For the past few years I've been battling anxiety and depression. My current job is a major contributor to this. About 10 months ago I got a seemingly nice job (or so I thought at the time) at my local hospital in the IT department. I help maintain our client computers and perform other various IT tasks. It's your typical 9-5 job with the occasional clusterf*** that requires you to put in some extra hours. And also on-call rotations. For those of you who don't know what call rotations are, allow me to explain. When you're on-call, you're essentially tethered to your job after hours. Depending on the needs of the organization, you could be on-call for just a few hours after hours, or you could be like me and have work crawl into bed with you at night and wake you up at 3am complaining about how your software has encountered some kind of fatal error because it's absolute garbage and requires your and the software developer's immediate attention. (Sorry for the digression.)
Anyway, I don't really have a problem with any of the work, except for the on-call part (which I'm not compensated for). As someone who's grappled with anxiety at a very young age--anxiety based on the uncertainty of impending abandonment, followed by a death of an immediate family member, I still have problems with it to this day. Being on-call is like reliving that nightmare I thought was in my past; buried and forgotten. I know that everything I feel is in my mind, but the mind is reality, and in my reality this particular thing is a major source of my stress, anxiety and depression. I've tried many different ways of coping with being on-call, but nothing changes the fact that I'm at the mercy of awful software and dumb, ignorant users.
For several months now, I've been trying to eliminate the causes of stress, anxiety and depression in my life. I determined that getting a different job, one that doesn't have call rotations, would benefit me greatly. The problem is that the job market where I live is very small, and getting a job locally is usually more about who you know rather than your credentials. That said, I've been trying to look for work elsewhere--the West Coast specifically. I haven't had much luck with that. I work in the IT field now, but ultimately I want to work in the entertainment industry as a 3D artist. The only reason why I have a job in the IT field now is because I'm very savvy with technology and I learn quickly.
I thought about going (back) to college for digital art and visual effects. I figure this would be good for me because I'd be able to allocate much more of my time learning about the career path I want to pursue. I was attending an online school not too long ago, but that all fell through due to financial hardship. It was a lousy school and I don't really have anything to show for it except for unpaid tuition and student loan debt. If I were to go back to college again, I would do it in person, on campus, and out-of-state. The only problem with this plan though is cost. How would I pay for car insurance and maintenance, rent, and food? How would I manage my existing debt? I doubt I would receive much in the way of federal aid. I suppose I could get a part-time job somewhere to help cover the cost of at least the first few items.
College was one of my ideas to escape my current situation. My other idea was to just find another job locally, pay off some of my debt, and save a little to eventually move to the West Coast and wow an employer in the entertainment industry with my demo reel, all while learning 3D art on the side. The problem is I have a hard time staying motivated at my current job because I'm constantly thinking about having to be on-call. It's like a rain cloud that follows me around everywhere that thunderstorms when I'm on-call again. The entire job is very demoralizing, but to a small degree, tolerable. However, sometimes I'm too depressed to do anything. Sometimes, I'll go home and sleep till the next morning.
I wish I knew what to do. I've thought about running away so many times. Just getting into my car after work and driving far, far away from this city, this state, my life. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't handle this job anymore, but I can't quit either. I just turned 21, but I feel so dislocated from where and what I want to be in life. I feel completely trapped. What should I do?
Anyway, I don't really have a problem with any of the work, except for the on-call part (which I'm not compensated for). As someone who's grappled with anxiety at a very young age--anxiety based on the uncertainty of impending abandonment, followed by a death of an immediate family member, I still have problems with it to this day. Being on-call is like reliving that nightmare I thought was in my past; buried and forgotten. I know that everything I feel is in my mind, but the mind is reality, and in my reality this particular thing is a major source of my stress, anxiety and depression. I've tried many different ways of coping with being on-call, but nothing changes the fact that I'm at the mercy of awful software and dumb, ignorant users.
For several months now, I've been trying to eliminate the causes of stress, anxiety and depression in my life. I determined that getting a different job, one that doesn't have call rotations, would benefit me greatly. The problem is that the job market where I live is very small, and getting a job locally is usually more about who you know rather than your credentials. That said, I've been trying to look for work elsewhere--the West Coast specifically. I haven't had much luck with that. I work in the IT field now, but ultimately I want to work in the entertainment industry as a 3D artist. The only reason why I have a job in the IT field now is because I'm very savvy with technology and I learn quickly.
I thought about going (back) to college for digital art and visual effects. I figure this would be good for me because I'd be able to allocate much more of my time learning about the career path I want to pursue. I was attending an online school not too long ago, but that all fell through due to financial hardship. It was a lousy school and I don't really have anything to show for it except for unpaid tuition and student loan debt. If I were to go back to college again, I would do it in person, on campus, and out-of-state. The only problem with this plan though is cost. How would I pay for car insurance and maintenance, rent, and food? How would I manage my existing debt? I doubt I would receive much in the way of federal aid. I suppose I could get a part-time job somewhere to help cover the cost of at least the first few items.
College was one of my ideas to escape my current situation. My other idea was to just find another job locally, pay off some of my debt, and save a little to eventually move to the West Coast and wow an employer in the entertainment industry with my demo reel, all while learning 3D art on the side. The problem is I have a hard time staying motivated at my current job because I'm constantly thinking about having to be on-call. It's like a rain cloud that follows me around everywhere that thunderstorms when I'm on-call again. The entire job is very demoralizing, but to a small degree, tolerable. However, sometimes I'm too depressed to do anything. Sometimes, I'll go home and sleep till the next morning.
I wish I knew what to do. I've thought about running away so many times. Just getting into my car after work and driving far, far away from this city, this state, my life. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't handle this job anymore, but I can't quit either. I just turned 21, but I feel so dislocated from where and what I want to be in life. I feel completely trapped. What should I do?
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/s/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
