Really that Useful?

[All In The Mind]

Looking through the numerous topis and posts, I see countless people offering advice but what makes you the expert?

"I know what you're going through" and "i had the samel feelings" are sentences i see often throughout posts but are these lines we should really be using?

Every individual is unique and for people to believe they can put themselves on the samel level as another person is nonsense. It's as though people are getting a satisfaction from throwing their own views at the person, benefiting themselves more than anyone else and pursuing their own agenda.

Yes, i believe in the empathic nature of this forum and i believe this quality is shown in a lot of people. It's just i feel more time is needed to allow the person to find their own answers, rather than respond with advice and guidance which most of the time probably won't be any use at all.

Just remember that when your replying to someone's distress on here to take a moment and think about what you are writing. Are you attempting to connect with this person or are you simply recyling your own waste?

I'm not attacking the forum or anyone here. I'm simply expressing my current viewpoint towards this place.

 

[SophiaGrace]

i think also, that when we respond to threads, we are limited by our own knowledge. Like, most of us here don't have a degree in psychology, so we are limited in what we say to people.

I think most people here do their best to listen.

I think most people genuinely do want to see others on this forum succeed and break past the chains of loneliness.

So, our advice, though not from a professional/thoroughly informed viewpoint, is given, mostly, with the attempt to assist.

Sometimes telling a person that you've been through something similar, I think, can decrease feelings of being "weird" or a "freak" in the Original Poster, instead of stealing the "spotlight" if done correctly. If done incorrectly, it can be detrimental to helping the OP. So I agree with you here in some cases.

 

[Enchanted Girl]

I don't think there's anything wrong with giving advice. I think what you just said only applies to people who insist that their perspective on the situation is right and that the person HAS to listen to their advice, even if they disagree.

I never mind advice giving. What I mind is nagging, when people follow me around, blaming me all the time for my problems just because I complained to them about them once and insisting that I either do what they say or it's my own fault for being stuck where I am.

When people say,"How about trying this or this?" though, it's fine.

I also agree with SophiaGrace.

And want to point out that advice giving is much better than other things . . . . like no one responding at all or like someone making fun of you for your problem.

Advice giving shows that the other person is both on your side (cares about your problem) and also took the time to read what you said.

All that being said, sometimes people just want to talk to someone and the other person to just listen, but that's better done face to face than on an online forum. I've read lots of threads, here and elsewhere, that I had nothing to say in response to and therefore the author of it will never know I read everything they wrote.

People can get annoyed by any response as well. I've had lots of people get annoyed just because I said I could relate to them. Not even giving advice or anything. Just being sympathetic and sharing and comparing experiences. They think that I can't relate and are angry at me for trying or they might misinterpret me and think I'm trying to make the conversation about myself instead.

I think when you have a problem, to some degree, you need to not expect absolute perfection from the responses you receive. It puts too much pressure on the person reading or listening to what you just said and makes them not want to listen.

It's better to look at the intentions of the poster, which is what I do.

If they're nagging me, then they're being judgmental for instance.

While if they are just giving some advice, they are trying to be helpful.

If they're flaming me, they're being malicious.

If they are sharing similar experiences, they are trying to empathize.

Whether I agree with what they say or not, their intentions towards me are the important part.

It doesn't help to be angry and attack the people who are trying to be on your side. You're not letting them do so. No, you may not like perfectly what they have to say, but their intentions are more important than their words.

 

[SophiaGrace]

It's better to look at the intentions of the poster, which is what I do.

I totally agree with this.

 

[Minus]

"I know what you're going through" and "i had the samel feelings" are sentences i see often throughout posts but are these lines we should really be using?

I think that is usually used more as a matter of empathizing with a person than trying to state credentials as any type of expert.

I would agree that a degree of caution should be used in both giving and accepting advice, especially with new people when you may only have a couple sentences to base anything on. Things are rarely that clear cut.

 

[eris]

So the forum should be full of posts with 0 replies ?

 

[Minus]

If the choice is between no replies or reckless advice, then yes, no replies would be better.

Some people don't even want advice. That generally isn't a problem and doesn't stop responses.

What i was referring to was things that i have seen elsewhere on couple other forums, where someone could write a four sentence introduction.

Based on those four sentences, they would be often be told things like that they NEEDED to...

1. Get on this or that drug.
2. Start seeing a shrink.
3. Divorce their spouse.

Even a licensed and trained physician is going to want to see a person before determining if they need medication and what type. There is no way amateurs can determine such a thing in four sentences when even a professional can't.

Encouraging people to make life changes based on so little information can possibly be damaging. One of the people encouraged to get a divorce based on so little information turned out to have serious mental problems and her story had no basis in reality. Just a little more information made it clear that nothing added up.

 

[Badjedidude]

Just remember that when your replying to someone's distress on here to take a moment and think about what you are writing. Are you attempting to connect with this person or are you simply recyling your own waste?

I'm not attacking the forum or anyone here. I'm simply expressing my current viewpoint towards this place.

You are perfectly free to leave this forum and go elsewhere to some place where people don't talk to each other, if that's what you're looking for. I understand what you're saying, but you could have said it in a slightly less caustic manner.

It's just i feel more time is needed to allow the person to find their own answers, rather than respond with advice and guidance which most of the time probably won't be any use at all.

Who are you to say that it isn't of any use?

On the contrary, several people have told me (and posted in their threads) that replies were a great help to them, even if only to remind them that they aren't experiencing something alone.

In short:

BE LESS JUDGMENTAL OF MATTERS THAT DON'T DIRECTLY CONCERN YOU.... unless others replying to people asking for advice somehow puts a shadow or stain on your personal life.........................................................................?
kthxbai

 

[futurecatlady]

If the choice is between no replies or reckless advice, then yes, no replies would be better.

Some people don't even want advice. That generally isn't a problem and doesn't stop responses.

What i was referring to was things that i have seen elsewhere on couple other forums, where someone could write a four sentence introduction.

Based on those four sentences, they would be often be told things like that they NEEDED to...

1. Get on this or that drug.
2. Start seeing a shrink.
3. Divorce their spouse.

Even a licensed and trained physician is going to want to see a person before determining if they need medication and what type. There is no way amateurs can determine such a thing in four sentences when even a professional can't.

Encouraging people to make life changes based on so little information can possibly be damaging. One of the people encouraged to get a divorce based on so little information turned out to have serious mental problems and her story had no basis in reality. Just a little more information made it clear that nothing added up.

Minus, you're really cool. Just saying.

In response to the OP, I can see your point. There is a difference between empathizing and saying "Yeah, totally. Well, let me tell you about MY problem." which is something I see in real life a lot more than on this forum, but I agree that it is not very helpful.

 

[eris]

If the choice is between no replies or reckless advice, then yes, no replies would be better.

Some people don't even want advice. That generally isn't a problem and doesn't stop responses.

What i was referring to was things that i have seen elsewhere on couple other forums, where someone could write a four sentence introduction.

Based on those four sentences, they would be often be told things like that they NEEDED to...

1. Get on this or that drug.
2. Start seeing a shrink.
3. Divorce their spouse.

Even a licensed and trained physician is going to want to see a person before determining if they need medication and what type. There is no way amateurs can determine such a thing in four sentences when even a professional can't.

Encouraging people to make life changes based on so little information can possibly be damaging. One of the people encouraged to get a divorce based on so little information turned out to have serious mental problems and her story had no basis in reality. Just a little more information made it clear that nothing added up.

Yes, I agree. It is not good to assume things and diagnose them. Sometimes people just want to vent.

What I mean is I do not agree that we should let threads have 0 replies as opposed to having people "recycle their own garbage" with replies that would have "no use at all" that only "pursue your own agenda." I dont think anyone does any of that on purpose. A lot of times peole just dont know what else to say.

(those are all direct quotes from the OP)
____________________________________________________________

Personally, I dont know how to draw from the experiences of other people, so what Ive got is all I have to give to others.

I think people should pay more attention to "views". Higher views make me feel good. It means someone took a moment to think about you. That is all i really want.

 

[grainofrice24]

I agree with pretty much all the responses here.

Granted, most of us here that take the time to offer advice don't have PhD's in Psychology/Sociology etc. but I think people who post here know that. Going through similar experiences (which lead to replies containing phrases like "I know what you're going through") doesn't make us experts, but having someone share their approach and hindsight on a similar situation can help deal with your own.

As readers, it is important (as Enchanted Girl said) to evaluate the intentions of the person seeking advice. Sometimes someone might be looking for others to validate their self-destructive behavior and a flood of differing opinions could snap the person out of it. But I also agree that groupthink is very dangerous phenomenon, it can drive people to do both good and bad things.

I think in the end we have to give a little more credit to the poster. Someone who comes here seeking advice is hoping that (s)he does get replies, and often a reply that says little more than "I know how you feel" is more comforting than no reply at all. But the poster should (and often will) pass the advice they receive here through their own thought process and evaluate it properly before taking any rash action. It is impossible in a million words to describe all the details that combine to form the situation some of us find ourselves in. Thus all the advice here comes with a grain of salt (or in my case a grain of rice ), and people should understand that the decisions they make are ultimately their own and not to be held against some anonymous person who took the time to reply to their post.

The people at ALL are here to help, they've been helpful to me very much and I'm very grateful that they're around (you guys rock!...I wish I could take you all out for pancakes ). They offer a helpful hand that types responses and an open ear to hear you out, and it's all free. Nobody forces you to read, nobody forces you to write...we all do it because we want to/feel like it.

Here's to ALL!

 

[Minus]

What I mean is I do not agree that we should let threads have 0 replies as opposed to having people "recycle their own garbage" with replies that would have "no use at all" that only "pursue your own agenda." I dont think anyone does any of that on purpose. A lot of times peole just dont know what else to say.

I see. I agree. There are even people who directly ask for advice or opinions. Others just imply that that is what they are looking for. It would be bad form to just ignore such requests as a blanket rule. People help as best they can. Some based on personal experience. I am sure the value varies based on a lot of factors including the problem being addressed. I would be reluctant to write it all off as garbage or the pursuit of a personal agenda.

 

[All In The Mind]

You are perfectly free to leave this forum and go elsewhere to some place where people don't talk to each other, if that's what you're looking for. I understand what you're saying, but you could have said it in a slightly less caustic manner.

I am well aware of that but yet i still find myself drawn here for some reason i do not know of.

It's all in the damn mind.

 

[Brian]

I think most people here do their best to listen.

I think most people genuinely do want to see others on this forum succeed and break past the chains of loneliness.

So, our advice, though not from a professional/thoroughly informed viewpoint, is given, mostly, with the attempt to assist.

Sophia pretty much sums it up, for me.

I am not a psychologist, here or in real life. In real life I am John Doe. I have a job that I work and dreams in my head and things that make me happy. I have things that make me sad, and I have things that bring me to my knees, so low I could never imagine or even express it without having experienced it in that very moment.

That is my background which I draw on to hopefully make things a little easier for somebody else who comes here, as I have. I do not offer solutions or brick-solid answers. I offer reassurance, maybe someone to relate to, and occasionally on a few subjects, I do have some strong advice that I would like to think is fairly sound. I think this is what most of us offer, and between us all I'd like to think we cover a wide variety of topics to advise on when the time calls for it.



I don't think I reply to as many threads as I used to. I feel that I have largely recycled everything I can think of to say, and it doesn't feel right to me to just reply with a "There, there, it'll be ok, have a pretend internet hug". But I do read and I do feel. I have limited my responses, though, to avoid being the broken record player.

I dont think anyone does any of that on purpose. A lot of times peole just dont know what else to say.

Exactly. I feel this so often. What can I say, without making a mockery of certain situations?

If I feel I've experienced (or am experiencing) something somebody else is talking about, I will say so if I haven't said it recently somewhere else. I might have a way around it that worked for me, or I might just offer some fellowship. Fellowship helped me when I started posting here. I've worked through a number of wet, miserable days in the woods eager to come see what's new here simply because it's so different from the normal world. I know that here, someone at least 'gets' me. Something I don't find elsewhere very often.

I hope other people can at least get that much.

 

[Nina]

All in the Mind,
I too agree with most of whats been said before me but what you need to also consider in many of these words of comfort and empathy is what they generate off the boards, in PM and e-mail. Because someone takes a moment and shares a bit of their own story with you that can be seen as an invitation to deeper communications.
I can state from my own experience here, during a recent 'rocky-road' in my world, it was made much easier to deal with hearing that others shared similar issues and folks here offered me a lot of kind words and comfort. The perspectives others shared with me helped clear up my own views on some matters. I made honest and true friendships in those messages that will more than likely last me a lifetime. Sometimes the words we see on a thread are just the first steps in opening doors to valuable friendships.