Self acceptance, then look for a relationship.

[Tiina63]

My counsellor has said to me several times over the last few months that I have to become more self confident and accept myself first before looking for a relationship and, for the first time, I am starting to think that she could be right. When I think of some of the bad relationships I have had, my low self esteem kept me in them long past the time when I should have left them. Has anyone here done a lot of work on improving their self esteem? If so, what did you do and what did you find helped you the most? And was it easier to meet someone who treated you properly once you felt better about yourself? I have to say that not looking for someone is hard, because I am so lonely, but on the other hand, if working on myself first helps, then in the longtterm it is the best thing to do.
It's hard to stop hating myself, because I have done so for so long that it feels as natural as breathing. I'm finding that being myself is something that I have to work at becauase I am so used to not being myself with people. I said to my counsellor that I have to accept that I am not very outgoing and am not a natural entertainer. I have always felt pressurised to pretend to be far more outgoing than I really am and now I am thinking that its time to drop the mask becuase it is too exhausting to wear it.
Sorry to sound disorganised.

 

[SophiaGrace]

self acceptance like this quote?

"There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you'll ever be. Then you accept it... or you kill yourself." - Londo Mollari

 

[SophiaGrace]

Wow all the responses you give to other people threads and no one responds to you besides me. =l wtf.

Anyways, sorry about the quote. IT's a bit cynical. But i guess you feel like people wouldn't accept you for who you are. but if you aren't yourself you arent going to find the people who will accept you for who you are.

It sucks that society only values extroverts. Introverts should be valued as well.

i hope that when you let your light shine that you will find more happiness. *hug*

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I have a hard time accepting myself, it's true.

But I definitely need to, if I ever want to be happy.

 

[Kat]

Maybe if your self esteem is higher, you have standards and boundaries and accept rejection and then move on easily.... so maybe, likely, you end up in a good relationship because you know you are worth it to not accept anything less than good and there is little to no fear about if this person will like you, if you will be alone etc. Hope that makes sense.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

It does make sense.

But it's hard trying to build self esteem, when you feel so worthless, and other people verify it.

I went to the store today. A group of young women, all hotties, looked at me and then looked away. I might as well have been invisible.

 

[SophiaGrace]

It does make sense.

But it's hard trying to build self esteem, when you feel so worthless, and other people verify it.

I went to the store today. A group of young women, all hotties, looked at me and then looked away. I might as well have been invisible.

You didn't say hi? Well people look away from me all the time. You mostly have to do most of the work if you want any results. Or at least that's what i've found.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

You didn't say hi?

I was too nervous to say hi.

 

[Ak5]

Yeah, low self esteem usually leads to bad relationships. And sometimes no relationships at all.

I ask myself: Would I date a girl who is depressed every single day? No I wouldn't. That teaches me to not be a hypocrite! Start loving yourself, be confident, and then it'll be much easier.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Self acceptence is one of the first step.

Not competing or comparing ourselves to others.

It's prefernce...it's all preferences.


Stop worrying so much what others think.
Dont let people rent space in your head.

Also dont run with the negative crap or committee in your head either.

Stop beating up on yourself. Stop being over critical.
If you stop beating up on yourself....you're not going to put up with BS
or let others beat you up either.
Yes...we can evautate situations....to make correction or improve our performace.
Learn how to separate the performance from the performer.
You are not your actions.
example...I'm a musician...Sometimes I play lots of crappy notes.
Other times...I seldom make mistakes. My performace varies.
I also record myself, and listen to myself on play back....Listen to mistakes and make corrects as needed.
Its a common technique musicians use to improve thier performance.
Never ever beat up on the performer.
It's a simple principles that most counselors or theropist will get people to start applying in thier lives.

Own up to your actions and mistakes.( everyone makes mistake or **** up really bad sometimes).

No one is smarter than you or have anymore answers to life than you.

Praise seeking also stems from low self esteem.
Seeking approvals from others....ect

Create a positive internal dialog. Do postitive self talk.
I also made a recording of myself saying 100 postive things
about myself. I listen to it everyday.
Were are constantly being program...So I might as will program
myself with positive things about myself.
Postive message pops into my head more often now.

Let go on old ideas and unworkable beliefs.
(old programming or conditioning)

You are complete , perfect and whole already.

Self esteem = self worth.
Its how I FEEL and look at myself.
You simple just have to sit down and acknowlege this simple FACT and TRUTH.
YOUR FEELINGS comes from INSIDE OF YOU.....not other people.
You can trigger good feeling or bad feelings anytime you want.
It's just AWEARNESS or BEING AWAKEN TO this simple FACT or TRUTH.

When a chair hits your knee....the pains comes from your knees (feelings),
Not the chair.....
Its a simple FACT...its too simple. It gives complicated people headaches.

Learn how to separate yourself from your FEELINGS, THOUGHTS and BEHAVIORS.
You have feelings, thoughts and behaviors....
again....you're the performer, principle.
As some wouls say...you're spiritually perfect, complete and whole already.

example...a $100 dollor bill can be stepped on, cumble, washed...etc...etc
It's still going to be worth $100.

I'm worth more than anything in this world.....

You dont have to do ****....(what this dose is releave tensions)
You have a chioce.


These are all basic recovery tools....
Healthy living tools or to get people to practice having good self esteem.

The 12steps programms also has the 12 traditions.
The traditions teaches people EQUALLY....GOOD SELF ESTEEM.
NO BIG I or little U....

a quote from AA big book....
If i think I'm better than anyone....I'm playing god.
If I think I'm less than anyone...I'm also playing god.

Theres EGO and pride....Pride or EGO in reverse, also
If I think I'm less than others.....its still my EGO.

YOU DONT LACK SELF ESTEEM....its your perceptions and awearness.

 

[Tiina63]

Thank you for all of your responses.
Spohia Grace, thank you for your hug. I will let you know what my counsellor says this coming Thursday when I ask her for advice on how to build up my confidence. I know that some people do find introverts dull, but I am now trying to tell myself that these are often the sort of people who rely on others to entertain them and who cannot entertain themselves. My mum was very etraverted and always told me that I was boring and dull to live with because I wasn't constantly chatting and outgoing. Other very extraverted people have given me the same message.
Leaning into the muse-yes, when you feel worthless and others verify it, it is so hard to build self esteem. I have so many people's voices from the past in my head telling me that I am defective for being me, and it is taking so much effort to push them out and away from me. Part of me is thinking-can they all have been wrong? I feel so sorry for you over your experience in the store. It is awful to feel so invisible. I can understand why you didn't say hello to the girls, because when you have low self esteem, saying hello can demand so much courage. And they were in a group and you were alone, which put you at a disadvantage.
Lonesome crow-your words-'separate the performance from the performer' are very wise. We are generally encouraged to see oursleves as our actions- so many times I have come home from a social event and torn myself to pieces for something I have said or not said. And society as a whole tends to make us focus on what we do rather than on who we are. Also your words 'you don't have to do ****' are helpful. I always feel that I have to pretend to be more outgoing than I am, yet in reality I really dont have to. There is noone forcing a gun to my head to make me talk more.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Yes, but I'm kicking myself for it, too, because I should have said hi.

I shouldn't let fear dictate how I live my life.

 

[Tiina63]

Instead of kicking yourself, tell yourself that if the chance comes up again that next time you will say hi.

 

[putter65]

Self acceptence is one of the first step.

Not competing or comparing ourselves to others.

It's prefernce...it's all preferences.


Stop worrying so much what others think.
Dont let people rent space in your head.

Also dont run with the negative crap or committee in your head either.

Stop beating up on yourself. Stop being over critical.
If you stop beating up on yourself....you're not going to put up with BS
or let others beat you up either.
Yes...we can evautate situations....to make correction or improve our performace.
Learn how to separate the performance from the performer.
You are not your actions.
example...I'm a musician...Sometimes I play lots of crappy notes.
Other times...I seldom make mistakes. My performace varies.
I also record myself, and listen to myself on play back....Listen to mistakes and make corrects as needed.
Its a common technique musicians use to improve thier performance.
Never ever beat up on the performer.
It's a simple principles that most counselors or theropist will get people to start applying in thier lives.

Own up to your actions and mistakes.( everyone makes mistake or **** up really bad sometimes).

No one is smarter than you or have anymore answers to life than you.

Praise seeking also stems from low self esteem.
Seeking approvals from others....ect

Create a positive internal dialog. Do postitive self talk.
I also made a recording of myself saying 100 postive things
about myself. I listen to it everyday.
Were are constantly being program...So I might as will program
myself with positive things about myself.
Postive message pops into my head more often now.

Let go on old ideas and unworkable beliefs.
(old programming or conditioning)

You are complete , perfect and whole already.

Self esteem = self worth.
Its how I FEEL and look at myself.
You simple just have to sit down and acknowlege this simple FACT and TRUTH.
YOUR FEELINGS comes from INSIDE OF YOU.....not other people.
You can trigger good feeling or bad feelings anytime you want.
It's just AWEARNESS or BEING AWAKEN TO this simple FACT or TRUTH.

When a chair hits your knee....the pains comes from your knees (feelings),
Not the chair.....
Its a simple FACT...its too simple. It gives complicated people headaches.

Learn how to separate yourself from your FEELINGS, THOUGHTS and BEHAVIORS.
You have feelings, thoughts and behaviors....
again....you're the performer, principle.
As some wouls say...you're spiritually perfect, complete and whole already.

example...a $100 dollor bill can be stepped on, cumble, washed...etc...etc
It's still going to be worth $100.

I'm worth more than anything in this world.....

You dont have to do ****....(what this dose is releave tensions)
You have a chioce.


These are all basic recovery tools....
Healthy living tools or to get people to practice having good self esteem.

The 12steps programms also has the 12 traditions.
The traditions teaches people EQUALLY....GOOD SELF ESTEEM.
NO BIG I or little U....

a quote from AA big book....
If i think I'm better than anyone....I'm playing god.
If I think I'm less than anyone...I'm also playing god.

Theres EGO and pride....Pride or EGO in reverse, also
If I think I'm less than others.....its still my EGO.

YOU DONT LACK SELF ESTEEM....its your perceptions and awearness.

A good post, hope people on here read it and take it in !

 

[SophiaGrace]

You didn't say hi?

I was too nervous to say hi.

Ah, yeah I get like that whenever someone starts crying around me in public. I'm like "..." and go all awkward

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

Some advice: do not look for a relationship. A relationship will come to you when you least expect it. Instead, go do the things you like to do and be around people you feel comfortable with, not in competition with. That's when you least expect you will find somebody you can truly love. It will happen. Good luck out there.

 

[Tiina63]

Thank you joejoeyjoseph. My counsellor thinks along similiar lines. She encourages me to go out and about socially to build up my confidence. It's hard because I tend to come home and worry about things I have said etc, but I know I have to keep pushing myself. She also thinks I might meet someone this way, instead of using dating sites. In a way I am glad she said to leave it for now, because it has taken a lot of stress off me.

 

[blackdot]

The only problem with waiting for self acceptance is that by the time you get to that point, it's too late to start finding a date.

I found that by waiting till my mid-30's when I knew who I was and was at a point where I could provide for someone else, everyone else was already taken.

Unfortunately after a few years of figuring that out, I no longer accept myself. *laughs*

i hope things work out better for you.

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

...It's hard because I tend to come home and worry about things I have said etc...

I do that too, lol. I've responded by saying less, actually. There's this trick I do when I "talk" to people, hehehee... So I get them talking, then I really practice listening and actually repeating some of what they're saying in my head. This really gets me focusing into their eyes instead of the lack of eye contact I normally have with others. This also makes sure I am comprehending what they're saying. And when it seems like they're nearing to a conclusion of some sort, I just kind of parrot the last part of what they're saying to get them to keep on talking! Is that rude? No. Because I've noticed that people (besides me) love to talk.

So they go: I went to the movies the other night. Have you seen anything good lately?

And I go: Movies? There's a lot of good ones in the theaters right now. Which one did you see?

They go: Grey. It's this crazy story about Liam Neeson. He gets lost in the wild...

And I go: Oh! Sounds like a Liam Neeson movie. Are you a fan?

And then they go on and on about Liam Neeson and I barely have to just keep nudging them on like so. But I don't change the subject and I don't really offer much, in all honesty. But that's also the way I've learned that I like a conversation! ;o)

 

[Tiina63]

Hello Blackdot-I am a fair bit older than you, and so a few months spent working on myself probably won't make a great deal of difference where finding someone is concerned. It will be just as hard in July or August as it would be now.
Joejoeyjoseph- talking less is something I am working on. I am an introvert, but have always felt pressured to be more outgoing and enetertaining. Now I am working on not always pushing myself to fill in the gaps in conversation, as it is too stressful. Repeating the last things they said is a good idea-I will try it out.