M
MissGuided
Guest
Happy Friday, y'all - enjoy. 
Most people at various gyms don’t fit into any category other than “regular.” There is nothing specifically identifying about them. They’re just average folks at the gym. Then there are those who do fit into a specific group. Here are the ones that come to mind from my many hours of people-watching while pumping iron:
The Maggot Gagger
This is always a guy. Women can get a bit of body odor, but only a man can smell so bad that the stench could knock over the guy who cleans the bathrooms at Taco Bell and leave a bad taste in your mouth for an hour afterward. I think gyms should have a stink detector alarm and security personnel who escort such offenders off the premises in as humiliating a manner as possible.
It’s the only way they’ll learn.
The Compensating for Something-ers
These are men. Well, boys actually. They travel in packs of three to five. They don’t have a clue what they’re doing. They show up and believe the goal of weight lifting is to show off for their friends by lifting as much weight as they can by whatever means necessary. The concept of proper lifting technique never occurs to them. They hover together around one bench and spend about 10 percent of their time lifting and the rest shouting encouragement to their brainless buddies who are doing the funky chicken in an effort to lift far more weight than they are capable of.
Natural selection should take care of them in due course.
Miss Mountain Lion
Also known as the cougar. These women know stuff. You can see it in their eyes. They’ll hurt you if you give them the chance, and I’m not talking about your feelings. They’re usually in really good shape, although parts of them are plastic and there has certainly been some strategic nipping and tucking going on. They often look amazing from the neck down, but the face is difficult to discern through the layers of makeup. I can envision how the next morning could be a frightening experience.
Many of them work hard with weights. They can lift as well as most men. Like I said, they’ll hurt you.
They hunger. Fear them.
Hoop Earring Girl
She’s under 25. She’s hot. She knows this. She never makes eye contact with anyone. She wears expensive and tight-fitting gym attire that show off a figure that has not yet experienced the ravages of gravity. Her hair and makeup are done to perfection. She also wears jewelry -- even perfume -- to the gym. She wears headphones to tune out would-be suitors. She doesn’t want to talk to you. She pretends she doesn’t see you drooling over her.
She shows up, does 15 minutes at low intensity on a stair-climber -- hardly enough to break a sweat -- stretches a little, then leaves. If she keeps going to the gym, eventually she will transform into Miss Mountain Lion.
The Screamer
These are the guys who, while lifting, sound like they’re either giving birth to a harbor seal or getting a colonoscopy from a guy operating a jackhammer.
Señor Spandex
Also known as TMI guy. It’s just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
The Tsunami
This guy shows up sweaty. By the time he’s done, he is a walking puddle of protoplasm. Sometimes he is also a Maggot Gagger.
The Wife Beater
The guy wearing a snug, white, ribbed tank top. Mullet optional.
The Juicer
Usually male, but not always. They tend to hang out in hardcore gyms that cater to their lifestyle of injecting whatever toxic concoction they can get their hands on in an effort to build mass.
They look like aliens. When not at the gym, they can be seen hanging out on the cover of magazines that have the word “muscle” in the title.
Impacted Colon Guy
Well, judging by the weird way he struts around the gym, there has to be something shoved up there. This guy is often also a Screamer and possibly a Juicer.
The Just Shut the Hell Up Already-er
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. If they spent as much time working their muscles as they did their jaws, then they’d be huge.
The Strong Man
He’s at least 50. He has a moustache, but not the fabulous Freddy Mercury kind; more the “I don’t give a crap what you think about my face” kind. He’s got a sizable gut. Every meal he eats includes either bacon or beef. He looks like a myocardial infarction waiting to happen.
He can bench-press you and your entire family.
He doesn’t talk to anyone. As far as he’s concerned, there isn’t anyone at the gym worthy of his attention. He’s been lifting since Schwarzenegger wore short pants, and he makes everyone else look feeble by comparison.
Try not to piss him off.
The Abdominator
Usually a young male who has this odd habit of lifting up his shirt to wipe nonexistent sweat away from his forehead, revealing a chiseled six-pack. For some reason, this action always coincides with proximity to a young, attractive female.
Since his eyes are covered by his shirt, he cannot see that she is rolling hers.
The Hoarder
I’ve seen women do this, but it's usually a guy thing. They're obsessed with multiple varieties of supersets and compound sets. Such an approach to exercise is admirable, but during busy gym times trying to carve out a fiefdom of several pieces of equipment that no one else is permitted to touch qualifies as douchbaggery. It's annoying to see one of the few bench presses abandoned for several minutes with plates still on it, and when you finally decide to go and use it, the Hoarder charges up, indignant, proclaiming, "I'm using that!"
Horders deserve to have a premenstrual crocodile shoved down their pants.
The Barracuda
Just like a cougar -- a prowler of young men -- except older.
And hungrier.
The Fisherman
This is the guy who considers the gym to be his personal Plenty Of Fish and hits on every person lacking a Y chromosome. He lives by the adage that it you fire off enough rounds, eventually you'll hit something.
The stench coming off him isn't B.O.; it's desperation.
Herculass
She is a female version of Hercules, and she can lift more than you. She's tough, focused and she doesn't want to talk to any fishermen. In most cases, she doesn't want to talk to anybody because she’s too busy kicking ass with the iron.
Try not to hurt yourself attempting to keep up with her. She is not impressed.
The Lost Boy
Young, skinny, pimply and clueless as to what to do in the gym. His face betrays one of constant confusion as he inspects the equipment. The only thing he seems to know how to do well is drool while wandering around looking at Hoop Earring Girls.
The Tongue Depressors
A couple joined at the hip, regularly engaging in public displays of affection between sets. A just and righteous god would cause his boner to get slammed between two 45-pound plates.
The Earthquake
He resembles an NFL offensive lineman. Two of them. When his mother gave birth to him, her screams shattered half the windows in the hospital. He eats large farm animals whole, and his workout regimen includes shoulder pressing the leg press, plates and all.
Give him a wide berth.
The Accessorizer
They're a virtual shopping center of weightlifting equipment: belts, gloves, straps, chalk, notebooks and bottles containing a milky purple liquid. They seem incapable of working out without this cornucopia of loot that they haul from station to station.
[Insert joke here about compensating for something.]
Captain Skull Candy
This is the person wearing headphones the size of a Smart Car while working out. They take rejection of crappy gym music to an extreme.
Helen Keller
Captain Skull Candy plus sunglasses. I have seen them. They exist.
One Size Fits Most
This is the guy who wears those super-tight Under Armour T-shirts to the gym despite sporting a belly that looks like he's well into his third trimester.
He needs a girlfriend, if for no other reason than to have someone help him with clothes shopping.
Not Quite Awake Yet
They wear pajamas to the gym. Apparently that's a thing now.
Can You Hear Me Now?
The person who occasionally lifts weights in between cell phone calls.
The brain tumor will get them before too long.
Altitude Sickness
The person who puts the treadmill on full incline and walks at a fast pace while hanging onto the hand rails for dear life.
Aka: Mountain-Climbing Wannabe.
Dromedary Phalanges
Dromedary: Noun. "The one-humped domesticated camel (Camelus dromedarius, widely used as a beast of burden in northern Africa and western Asia. Also called Arabian camel." Just think of this simply as "camel."
Phalanges: Noun: "Any of the small bones of the fingers or toes in humans or the digits of many other vertebrates." Think of this as "toe."
If you're confused, the meaning here is camel toe -- the people with pants so tight and so high you can basically see their ... You know. You try to avoid looking, but it's so hard to stop.
Most people at various gyms don’t fit into any category other than “regular.” There is nothing specifically identifying about them. They’re just average folks at the gym. Then there are those who do fit into a specific group. Here are the ones that come to mind from my many hours of people-watching while pumping iron:
The Maggot Gagger
This is always a guy. Women can get a bit of body odor, but only a man can smell so bad that the stench could knock over the guy who cleans the bathrooms at Taco Bell and leave a bad taste in your mouth for an hour afterward. I think gyms should have a stink detector alarm and security personnel who escort such offenders off the premises in as humiliating a manner as possible.
It’s the only way they’ll learn.
The Compensating for Something-ers
These are men. Well, boys actually. They travel in packs of three to five. They don’t have a clue what they’re doing. They show up and believe the goal of weight lifting is to show off for their friends by lifting as much weight as they can by whatever means necessary. The concept of proper lifting technique never occurs to them. They hover together around one bench and spend about 10 percent of their time lifting and the rest shouting encouragement to their brainless buddies who are doing the funky chicken in an effort to lift far more weight than they are capable of.
Natural selection should take care of them in due course.
Miss Mountain Lion
Also known as the cougar. These women know stuff. You can see it in their eyes. They’ll hurt you if you give them the chance, and I’m not talking about your feelings. They’re usually in really good shape, although parts of them are plastic and there has certainly been some strategic nipping and tucking going on. They often look amazing from the neck down, but the face is difficult to discern through the layers of makeup. I can envision how the next morning could be a frightening experience.
Many of them work hard with weights. They can lift as well as most men. Like I said, they’ll hurt you.
They hunger. Fear them.
Hoop Earring Girl
She’s under 25. She’s hot. She knows this. She never makes eye contact with anyone. She wears expensive and tight-fitting gym attire that show off a figure that has not yet experienced the ravages of gravity. Her hair and makeup are done to perfection. She also wears jewelry -- even perfume -- to the gym. She wears headphones to tune out would-be suitors. She doesn’t want to talk to you. She pretends she doesn’t see you drooling over her.
She shows up, does 15 minutes at low intensity on a stair-climber -- hardly enough to break a sweat -- stretches a little, then leaves. If she keeps going to the gym, eventually she will transform into Miss Mountain Lion.
The Screamer
These are the guys who, while lifting, sound like they’re either giving birth to a harbor seal or getting a colonoscopy from a guy operating a jackhammer.
Señor Spandex
Also known as TMI guy. It’s just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
The Tsunami
This guy shows up sweaty. By the time he’s done, he is a walking puddle of protoplasm. Sometimes he is also a Maggot Gagger.
The Wife Beater
The guy wearing a snug, white, ribbed tank top. Mullet optional.
The Juicer
Usually male, but not always. They tend to hang out in hardcore gyms that cater to their lifestyle of injecting whatever toxic concoction they can get their hands on in an effort to build mass.
They look like aliens. When not at the gym, they can be seen hanging out on the cover of magazines that have the word “muscle” in the title.
Impacted Colon Guy
Well, judging by the weird way he struts around the gym, there has to be something shoved up there. This guy is often also a Screamer and possibly a Juicer.
The Just Shut the Hell Up Already-er
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. If they spent as much time working their muscles as they did their jaws, then they’d be huge.
The Strong Man
He’s at least 50. He has a moustache, but not the fabulous Freddy Mercury kind; more the “I don’t give a crap what you think about my face” kind. He’s got a sizable gut. Every meal he eats includes either bacon or beef. He looks like a myocardial infarction waiting to happen.
He can bench-press you and your entire family.
He doesn’t talk to anyone. As far as he’s concerned, there isn’t anyone at the gym worthy of his attention. He’s been lifting since Schwarzenegger wore short pants, and he makes everyone else look feeble by comparison.
Try not to piss him off.
The Abdominator
Usually a young male who has this odd habit of lifting up his shirt to wipe nonexistent sweat away from his forehead, revealing a chiseled six-pack. For some reason, this action always coincides with proximity to a young, attractive female.
Since his eyes are covered by his shirt, he cannot see that she is rolling hers.
The Hoarder
I’ve seen women do this, but it's usually a guy thing. They're obsessed with multiple varieties of supersets and compound sets. Such an approach to exercise is admirable, but during busy gym times trying to carve out a fiefdom of several pieces of equipment that no one else is permitted to touch qualifies as douchbaggery. It's annoying to see one of the few bench presses abandoned for several minutes with plates still on it, and when you finally decide to go and use it, the Hoarder charges up, indignant, proclaiming, "I'm using that!"
Horders deserve to have a premenstrual crocodile shoved down their pants.
The Barracuda
Just like a cougar -- a prowler of young men -- except older.
And hungrier.
The Fisherman
This is the guy who considers the gym to be his personal Plenty Of Fish and hits on every person lacking a Y chromosome. He lives by the adage that it you fire off enough rounds, eventually you'll hit something.
The stench coming off him isn't B.O.; it's desperation.
Herculass
She is a female version of Hercules, and she can lift more than you. She's tough, focused and she doesn't want to talk to any fishermen. In most cases, she doesn't want to talk to anybody because she’s too busy kicking ass with the iron.
Try not to hurt yourself attempting to keep up with her. She is not impressed.
The Lost Boy
Young, skinny, pimply and clueless as to what to do in the gym. His face betrays one of constant confusion as he inspects the equipment. The only thing he seems to know how to do well is drool while wandering around looking at Hoop Earring Girls.
The Tongue Depressors
A couple joined at the hip, regularly engaging in public displays of affection between sets. A just and righteous god would cause his boner to get slammed between two 45-pound plates.
The Earthquake
He resembles an NFL offensive lineman. Two of them. When his mother gave birth to him, her screams shattered half the windows in the hospital. He eats large farm animals whole, and his workout regimen includes shoulder pressing the leg press, plates and all.
Give him a wide berth.
The Accessorizer
They're a virtual shopping center of weightlifting equipment: belts, gloves, straps, chalk, notebooks and bottles containing a milky purple liquid. They seem incapable of working out without this cornucopia of loot that they haul from station to station.
[Insert joke here about compensating for something.]
Captain Skull Candy
This is the person wearing headphones the size of a Smart Car while working out. They take rejection of crappy gym music to an extreme.
Helen Keller
Captain Skull Candy plus sunglasses. I have seen them. They exist.
One Size Fits Most
This is the guy who wears those super-tight Under Armour T-shirts to the gym despite sporting a belly that looks like he's well into his third trimester.
He needs a girlfriend, if for no other reason than to have someone help him with clothes shopping.
Not Quite Awake Yet
They wear pajamas to the gym. Apparently that's a thing now.
Can You Hear Me Now?
The person who occasionally lifts weights in between cell phone calls.
The brain tumor will get them before too long.
Altitude Sickness
The person who puts the treadmill on full incline and walks at a fast pace while hanging onto the hand rails for dear life.
Aka: Mountain-Climbing Wannabe.
Dromedary Phalanges
Dromedary: Noun. "The one-humped domesticated camel (Camelus dromedarius, widely used as a beast of burden in northern Africa and western Asia. Also called Arabian camel." Just think of this simply as "camel."
Phalanges: Noun: "Any of the small bones of the fingers or toes in humans or the digits of many other vertebrates." Think of this as "toe."
If you're confused, the meaning here is camel toe -- the people with pants so tight and so high you can basically see their ... You know. You try to avoid looking, but it's so hard to stop.
