Opinions on current relationship situation

[JurassicPT]

Eight months ago, my relationship with my girlfriend ended abruptly after an extremely intense relationship full of chemistry and passion. Whilst we were together, she told me she’d never had feelings for someone like she had for me, she allowed herself to be more vulnerable with me than she ever has with others, even saying she could see herself spending the rest of her life with me.



The reason she gave was because she felt that the more we talked and the closer we got, the stronger her feelings for me became. But because of the age gap between us (she’s mid 20s, I’m late 30s) she wasn't sure if she could make it work. However, somebody recently has told me that it's quite likely that the age gap was an excuse.



Because quite near the end of the relationship, I hurt her very badly by breaking things off because I was jealous of someone she’s friends with.. A few weeks before this, she had told me she was falling for me. I apologized and we reconciled, but she told me that I'd broken her heart and that she was destroyed. We were fine for a couple of weeks, I began therapy to work on some of my issues, and we agreed to take things slowly, but one day she blocked me on everything without warning. She unblocked me a few weeks later and we started talking again, but since then we've had a period of very hot and cold behavior on her behalf. Where at times, she's friendly and reaches out to maintain a connection. But a lot of the time, she's withdrawn and very, very awkward around me.



4 months ago, we had a long conversation, and we both put our cards on the table. She told me she thought I was an amazing person and she wanted to be close friends because she felt we had a real connection with each other, and both of us felt that the pressure had been taken off. About a month into our new friendship, she started withdrawing again, and stopped viewing my Instagram stories, becoming withdrawn and awkward at times where we'd see each other.



Two months ago, I told her I find her treatment of me being different to our mutual friends and her withdrawing and avoidance confusing and I wasn’t sure if we could be friends. She never replied to the message and we just gave each other space. A month ago we talked, and I was upfront and honest that I have feelings for her but I accept she might not feel the same, but when the time is right I’d like to be friends. She replied immediately and told me she also wanted to be friends.



The other week she complained to a friend when she thought I’d walked past her and ignored her saying hello to me. A week later she had been extremely awkward around me when we were in the gym at the same time, but then asked a question she already knew the answer to so she could initiate a brief conversation. Recently she’s unblocked one of my social media accounts all of a sudden. The last couple of weeks though, she has been very avoidant again, she has made sure to avoid seeing me completely because it would have been her and I alone together.



Despite her consistently citing a desire to be friends, something she's vocalized on multiple occasions, she finds it very difficult to be around me and is very guarded and awkward a lot of the time, whilst being more comfortable and at ease with a lot of our mutual friends. We’ve had a few conversations about being friends, but it doesn’t appear to be something she can manage right now.



I have a lot of empathy for her as she’s clearly struggling with her feelings in some way, and I’m very comfortable giving her the time and space she needs to work through it. She has a lot of tendencies seen in fearful avoidant attachment, and I feel my breaking things off so abruptly has done a lot of damage, and it feels like she’s still hurting in some ways and scared to get close again in case she gets hurt.


Just wanted some independent opinions if I’m probably on the right track with my theory on the likeliest cause of her inconsistent behaviour?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Okay, so I typically give the most unpopular opinion here, but this is what I think.

First, I have to wonder if there is more to the story because I don't feel someone will just block someone else out of the blue without a good reason (not saying it never happens, mind you). Second, the girl has shown you on mulitple occasions how she feels. Not her words (people lie), her actions (the blocking, the avoiding, etc). It seems weird that one minute you are, essentially, the greatest person alive/her soulmate/whatever and then all of a sudden she is awkward and doesn't feel comfortable with you or whatever.

So assuming there isn't more to the story.....the ball is in her court. Let her go, if she is meant to be in your life...in whatever capacity....she'll come back.

 

[okidoke]

Move on. Life is too short. Seriously, move on.

 

[RH272]

Eight months ago, my relationship with my girlfriend ended abruptly after an extremely intense relationship full of chemistry and passion. Whilst we were together, she told me she’d never had feelings for someone like she had for me, she allowed herself to be more vulnerable with me than she ever has with others, even saying she could see herself spending the rest of her life with me.



The reason she gave was because she felt that the more we talked and the closer we got, the stronger her feelings for me became. But because of the age gap between us (she’s mid 20s, I’m late 30s) she wasn't sure if she could make it work. However, somebody recently has told me that it's quite likely that the age gap was an excuse.



Because quite near the end of the relationship, I hurt her very badly by breaking things off because I was jealous of someone she’s friends with.. A few weeks before this, she had told me she was falling for me. I apologized and we reconciled, but she told me that I'd broken her heart and that she was destroyed. We were fine for a couple of weeks, I began therapy to work on some of my issues, and we agreed to take things slowly, but one day she blocked me on everything without warning. She unblocked me a few weeks later and we started talking again, but since then we've had a period of very hot and cold behavior on her behalf. Where at times, she's friendly and reaches out to maintain a connection. But a lot of the time, she's withdrawn and very, very awkward around me.



4 months ago, we had a long conversation, and we both put our cards on the table. She told me she thought I was an amazing person and she wanted to be close friends because she felt we had a real connection with each other, and both of us felt that the pressure had been taken off. About a month into our new friendship, she started withdrawing again, and stopped viewing my Instagram stories, becoming withdrawn and awkward at times where we'd see each other.



Two months ago, I told her I find her treatment of me being different to our mutual friends and her withdrawing and avoidance confusing and I wasn’t sure if we could be friends. She never replied to the message and we just gave each other space. A month ago we talked, and I was upfront and honest that I have feelings for her but I accept she might not feel the same, but when the time is right I’d like to be friends. She replied immediately and told me she also wanted to be friends.



The other week she complained to a friend when she thought I’d walked past her and ignored her saying hello to me. A week later she had been extremely awkward around me when we were in the gym at the same time, but then asked a question she already knew the answer to so she could initiate a brief conversation. Recently she’s unblocked one of my social media accounts all of a sudden. The last couple of weeks though, she has been very avoidant again, she has made sure to avoid seeing me completely because it would have been her and I alone together.



Despite her consistently citing a desire to be friends, something she's vocalized on multiple occasions, she finds it very difficult to be around me and is very guarded and awkward a lot of the time, whilst being more comfortable and at ease with a lot of our mutual friends. We’ve had a few conversations about being friends, but it doesn’t appear to be something she can manage right now.



I have a lot of empathy for her as she’s clearly struggling with her feelings in some way, and I’m very comfortable giving her the time and space she needs to work through it. She has a lot of tendencies seen in fearful avoidant attachment, and I feel my breaking things off so abruptly has done a lot of damage, and it feels like she’s still hurting in some ways and scared to get close again in case she gets hurt.


Just wanted some independent opinions if I’m probably on the right track with my theory on the likeliest cause of her inconsistent behaviour?

I can relate to some of the things you have said.

I have feelings for a girl. I sort of asked her out for coffee. It went very well, but it was a mission to get her to agree on another "meeting".

Anyway, we talked a lot on the 2nd event and at the end of the day, I told her that I like her. She didn't respond at all. So I started explaining that if she does not want to go further we can just stay friends. I just like to spend time with her. She agreed and said that she does not want a relationship because she wants to focus on studies. She also said to me she is extremely scared for a relationship. Her twin sister recently got her heart broken by a lousy teenager. So she is scared that the same will happen to her. By the way, this is my first time telling somone I like them. I can live with us just being friends. I just enjoy her company and it make me happy

We agreed on just firendship, but the rest of the day was very akward-I felt stupid to have said that to her.

So now we are supposed to be "friends". She doesn't greet me when we walk past each other. I always greet her, then I feel like a fool, almost as if I am greeting a ghost. Sometimes she won't respond to my message and if she does, it's a very short quick answer. I depend on her as a friend. I don't have any other friends.

Recently I asked her if we can go out again. She responded and said that she will look at her schedule and let me know when she is available. It has been 2months since I have heard back from her.

Due to feeling alone again, I contacted her and we talked for a bit on whatsapp. I know life is short and I should just forget her and move on. However I feel like she is special.

 

[user 191131]

Eight months ago, my relationship with my girlfriend ended abruptly after an extremely intense relationship full of chemistry and passion. Whilst we were together, she told me she’d never had feelings for someone like she had for me, she allowed herself to be more vulnerable with me than she ever has with others, even saying she could see herself spending the rest of her life with me.



The reason she gave was because she felt that the more we talked and the closer we got, the stronger her feelings for me became. But because of the age gap between us (she’s mid 20s, I’m late 30s) she wasn't sure if she could make it work. However, somebody recently has told me that it's quite likely that the age gap was an excuse.



Because quite near the end of the relationship, I hurt her very badly by breaking things off because I was jealous of someone she’s friends with.. A few weeks before this, she had told me she was falling for me. I apologized and we reconciled, but she told me that I'd broken her heart and that she was destroyed. We were fine for a couple of weeks, I began therapy to work on some of my issues, and we agreed to take things slowly, but one day she blocked me on everything without warning. She unblocked me a few weeks later and we started talking again, but since then we've had a period of very hot and cold behavior on her behalf. Where at times, she's friendly and reaches out to maintain a connection. But a lot of the time, she's withdrawn and very, very awkward around me.



4 months ago, we had a long conversation, and we both put our cards on the table. She told me she thought I was an amazing person and she wanted to be close friends because she felt we had a real connection with each other, and both of us felt that the pressure had been taken off. About a month into our new friendship, she started withdrawing again, and stopped viewing my Instagram stories, becoming withdrawn and awkward at times where we'd see each other.



Two months ago, I told her I find her treatment of me being different to our mutual friends and her withdrawing and avoidance confusing and I wasn’t sure if we could be friends. She never replied to the message and we just gave each other space. A month ago we talked, and I was upfront and honest that I have feelings for her but I accept she might not feel the same, but when the time is right I’d like to be friends. She replied immediately and told me she also wanted to be friends.



The other week she complained to a friend when she thought I’d walked past her and ignored her saying hello to me. A week later she had been extremely awkward around me when we were in the gym at the same time, but then asked a question she already knew the answer to so she could initiate a brief conversation. Recently she’s unblocked one of my social media accounts all of a sudden. The last couple of weeks though, she has been very avoidant again, she has made sure to avoid seeing me completely because it would have been her and I alone together.



Despite her consistently citing a desire to be friends, something she's vocalized on multiple occasions, she finds it very difficult to be around me and is very guarded and awkward a lot of the time, whilst being more comfortable and at ease with a lot of our mutual friends. We’ve had a few conversations about being friends, but it doesn’t appear to be something she can manage right now.



I have a lot of empathy for her as she’s clearly struggling with her feelings in some way, and I’m very comfortable giving her the time and space she needs to work through it. She has a lot of tendencies seen in fearful avoidant attachment, and I feel my breaking things off so abruptly has done a lot of damage, and it feels like she’s still hurting in some ways and scared to get close again in case she gets hurt.


Just wanted some independent opinions if I’m probably on the right track with my theory on the likeliest cause of her inconsistent behaviour?

Uhhhhh, I know this scenario very, very well. It is an opinion you want, correct? Here it is:

She is opening herself to new experiences that may (or may not) include another man or at least candidates to replace you. But she's caught between fulfilling those ideas with the fact that you are better than nothing so until she can feel confident that your replacement will be "the one" she'll keep you on a string. You said you are/were jealous. Did that worry her or did it make her angry? This is important to know. And was/is your jealousy well-founded or is it only your imagination without reason? That is also important to know.

 

[user 191131]

I can relate to some of the things you have said.

..... I know ..... I should just forget her and move on. However .....

Yes, "however". That's what is killing you, me, and the OP.

 

[user 191131]

The word of a woman cannot be trusted. Not in the least. If they want something from you or if they want you not to do something they will say anything under the moon, sun, and stars to get a specific result or to weasel out of her predicament. They will say really crazy things.

Here is a very recent point of friction I had with my wife. It's about nothing more important than a shower head. I don't know where you are from but over here the shower head can be easily slid up or down. I use it up because I want it over my head as I shampoo my hair. My wife uses it down at shoulder height. Does it matter? I don't think so. Anyway, she complained 3 days ago because I leave it "up" when I'm finished in the shower rather than slide it down to where she likes to have it. I cannot stress how easy it is to slide the thing up or down. It takes literally 2 seconds. So ..... yesterday I just had to ask her why such a simple thing angered her. What she said astounded me! She now claims it is I who is angry when she doesn't slide it up when she leaves the shower! She says I am causing her stress and anxiety over it! What the what? Personally, I think she is trying to find excuses to do exactly what the OP describes, ie, a broken relationship that I created, not her.

“Women. They are a complete mystery to me.” Stephen Hawking.​

 

[RH272]

Here is a very recent point of friction I had with my wife. It's about nothing more important than a shower head. I don't know where you are from but over here the shower head can be easily slid up or down. I use it up because I want it over my head as I shampoo my hair. My wife uses it down at shoulder height. Does it matter? I don't think so. Anyway, she complained 3 days ago because I leave it "up" when I'm finished in the shower rather than slide it down to where she likes to have it. I cannot stress how easy it is to slide the thing up or down. It takes literally 2 seconds. So ..... yesterday I just had to ask her why such a simple thing angered her. What she said astounded me! She now claims it is I who is angry when she doesn't slide it up when she leaves the shower! She says I am causing her stress and anxiety over it! What the what? Personally, I think she is trying to find excuses to do exactly what the OP describes, ie, a broken relationship that I created, not

My dad has this sort of problem. His stomach is very big so he pushes the car seat all the way back when he drives. Then when I climb in or my mom, we adjust it to our preferred distance which is different than his. He gets extremely angry when we don't push the chair back in exactly the way he had it.

So I started confronting him. I asked, Do you return the seat to the distance it was setup for the previous driver? His answer is No. So that was the moment he stopped getting angry about this silly thing.

I would've thought the adjustable showerhead is there to be adjusted for each person. There are ways around this. Shower in separate showers if possible. Maybe there is something else triggering this reaction from her?

 

[user 191131]

.... I asked, Do you return the seat to the distance it was setup for the previous driver? His answer is No. So that was the moment he stopped getting angry about this silly thing.

Baie goed!

I would've thought the adjustable showerhead is there to be adjusted for each person.

Exactly.

... Shower in separate showers if possible.

LOL!

 

[kaetic]

My dad has this sort of problem. His stomach is very big so he pushes the car seat all the way back when he drives. Then when I climb in or my mom, we adjust it to our preferred distance which is different than his. He gets extremely angry when we don't push the chair back in exactly the way he had it.

So I started confronting him. I asked, Do you return the seat to the distance it was setup for the previous driver? His answer is No. So that was the moment he stopped getting angry about this silly thing.

I would've thought the adjustable showerhead is there to be adjusted for each person. There are ways around this. Shower in separate showers if possible. Maybe there is something else triggering this reaction from her?

I can kinda get the car seat thing... it's harder for a big person to get in to adjust the seat after a smaller person has been in there. But still, showerheads, car seats, toilet seats, etc... such silly reasons to get angry. lol

 

[kaetic]

I can relate to some of the things you have said.

I have feelings for a girl. I sort of asked her out for coffee. It went very well, but it was a mission to get her to agree on another "meeting".

Anyway, we talked a lot on the 2nd event and at the end of the day, I told her that I like her. She didn't respond at all. So I started explaining that if she does not want to go further we can just stay friends. I just like to spend time with her. She agreed and said that she does not want a relationship because she wants to focus on studies. She also said to me she is extremely scared for a relationship. Her twin sister recently got her heart broken by a lousy teenager. So she is scared that the same will happen to her. By the way, this is my first time telling somone I like them. I can live with us just being friends. I just enjoy her company and it make me happy

We agreed on just firendship, but the rest of the day was very akward-I felt stupid to have said that to her.

So now we are supposed to be "friends". She doesn't greet me when we walk past each other. I always greet her, then I feel like a fool, almost as if I am greeting a ghost. Sometimes she won't respond to my message and if she does, it's a very short quick answer. I depend on her as a friend. I don't have any other friends.

Recently I asked her if we can go out again. She responded and said that she will look at her schedule and let me know when she is available. It has been 2months since I have heard back from her.

Due to feeling alone again, I contacted her and we talked for a bit on whatsapp. I know life is short and I should just forget her and move on. However I feel like she is special.

Maybe she's trying to avoid "friendzoning" you? Maybe she's trying to give you space, so you can "de-attach?" yourself emotionally? Guys get upset if you're just friends with them, they get upset when you aren't. Basically, there is no nice way to reject some one.