My Real Deal

[ladyforsaken]

For the past couple of days, I've felt so compelled to write a post about how I feel. I probably shouldn't feel the need to justify myself to others who don't give a **** about me but I feel like I need to do this, for my own sake and my own peace of mind.

People often see what's on the surface and make judgement based on what they see and observe. Being on this forum for a few years now has made me a victim of both positive and negative judgement from people all around here, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I'm so tired of people saying things about me when they don't know **** about me and my life. It's okay if they keep it to themselves but when they go around pouring salt into the wound knowing that I would totally know what they're on about, that's just not right. What did I do to them to ever deserve it? I know this is a stupid question, because people don't do things reasonably. They do things selfishly.

A lot of people think that I, ladyforsaken..:

• am living the life of a popular girl on here;
• have a legion of followers;
• talk to a lot of people;
• have a lot of friends;
• enjoys a lot of attention;
• do not have major problems in life;
• am having the time of my life;
• have so much awesome free time;
• enjoy my days without a job or any particular hobbies;
• have no hobbies other than posting on the forum
• have got nothing better to do than to spend time on the forum;
• am happy to spam the forum with so many posts some of which people think, are pointless;
• have a pretty good life because of all the above....

... and add on to the list if you have another opinion of me here.

Little do people know that none of the above are true and little do people know that there's more to why I'm here a lot than just to post or spam the forum with posts.

I know it probably isn't necessary or important or would make any difference but I want to put this out there because I'm truthfully hurt by what some people have said or thought about me despite having given my explanation or reasons for whatever I do here.

So here's the real deal. None of the above list is true. Sorry to disappoint.

I'm a loner by choice and I don't talk to a lot of people. Sure, I try to reach out to people here, but that's nothing new cos it's been the main reason why I'm here and why I do what I do on here.

I don't enjoy attention, neither do I have an army of followers behind me. I'm not popular, you can't judge that by the number of rep points I have or by how active I am on the forum. It doesn't mean ****.

Before I got diagnosed with a second cancer last February, I had a decent 8:30am to 6pm job, I joined a gym that I go to after work, I work out at home on other days, I do regular weekly house chores and enjoyed them, I do the grocery shopping all by myself.

After I got sick again, all these things were robbed off of me. I couldn't do anything without the supervision of another person. I can't do vigorous or heavy activities. I can't run because I might fall or hit something and that could cause a whole lot of ****. I can't have some of my favourite foods anymore. I can't do what I normally would be able to do.

My life for the past 6 to 7 months, have been mostly about chemo on a daily basis, and breaks in between to let my body recuperate from it. I have had to deal with a lot of nausea, headaches, tummy aches, diarrhea, memory loss, confusion, pain, bleeding, breathlessness, have had my life on the line a few times now even after my discharge from the hospital and just physically, and emotionally battered down beyond belief.

I deal with a huge financial debt right now, about $10k in my currency, due to my unemployment and being unable to pay the housing loans and ****. And I've had to put some of my wants and plans on hold because my ****** up life is on hold.

But just because I don't whine about these things daily or talk about them doesn't mean I don't go through them. Doesn't mean I have a peachy life where it's a bed of roses where you see me on the forum a lot spamming my way around with posts, be it useful or pointless.

No. I'm here to help myself. Not just to help people anymore, but now, it's for me too. I need it to help me forget all the pain, the worries, the suffering that I feel inside. I need it to keep me sane and feel somewhat "normal" in just one tiny aspect of my life cos everything else has changed. Believe it or not, this forum is my coping mechanism.

I'm not on the forum to earn favours, earn likes or gain popularity. I'm not on here to be followed or to have followers or an army of people. I was here to give back to the online community for whatever help I received from other strangers. I want to help others in return. I'm now here not just to do that, but to help myself too.

Oh, and I do have hobbies. They include gaming, reading and just watching movies, shows or videos, besides the forum, of course.

Some people think that my presence on the forum is annoying. Fine, that's their opinion. Feel free to have me on your ignore list if so. But if these people have got nothing nice or beneficial to say to me or about me, I really wish they'd shut it and keep their ignorant and selfish thoughts and comments to themselves. It's enough **** that I have to deal with in my daily life right now, I don't need to see anymore of it online or here on this forum where I find entertainment.

You can say I could put these people on my ignore list, but hey, that's not my style. If I have a problem with someone, I'd talk to them about it.

I guess the whole point of this post, is just to make it clear to people out there - that I'm not on this forum for the fun of it, or for spamming reasons. I'm on the forum to help and be helped. Just like everyone else. Other people post just as much as I do too, on the games and other topical threads. I want to make it clear that I don't have a privileged life just because it seems like a lot of people like me. My life sucks, and you can have it if you think otherwise, but I honestly wouldn't give it to anyone because that would be really cruel of me to give them my suffering.

I also want to make it clear that I'm not going to whine and complain every single day about my pains and worries and challenges. I'd rather spend them commenting on other people's posts, reaching out to them, or just posting game responses and songs to help me get by. My life is hard enough, I'm not gonna let myself make it harder by whining about it. So I want to make it clear to people, that just because I seem okay and I can smile and laugh and give hugs, it doesn't mean that I am internally. It doesn't mean that I'm not suffering.

I also finally, want to say, that it hurts me to have people think so lowly of me after knowing me long enough. I am deeply hurt by the fact that some people never change, especially when I thought they have, for the better.

P.S.
If anyone has issues with me, I'd really rather they have the decency to PM me about it, confront me, tell it to me personally, or an alternative if they really don't want to deal with it, is to block me and then shut up. Have that decency or maybe, the guts to do so, especially if they're going around being passive-aggressive because I think that's just really insensitive, cowardly, and selfish.

 

[lonelyfairy]

Aww... Ladyforsaken. *hugs* You're absolutely right about that, that people can't base their opinions of someone how they are online. It's just a tiny scratch from everything, from the person's whole life. So anything anyone posts here, is just... a scratch. You can't know how someone lives or how their life really is by reading their posts, amount of rep points etc. It's unfair to assume things like that... Because people here are much more than that, much more than their posts, avatars, rep points, ''online personality'' etc. Like you Ladyforsaken, people are living, breathing human beings made of flesh and blood and they have real emotions, real feelings. All your feelings are valid and you have reasons to feel in the way you do, even though I don't know anything about it, but you really have every right to feel in the way you do right now. I'm so sorry, though... Even you probably don't need me saying sorry because it doesn't change things or how people act. Stay being true to yourself, your heart and mind. <3

 

[Alana]

I just wanted to say again that I'm sorry for my part in contributing to how you're feeling right now by saying that you probably have a lot of people to talk to. My intention was good but an assumption is still an assumption and I'm admittedly a bit clueless sometimes about how I'm really coming off vs how I think I am. I don't understand how someone could think you're annoying but I think you really lift the forum.

 

[Solivagant]

I'm sorry you even had to write this. You hardly seem like a spammer to me.

 

[Nicolelt]

Lady, I don't think you are a spammer. I think you give good advice to lots of people on here. When I am having a rough time, I like to go on here as a coping mechanism as well. It seems like commenting on others problems, helps me not think of my own.

I know you have a lot of pain and stress in your life right now, and I respect you for not whining about it. It's better than how some people have been on this forum in the past, where they whine about the same thing everyday, even when there is wonderful advice and support out there for them.

I'm sorry there have been people here making you feel this way.

 

[Aisha]

*Hug*
In your corner, got your back.

Don't know who they are, but jealousy is an ugly colour on anyone. With all the difficulties you face, the forum is clearly one of the good things going for you and something you enjoy; a coping mechanism as you say. It is cruel to try to take that away. They need to try not being judgmental, especially of someone who is only trying to help despite personal struggles. Everyone has problems in their lives, everyone deals with them differently. And everyone deserves kindness. A little of it goes a long way.

People need to remember that if you can't say anything nice or helpful, it's better not to say anything at all.

 

[TheRealCallie]

EVERYONE has problems that people don't know about. If someone actually thinks anyone's life is perfect (whether on this forum or not), they are delusional. Some problems may be "worse" than others, but really, it's about how equipped you are to deal with them and how much the problem bothers you, no matter how big or small said problem is.

But, that's not the real reason I'm posting in this thread. Yes, people talk **** about you.....people talk **** about lots of people, that's just a fact of life. One more area of life you need to learn how to deal with, because that's, frankly, human nature. Perhaps it is jealousy, perhaps it's something else, but you can't really know WHY they do it and honestly, it's not really your business. I don't mean that in a cruel way, but that's the blunt explanation of it. It's NOT your business what other people say about you. What IS your business if how much you let it bother you. THAT part is on you. You don't have to let it hurt you. The fact that you do....well, people can call me a bitch all they want for this, but that's on you, not them. Most people who talk **** do it because they WANT to hurt you, they WANT to see you struggle, they WANT to see you....well, do this. So really, you're likely just giving them what they want.

So, I suppose long story short...and I don't intend it to be mean....get over it, because you're playing right into their hands.

 

[Aisha]

^ "Get over it" is the easiest thing to say when you're not in someone else's shoes. Yes callie, that was mean. I don't think LF is playing into anyone's hands as much as you are with that post. If that is what you felt you needed to say, perhaps it would have been better said in a PM and not in public where other people would be satisfied and maybe smug at seeing you put someone down after they've already mentioned they feel hurt. I appreciate your bluntness and honesty often, as would many others on here, but not everyone can regard everything as objectively or in as distant a manner as you or shrug things off as easily, and sometimes you need to bear that in mind. You are right, as usual. People will talk. But a little discreetness when delivering your message even if it's truthful would probably be appreciated sometimes. And no, that's not the same thing as 'coddling' people.
Also, this isn't a thread by a newbie complaining about 'favouritism' or some such thing on the forum, this is a thread by someone who has been here for years, and has posted more than almost anyone else. If she has reached the point where she feels she cannot take anymore and has to say something, there is a reason for it. Getting over it is useless advice at this point.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Actually, it's not useless advice and also, please point out where I said it is easy to accomplish? Sometimes it's as simple as letting it go, "suffering in silence" or talking about it with people you are close to....but THIS doesn't do anything except fuel their fire.
And I may not be in her shoes, but I am in my own. I've been there damn near my entire life and I've seen others go through it....hell, I've even been on the other side of it, once upon a time. So while not everyone will deal with it the same, it doesn't change the schematics of a situation like this.

As I said, I know some will think I'm being mean or whatever, but the truth of the matter is that she IS playing into their hands just by writing this post. This is what they want, to know they hurt her, to know they can get to her and she proved that they can by everything she wrote.

I've said this more than once on this forum and in real life and I get **** for it every time because people seem to think I'm saying it's easy to do, but I have never and will never say that. Plain and simple, if you give them what they want, they aren't going to stop.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Haters gonna hate, right. That's pretty much how I try to look at it now. People want to talk **** then that is their problem, they are the ones with a stick up their ass. You don't have to be the one to pull it out.

At least you contribute to the forum, its not like you are posting nonsense for the sake of posting nonsense. Most of these people who are saying nasty things about you probably shouldn't be throwing stones in glass houses either. That's what I've learned by hearing/seeing people doing this over the years, not just here either it happens on all forums no matter what the topic. People who do this stuff need to check themselves first because they don't do themselves any favours at all.

 

[Peaches]

Dear LadyForsaken, whoever reached the assumptions you mention about you (I have no clue of who they are so I am not taking sides) must be
a) retarded and
b) really lazy because they wouldn't bother to read your previous threads or posts, where the whole story was laid out clear
and I am sorry that they hurt you out of superficiality.

Anyway I am very happy that you are taking a stand for yourself, and if you decided to go public with it I am sure you have good reasons and that you couldn't take it anymore (and why should you?). I know that people will be people, and there will always be some haters, but from what you say they missed the point so spectacularly that it's important to set them straight. At least may one be hated for things that are actually real..

 

[Nuzzy Nuz]

People judge too fast. Come to conclusions too early. *hugs*
Sorry, I don't exactly know what is going on here because i have not been here for a long time.
Guess i missed something.
Anyway don't be too hurt.
Nice to see you standing up for yourself. Keep being strong.

 

[Aisha]

Actually, it's not useless advice and also, please point out where I said it is easy to accomplish? Sometimes it's as simple as letting it go, "suffering in silence" or talking about it with people you are close to....but THIS doesn't do anything except fuel their fire.
And I may not be in her shoes, but I am in my own. I've been there damn near my entire life and I've seen others go through it....hell, I've even been on the other side of it, once upon a time. So while not everyone will deal with it the same, it doesn't change the schematics of a situation like this.

As I said, I know some will think I'm being mean or whatever, but the truth of the matter is that she IS playing into their hands just by writing this post. This is what they want, to know they hurt her, to know they can get to her and she proved that they can by everything she wrote.

I've said this more than once on this forum and in real life and I get **** for it every time because people seem to think I'm saying it's easy to do, but I have never and will never say that. Plain and simple, if you give them what they want, they aren't going to stop.

I have already said I agree with you more often than not when you say people need to deal with things head on, and I know you wouldn't think or say it is easy to do. But there is a time and a place to say certain things. It's more who you're saying it to right now, than anything else. Someone who has dealt with life threatening illnesses on multiple occasions and is still managing to be positive and helpful to other people is not lacking in strength. If she wanted to complain about her suffering and her troubles it would only be too easy to do so. The one time that she does mention something that bothers her, 'get over it' is probably not the best reaction. People do suffer in silence, talk to people they're close to and try let things go, but everyone has a breaking point. Maybe your threshold is just higher than everyone else's.

 

[TheRealCallie]

There's one thing I don't quite understand about what you're saying.

This.....

Perhaps it is jealousy, perhaps it's something else, but you can't really know WHY they do it and honestly, it's not really your business. I don't mean that in a cruel way, but that's the blunt explanation of it. It's NOT your business what other people say about you. What IS your business if how much you let it bother you. THAT part is on you. You don't have to let it hurt you. The fact that you do....well, people can call me a bitch all they want for this, but that's on you, not them. Most people who talk **** do it because they WANT to hurt you, they WANT to see you struggle, they WANT to see you....well, do this. So really, you're likely just giving them what they want.

Is saying the same exact thing as this...

So, I suppose long story short...and I don't intend it to be mean....get over it, because you're playing right into their hands.

The former paragraph is just nicer and more long winded than the latter. They mean the same thing....hence the "long story short" part of the sentence.

But no, if something is bothering someone, at some point they probably should say something, but the fact that LF said flat out, a few times in her post that they hurt her, that doesn't help jack ****. It will likely only make it worse because they know they have power over her now.

So whether I say it nicely or say it bluntly, it all boils down the same thing. Doesn't matter how I say it, or how anyone says it. It is what it is.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

My dear Lady,

I didn't know much about you personally until I read this post. But I have to say, I have always seen you as a beautiful personality, because of the way you gracefully carry yourself on this forum. It really is a breath of fresh air most days.

I don't think people realize exactly how hard others work to find where they feel they fit on here. None of us start at the top.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Thank you everyone for responding, I wasn't expecting this at all. I appreciate all the support and kind words and advice given.

I just wanted to clear something up. The people I'm referring to at the moment are not just random haters. If they were, I would've easily let it slide and not be bothered by it much like I always have been doing. These people are those who have known me for a couple of years, people I've opened up to, and I don't just open up to anyone. These are people I thought who would have my back because they have shown mutual concern and care so far. Now, despite knowing some of my situation, they still decide to judge me based on my surface acts.

The main purpose of my original post, as I mentioned in it as well, is to create awareness not just to people in general who do tend to form an opinion of me based on what they see on the surface, but to these people who have pretty much betrayed me and backstabbed me in ways I never imagined they would do.

I always believe in being upfront and honest in any kind of relationships that are closer than any acquaintance for me, especially the ones that have been built over years. I believe in open communication and confrontation if there are any issues. I'd be more than glad to talk things out personally with these people but they have left me with no means to do so.

At the same time, I really needed this outlet to let off some steam. There is only so much I can take.. and this is also partly me venting. I just want these people and others to know what my situation is like so they stop assuming and stop poking at me every ******* time they get the chance to. If I can reduce the hits, I'd take that chance. I want it to stop, maybe it won't entirely, but how will some even stop if I don't tell them about it or make it known? I'm not gonna suffer in silence.

Yeah, I'm well aware that I am in control of how I deal with it. As we speak, I am feeling better. I'm moving on. Partly because I've managed to let it out in my original post. I'm not wallowing here and bawling my eyes out. It hurt me, yes, but I am getting over it. That's not the main point here though.

The point is, I want them to know how I feel about their actions. This is more for me and my sake, than it is for them. I don't want them to be apologetic or feel sorry for me or remorseful or whatever, I couldn't give a **** about all that. And they can think that I'm playing into their hands all they want, I don't care. I know I'm not and I know this means the end of whatever interaction we've had. I just wanted to get this out there as my final word.

Whether these people stop or not, so be it. I'll find ways to deal on my own, as I always do and always have been. It's just this time, I felt the need to speak up.

 

[Rainbows]

LadyF, I don't defend a lot of people - but you are one of the few people I would defend to the moon. If they have an issue with you, they should take it up with me instead of taking it to a person who is struggling so hard. People are probably just jealous that you can be so nice and they are bittered to the bone.

 

[BeyondShy]

Whether these people stop or not, so be it. I'll find ways to deal on my own, as I always do and always have been. It's just this time, I felt the need to speak up.

Good for you ladyforsaken. You don't deserve any of what you have been going through because you are a decent and kind person. I don't understand why you have been attacked because you always seem to have a kind word for everyone.

---

But no, if something is bothering someone, at some point they probably should say something, but the fact that LF said flat out, a few times in her post that they hurt her, that doesn't help jack ****. It will likely only make it worse because they know they have power over her now.

So whether I say it nicely or say it bluntly, it all boils down the same thing. Doesn't matter how I say it, or how anyone says it. It is what it is.

I understand what you mean. The people that drove her to make this thread must be congratulating themselves now because they made her feel bad enough to write it.

 

[itsmylife]

LadyF you are awesome, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

I'm sorry you have been made to feel this way.

 

[Cataplasme]

Well, I've not been here since a long time and to be honest I have not idea what's going what so ever so I'm not sure why you would need to make this post but I guess if you did, it means you had to because of some people being ***** to you, which is sad.
But anyway, I think you are a person I actually appreciate here and I hope your life will get better.