Online dating help
- Thread starter Erevetot
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ladyforsaken
Well-known member
I'm sorry to read about all this, Erevetot. I wish there's something I could do to help but when something like this happens, it's always best to try and be as patient as you can and not jump to conclusions or act out of emotion. Sometimes you say things you might regret or say things that might make things worse. Really, I know the feeling all too well, it is super hard but you really have to hang in there.
I just saw your other thread too. I'm sorry you're going through this. Really, really sorry. *hugs*
I just saw your other thread too. I'm sorry you're going through this. Really, really sorry. *hugs*
ABrokenMan
Well-known member
Just from reading what you've posted, this woman seems to have traits of someone suffering from a mental illness known as borderline personality disorder.
Read up on the traits of BPD. I'm currently on a forum for people who are in relationships with SO's who have, or potentialy could be diagnosed as having BPD, as well as people, like myself, who were involved with a person who suffers from it.
You will be astounded.
I'm not advising you to give up, or continue, etc.
I'm just making you aware, sometimes it is not YOU, it is the other person. That is the hardest aspect to get through one's thinking. i know it has been so for myself.
Read up on the traits of BPD. I'm currently on a forum for people who are in relationships with SO's who have, or potentialy could be diagnosed as having BPD, as well as people, like myself, who were involved with a person who suffers from it.
You will be astounded.
I'm not advising you to give up, or continue, etc.
I'm just making you aware, sometimes it is not YOU, it is the other person. That is the hardest aspect to get through one's thinking. i know it has been so for myself.
ABrokenMan said:
I'll read up on BPD, thanks. While the whole thing goes really bad, at least Im trying to force myself to enjoy it while it last, while its hapenning. I know it'll end sooner than I want it to, probably in the next 1-2 weeks, but I'll try to enjoy it without thinking, give it my all, and when its over, then be sad and depressed, then worry and cry
ladyforsaken
Well-known member
ABrokenMan said:
I don't know.. I don't really see her as someone with BPD.. I'm not very learned about this disorder but reading the traits they don't seem like her how Erevetot has described her to be? Or maybe I'm missing something here..
Quick update. And some tips (yes, by me, lol indeed)
We talked. I talked to her about how i feel. that i need her, that i want us to be together, that I miss her being sweet and caring for me etc. When i did it, i was expecting her to be mad, to not give a **** and end it. But she didnt. She actually cared, she's actually trying to prove me wrong. It's still too early. It's a long and bumpy road, but I'm willing to walk it and she is willing too
At the moment things are "fine". No fighting. We're not perfect, but we're having healthy chats etc, including each other in important decisions etc
Now, she asked me to photoshop us together, so we can show it to people. I suck at photoshop, but im watching tutorials to find out how to do it
Anyways. What I've learned so far, is believe in yourself. I know I came here looking for help, but this is an advice I can give to everyone. If you think your person loves you, and you got some issues to solve, talk to them. You may expect them to get mad or leave. No. If they actually love you they'll stay. It takes a huge burden off your shoulders, and your person realizes what's wrong and tries to fix it. Believe in yourself. Dont do what I did. Dont sit there thinking you dont deserve it, htinking the other person is better than you so you must sit there and suck it in to not ruin their mood. Be brave. I talked to her. i explained to her how I held it in, while afraid of her leaving me if I ruin her mood with my stupid **** and my ****** up emotional situation. But she didnt got mad. She helped me. She told me that im silly, that im not pushing her away, and that i should talk to her sooner next time. And she started to act different, better
Things are not perfect, not even close. Theyre on a good way though. They got a promising future.
Now, time to enjoy the present
We talked. I talked to her about how i feel. that i need her, that i want us to be together, that I miss her being sweet and caring for me etc. When i did it, i was expecting her to be mad, to not give a **** and end it. But she didnt. She actually cared, she's actually trying to prove me wrong. It's still too early. It's a long and bumpy road, but I'm willing to walk it and she is willing too
At the moment things are "fine". No fighting. We're not perfect, but we're having healthy chats etc, including each other in important decisions etc
Now, she asked me to photoshop us together, so we can show it to people. I suck at photoshop, but im watching tutorials to find out how to do it
Anyways. What I've learned so far, is believe in yourself. I know I came here looking for help, but this is an advice I can give to everyone. If you think your person loves you, and you got some issues to solve, talk to them. You may expect them to get mad or leave. No. If they actually love you they'll stay. It takes a huge burden off your shoulders, and your person realizes what's wrong and tries to fix it. Believe in yourself. Dont do what I did. Dont sit there thinking you dont deserve it, htinking the other person is better than you so you must sit there and suck it in to not ruin their mood. Be brave. I talked to her. i explained to her how I held it in, while afraid of her leaving me if I ruin her mood with my stupid **** and my ****** up emotional situation. But she didnt got mad. She helped me. She told me that im silly, that im not pushing her away, and that i should talk to her sooner next time. And she started to act different, better
Things are not perfect, not even close. Theyre on a good way though. They got a promising future.
Now, time to enjoy the present
ladyforsaken
Well-known member
so, an update on this. any help is appreciated as I really REALLY need some support
we broke up 2 weeks ago. the 3 days after it I avoided her. i was low, but a friend got me on a double date and tried to have fun. Halfway through, she texted me saying she misses me. It ruined my night, and ****** me emotionally. My date went good, but i was too broken emotionaly to connect with her. Next day we talk, and she said she wants me and loves me but there is too much damage between us to be together. She wants me in her life, so she hopes we can stay friends. I told her ok, as i dont want to lose her completely. For 1.5 weeks now we're fine.Barely talking, and I managed to control my self and do better. 2 days ago, 2 friends, female both, convienced me to text her because they think she's playing hard to get as she still loves me. I tried to explain how she means it, but they told me to try, and I did yday as theyre females and i havent been in a relationship for so long so they knew better.i asked her how she is, we chatted all the "im ok, what about you" and then i said i miss her. she said i miss you too, and we ended it there.
My 2 friends were trying to give me hope, and positivity that we can get back together. I tried to surpress my feelings though so I can move on.
Today, she sent a picture of her in a common group we got and I cracked. i realiezed how much i miss her, so I told her that her picture made me realize how much iu miss her as i havent seen her face in a week, and she said "sorry". i said its not her fault, but its me still loving a person which i mean nothing to and she said "yes, you're nothing to me..." in a sarcastic way. I told her that it hurts and she shouldnt have said it so plain and she said "i didnt, you said it. i always told you the oposit but you never listened". I told her how wrong i was, and that i said it but my feelings are what mattered, that i loved her and felt loved by her and that i miss it and her. then i asked her if i actually mean nothing to her now. And thats it.
My friends kept insisting she wants me back but wants to be chased. I doubted it, and I got my hopes up
Now, we just talked about it, and she said she was actually being sarcastic about me meaning nothing to her, but "regardless of what she feels, there is no way back for her. It's done, and she can't talk about it over and over again". I said "sorry for being in love with you! Bye"
She went off at me saying that she thought we were clear about not getting back together and i told her that i know it, but i cant just turn my ******* feelings off. I told her that i know i need to move on, so if she still wants to stay friends to be a bit patient and not hate me while im struggling with my feelings
We're done, i know that. Im not gonna get fake hopes again, im not gonna chase her.
Im really bad right now
I just wanna cry and die, so any tips are welcome
we broke up 2 weeks ago. the 3 days after it I avoided her. i was low, but a friend got me on a double date and tried to have fun. Halfway through, she texted me saying she misses me. It ruined my night, and ****** me emotionally. My date went good, but i was too broken emotionaly to connect with her. Next day we talk, and she said she wants me and loves me but there is too much damage between us to be together. She wants me in her life, so she hopes we can stay friends. I told her ok, as i dont want to lose her completely. For 1.5 weeks now we're fine.Barely talking, and I managed to control my self and do better. 2 days ago, 2 friends, female both, convienced me to text her because they think she's playing hard to get as she still loves me. I tried to explain how she means it, but they told me to try, and I did yday as theyre females and i havent been in a relationship for so long so they knew better.i asked her how she is, we chatted all the "im ok, what about you" and then i said i miss her. she said i miss you too, and we ended it there.
My 2 friends were trying to give me hope, and positivity that we can get back together. I tried to surpress my feelings though so I can move on.
Today, she sent a picture of her in a common group we got and I cracked. i realiezed how much i miss her, so I told her that her picture made me realize how much iu miss her as i havent seen her face in a week, and she said "sorry". i said its not her fault, but its me still loving a person which i mean nothing to and she said "yes, you're nothing to me..." in a sarcastic way. I told her that it hurts and she shouldnt have said it so plain and she said "i didnt, you said it. i always told you the oposit but you never listened". I told her how wrong i was, and that i said it but my feelings are what mattered, that i loved her and felt loved by her and that i miss it and her. then i asked her if i actually mean nothing to her now. And thats it.
My friends kept insisting she wants me back but wants to be chased. I doubted it, and I got my hopes up
Now, we just talked about it, and she said she was actually being sarcastic about me meaning nothing to her, but "regardless of what she feels, there is no way back for her. It's done, and she can't talk about it over and over again". I said "sorry for being in love with you! Bye"
She went off at me saying that she thought we were clear about not getting back together and i told her that i know it, but i cant just turn my ******* feelings off. I told her that i know i need to move on, so if she still wants to stay friends to be a bit patient and not hate me while im struggling with my feelings
We're done, i know that. Im not gonna get fake hopes again, im not gonna chase her.
Im really bad right now
I just wanna cry and die, so any tips are welcome
EveWasFramed
Well-known member
I'll give you the best advice I can, which is to cut all contact with her, at least for now. You need time (away from her) to grieve and heal. I know that's easier said than done, but it's the best think you can do for yourself. At some point, after your feelings have faded, maybe you can contact her again.
Be kind to yourself, Erevertot.
Be kind to yourself, Erevertot.
ladyforsaken
Well-known member
EveWasFramed said:
This is what I was saying.
EveWasFramed
Well-known member
ladyforsaken said:
I know that (especially you and I, it seems from past posts) people hand out this exact advice, but I agree with you that it's the best way to proceed in most cases. My heart aches for those who have to suffer through this kind of thing, because I've suffered through it myself (more times than I like to think about) so I understand how painful and difficult it can be, especially in the first few days, weeks and months. I would guess that you do as well, Lady F.
As I said previously, Erevetot, be especially kind to yourself during this difficult time.
EveWasFramed said:
we got a lot of common stuff. we are on the same community and on the same gaming group. and while you may say "its a videogame, just leave the group", that community group and game is what keeps me going the last 2 years, getting happy virtualy so i dont break IRL.
Im ignoring her though. I hid her pictures and messages, i didnt delete them as i dont want to lose her forever, but i hid them and dont look at them as i used.
And ive been ignoring her for a week now, but as i said 2 friends gave me hope so I cracked.
I'll go back to ignoring her excistance now, it'll be hard again, but i'll try it
Thank you
ladyforsaken
Well-known member
Just reread all those things I've said to you. Because I didn't say them for nothing. If you could listen to your 2 friends, at least take my words and Eve's above with some consideration if you really wanna get through this because WE have experienced this ourselves and can only speak from our experiences and as you can see, it's not just me saying this. Eve is saying it too as she went through something similar. So my words were not ********.
And let me echo what Eve said:
Stop hurting yourself. It hurts me to see you do that to yourself and to tell me about it, but I don't think that really matters but I hate seeing you hurt yourself like that.
And let me echo what Eve said:
EveWasFramed said:
Stop hurting yourself. It hurts me to see you do that to yourself and to tell me about it, but I don't think that really matters but I hate seeing you hurt yourself like that.
EveWasFramed
Well-known member
Erevetot said:
It sounds like you're being proactive and that's a good thing.
I don't blame you for not wanting to give up your on line community either. Sounds like you're doing what you can to distance yourself and that's all you can really do. I wish you the best while you heal. *hug*
ladyforsaken said:
I now know. I understand my mistakes. It hurts so much because I kept blaming me when I should have shared the blame with her... but loving her and having her telling me I ****** us up and I made her break up, just destroyed me as atm she was the only person in my life that loved me and cared.
Anyways, now I need to ignore her so I move on. it's hard as I said as she's everywhere in the forums and the groupchats we got, but I'll try. im not checking on her, im not texting her and i wont reply if she does. if for some reason she contacts me too much, ill just block her for a while. any other tips to move on faster? :/ drinking doesnt help, and im nowhere close to confident enough to find a new girl to love
i'll post it here as it fits, and to avoid making a new thread.
we're still done. The last weeks have been a crazy rollercoaster, I ignore her and try to focus on other stuff, i make it for a while. THing is she was texting me almost daily, this was the first week we didnt talk at all. She was telling me how she loved me and how she wants us to be together, but we cant be together. Im not just sad, im confused too, as apparently we both love each other and want to be with each other, but we cant, for some reason. It's ok, I guess. Being with her was hurting me a lot, but i'd do it again.
I actually cracked twice and replied to her. Once she told me how much she misses me and that not being with me and not knowing what i do etc is making her sick and killing her. I was acting like it's all cool, even if inside i was dying. In the end i cracked and told her how much i miss her too etc. I told her that since she doesnt want us together, we need to have a break as by trying to be friends, we always come back to talking about us and she agreed, that it hurts us both as she feels like it's giving us hope we could get back together, and it's unfair.
The other time, it was weird. A while ago i had make a silly song for the group we were in, but we broke up just before i made it public, it had some silly subliminal references to me and her, it was something we used to do, keep us as a secret to most, but still show we're together with silly lines etc that people needed to pay attention to to get it. So i didnt share it then. She's an admin in that community though, so me sticking around means me "seeing" her all the time. So i actually left, i quit the community and gaming, and a week ago i just posted the song as our group collapsed after we left it, me and her were its best members, with me helping her get better and vica versa. So, she told me in skype, how fun the song was, how she loves it and laughed through it all and that she wants to make a song with me. I told her that i think it's a bit too soon for us to do things together again as I still got feelings. She started sweet and missing me and all, and then got angry at me not wanting it. She started talking about "how i still got hopes for us and she thought we've been through this". I told her that she needs to stop treating me like im stupid, and that i may be young, 10 years younger than her, but I understand how it works, that when she says it's over, it's over. She said that she doesnt believe me. It's the first time I got actually mad at her. I couldnt take it, I told her that she needs to stop being so stupidly self-centered and realize that I know we wont be together and that its hurting me but i accepted it and that she needs to realize it as well, and understand that while i'd love to be with her i know i wont, that I wont run after her anymore, that Im not gonna chase her. She got angry as well and told me how "it's good i make her look like the bad guy in our relationship". I told her how i was blaming me through it all, that I never thought she was wrong, that for me she is/was perfect. She said it's ******** and that im just trying to get her back. I cracked, and finally fully explained to her about me, she finaly learnt about how she saved me as i was killing myself and stopped just for her, how she made my life great etc. She said that she wants me in her life, and i fell asleep and said nothing more.
Last week was the week she was visiting me. She was trying hard to get the week off from work, she fought with her boss for it. We broke up during it. She said that it was my bday present, that she actually took the week off and was planning on telling me and booking in my bday night, as a present, but we broke up just before it so she thought i should never know, but after all she wanted me to see how much i meant to her. I didnt reply.
For a while she was trying to hurt me on purpose, posting on threads she never did cause she knew i will see it, to make me hurt and talk to her. Showing off fake dates, acting like it's all ok... I didnt payed attention to it, and in the end she cracked as well, from her actions and posts it's clear she's sad and hurt now.
And thats where we are. We havent talked for a week. Im still in love with her, but im over her. I still have her in my mind, but now its easy to replace the thoughts of her with other things. While I now see why my friends told me the relation was toxic, i still think she is the right one for me, just in the wrong time. I know we're done forever, and i dont know if i want us to ever actually be friends. I want her in my life, but i dont know if i should have her.
In my previous serious relationship, ater the break up i didnt have the mindset of "oh no i lost my girl", but the "oh yes, im single, time to find more". I went out, partied, had fun. 1 month later it hit me and made me sad etc, but i was over her. With this one, i'm knee-deep in sadness and depression. The break up amplified the pain, depression amplified my demotivating feelings, and it all together crushed me. Im being strong though, and while i ended up feeling numbed, feeling nothing, i think im having progress. I feel like im done with love, while i need it, i doubt i'll ever have it. everytime i felt it, i was hurt and betrayed, everyone told me it was the others' fault but i think it's me, i think im broken. Im either attracted to what hurts me, "like a moth to a flame, or im incapable of love, i drive them all away. I dont know no more, I feel unable to love. I had a girl telling me she is in love with me some days ago. I know her for 4 years, she's great, fun,pretty. But i didnt feel anything, not even excited about it, not even happy. I just felt nothing. Some girls in a bar flirted with me, same, i felt nothing, while they were attractive, i didnt feel like doing anything. first time in my life tht i had to say "im sorry, i just got out of a bad reltionship"
And thats how i feel now. It's better than feelind sad, but im scared i'll feel like that forever.
I anyone read through this, thank you, i wish i could give you a cookie! I mainly posted this to vent off, and cause my mind is a mess. I keep overthinking stuff, so having everything written and reading it helps me calm my thoughts and keep my head straight. Im at the point that im trying to fight my demons one by one. i cant fight my past, i cant get rid of it and it haunting me. but im trying to change my present. its hard and seems impossible, but im trying. im just waiting until i have another of these "totally bad" days, when i can barely get out of bed, until i feel so bad that i give up
we're still done. The last weeks have been a crazy rollercoaster, I ignore her and try to focus on other stuff, i make it for a while. THing is she was texting me almost daily, this was the first week we didnt talk at all. She was telling me how she loved me and how she wants us to be together, but we cant be together. Im not just sad, im confused too, as apparently we both love each other and want to be with each other, but we cant, for some reason. It's ok, I guess. Being with her was hurting me a lot, but i'd do it again.
I actually cracked twice and replied to her. Once she told me how much she misses me and that not being with me and not knowing what i do etc is making her sick and killing her. I was acting like it's all cool, even if inside i was dying. In the end i cracked and told her how much i miss her too etc. I told her that since she doesnt want us together, we need to have a break as by trying to be friends, we always come back to talking about us and she agreed, that it hurts us both as she feels like it's giving us hope we could get back together, and it's unfair.
The other time, it was weird. A while ago i had make a silly song for the group we were in, but we broke up just before i made it public, it had some silly subliminal references to me and her, it was something we used to do, keep us as a secret to most, but still show we're together with silly lines etc that people needed to pay attention to to get it. So i didnt share it then. She's an admin in that community though, so me sticking around means me "seeing" her all the time. So i actually left, i quit the community and gaming, and a week ago i just posted the song as our group collapsed after we left it, me and her were its best members, with me helping her get better and vica versa. So, she told me in skype, how fun the song was, how she loves it and laughed through it all and that she wants to make a song with me. I told her that i think it's a bit too soon for us to do things together again as I still got feelings. She started sweet and missing me and all, and then got angry at me not wanting it. She started talking about "how i still got hopes for us and she thought we've been through this". I told her that she needs to stop treating me like im stupid, and that i may be young, 10 years younger than her, but I understand how it works, that when she says it's over, it's over. She said that she doesnt believe me. It's the first time I got actually mad at her. I couldnt take it, I told her that she needs to stop being so stupidly self-centered and realize that I know we wont be together and that its hurting me but i accepted it and that she needs to realize it as well, and understand that while i'd love to be with her i know i wont, that I wont run after her anymore, that Im not gonna chase her. She got angry as well and told me how "it's good i make her look like the bad guy in our relationship". I told her how i was blaming me through it all, that I never thought she was wrong, that for me she is/was perfect. She said it's ******** and that im just trying to get her back. I cracked, and finally fully explained to her about me, she finaly learnt about how she saved me as i was killing myself and stopped just for her, how she made my life great etc. She said that she wants me in her life, and i fell asleep and said nothing more.
Last week was the week she was visiting me. She was trying hard to get the week off from work, she fought with her boss for it. We broke up during it. She said that it was my bday present, that she actually took the week off and was planning on telling me and booking in my bday night, as a present, but we broke up just before it so she thought i should never know, but after all she wanted me to see how much i meant to her. I didnt reply.
For a while she was trying to hurt me on purpose, posting on threads she never did cause she knew i will see it, to make me hurt and talk to her. Showing off fake dates, acting like it's all ok... I didnt payed attention to it, and in the end she cracked as well, from her actions and posts it's clear she's sad and hurt now.
And thats where we are. We havent talked for a week. Im still in love with her, but im over her. I still have her in my mind, but now its easy to replace the thoughts of her with other things. While I now see why my friends told me the relation was toxic, i still think she is the right one for me, just in the wrong time. I know we're done forever, and i dont know if i want us to ever actually be friends. I want her in my life, but i dont know if i should have her.
In my previous serious relationship, ater the break up i didnt have the mindset of "oh no i lost my girl", but the "oh yes, im single, time to find more". I went out, partied, had fun. 1 month later it hit me and made me sad etc, but i was over her. With this one, i'm knee-deep in sadness and depression. The break up amplified the pain, depression amplified my demotivating feelings, and it all together crushed me. Im being strong though, and while i ended up feeling numbed, feeling nothing, i think im having progress. I feel like im done with love, while i need it, i doubt i'll ever have it. everytime i felt it, i was hurt and betrayed, everyone told me it was the others' fault but i think it's me, i think im broken. Im either attracted to what hurts me, "like a moth to a flame, or im incapable of love, i drive them all away. I dont know no more, I feel unable to love. I had a girl telling me she is in love with me some days ago. I know her for 4 years, she's great, fun,pretty. But i didnt feel anything, not even excited about it, not even happy. I just felt nothing. Some girls in a bar flirted with me, same, i felt nothing, while they were attractive, i didnt feel like doing anything. first time in my life tht i had to say "im sorry, i just got out of a bad reltionship"
And thats how i feel now. It's better than feelind sad, but im scared i'll feel like that forever.
I anyone read through this, thank you, i wish i could give you a cookie! I mainly posted this to vent off, and cause my mind is a mess. I keep overthinking stuff, so having everything written and reading it helps me calm my thoughts and keep my head straight. Im at the point that im trying to fight my demons one by one. i cant fight my past, i cant get rid of it and it haunting me. but im trying to change my present. its hard and seems impossible, but im trying. im just waiting until i have another of these "totally bad" days, when i can barely get out of bed, until i feel so bad that i give up
so, I was proven wrong by a friend. I miss her way too much, she's still creeping in my thoughts, I keep catching myself wanting to text her something, so badly, but im not
How am i supossed to move on? To fully get over her? To get her out of my head?
last night it was proven to me that faking it's all ok doesnt work. Sadly, saying to myself I dont miss her and i dont care anymore isnt helping. Im trying to fill my time with other things, but my depression just kicks me down and fully demotivates me
How can I move on? I know that as time passes it'll go away etc, but I really need to do something myself as well, I really cant be feeling like that for longer, it stops me from everything, from trying to make me better
How am i supossed to move on? To fully get over her? To get her out of my head?
last night it was proven to me that faking it's all ok doesnt work. Sadly, saying to myself I dont miss her and i dont care anymore isnt helping. Im trying to fill my time with other things, but my depression just kicks me down and fully demotivates me
How can I move on? I know that as time passes it'll go away etc, but I really need to do something myself as well, I really cant be feeling like that for longer, it stops me from everything, from trying to make me better
1) I maybe bieng an ******* now, but i think that after bieng alone for a long time you just "fell in love" in the first person you felt some kind of connection to. I may even call it a crash. But its up to you to decide.
2) long distance realations are a really bad idea, trust me im dealing with it now, you may be thinking of her and you miss her, so you think that its good thing, but without a real interaction it will just get harder to be away from her.
3) Youre in for a tough time my friend so you either get over it or be crushed by it. My advice to forget someone is to find someone else, you dont have to love her or have any feelings for her. But she needs to be there, near you... Someone you can concitrate on.
31?! Really?! Nicccceeeeee
2) long distance realations are a really bad idea, trust me im dealing with it now, you may be thinking of her and you miss her, so you think that its good thing, but without a real interaction it will just get harder to be away from her.
3) Youre in for a tough time my friend so you either get over it or be crushed by it. My advice to forget someone is to find someone else, you dont have to love her or have any feelings for her. But she needs to be there, near you... Someone you can concitrate on.
31?! Really?! Nicccceeeeee
