You said that some people on here whine over and over. I'm sorry but I feel that's a bit unfair.
But some do, whether you feel it's unfair or not.
Your advice, which I assume works for you,
As I've said many times, I preach my words to folks on here because I need to hear it myself, but that doesn't mean I heed my own advice all the time, or even enough of the time.
..... it is a painful reality that I am doing my damn best not to fully give in to.
Which is what? What are you actually doing?
Because I don't want to live anymore. And whether it's cowardice or insanity that's stopping me....well, I don't fully know.
How about "instinctual self preservation"?
What I do know is that the way I feel is very complex and changing things like where I live is not really a feasible option.
I have no doubt it feels very complex to you. How have you addressed your feelings? Getting off the booze is a great start, but what are you doing to help yourself see a positive path in your life? When I say changing where you live, I mean, not just trading one apartment/house for another, but being in a new sort of environment eg, from a bustling city to a open countryside, from being surrounded by people who treat you like the plague to a place where you are welcomed to be a part of.
And if I may say, I hate the word change. The reasons are due to some pretty negative experiences with someone who kept saying that to me, but at the same time, made it where it did not matter how much I actually made any effort to do so. And I suppose maybe they were right because right now, I don't feel like those changes I mentioned really matter.
Substitute the word change for reinvent, or growth, or metamorphosis then.
...but I can't see it right now.
Correct. And this is the issue with so many people on this forum. They can't see it right now. They need to be in a better place, a different place. You must have heard so many people over your lifetime say "I wish I knew then what I know now" or "20/20 hindsight is a wonderful thing".
So I'm sorry for not being more appreciative of what you're saying.
You don't need to apologize to me. You don't even have to appreciate what I'm saying to you. I just hope I can perhaps open your eyes a little to a different perspective. You need to reach out to people who are willing to accept you into their circle and feel part of a group, feel some worth, some value, so you can make a positive difference to your life, and maybe someone else's.
But I hate life, I hate living and I hate that everything that I am doing is in vain.
You hate the way life is right now for you. You hate living the way you’re living now. You feel it's all in vain because you can't find a way to tackle your challenges in a way that can make a positive difference in your life. Find little things you can work on, one small building block at a time to make progress. Do you smile at yourself in the mirror? I bet you don't. Just start with that. Every day when you get up and look in the mirror, smile and say "I have the right to be happy." Sounds pathetically simplistic doesn't it. But why not do it every day, and see how you feel in a month's time? But don't just say it; say it like you believe it, because it's bloody true dammit.
And yes, I very much realize that this could be seen as whining.
I don't care if you whine. Just start doing things to develop yourself into a more positive person. Make a list of everything that bothers you, from the littlest thing to the biggest, and then think of what things might make you happier, then think of how you can slowly address the smallest things and work from there. Sure, it's a big task, but you've got the rest of your life to work on it, and if you're happier in the end, then job well done.
Sometimes we make things sound so complex and in our heads it appears that way, I know, but when we put pen to paper and start listing all of our problems down, a) we have started to define our challenges and b) every challenge has some sort of solution, so we can start to break down our challenges and start making headway to a better life, a more contented life.
I can't force you to do anything you don't want to do, and honestly, most people just aren't prepared to do what it takes to make a difference, so you have choices to make I guess. People have had it worse than you and made choices that took them to more positive situations and some made their choice to worse situations. If you put the word "winners" to all the people in the world who seem to have their lives sorted out and have lives that you'd enjoy having, then just say to yourself (as I often do) "I'm not giving up just to prove you (“winners”) are more worthy than me."
The spark of life chose to ignite within you man. It wants to keep lit. Keep it lit.
