One moment ruined my life.

[Crossroads]

Hi everyone.
Just want to say before I start that this forum has been a great help to me. Reading some of your stories reassured me that I'm not the only one that has loneliness problems. Thank you all for that. If you think you can help me, I'd really appreciate a response. I don't think anyone has been up front about this before..

I was never a shy kid. In high school, I had a great girlfriend, good friends, and overall a good experience in school. I was never the scholar however. I would cut class constantly, go late, and have miserable grades throughout my time there. (Mind you, the friends part was what was so good about it, not the actual "school" thing haha) I hung out with a crowd of friends who were on the soccer team, I myself didn't play soccer, so they definitely had a much closer bond to each other than me. I didn't mind that so much, I felt as if I was my own person. I don't know why, or how, I ended up in the mindset that would eventually bring my social life to a complete halt.

It all started when (this is rather embarrassing) I suspected I was gay. I was NEVER the type you would suspect to be gay. The feeling/thought shocked me for the most part, and I confided in one of my friends. I remember saying "don't say anything, but I think I had a gay phase" while we were driving to pick up a friend from work. He looked at me puzzled for a second, then I remember saying a joke or something hoping it would brush off. Later on I would grow PARANOID. First off, I felt major anxiety and depression. So much so that I actually called out of work saying I was having an "emotional breakdown" and if I could stay home. It was so bad. I felt at the time that I was in fact gay, and didn't know it. It was like I thought my sub-conscious wired my thoughts and feelings and I felt as if I came off as gay to my friends and never knew it. The worse part that changed everything was when I confided in my "best friend". We were outside talking about me. I was acting like I was suicidal. I realized I didn't want him to worry like that, and made a joke like "yeah, I might go all kurt cobain" and just laughed it off. We were talking and I remember him saying "I think Daniel is gay" (Which is the first person I told about my "gay phase"). It struck me as suspicious because why would he say something like that? I thought he really thought I was gay, and was doing some sort of jedi mind trick to make me say "I am too" or something. I for one never thought about Daniel in such a way, and we were like a 3 person crew that knew everything about each other. Later, he invited me up to his room to play Call of Duty and I couldn't help but think he was trying to do some sort of psychology test on me. Saying things like "sit here" which was a space closer to him (his family hoards, so there was only space to sit on the bed) My first thought was "Well, its directly in front of the TV, so thats probably why he said that" so I did. I immediately felt as if I fell into a trap. Like he wanted to confirm that I was gay for him or something. I felt extremely uncomfortable when I thought that. We gamed for a few rounds and I said I was gonna head home. I remember walking to my car and saying before I got in "you're my brother dude". Hoping he would understand that I was telling him he was my best friend. He said "thanks man" and I drove off. About 5 minutes later, I was paranoid again. Thinking about what just happened and if my other friend told him I had a "phase". I pulled over and called him on my cell. After talking for a little, I said "dude, I'm gay" and I never regretting something so fast in my entire life. I did the absolute dumbest thing right after by saying "my uncle molested me when I was a kid". That was a lie. I thought if I just spewed out huge statements about my life that he would think i was lying or joking or something. The worse thing was I was in tears and it was obvious I think i was actually having some sort of breakdown. I can't belive I just said "my uncle molested me".. yes, I said that. I remember him saying "dude, what? you can't joke about that kind of stuff" and I felt stupid. He then said "dude, if your gay, I'm not like that, I can't help you" and I've never felt so alienated. Like I actually was gay talking to someone who I thought I was before. He offered to meet me somewhere, but I thought that would make the situation worse and I declined. That was the worse experience and most dramatic change I ever had. I remember texting him 3 texts at a time trying to justify what I said and trying to convince him I wasn't gay.

It all came to a head when I met up with him and another friend at a mall. It was noticeable he hesitated to walk up to me, so I came to him and this other guy Neil. Things seemed normal and I was relieved. Maybe he didn't say anything about what happened i thought. When we were done talking, I was about to go to my car when Neil said "so what, are you going on a date or something" I noticed my friend chuckle a little and I knew he told him. Maybe I was paranoid, but I just didn't think my friend could keep his mouth shut. I gave Neil the finger and walked away, probably making the situation worse. He sounded offended when he yelled "where are you going" when i was walking away, I said "home" and drove off. I later apologized to Neil in a text saying "sorry man, I just don't have my head on". Trying to justify the situation. The next few weeks were so abnormal. My friends would just want to hang out with me 1 on 1. That would never happen. We would always cruise in groups. Like my main 3 friends and whoever happened to show up. I felt as if they had to see for themselves weather I was actually gay or not. Always asking these weird questions thinking my response would flat out tell them I was gay. It never happened and they never said "are you gay" at all. It was like they just wanted to assume I was, and make me the ass of every joke. There is no denying they talk behind my back.

I felt as if everyone assumes I'm gay now, even my ex-girlfriend, who I had the hardest time getting over when she left me (which is another long topic entirely). Since then, I NEVER and i mean this, NEVER get called up. I would always call them and pretty much invite myself to parties. Thinking I could clarify things by just showing them I'm the exact same person I was and everything would be back to normal again. The worst part is, it seemed to be. They would all seem so happy to see me. We would laugh, get drunk, and to me it felt so good to be accepted again. But its all a fake. The next day the same thing, no calls, no invite, not even a hi on my facebook. Its been going on for so long now that I've just given up. I don't call them anymore, they continue not to call me, and what makes things worse is I always see them together on facebook having the most fun with new friends.

I'm always at home, staying up late, trying to figure out how to make things better. I've somewhat accepted that fact that I've lost all my friends. I had such good times with them, and it seems it can never be that way again. At least now I've become confident in my sexuality. I know now that I am not gay. I recently discovered that I probably had HOCD, which is homophobia obsessive compulsive disorder. I'm glad it was actually just a phase, although I have no problem with gay people. It actually taught me to be more accepting to others. My problem now is, I don't know how to make new friends. I've had these people for so long, and to be thrown away like this is depressing. I just don't know where to start or if I can even have "best friends" anymore. Everyone just seems to be happy where they are, and I'm just a nobody.

If you've had a sexuality problem similar to mine, I'd be happy to help you get a better understanding of yourself. I just need help branching out. I don't know where to start.
Thank you to anyone who reads all of this.

---

I understand I've made mistakes. I hope someone can take something away from this story and avoid this unnecessary pain.

 

[Callie]

I can offer no advice about the sexuality issues you've talked about, but what I can offer is that you are who you are. Don't change for others, don't hide who you are. Be yourself. If someone can't accept you, they don't deserve you. It doesn't matter if you are gay, straight, asexual or whatever, just be yourself, accept yourself.
Perhaps your friends are just giving you space to figure things out, give it time. I'm sure they will come around and if not, then you are better off. Go out, have a good time. And gain some confidence.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I actually read all that, I've had friends in high school who came out and it did change things. I don't know how old you are, it seems that you are out of high school now. I can't speak for your friends but from my prospective it might be that your friends are unsure of your sexuality and your male friends might be a bit afraid to be alone with you. The problem I see, if I was one of your friends, is the whole I think I'm gay, no I'm not thing you did. It's okay if you were confused about your sexuality, a lot of teenagers go through that phase, but to then try to play off that you weren't or joking, or worse yet the Uncle thing, thankfully it seems your friend didn't believe you. That just puts you into question. Your friends might wonder if they can trust you, and sexuality isn't something you joke around with.

Teenage boys go through a phase of curiosity, some wonder if their friends are at the same stage of puberty, how they measure up to the other guys their age, and some confuse this with homosexual thoughts or feelings. Which isn't always the case. Now the two guys I knew, one came out loud and proud (a bit too much by printing Gay Man on the back of his jean jacket, talk about putting a target on your back) the other changed schools. In his case I think he felt he wouldn't be accepted or teased by his friends, which sad to say is highly likely since I knew and were friends with some of the same guys, one was the biggest ******* around. He also had "a thing" for me...very embarrassing finding out how too (he got an erection while working with me in auto class, funny now when you think about it). He would still have to transfer buses and wouldn't even talk to me when we were outside. I don't know if he felt that I wouldn't accept him or what, he was a cool guy and so what if he was gay, the only thing that would be a problem was since he had a crush on me. I think he may have wondered if I was gay, I used to get called ***, queer, fudge packer, any gay slang you can think of just because I was smaller than most guys my age. I wasn't but that didn't stop ******** from saying those things or worse.

So, I can sort of relate to what you are talking about here. I don't think this has ruined your life, you said you still hang out with your old friends, even if it's inviting yourself. So they still want to accept you, like I said it might be a trust thing. Maybe making new friends is the way to go. It's also very encouraging that you are offering your help to others who might be going through the same thing you did. That moment in your life help redefine the person you are, gave you a clarity and acceptance of others. I'd say it was a monumental moment of your life, you might have made some mistakes but you also received quite the life lesson from it.

Oh, btw welcome to the forums

 

[Crossroads]

Thank you Sci-Fi.

I've been having a hard time trying to view things from their point of view, and only now it makes sense that I've compromised their trust... it's a bummer thinking that I've lost my friends that way, but it's essentially my fault. Being alienated for so long gave me the opportunity to accept the fact. I just couldn't believe that I had those feelings in the first place. They were so against what I believed it drove me crazy and I tried to fix it the only way I knew how, try and make a joke out of it. Turns out I just made it worse. I suppose the only thing left for me to do is find a way to meet some new people. Weird how life works out sometime. Thanks again Sci, you've inspired me to help people the way you've helped me. Hopefully I can provide some clarity to someone who needs it.

Thank you!

 

[Kenny]

Having any luck with the girls lately?

 

[Crossroads]

Having any luck with the girls lately?

Not really. I don't go out much to make myself available. It's hard for me to get the courage to go out by myself.
-edit-
Thats a great quote about courage. I just read it after I made this post. Talk about coincidence..

 

[VanillaCreme]

I agree with Callie. Being who you are, and accepting who you are, regardless of what anyone else thinks, is the best thing you can do. If others don't care for who you are, then they don't need to be around you. And trust me, there's always people who will accept you no matter what. You really find out who your true friends are when you're caught in a sticky tricky situation.

 

[Sci-Fi]

You're welcome Crossroads, sometimes you have to step outside of yourself and take a look around and wear the other persons shoes so to speak. We all learn from each other.

 

[Kenny]

I wish I was gay. Then women wouldn't drive me so crazy.

 

[Sci-Fi]

True 'dat Kenny! Even though some gay men can be even bigger drama queens. One of the gay guys I knew in high school is on my FB and man I tell ya, I was tempted to disable getting status updates from him.

 

[Thrasymachus]

People don't really have friends nowadays. What they have is other people who they use for mutual entertainment, and vice versa. This is why it was a disaster for you to broach a serious, life altering subject with them. Did these people ever help you when you had serious problems in life, did you ever feel you could confide in them before about life's tribulations?

Also many people think they have an inherently existing self when they don't. The "person" you are now, is not the same person you were as a child and likely you still don't have the same friends you did from grade school. Likely it will be healthier to think of this as a new stage in your life, instead of clinging to an inherent self, with inherent friends you should make rapprochement with.

 

[evanescencefan91]

*hugs crossroads*

wow I had no idea there was such a thing as homophobia obsessive compulsive disorder that's interesting

I just found an artcile on that

http://westsuffolkpsych.homestead.com/am_i_gay.html

I'm sorry you had to go through that,

I had a lot of weird and uncomfortable crazy **** in high school too, I'm gay and a lot of people pretty much figured I was gay, but I wasn't ready to come out, and I feel like maybe if people hadn't thought that i was gay, maybe i would have come out sooner, I just didn't want to have to deal with them being right, i feel like they would say " i knew it", and "I told you so"

but hey your life isn't over

are you still in high school?
how many years do you have left?

people can be really superfical sometimes which really sucks cause they'll leave you as soon as you really need them

Once you're done with hs school you can go to college, or move to a new area and you can get a clean slate and meet some new people that don't know any of that stuff, and you try and learn from your mistakes and maybe you can make some real friends


*hugs*

 

[Crossroads]

*hugs crossroads*

wow I had no idea there was such a thing as homophobia obsessive compulsive disorder that's interesting

I just found an artcile on that

http://westsuffolkpsych.homestead.com/am_i_gay.html

I'm sorry you had to go through that,

I had a lot of weird and uncomfortable crazy **** in high school too, I'm gay and a lot of people pretty much figured I was gay, but I wasn't ready to come out, and I feel like maybe if people hadn't thought that i was gay, maybe i would have come out sooner, I just didn't want to have to deal with them being right, i feel like they would say " i knew it", and "I told you so"

but hey your life isn't over

are you still in high school?
how many years do you have left?

people can be really superfical sometimes which really sucks cause they'll leave you as soon as you really need them

Once you're done with hs school you can go to college, or move to a new area and you can get a clean slate and meet some new people that don't know any of that stuff, and you try and learn from your mistakes and maybe you can make some real friends


*hugs*

Thanks for sharing your experience.
The article was a really good read. It showed me some good exercises and it really nailed the symptoms on the head. Bookmarked! I'm a bit relieved that this is a common thing and I'm not the first one with these problems.

I've been out of high school for 3 years now. I'm going to college in the fall and most likely will run into a few old friends time to time, but I'm not really concerned about it. I'm definitely gonna try and make some new friends though. I'm excited about the possibility of new friends and a clean slate.

I appreciate the responses from everyone. They have been very helpful.

---

People don't really have friends nowadays. What they have is other people who they use for mutual entertainment, and vice versa. This is why it was a disaster for you to broach a serious, life altering subject with them. Did these people ever help you when you had serious problems in life, did you ever feel you could confide in them before about life's tribulations?

Also many people think they have an inherently existing self when they don't. The "person" you are now, is not the same person you were as a child and likely you still don't have the same friends you did from grade school. Likely it will be healthier to think of this as a new stage in your life, instead of clinging to an inherent self, with inherent friends you should make rapprochement with.

Good point.
The only time I would really think I could confide in them would be under the influence of something. Thinking back on it, I'm sure it's not really unique. I'm sure there are a bunch of people who could just blabber on for days about the most minute subjects and think they're discovering the next theory of relativity or something. I guess confiding in them with such a huge subject would be unusual.

I have been clinging on to my inherent self, I've accepted the fact that I'm moving to a new, healthier stage in my life.
Are you suggesting that I try to keep a connection with these friends? They are my only friends and currently my only connection to potential friends. Or are you suggesting the opposite in letting go of these feelings to make rapprochement with them?

 

[SophiaGrace]

Sounds like you've got this taken care of.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Are you suggesting that I try to keep a connection with these friends? They are my only friends and currently my only connection to potential friends. Or are you suggesting the opposite in letting go of these feelings to make rapprochement with them?

I'd suggest both, but that's just me. If they still show an interest in being friends with you why just abandon them? But I feel it is important for you to let go of your feels, especially the negative ones. Those are no good to you or anyone and is quite liberating when you do decide to just let them all go. Eventually they might come around, but make new friends in the process, those who do truly want to be your friend will still be there no matter what. I keep in touch with old friends from my childhood and high school, even though our lives are completely different now we're still the same people inside and we still connect on that level. Sometimes it feels as if no time at all has passed, we're older and wiser sure, but what made us friends is still there even if we don't talk much or just like or comment on each others Facebook status. LOL I don't believe in letting go of any friendships unless it is harmful to you, those you let go of.