Need love and companionship

[estar]

Hello, I used to be a member here back in 2010. I met my boyfriend on this forum 8 years ago. For 8 years he has been my only companion and I was grateful that the stars had aligned that that our lonely souls had connected and met from here and that we were together.

But we were going to get married soon, everything was hopeful, I was finally going to escape from my abusive family, I was finally going to escape from my abusive household, I was finally going to escape 28 years of toxic life and leave my old life behind and start a new happy life full of love with my "soon to be husband". I was finally going to marry the person I wanted to dedicate all my heart and soul and love to, finally we were going to get married and live together happily with love in a peaceful and clean and safe environment but now it seems he doesn't want to marry me after all, he's not able to love me anymore despite me giving him all of my energy, all of my soul, all of my heart, all my love, all my body (8 years in a relationship and he finally "took" my virginity just weeks ago) I gave him my heart, my soul, my virginity, my body, my devotion, my dedication, my energy, my spirituality, my whole existence, my whole being, my entire life is centered around him yet it's not "enough".

I have a universe of love to give, I have so much infinite love to give but it's not enough is it? So many lonely guys on here wanting a girlfriend, wanting a girl, well he was one of those guys but after 8 years of me being his companion and preventing him from being "one of those guys on Lonely Life Forum who is lonely" for 8 years I've been his loving companion and for what....I feel unloved, uncared about, unappreciated for 8 years of love and devotion I've given this guy who was lonely. That's how we met, on this forum, but it seems that after 8 years, he actually *prefers* to be lonely than to be with me. How worthless must my love be if a lonely guy from The Lonely Life forum who had excruciating loneliness actually *prefers* to be alone now and to discard me? I'm not worthless, I have so much beautiful love and devotion to give, I guess he changed his mind about loneliness and maybe he prefers loneliness than to have a woman's infinite love and devotion and I offer him everything, so much love, so much devotion, so much friendship, mindblowing orgasms to give him (without getting any pleasure myself in return even), so much deep companionship but it's still not good enough is it? No matter how much I give, it's never enough is it? He's like a soulmate to me, despite us meeting on this forum, we have so many things in common that it's unreal how much in common we have, as if we are "twin flames" or whatever, he is so indescribably special to me but I guess I'm just a worthless piece of garbage that nobody loves. How we met on this forum was nothing short of a miracle, it can only be described as "the stars aligning".....literally soulmates, I dreamt about him before we met, I KNEW his name before he told me what his name was, we are as close to soulmates as you can get but it's STILL NOT ENOUGH IS IT? But it's still not good enough is it? My soulmate-type of love and devotion is still not "enough love" is it? Despite meeting my soulmate on this forum, despite me giving him my entire existence, my life force, he is the center of my universe, the center of my life, I've given him my life and my soul and all my being but it's still not good enough is it? It's not enough? So many lonely guys on here would kill for even a scrap of the love and devotion and companionship I've given him? Is he not grateful anymore? Did he forget that he was a member on this forum, that he had excruciating painful loneliness and that I cured his excruciating loneliness and that for 8 years I've been his constant devoted loving companion who wants to be his wife and to love him and take care of him and give him all my heart and soul? I guess after 8 years, he forgot how it's like to be lonely so now he just takes me for granted and is not interested in my love or companionship anymore.

Nobody on this planet loves me. I have no friends, I have no family, I have no job, I have no money, I have no home, I'm currently staying at a hotel that my boyfriend had paid for (before he decided that he doesn't want to love me anymore) so after the hotel days are over, I will be homeless in less than 2 months and I don't know what is going to happen to me. The plan was for us to get married soon so I would have the appropriate visa (since he's in another country) so I can live with him (and obviously because NOTHING in my life matters more to me than him and he is my life and I wanted to marry him to LOVE him for the rest of my life) but it seems like he is dumping our relationship plans in the garbage. So now I'm extremely scared of my life, because I have nobody. I have no friends, I have no family, I have lived my entire life with emotional abuse and toxic environments. I have no home, I have nowhere to belong, I will be homeless. He promised me that we would marry soon, we had just gotten engaged, the plan was for us to get married SOON and for us to live together before I end up homeless on the street but now he's dropping me like I'm meant for the garbage dumpster. He is literally throwing me into the garbage dumpster at this point. So I'm just going to be homeless and alone too with nobody to love or be loved.

I have excruciating loneliness inside me. I am alone on this planet. I have nobody who loves me or who thinks I'm special. I have so much love to give, so much romantic love and devotion, I have so much devotion but nobody wants my love? How ironic when there are lonely guys wanting someone's love but then when I have so much love to give, nobody wants my love? I am made to believe that my love is worthless or that my love has very little value.

He is the only reason why I have kept myself alive, for him, for him, for him, to give him the love and devotion and companionship and to be his loving wife and devoted lover, that was why I have kept myself alive for these 8 years. But now what? Now what? That he no longer wants me around? Now what? He was my entire universe, my entire center of my life, I only kept myself alive for him to DEDICATE myself to LOVING HIM because that is all I want to do is to love and love and love someone. Some people dream of being entrepaneurs and be successful business owners, some people dream to have children and raise them, my dream is to love someone deeply and intensely and take care of someone's heart and for them to take care of my heart and to find deep loving connections that come from the heart, deep genuine true connections but I guess my love has little value to my boyfriend (or whatever he is at this point) or to anyone. All I ever wanted was to make deep genuine connections, to connect with someone deeply with love, to have genuine love in my life. But sadly I was falsely made to believe that I had a chance at it. I don't have anyone in my life. I don't have anything in my life. 

The problem that I have is that I'm a deeply spiritual person, metaphysical person, someone who thinks deeply about the universe and reality and the unseen and I always want deep meaning in my life, deep meaning in relationships, have a deep connection that connects to the heart and to have true genuine love in my life. So just focusing on basic survival like money and food is not good enough for me. I have no desire to live if there is no meaning in my life, if I'm only keeping myself alive just to keep my organs running, just shoving food in my mouth just to keep my organs functioning. I don't want to exist just for basic survival. I will be homeless soon, I have no idea where I'm going to live, I have no idea where I'm going to be in less than 2 months. 


I thought that after 28 years of living in an abusive household with abusive toxic family, that I was FINALLY GOING TO BE FREE, that I was finally going to escape....but I guess that was a false hope.....I guess I have to go back to that toxic environment again.....I'm completely stuck in my life.....I have no positive options in my life......I'm scared of dying and killing myself and what would happen after I kill myself, if I might end up in a hellish afterlife or reincarnate in another miserable lonely life? So I feel very stuck with my existence and my life.

Anyone is welcomed to send me a message about anything. I'm a completely lonely person, I have nobody to talk to, the only person I would talk to was my boyfriend of 8 years (who was only my fiance for less than a month before he decided he doesn't want me in his life after all, unless it's to be "just friends"). He was the only person I ever talked to and communicated for 8 years since we met on this forum, before that I have NOBODY. So he has been my only friend/boyfriend/partner/companion for all this time but now I have nobody again? Now I'm alone again? And I know there is a lot of talk of dependency in my message. I struggle with independence and depression and loneliness and honeysuckle. I know that I need to improve myself further, I know that I need to take care of myself and seek self-improvement because it's not healthy to be stagnant all my life.

So I guess I'm a returning member because I'm lonely on this planet, I have nobody to talk with or even pass time with so if anyone wants to send me a message, you can, anyone at all.

 

[user 150037]

The other night I started thinking about how rare it is that somebody even hugs me - the fact that I've never experienced the warmth of a woman's lips or shared a cuddle in bed in the comfort of her own body heat drives me crazy. I often think at least some who are single at my age have a history - however by reading your post I take perspective that having a history of intimacy and companionship doesn't really stop you from being lonely in the present.

I don't really know how I personally can make you feel better when I struggle to make myself feel better - but I just want you to know that you're not alone on this planet. Do you fantasize much? Cos that helps me a little.

 

[Jessicat]

I’m sorry for what you are experiencing. 
I know just how an abusive upbringing makes you broken and in desperate need of someone, when the thought of just standing on your own feet makes you scared to death. I don’t know if you feel this but it’s like not having a self. The you that you should have been does not exist. 
I hope you try and press on. The only way you will find out if life has some good stuff waiting for you is to keep on going. 
Il be sending good thoughts your way.

 

[Guzheng]

I thought I found my soulmate too, and we broke up after only 3 months. I couldn't make sense of it either. We both saw each other as the perfect companion and looked forward to spending the rest of our lives together. Then she suddenly changed her mind about me, and I was really shocked that we couldn't overcome even the simple problem that occurred between us. I thought that both of us were much stronger than that.

The consequences aren't so dire for me financially. I am going to keep living with my parents for the rest of their lives, they are a bit negative sometimes but not abusive. The emotional toll this has taken, however, is pretty severe. I cannot get over the fact that I had a chance to escape from my mundane and predictable family and friends and do interesting things with a fascinating and wonderful person. It hurts a lot to have someone give you all that hope and then take it away. I feel stupid for having had all these positive visions of my future; they seem so unrealistic now.

---

I’m sorry for what you are experiencing. 
I know just how an abusive upbringing makes you broken and in desperate need of someone, when the thought of just standing on your own feet makes you scared to death. I don’t know if you feel this but it’s like not having a self. The you that you should have been does not exist. 
I hope you try and press on. The only way you will find out if life has some good stuff waiting for you is to keep on going. 
Il be sending good thoughts your way.

While I didn't have an abusive upbringing, I wasn't taught to be independent.  Lately I am getting a lot of feelings of "not having a self".  People always tell me that I am a selfless person.  That seems to be my problem - looking back, I always imitated others and only thought about how I could be helpful to them and now I'm unsure of who I am as a person and what my needs are.

 

[Jessicat]

Guzheng.
Imitation comes easy for me. Most of the time I’m just forcing some positive emotions into me. Wierd not really feeling or knowing what you are, who you are. Used to think that I was going batshit crazy when I started to notice this.
Maybe I am.

 

[DeepTxWater]

You mentioned that this was an 8 year relationship and that it was only recently that he "took" your virginity. I don't know exactly what you mean by "took", but it seems that may have been his only motivation. He's not worth your time or trouble. You are not worthless and if a devoted and loving relationship is what you want, it's still a realistic possibility. But it does mean you have to pull yourself together and press on. Easier said than done, I know. But what other choice do you have?
If going back home is a possibility then that solves your homelessness problem and that sounds like your most pressing issue. I don't know your age but I gather you're young so you have that on your side. Try to make a plan that gets you to the point where you can be self sufficient. When that's more under your own control you'll be more able to look at potential significant others more cautiously. I hope you find peace and safety.

 

[Xpendable]

I don't understand the 8 years thing.

 

[BrokenHead]

In my opinion, I don't think you can love another person until you can love yourself.
You cannot rely on another person or persons to make you happy.
You cannot make anyone else happy until you make yourself happy.
I found my soul mate. Jesus I am so in love it's unreal.
But stress killed it.
We both have issues caused by stress because of her ex's abusive behaviour towards her and her kids.
So we are not together at this point.
She needs to sort her head out. I need to sort my head out.
I have a plan.
I need to get my head back in the right place. I need to get my life in order. Only then can I be what she needs me to be.
You need to have your own job, your own home, rely on you and you alone. I'm sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like a dick. Men just want sex. It's sad but true. If you meet someone new, no sex. If he is really into you that will not be an issue.
If I never had sex again, ever, I would still be head over heels in love with my partner. That's how I know this is real. Sex always ruins stuff. Don't get me wrong, the sex was mind blowing. But the mental connection, the love, do ration and respect I have for her is far more important.
Love yourself. Like yourself. Respect yourself. Only then can somebody truly love you.

 

[Jessicat]

In my opinion, I don't think you can love another person until you can love yourself.
You cannot rely on another person or persons to make you happy.
You cannot make anyone else happy until you make yourself happy.
I found my soul mate.  Jesus I am so in love it's unreal.
But stress killed it.
We both have issues caused by stress because of her ex's abusive behaviour towards her and her kids.
So we are not together at this point.
She needs to sort her head out. I need to sort my head out.
I have a plan.
I need to get my head back in the right place. I need to get my life in order. Only then can I be what she needs me to be.
You need to have your own job, your own home, rely on you and you alone. I'm sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like a dick. Men just want sex. It's sad but true. If you meet someone new, no sex. If he is really into you that will not be an issue.
If I never had sex again, ever, I would still be head over heels in love with my partner. That's how I know this is real. Sex always ruins stuff. Don't get me wrong, the sex was mind blowing.  But the mental connection, the love, do ration and respect I have for her is far more important.
Love yourself. Like yourself. Respect yourself. Only then can somebody truly love you.

Wow. 
I hope thats not true at all. 
Then what about all of us messed up ladies?
Can’t I love or be loved by someone if I don’t love myself? Or if I’m unable to stand alone, does that mean I’m doomed? 
Jeez, this is really bumming me out! *yup, laugh it off*
All men doesn’t just want sex. They differ in that area as much as ladies do. However, delaying sex in a new relationship? I think that is one of the biggest things that has to match with a new partner. Being stuck with someone that doesn’t fit your sexuality at all must be hell. I’d rather figuere that honeysuckle out real quick than waste time. But, that’s just my opinion.

 

[Silk24]

I can understand how are you feeling right now.I went through something similar to yours. giving yourself to someone special and then breaking up like that really hurt.but first I don't even believe how he can even do that.just because I love him beyond everything.
I feel really sorry for that.you will overcome soon.I hope you will be alright.

 

[FiftyFiveFeet]

First off, I hurt for you and your situation! I can relate on some level to your pain, though will not claim to have experienced something so heartbreaking. You are better off without this guy, and I trust me when I say you are better off finding out his true colors before marriage (I’ve been divorced because my ex wasn’t “honest” until after we were married).

I’m going to disagree with brokehead. I think it is important to love yourself, but I don’t think you have to love yourself before you love someone else. Sometimes you need a kind soul to show you that it is possible to love you unconditionally before you can accept loving yourself.

Don’t give up, “if today is as bad as it gets, know that you will wake up tomorrow and feel a little better”.