when the next time rolls around that is my main goal. Just to be heard more.

That's one thing I still haven't nailed down myself! I've gotten hundreds of times better than I used to be, but apparently I don't have it quite right yet.
I think I speak loud enough now but sometimes my wife still tells me she can't hear me. I don't know why. I believe I'm using the same volume everywhere. Am I just too used to the quiet to know what the problem is? Hmm... I'll figure it out one day. Maybe.

Anyway, good luck. I don't think you'll really need it, though. You're already doing great.

 

[mari1969]

My comfort zone is inside my house. I don't know where else to go.


Wow. That is so true. I feel most comfortable in my own home. It's not that I am afraid to leave my house or anything like that. I mean I can do that at a moment's notice. It's just that I don't. Not counting the supermarket I don't go anywhere else.

Oh that is me¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡

 

[ABrokenMan]

I kinda feel the same way. I've home far more than out somewhere, since I've had to deal with a lot of emotional junk. I could go out, have a good time, return home and my mood will soon turn to lonely or extreme sadness. So I prefer to just stay put so my mood will not be on a roller-coaster.

 

[BeyondShy]

Time for a little update with me.

I have not seen that girl that I asked to coffee for awhile. For all I know after I asked her that she quit her job and moved away.

Last week I answered an ad on line for someone who was interested in having coffee with "a nice, interesting guy" and figuring that two out of three wasn't bad I found myself answering the ad. I figured that I would leave it up to her if she thought I was interesting. I think I am since I spend a lot of time with myself. :shy:

Well, we agreed to meet at 6:00 pm and I got there about fifteen minutes before to get a table. To make a long story short she didn't show up. I don't know why but I am sure it is something I did.

As far as meeting someone from online in the future that is over and done with as of now.

 

[Despicable Me]

Well, we agreed to meet at 6:00 pm and I got there about fifteen minutes before to get a table. To make a long story short she didn't show up. I don't know why but I am sure it is something I did.

Doubt it. Why else would she have even agreed to meet you?
It's possible the ad was a way for her to try to step out of her comfort zone and do something different, but when time came she chickened out. Or maybe she was actually just extremely superficial and doesn't actually stick around for a lot of her dates. Who knows? Could be anything.
Don't go blaming yourself, no point to it. If you really want to know then text her back (or however you contacted her before) and just ask.

But no matter - she's the one that didn't show up so that was entirely her fault. She didn't even give you a real chance. You can't be blamed for anything there. Don't go blaming yourself when none of it was your fault and you know that.

As far as meeting someone from online in the future that is over and done with as of now.

Well to be fair, a lot of people think that dating people online or in other random-ish ways is better, but a lot of the time its actually harder because then people get used to the anonymity and can't muster up the courage to go through with it, imagined someone different, or just act differently in person.

 

[BeyondShy]

Doubt it. Why else would she have even agreed to meet you?

Well, maybe so. That's my initial reaction for things. Looking at it rationally I should have seen it was her fault because at least I did show up.

Well to be fair, a lot of people think that dating people online or in other random-ish ways is better, but a lot of the time its actually harder because then people get used to the anonymity and can't muster up the courage to go through with it, imagined someone different, or just act differently in person.

It would be for me. In my case I can express myself better when I write but I get too damned nervous in person and then I don't know if I am being judged, etc, etc.

 

[aspalas]

I think the girl might have just been too nervous.

I haven't read everything in detail, but I have some advice I can give you.

First of all, don't always focus on your negative sides. What is positive about you? Are you good at something? Are you intelligent? Creative? Nice? Do you see yourself as a good person? I know first hand that it's very hard to focus on this, but reading the topic you come across as a very nice guy, I wouldn't worry about a thing.

Related to this, it's useless to compare yourself to others all the time, you're basically fooling yourself and you should be aware of this. I personally find myself comparing me to others all the time (oh he looks better than I do, his clothes are so nice, etc.), and it's just a waste of time. First of all, it's impossible to view yourself objectively, as if you were another person, you can never know what other people might think of how you look or behave, because you are not another person, and everyone has different tastes. Also, you can't know everything about another person, you can only see what a person shows, and nobody is going to show a lot of negativity. That's why everyone looks happier, more interesting, etc., and by knowing this and reminding yourself of this whenever you feel the need, you'll gradually learn it's useless to compare yourself to others, because it's impossible to properly compare yourself to anyone.

You've also said (like in your post above mine) that you are capable of looking at things rationally. Never stop doing this, and know that that's probably true. Correct yourself in thoughts that are irrational and probably untrue, like that you've done something wrong that made the girl not show up. It was definitely not you, it was her who decided that and her who missed out on you. I know it's hard to do this (again, I've been there), but just know that your assumptions aren't based on anything concrete, and are probably not true. Eventually you'll get a hang of this and do it automatically.

About your issues in social situations; take it step by step. There's no need to rush, and just take small steps out of your comfort zone until you're comfortable, then take another step.

I hope this helps, and best of luck .

 

[BeyondShy]

I think the girl might have just been too nervous.

The hell she was. I didn't tell everyone in here what else I found out about this a few days after it happened. She said that she was there waiting for me and that she had some kind of jacket on that when I saw it I was supposed to recognize her in it. The problem is that she never told me anything about wearing a particular jacket so I didn't know what to look for.

First of all, don't always focus on your negative sides. What is positive about you? Are you good at something? Are you intelligent? Creative? Nice? Do you see yourself as a good person? I know first hand that it's very hard to focus on this, but reading the topic you come across as a very nice guy, I wouldn't worry about a thing.

Yeah I am a nice guy but I am getting very tired of holding on to this information all by myself. And as each day goes on I am getting more and more fed up with it. There is always a comfort in being alone at times but not when it is 24/7 every single day of the week.

So I decided to join a website called okcupid. I don't know what I am doing wrong there but I'm doing it. I am not going to provide my screen name on there here because I am not going to give any of you a chance to laugh at me. I'm anything but stupid so all of you people can go find someone else to poke fun at because I'm not playing.

Here is a message I sent to someone. I thought it was a nice opening greeting. Hello, I wanted to say hi and I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Anything wrong with that? I didn't think so. I got no response. I don't know if I was more angry or hurt. I mean why wouldn't I get a response?

I don't know where else to go to meet anyone.

Related to this, it's useless to compare yourself to others all the time, you're basically fooling yourself and you should be aware of this. I personally find myself comparing me to others all the time (oh he looks better than I do, his clothes are so nice, etc.), and it's just a waste of time. First of all, it's impossible to view yourself objectively, as if you were another person, you can never know what other people might think of how you look or behave, because you are not another person, and everyone has different tastes. Also, you can't know everything about another person, you can only see what a person shows, and nobody is going to show a lot of negativity. That's why everyone looks happier, more interesting, etc., and by knowing this and reminding yourself of this whenever you feel the need, you'll gradually learn it's useless to compare yourself to others, because it's impossible to properly compare yourself to anyone.

When I compare myself to others I always end up on the short end but what you said did make sense.

 

[Batman55]

So I decided to join a website called okcupid. I don't know what I am doing wrong there but I'm doing it. I am not going to provide my screen name on there here because I am not going to give any of you a chance to laugh at me. I'm anything but stupid so all of you people can go find someone else to poke fun at because I'm not playing.

Here is a message I sent to someone. I thought it was a nice opening greeting. Hello, I wanted to say hi and I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Anything wrong with that? I didn't think so. I got no response. I don't know if I was more angry or hurt. I mean why wouldn't I get a response?

OKCupid, like any and all dating sites, is generally going to be a numbers game... with the rare exception that if you happen to be exceptional looking and have good statistics that you ain't lying about.. then it's a game rigged for you to win. But the vast, vast majority of folks are not that. So this means you're just normal, and like virtually everyone, it's going to be an uphill battle. Full of rejections or no response to your messages.

I'd say if you can get a response for every 1 out of 20 messages you send, that's "good enough"... and for some men who've never received a single response ever (they do exist), it's an excellent number, and you should feel blessed.

Another thing you need to learn is make your message interesting... most women on those sites are inundated with loads of messages.. of course, they want something a little different than just a simple greeting or "have a nice weekend".. they like a sense of humor, or even a little edginess.

Most important thing, though.. is to have extremely low expectations. It could be that even after contacting 100 different people, even those that reply will not want to meet. If you have low expectations, this won't hurt self-esteem.. otherwise it could be damaging. In short, one could say that if you're insecure with low self-esteem, online dating may not be a great choice for you.

 

[BeyondShy]

OKCupid, like any and all dating sites, is generally going to be a numbers game... with the rare exception that if you happen to be exceptional looking and have good statistics that you ain't lying about.. then it's a game rigged for you to win. But the vast, vast majority of folks are not that. So this means you're just normal, and like virtually everyone, it's going to be an uphill battle. Full of rejections or no response to your messages.

You're not kidding there. I am finding this out for myself.

I'd say if you can get a response for every 1 out of 20 messages you send, that's "good enough"... and for some men who've never received a single response ever (they do exist), it's an excellent number, and you should feel blessed.

I feel I would have a better chance if I got on a plane and went to Las Vegas.

Another thing you need to learn is make your message interesting... most women on those sites are inundated with loads of messages.. of course, they want something a little different than just a simple greeting or "have a nice weekend".. they like a sense of humor, or even a little edginess.

I don't know what to do to do something like this. I am just about done with this site.

Most important thing, though.. is to have extremely low expectations. It could be that even after contacting 100 different people, even those that reply will not want to meet. If you have low expectations, this won't hurt self-esteem.. otherwise it could be damaging. In short, one could say that if you're insecure with low self-esteem, online dating may not be a great choice for you.

Don't worry about that. I have no expectations.

 

[Batman55]

I feel I would have a better chance if I got on a plane and went to Las Vegas.

Perhaps you could be a bit more specific, there...

I mean it is true there's a lot of more "uninhibited" folks there to have fun, but to get anywhere you still have to know how to play the game, dress the part, exude some confidence, take chances. Shyness in any locale, any situation, generally takes you nowhere. It sucks, but at least you ain't the only one... I've had to deal with it my entire life, as well.

I don't know what to do to do something like this. I am just about done with this site.

Well if you've got no expectations, that's a part of the battle won, already. I'd say to keep trying, man.

 

[BeyondShy]

I feel I would have a better chance if I got on a plane and went to Las Vegas.

Perhaps you could be a bit more specific, there...

No, I meant to say I would have a better chance at success if I went to Vegas, where you are expected to lose, than okcupid. I get no one to talk to me there.

And you are right. Shyness in any situation takes you nowhere. It's terrible. And it's killing me.

Well if you've got no expectations, that's a part of the battle won, already. I'd say to keep trying, man.

I don't know how much longer I will be there anyway. I can get ignored by women without logging on my computer.

 

[Katerina]

I think part of the problem with OKCupid is that, because it can end up a numbers game, some people spam the same message to a whole bunch of different people therefore messages like your nice greeting is likely to be seen as a message that might have been sent to many people and is more likely to be ignored unfortunately. It can help to make it a bit more specific to the person's profile just so it isn't taken that way.

Hope things get better for you.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I say pack in online ******* dating and do something more interesting.
Go on a cycle ride, join a club. Go hiking, great exercise and a chance to meet some really nice people.
Charity work - a chance to help others less fortunate than you.