Self-sabotage

[ardour]

Do you find yourself anticipating a point in a relationship where it suddenly ends, then try to fast-forward to that event to spare yourself pain?

I sometimes self-sabotage. Not surprisingly it's mainly with women friends/acquaintances. I just assume that eventually they'll find a reason to dislike me and I want it over with now. Then I'll look back and wonder why they hell I acted that way.

 

[Lippy_Kid]

I just assume that eventually they'll find a reason to dislike me and I want it over with now.

Do you think that’s the reason deep down?

Maybe it’s the prospect of long term commitment, once its got passed the exciting early stages. If it’s moving into something a bit more settled and all the politeness and heady early happiness has gone and you start to see their faults as not endearing quirks but damn annoying aspects of their character. Perhaps you start to consider the idea of being single again and the benefits that can bring. Then once you break things off you get reflective and think it wasn't that bad and there were actually plenty of things you now miss and being single can actually be a bit lonely after a while.

I'm not saying that is the case, just talking from experience and offering an alternate view. I think there are pros and cons to both being single and being in a relationship so you can flip flop between the two thinking the grass is always greener until you're prepared to be in it for the long stretch.

 

[Scotsman]

Stop thinking about it so much. You're missing out on living it.

 

[ardour]

Do you think that’s the reason deep down?

Maybe it’s the prospect of long term commitment, once its got passed the exciting early stages. If it’s moving into something a bit more settled and all the politeness and heady early happiness has gone and you start to see their faults as not endearing quirks but damn annoying aspects of their character. Perhaps you start to consider the idea of being single again and the benefits that can bring. Then once you break things off you get reflective and think it wasn't that bad and there were actually plenty of things you now miss and being single can actually be a bit lonely after a while.

In my case it's only friendships and it's the opposite, they grow tired of me. I'm sick of waiting for it to happen, so I make it happen.

 

[ardour]

Stop thinking about it so much. You're missing out on living it.

Having friends or people you recently met suddenly turn on you doesn't feel like living. It's deeply unnerving.

When a person is "ultra nice" at first that raises a red flag with me: they're the type most likely to change abruptly over the most ridiculously minor things (like an instance of failing to return a smile), or because the apparent friendliness was a way of quickly getting to know someone so they can decide whether they really *want* to know them.

Fast forwarding to the time where they start avoiding me just seems like a way to minimise the angst. It means less because there's less time invested, less of a history between us.

I realize that no-one is listening any more. All I do is complain and it's gotten repetitive.

It's happening right now, with 2 or 3 people at work who I thought liked me. Strangers here are the only people I can talk 'at' about it.

 

[Lippy_Kid]

Speaking honestly here I have a few friends from school all but one of which I will see maybe only once or twice a year, I have probably only one friend from that group that I still see on a regular basis. The thing is though that suits me just fine, I have my kids girlfriend and family and they keep me busy enough, I rely on my friend for lifts to work occasionally when I have to drop the young one off at school, he'll tap me for some cash until payday, we schooled together, shared a room at Uni together, we're each others kids Godfathers, you know life long friends, the sort of thing that’s hard to cultivate from scratch once you're in adulthood.

I'm at an age now where I don't feel the need to forge new lasting friendships of that sort of depth. I know plenty of acquaintances and occasionally I'll go on a works night out for instance and if I'm down the pub I'll see plenty of people I will stop to say hello to but I wouldn't think to contact them out of the blue and ask them if they fancy a social drink or to talk about something that’s on my mind. Of course when I'm out I'll listen to people talk about their lives and have a deep an meaningful if needs be but its different from my friend who I can go to with my latest crisis or vice versa.

So I think that’s the problem for a lot of people trying to make new lasting friendships that go past being acquaintances, people are just reluctant to look for that level of friendship and commitment to someone as they have their lives to lead. It’s the same as being single really (albeit as a friend it’s ok to see other people!). I could make new 'close' friends but I would still choose to call my closest friend for the odd social night out that I manage these days. So I guess it is hard for people when they don't have that, people generally prefer to play the field regards any friendships beyond the life long friendships they have already made, you in fact probably need to find someone who is in a similar boat; "platonically single" and has the desire, time and capacity to allow a deep friendship to develop. I think it’s easier to find a romantic partner than it is to find a platonic one, as with a romantic one commitment generally comes as being assumed and part of the deal.