My self hatred

[rocky243]

I feel like everything I say is offending someone and end up having thoughts of them hating me, thinking i'm annoying, weird, or even stupid. Maybe it's because of this i'm having a hard time making friends. Whenever I go out I always have to have someone with me fearing that I will make someone mad, or publicly embarrassing myself in front of everyone. The person is usually a close family which really is my sister or mom, and a friend or a close person is probably worse then anything. Even if it's the smallest thing I end up being extremely depressed, crying, self loathing, and end up doing this for about a month. Sometimes this self hating ends up being for nothing because I never did hurt or offend anyone, but even so I feel like I could of done better and not had done what I did. Sometimes it's not something I said, and it's my gestures, or what I did.

I kinda found a way to escape it and it's the internet, but ended up being in the same situation. Having a conversation on the internet may be easier for me but I still have these thoughts and beat myself to it. Talking to someone online may be easier since you can somewhat remain Anonymous, but you can still get judged. I found some nice people to talk to but even so it's not enough, I still get these thoughts. These thoughts hurts so bad that I sometimes cry myself to sleep or even want to hurt myself, but I never could do something like that because i know it will make everything worse. I'm happy that I found these nice people but i'm scared I will lose them like I did with a lot of other people and i'm thankful for this one person that cared. But i'm scared it will be the same with all the other people i had meant online or in the real world. That they will end up leaving me, distancing, or hate me.


Thank you for taking your time to read this and i don't know what point i'm making, but it makes me feel better to just share it with other people. I tried many things to get rid of my self hating but I can't and it never helped me at all.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

hey Rocky243,

To be brutally honest, I've felt exactly the same way as you, in the past, and even sometimes these days.

I tend to be a bit outspoken and rash, so sometimes, I will say or do something that is rude, offensive, or just plain cruel, and it isn't what I mean at all. After I say or do something like that, I will clam up, and stay in my room for days at a time, rolling the memory of my mistake, over and over, in my mind. I would beat myself up mercilessly over the stupidest things.

I remember one time, vividly. This is completely true, and makes me sweat bullets just to even recount it.
My family was having dinner. And my father asked me for a glass of water. It was April 1st (april fools day.) I decided in my infinite wisdom of 12 years old, that pouring a cup of vinegar in his water would be so very funny. I brought it to him, he looked at me funny for it having took me a longish time to simply get some water. He took a drink of it, and turned purple, sputtering and coughing all over the table. He was nearly choking to death, and we had to take him to the hospital to get medicine because he had pulled a muscle from the choking.

Suffice to say, that was one of the first times that I ended up crying myself to sleep for weeks. Almost killing my father with some vinegar.
I realize now that it had basically no chance of 'killing' him, but at the time, and the way my mother yelled and yelled, screaming all over the house (she is bi-polar, and at the time, un-medicated) as she stomped on the floors, and pounded on my bedroom door, saying that I was a terrible son, and that that was a cruel and horrifying thing to do to the people that brought me into this world, and could 'take me out of it just as easily'.

Augh. My eyes are watering just thinking about it. Suffice to say, I understand the fear of making mistakes with people.

/rant

 

[rocky243]

hey Rocky243,

To be brutally honest, I've felt exactly the same way as you, in the past, and even sometimes these days.

I tend to be a bit outspoken and rash, so sometimes, I will say or do something that is rude, offensive, or just plain cruel, and it isn't what I mean at all. After I say or do something like that, I will clam up, and stay in my room for days at a time, rolling the memory of my mistake, over and over, in my mind. I would beat myself up mercilessly over the stupidest things.

I remember one time, vividly. This is completely true, and makes me sweat bullets just to even recount it.
My family was having dinner. And my father asked me for a glass of water. It was April 1st (april fools day.) I decided in my infinite wisdom of 12 years old, that pouring a cup of vinegar in his water would be so very funny. I brought it to him, he looked at me funny for it having took me a longish time to simply get some water. He took a drink of it, and turned purple, sputtering and coughing all over the table. He was nearly choking to death, and we had to take him to the hospital to get medicine because he had pulled a muscle from the choking.

Suffice to say, that was one of the first times that I ended up crying myself to sleep for weeks. Almost killing my father with some vinegar.
I realize now that it had basically no chance of 'killing' him, but at the time, and the way my mother yelled and yelled, screaming all over the house (she is bi-polar, and at the time, un-medicated) as she stomped on the floors, and pounded on my bedroom door, saying that I was a terrible son, and that that was a cruel and horrifying thing to do to the people that brought me into this world, and could 'take me out of it just as easily'.

Augh. My eyes are watering just thinking about it. Suffice to say, I understand the fear of making mistakes with people.

/rant

It's nice to know someone out there experiences the same things, and I now end up trying to learn from my little mistakes to be a better person, though I don't think that will ever happen.
You know as they say "think before you act". That's basically what I end up doing now.

 

[SlayerHendrix]

I feel the same you do too. I always, ALWAYS unintentionally piss of others or I always kill conversations or otherwise make them awkward. It sucks. If I get worried about offending or otherwise accidentally hurting others verbally then I always end up coming across as too shy or awkward, but if i don't refrain from saying things I end up coming across as annoying or arrogant, which causes pretty much everyone I come in contact with to leave me or hate me. I have trouble finding the grey area between being too shy or too loud, and I think if I did, it would help. It could help you too But regardless you're definetely not alone in this

 

[perfanoff]

I used to have a hard case of that. I still get that, mostly only with women and family nowadays.

A true man draws most of his confidence from himself - he can see the whole world burn around him but he will be the last one to tilt. He provides and draws strength from within as opposed to from others. That is what I'm personally striving to be like.