so basically this is the somewhat abridged story of what i'm dealing with right now. i do need someone to talk to, and i'm tired of talking to my parents about all this. my complaints basically haven't changed the last 5.5 years, and i've stopped benefiting really from their advice. i'll try and not get too scattered with erroneous details, mind you. so this started with a car accident my freshman year of college. no foul play was involved, but i was driving and had a passenger/friend that was more affected than i. so i have that on my conscience (i don't really take responsibility for that...i was an irresponsible driver and didn't pay the attention i should have to icy road conditions, but i was young and inexperienced with that...**** happens), though i'm not looking for any consolation regarding that. i've gone thru therapy and stuff for that. so this accident has changed the way i act sometimes, not to mention my ability to speak clearly or play sports. these factors have made getting a job tough too. i'm so weird sometimes. it can be well received, but it is not something people like to deal with on a more permanent basis. i'm 24 years old now and am back in grad school basically because i am not confident in my ability to perform/i don't have the ability to perform/i didn't find work when i got my bachelor's in dec 2008. (when i talk about my inability to perform in a work environment, i'm being serious. my attention easily diverts, i am a slow writer, and i get so awkward in most social situations.)
for work this summer i was a counselor at a (wholesome...too wholesome) summer camp. camp is usually a place where relationships formed are strong and can be very special and lasting. i'm not claiming to have made no friends, but my last couple days there i was distant and didn't end things right with almost everyone. and while i was there, i didn't get along well with most, though i had some 'me' fans. right now though (i'm lonely/need a friend), i have no one to talk with. not only from camp, but from anywhere really. i could call a couple of kids from high school, but it would be an awkward situation with almost anyone, them included. and this is what i'm really worried about now. i don't interact well with anyone. girls sometimes, but not always. i was told this summer that 'no one really cares for your soul here' (context: i was kind of with this girl, but i deviated from that pretty blatantly one night and she was hurt. it was her way of getting back at me, but that doesn't change what she said/that she had those thoughts.)
basically though i feel like i have so much good to share with others, hypothetically speaking. i say that because when it comes down to it, i kind of revel in being an ass. i have come to enjoy being a lone wolf (NOT a loner! I hate this language, a kid this summer was trying to advise/consol me and in the process let it slip that people think i'm a loner. i had never come across this language before, and i was hot. so i called my mom and she said 'yeah, i can see how people would say that'), but then i come to the point where i realize that i have no one. maybe i'll call somebody i knew a long time ago, but then it'll come to the point where i can't communicate what i'm feeling thanks to my damn brain injury. and if i do get through what i want, it takes a while.
so basically this is where i'm at right now. it does help to write about it, but maybe that's the beer talking. see, i claim to be such a good person, but really there are some pretty serious issues i constantly deal with. i smoke cigs alone, i drink beer alone, i watch porn ALONE if i'm not getting any (which is a lot of the time, i've had sex with 8 girls in like 6 years.) this is all in moderation though, i start to feel like a bad person and i really do try to curb all of these habits down to manageable levels.
alright well if you can make sense of my ramblings, i'd appreciate any words you might have. thanks.
for work this summer i was a counselor at a (wholesome...too wholesome) summer camp. camp is usually a place where relationships formed are strong and can be very special and lasting. i'm not claiming to have made no friends, but my last couple days there i was distant and didn't end things right with almost everyone. and while i was there, i didn't get along well with most, though i had some 'me' fans. right now though (i'm lonely/need a friend), i have no one to talk with. not only from camp, but from anywhere really. i could call a couple of kids from high school, but it would be an awkward situation with almost anyone, them included. and this is what i'm really worried about now. i don't interact well with anyone. girls sometimes, but not always. i was told this summer that 'no one really cares for your soul here' (context: i was kind of with this girl, but i deviated from that pretty blatantly one night and she was hurt. it was her way of getting back at me, but that doesn't change what she said/that she had those thoughts.)
basically though i feel like i have so much good to share with others, hypothetically speaking. i say that because when it comes down to it, i kind of revel in being an ass. i have come to enjoy being a lone wolf (NOT a loner! I hate this language, a kid this summer was trying to advise/consol me and in the process let it slip that people think i'm a loner. i had never come across this language before, and i was hot. so i called my mom and she said 'yeah, i can see how people would say that'), but then i come to the point where i realize that i have no one. maybe i'll call somebody i knew a long time ago, but then it'll come to the point where i can't communicate what i'm feeling thanks to my damn brain injury. and if i do get through what i want, it takes a while.
so basically this is where i'm at right now. it does help to write about it, but maybe that's the beer talking. see, i claim to be such a good person, but really there are some pretty serious issues i constantly deal with. i smoke cigs alone, i drink beer alone, i watch porn ALONE if i'm not getting any (which is a lot of the time, i've had sex with 8 girls in like 6 years.) this is all in moderation though, i start to feel like a bad person and i really do try to curb all of these habits down to manageable levels.
alright well if you can make sense of my ramblings, i'd appreciate any words you might have. thanks.
Oomph!
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/s/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
