MentatsGhoul
Well-known member
So, bit of a long one. On my second day back to university about two weeks ago, my best (and only notable) friend sent me a cryptic message saying that she wanted to take a break from skype and the internet to focus on getting her life together, and that she'd "probably" talk to me again. It seemed very out of nowhere, and was most likely an effort to subtly "leave" me without the guilt or drama. It kinda pissed me off, so, I asked her to tell me straight up that she WILL come back, or to say goodbye, rather than play games. And... she said goodbye.
The funny thing is, we did fight, our friendship had ups and downs. We were both very broken people, that's the truth of it. But just a few days prior, I was going through a huge crisis due to anxiety. And she stuck by me. I've been somewhat traumatised by past friendships for reasons I won't go into, and, that moment was when I finally, finally felt secure with my friendship with her. And then to have her say goodbye all of a sudden just destroyed me. Not to mention, I was once again entering the year with no friends, new flatmates I hadn't met before, and general anxiety. It was the worst possible timing for her to decide to leave. And she was... quite possibly the person I've cared for most in my entire life, excluding family. I begged her not to go, I pleaded, I tried to bargain. I'm not proud of it, but... the alternative would have been to just selflessly say "I'll be fine, go". But that wouldn't have been the truth. I was left so vulnerable by it, that it could have easily ended terribly for me if I had a bad day or two. I didn't have the strength to just make myself a martyr again and lie that I'd be fine, just to make things easier for someone else.
Luckily, things have gone okay since. I've been going out, working relatively hard. Talk to someone almost every day, which might seem like nothing to most people, but to me, it's a pretty big deal. Talk to my parents more even. But I miss her. And I realised that I just drove her away more by being needy and paranoid. So... I decided I wouldn't just let it go, like every friend before me. I wrote her a letter.
In it, I didn't beg her to come back. I just told her I was doing fine, outlined some of the stuff I'm doing. And that I missed her. I didn't "need" her, but I couldn't just replace the friendship we had with another one, because no one would have our memories together, her sense of humour, our unique connection. I reminisced about some of our better moments, like the first time we met when I potentially talked her out of self-harm on another forum, or our first skype call. And that I wanted to talk and start over. I'll probably be fine without her, but she means a lot to me, and I'll miss her so much if we can't ever speak again.
I sent that letter a day or two ago. She hasn't responded. Kinda normal with her, considering she said she wanted to limit internet usage and tends to think these kinds of things through. But not gonna lie. I thought sending it would make me feel better. It's just making me nervous waiting for her to answer, even if that answer is a no. She might answer as soon as I post this thread, making it pointless. She might answer in a week. Or never. I just don't know. Will keep this thread updated if anyone is interested.
I just feel like I'm worthless, and a bad influence. I ruin every friendship I get. Everyone is worse for knowing me in the end. I just wish I could see things through, for once in my life. She was one of the few people who ever brought out the good in me. And I feel bad for trying to contact her and fix things. I don't think I can ever do things right, and that scares me.
The funny thing is, we did fight, our friendship had ups and downs. We were both very broken people, that's the truth of it. But just a few days prior, I was going through a huge crisis due to anxiety. And she stuck by me. I've been somewhat traumatised by past friendships for reasons I won't go into, and, that moment was when I finally, finally felt secure with my friendship with her. And then to have her say goodbye all of a sudden just destroyed me. Not to mention, I was once again entering the year with no friends, new flatmates I hadn't met before, and general anxiety. It was the worst possible timing for her to decide to leave. And she was... quite possibly the person I've cared for most in my entire life, excluding family. I begged her not to go, I pleaded, I tried to bargain. I'm not proud of it, but... the alternative would have been to just selflessly say "I'll be fine, go". But that wouldn't have been the truth. I was left so vulnerable by it, that it could have easily ended terribly for me if I had a bad day or two. I didn't have the strength to just make myself a martyr again and lie that I'd be fine, just to make things easier for someone else.
Luckily, things have gone okay since. I've been going out, working relatively hard. Talk to someone almost every day, which might seem like nothing to most people, but to me, it's a pretty big deal. Talk to my parents more even. But I miss her. And I realised that I just drove her away more by being needy and paranoid. So... I decided I wouldn't just let it go, like every friend before me. I wrote her a letter.
In it, I didn't beg her to come back. I just told her I was doing fine, outlined some of the stuff I'm doing. And that I missed her. I didn't "need" her, but I couldn't just replace the friendship we had with another one, because no one would have our memories together, her sense of humour, our unique connection. I reminisced about some of our better moments, like the first time we met when I potentially talked her out of self-harm on another forum, or our first skype call. And that I wanted to talk and start over. I'll probably be fine without her, but she means a lot to me, and I'll miss her so much if we can't ever speak again.
I sent that letter a day or two ago. She hasn't responded. Kinda normal with her, considering she said she wanted to limit internet usage and tends to think these kinds of things through. But not gonna lie. I thought sending it would make me feel better. It's just making me nervous waiting for her to answer, even if that answer is a no. She might answer as soon as I post this thread, making it pointless. She might answer in a week. Or never. I just don't know. Will keep this thread updated if anyone is interested.
I just feel like I'm worthless, and a bad influence. I ruin every friendship I get. Everyone is worse for knowing me in the end. I just wish I could see things through, for once in my life. She was one of the few people who ever brought out the good in me. And I feel bad for trying to contact her and fix things. I don't think I can ever do things right, and that scares me.