No need to read... very long story of what brought me to ALL...

[ladyforsaken]

I'm glad you're doing better - you're moving along faster than I ever could!

Yeah lol... faster than I ever could too.

 

[lostatsea]

Thanks guys. I think it's easier for me because of how different she is. Most relationship ends because people decide to just stop, but the people remain the same. So people can always cling to that hope of going back. I've stopped talking to her so many times before. But back then I always knew there was a chance we would talk again, and part of me would hope we would. I wanted to always be a part of her life. A part of her obviously wanted that too because she would always keep coming back.

But now I know that is never going to happen. The girl I knew is long gone in. She's become who she really is and that girl has very different goals and values in life. I could keep talking to her if I chose, but it would be a very fake superficial thing. When I spoke to her 5 days ago it just felt like I was bothering her. There was no laughter. She wasn't enjoying it. I wasn't having fun either. It would just be completely selfish of me to keep bothering her, and it wouldn't do me any good either.

Seeing how different she is and so quickly, flipped my entire view of her upside down. It hurt. But I think it also made it easier. The kindest thing she ever did for me was moving on completely, because when she did, the real her finally came out.

 

[Senamian]

I wish it were easy to just go back! If they did things would have turned out differently for someone I know - and for the better!

Somehow knowing how and why it would not have worked... Makes it easier. Because it allows you to push away that "wishful thought" of it working out. I know that first hand

 

[lostatsea]

I have never been so tempted to check up her accounts then now. Must resist.

 

[Senamian]

Just remember how you will feel...When you do check. You'll feel worse. You don't want to feel worse.

 

[ladyforsaken]

...and you will only end up going back to the starting line of moving on.

 

[lostatsea]

thanks, I know it's the last thing I should do. I've been sitting here for hours rolling around in bed. Can't sleep. Know what I shouldn't do. Just need to not do it.

 

[lostatsea]

Well the bad news is I was too weak. Couldn't take just laying there for 4 hours.

The good news is there's nothing I didn't already know. She's sad that the guy is now gone. She opened herself up to this, by getting attached to a guy she knew was leaving the country in a week. I also had the thought that all those sad songs she sang about me, are now dedicated to this very real man who has just left her life. But I think that's for the best too.

So I feel guilty for checking. But at the same time, a bit relieved? At the same time I still can't sleep, so I have no idea why I did that.

 

[Senamian]

It is actually really hard not to "check up" on people you care(d) about. Trust me

Just don't let it become a habit.. Try to find something to "replace" the desire to check however. I've used music (always have always will), as an output to the feelings. Find your output!

 

[lostatsea]

No once it happened. The floodgates opened. I was all over her pages various times throughout the day. I ruined everything. Lost the 5 days I stayed away. I saw her live casting and stopped in that too. She mentioned one tidbit about her giving him the best head in his life, and that was it and I felt my heart rate just skyrocket. I'm just a dumb weak person.

The only positives I had for today. My friend is starting to give me a very very stern outlook. Saying I asked him for help, and I keep going back and it's like a slap in the face. He will end my friendship if I don't start taking it seriously. I think that's kind of what I need. To stop making excuses. We figured out there are 3 areas of my life I need to improve myself in. 1)Romantic companionship 2)Get my Career back on track 3)Improve my self-esteem

Of those 3 things, the only thing I can easily directly control is #3. I never thought I was particularly good looking. But over the past years, it's turned into thinking I look completely ugly. I hate my appearance. I've had weight problems my entire life. I've tried losing weight, and have had lost a fair amount a few times only to gain it right back. But this time it has to stick. My brain is so pessimistic that it thinks even if I get into good shape I still won't be good looking. But it also knows that I will undoubtedly be better looking. I can also directly control this with exercise and diet. I ran again today. I need to start exercising regularly again. I've done it before when my head was on straight and lost a ton of weight. I just need to keep the follow through.

If I was an optimistic person I would look at my past. I have had girls like me, and think I look good. It is so hard for a girl to make that first move, but girls have with me. I was just too much of a baby and turned them down. I know I have a decent personality, when I'm not all depressed and emotional. This girl spent a lot of time with me. The only reason she did that was because she enjoyed spending time with me. She didn't know my appearance. The only thing she had to go on was my personality, and she kept coming back. I had a very long chat with a girl from ALL tonight. Conversation flowed for the most part, though it did have its weak points because I kept talking about this girl and she was just too polite to say anything. I used to be SOOO frightened to even talk to a girl 1 on 1 that I didn't know. I have so little experience doing it. But this was easy. That's just more proof that if my head was on straight I could actually have a decent conversation with a girl. She mentioned I was easy to talk to.... and she isn't the first person to say so. My self esteem is so low I always focus on the negatives. I know I have some positives if I could only get my head straight. I really need to.

 

[Senamian]

"1)Romantic companionship 2)Get my Career back on track 3)Improve my self-esteem"

I think it's in the wrong order Self Esteem opens the doors for the other two... Trust me.

As for weight issues, it's not uncommon. And you did say you just need to keep yourself on track!

I have noticed when people avoid using the TV for example, or just use the computer at nights when they are relaxing after their day has finished, they are more inclined to actually get up and do something they need to do. Or, at least I am It's stopping the distractions. And when you start the "get up and go" you'll find yourself less likely/able to check on her.

It is good you do have someone to give you a push in the right direction.

 

[lostatsea]

So I couldn't resist checking up on her and I learned some sad information. This girl genuinely misses the Brit and I actually think that's cool. She felt like it was really something, although she did go on and on about his looks. I wonder how shallow a connection it is. Either way she's trying to get a ticket to Britain from Dec. 26th-1st, just to see the Brit.

But the sad part is the girl she's turned into. She wants to go see the John Mayer concert on Friday, and was trying to get people to buy the tickets for her, by selling pics or skype shows. She ended up getting 1 guy to bite for $100 or so, so she will be going. He made her send him **** shot, but refused to do the full monty. I know I'm judging her, but I just feel like she had so much promise and is taking the "easy" way out. Very much like a prostitute would just sell her her body. Little self respect for herself.

The more I see her like this, the faker I know she was acting around me. But it makes me sad how it went from that girl I knew to this. This obviously was always there, she was just hiding it, or maybe suppressing it. I feel like I was a good influence on her, and now that I'm gone she's just embraced this life. What if she can't get the money for the plane ticket? What would she be willing to do then? It genuinely worries me. I feel like she's heading down a dark path.

I also know it's none of my business anymore. We're no longer in each others lives. Checking up on her is stopping me from growing which I need to do. I need to move on and let her live her life.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Checking up on her is stopping me from growing which I need to do. I need to move on and let her live her life.

That's what we've been saying, what you keep saying you will do.... so do it.

 

[lostatsea]

But it's just like always part of me doesn't want to because of the girl she pretended to be.... god it's so pathetic

 

[Senamian]

Like I said, I couldn't get over the idea that the person I used to be with really was nice.. Back then. When we were younger. He changed though, and I didn't see the change even when people outright told me. I had to figure it out on my own (painfully), and had to learn to accept it, and realize... It wasn't going to change.

 

[lostatsea]

How did you get over caring about him? I can use extreme will power. I can put up all the blocks in the world, to make sure I don't see her. But how do you get yourself to stop caring? If I didn't care it would just be so easy... but I'm a person who always cares... and cares a lot.

 

[Senamian]

To be honest, you never get over caring for someone. It's learning how to accept what has become.

Two people are great examples:

- The ex, which I mentioned. It took me a year. It would have taken a shorter time, if he had just given me an explanation. Not just up and left, leaving me blind to what could have changed to make things better. Currently, he has a fiancé. Who can keep his mind on her, and away from the "other girls". She's doing what I could never do... And I accept that.

- The dearest man I knew. He used to be a member on here, back in 2009. I have known him for...7 years. And he kind of did what she did to you - denied that I mattered in any way, that I was not REALLY anyone to him because it was online. I knew him for the gentle soul he was, and he turned very vicious and sour towards everyone including me. I had to break off all contact, and it was very hard. I did what you did a few times... "Checking up" on him. It only made things worse for the both of us - and finally for the last time NO contact at all. Zero. It hurt not to know if he was okay, it sucked not to be able to talk to someone I have known for a while. But I knew for the better, for him and for me, I could not talk to him whatsoever. At all.

With both of them... I still care. One moreso than the other. It's really the acceptance of what is, VS dwelling on what was. And letting yourself accept it, and move on. It can be very hard - believe me And it's time that helps you accept these unwanted changes.

 

[lostatsea]

That's the worst thing I ever heard. It's echoing around in my head. I have this overwhelming feeling to contact her. Try to "save" her. Selling nude photos of herself for cheap tickets to a John Mayer concert. It really bothers me. It's like she has no respect for herself. She was so sad and lonely when she knew me. But she was living a healthier life. Now she's all about casual sex, drinking, partying, and getting money however possible. Plus she's hanging around a crowd who would gladly pay her and take advantage of her. I feel like she's on a path of self-destruction.

I know she's living a happier life, and I didn't make her do anything. But I feel so guilty. She wasn't like this till after she got over me. It's like I directly caused this.

 

[Senamian]

What's the worst thing you've heard? The thing is... Not all of us CAN "just stop caring". It isn't in our nature.

Don't feel guilty. Here's the thing - there's choices, and then there are influences. People influence others... However, people also have the CHOICE to allow others to influence them. In the end it is THEIR call as to what they do. No one can ever take that away from them.

 

[lostatsea]

I know. But she asked me to stay. I said no... and then a few weeks later she turned into this. But why would I say no if I'm just going to partly wish I just stayed.