Before I begin I guess I should try my best to describe myself first. I am a 21 year old white male 5 foot 7 inches tall and I am medium/skinny body type. I have not had a serious relationship since I was 17 and I feel like women just don't like me or there's something wrong with my personality. I don't like to call myself a nice guy because lets be honest women do not like a self proclaimed nice guy so I'm just gonna leave it at I'm a good guy.I don't drink I don't do drugs and I try to treat others with respect as long as they respect me.(not judging anyone who does drink or do drugs to each their own) I am a generally happy person and I am in my second year of college.I am in a club and I also work at my college as a front desk receptionist so needless to day I am very social. But the one thing missing in my life that I yearn for is a companion. I'm not the kind of guy who is desperate for a girl but everyone I like or show interest rejects me. It sucks too because everyone around me is dating and getting married and I'm just single because I just can't find a girl who likes me for me. A lot of the same girls I've liked will reject me then go out with some ****** who treats them like crap.I also have a wide taste in women I really like black and hispanic girls and like girls of my own race to a lesser extent. I have asked out 8 girls in the last 4 years and have been rejected by 7 of them.The other one I went on a date with that seemed to go really good but then eventually she told me she didn't want to date any more. I just feel like such a loser and I feel like I'm gonna end up alone.I am also still a virgin so that doesn't help matters. I have had one girl show me a lot of attention in the last month. Inthe last week or so I keep getting mixed signals from her.I wanna ask her out or ask her if she likes me but after so much rejection I don't even wanna bother. I did have one girl agree to go out with me back in July but coming to find out she had a boyfriend so I called off the date before it even happened.Does anyone have any advice for me or experiencing the same problems?
Should I give up on relationships?
- Thread starter hiro94
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reynard_muldrake
Well-known member
To the OP: do you think your singlehood would still bother you if others around you didn't have a partner or spouse? It can be alienating when you realize you're the only one who hasn't taken the same path your peers had. Best not to worry about what others are doing. Just because they're in relationships doesn't equate to them finding happiness. As for the main question of giving up, don't. That's a definite way to not get what you want. At this stage of your life, it's too early to throw in the towel.
Also: never take BeyondShy's posts seriously.
Also: never take BeyondShy's posts seriously.
TheRealCallie
Princess Pink Love
Sorry, I can't read it either.
Going off the title only, no, you shouldn't give up on relationships. I don't feel that anyone should just give up based on bad experiences, even if there has been a lot. Change your outlook, change what you don't like, do something different, meet new people.
Going off the title only, no, you shouldn't give up on relationships. I don't feel that anyone should just give up based on bad experiences, even if there has been a lot. Change your outlook, change what you don't like, do something different, meet new people.
VanillaCreme
Well-known member
reynard_muldrake said:Also: never take BeyondShy's posts seriously.
BeyondShy was simply saying that he couldn't read something that looked like one large, long run-on sentence. That's not the first time someone's said that about a post.
I honestly don't think I could read that either. To the OP, breaking up one large paragraphs into smaller ones helps most people read more thoroughly.
Triple Bogey
Well-known member
hiro94 said:
Give up for now if it's pissing you off.
Concentrate on your job or career instead.
Earn some cash, buy a car or a house.
Go on holidays. You'll have a better time.
A
AmytheTemperamental
Guest
Sit back. Get your life where you want it to be. There is so much more to finding a companion than being a good person, social and what women want. If you get caught up in those things, you may end up not enjoying dating when it happens.
reynard_muldrake
Well-known member
VanillaCreme said:reynard_muldrake said:Also: never take BeyondShy's posts seriously.
BeyondShy was simply saying that he couldn't read something that looked like one large, long run-on sentence. That's not the first time someone's said that about a post.
I honestly don't think I could read that either. To the OP, breaking up one large paragraphs into smaller ones helps most people read more thoroughly.
I agree the OP's post was quite difficult to read. A simple "Could you break up that paragraph a bit?" would have sufficed, not "I couldn't be bothered reading your post". That's all. But it looks like the OP ended up getting a few good responses, so I hope he comes back and reads what we have to say.
TheSkaFish
Jedi Guardian
Deleted.
Triple Bogey
Well-known member
TheSkaFish said:
It's obvious what matters to some women.
TheRealCallie
Princess Pink Love
TheSkaFish said:
Each woman is different, so you can't be "what women want" because it's rare that women will want the same thing.
The part you are missing is connection to the woman, if a woman doesn't feel a connection with you, there won't be anything there.
TheSkaFish
Jedi Guardian
Deleted
TheRealCallie
Princess Pink Love
TheSkaFish said:
Well, with the confidence thing, there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance. (NOT saying you are arrogant here). Also, just because a woman doesn't come out and say they want something doesn't mean they won't be attracted to a guy that does things like being shy or not knowing what they are doing. I wouldn't turn down a guy that was shy or didn't know what they were doing, sometimes it can be refreshing and endearing.
Although, some women would love a guy that doesn't know what they are doing, so they can "train" them the way they want them.
TheSkaFish said:
Connection isn't a skill at all. It's like chemistry, you have it with some people and don't with others. Sometimes it's there and sometimes it's not. It's not really any different than friendships. You just click with some people and not with others. Perhaps you are too picky, perhaps you don't realize what you really want, perhaps it could be a million other things that are not enabling you to meet the people you would connect with. Honestly, I feel it's just trial and error, but if you throw all your chances away on connecting with someone because you don't feel they fit what you think you want, then maybe you're not giving people enough of a chance. Does that make sense?
VanillaCreme
Well-known member
TheSkaFish said:
Most. Not all. And that's not to say you'll never run into ladies that are similar. I'm sure you will. But don't put barriers up. You aren't what every female wants, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. There may be a female out there who wants a guy that doesn't know what he's doing, because perhaps she doesn't know what she's doing, and wants to experience things with a like-minded person. You never know.
TheSkaFish
Jedi Guardian
hiro94 said:
I have thought these things that you describe for the longest time. I too am tired of being single, and I often also worry that I am going to end up alone as well. But I keep trying to figure it out, I keep trying to figure out the things that I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing and the things I am not doing which I should be doing. I also think it's my personality that is the problem, because I think men generally have more leeway when it comes to looks and I have received some compliments on my looks, even from the women I wanted to date.
One frustrating thing I've noticed is that when I want to make a good impression with a girl, I haven't gotten it. But when I don't care, sometimes women actually find me attractive. I feel like I am cursed or something, but I don't believe in curses so I know I'm making some kind of mistake. I think the pressure from wanting to date a girl is making me screw up, because the times I don't care (and am considered attractive), I'm not under any pressure at all. I also think inexperience had a lot to do with it, at least for me.
I'd say look at your personality and identity, that's usually where the trouble is. How you come across, the impression you make on someone, who you influence them to believe that you are. Contrary to popular belief, it's usually NOT looks or money, unless you have a serious problem with either of those things. Some things I've learned is that women don't like worriers or complainers, so if you're doing that, stop. They don't like guys who display a lot of fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, and wishy-washiness. They also tend not to like guys who don't have a direction in life, or a solid identity - like, who are you? What do you do, what are you about? Are you making progress of some kind? Things like that. People seem to like people who are making some kind of progress towards what they want in life.
hiro94 said:
That's your age group, unfortunately. Girls in their late teens and early twenties are pretty much the target dating market for *********s and tough guys. I'm not saying all girls at that age like those kinds of guys, but a lot of them do, I would say more so then than at later ages. They have a lot of appeal with younger girls because guys like that usually have a flashy, cocky, rebellious image. Dating a guy like that can also be seen as a status symbol. It's stupid, but unfortunately it works. It's not the only way though.
hiro94 said:
For starters, you may want to not mention the virgin thing until you have to. You just don't want to give anyone any reason to lose interest. You don't want to help them reject you. Most of the time, there's just no good reason to call attention to it, or to bring up your dating past and past lack of success. In my experience that has tended to make women go cold. As a general rule you want to avoid anything that would make a woman say "aww poor hiro94". You want her to think of you as interesting, exciting, attractive - you don't want her to feel sorry for you, you don't want pity from her. Pity is an attraction killer, it's a total buzzkill. I learned this one the hard way when I foolishly let down my guard about this subject.
You're also right to dial back the nice guy thing to good guy. You don't have to be "bad", even though like I said, it unfortunately works very well. You can be good and it may even help you. But some things I have noticed, again from my experiences, is that you can't be afraid to disagree with a woman about something. They don't like "yes" men because it demonstrates a lack of confidence and backbone. Don't pretend to like things that you don't like or don't care about, and don't forget to have your own opinions about things even if you disagree as long as you do so respectfully.
Be careful with favors. I wouldn't do any big favors for a woman that I want to date but that I am not dating yet. That's not to say be a jerk, but don't be their servant. Basically if you wouldn't do it for someone you know well, don't do it. And if you've just met, don't treat them like someone you've been friends with for years. Keep things proportional, you don't want to give more than you receive. I don't mean sexually, I mean in terms of effort being put into the connection.
And don't talk to or hang out with her 24/7 - you still need to follow your own interests to stay interesting, so don't let those go.
That's all I have for now. I wish you well. Hopefully your luck will change soon.
BeyondShy
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reynard_muldrake said:Also: never take BeyondShy's posts seriously.
You're obsessed with me, aren't you?
VanillaCreme said:
That was it. No more and no less.
P.S. I still haven't read it.
reynard_muldrake said:
In the future would you like me to forward you my posts so you can mull them over and make corrections?
reynard_muldrake said:
Really? Who could tell with all the responses he got. That slipped right by me.
TheSkaFish said:
I could have written this too. Sad but true.
TheSkaFish
Jedi Guardian
BeyondShy said:TheSkaFish said:
I could have written this too. Sad but true.
Then you know how it feels - the fear of being alone forever, that scary "what if...". One thing I do to counteract these feelings is to just tell myself that it's easy, to look at how many people are able to get into relationships and I can do it too. I tell myself that I am good enough, that I am attractive and any girl including the ones I want would be lucky to have me. I'm trying to reprogram my thoughts on this as well as researching what general things make a man attractive to women, and I do believe my confidence and attractiveness have increased. I've looked up all kinds of things, asked questions, taken notes, lots of things. I am still not George Clooney, but I am certainly better than I was five years ago and TONS better than I was in high school. I tell myself that I am committed to figuring this out once and for all, and that I will not stop until I succeed.
Keep trying, keep thinking, keep working on yourself BeyondShy. Look at others who have what you want and try to figure out what they're doing to get it. Keep telling yourself that you will meet someone eventually, you just have to keep cool and do your best.
BeyondShy
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TheSkaFish said:
Yes, I do know how it feels.
I am trying to change my way of thinking also but it is so hard to do after years of negative thinking and being afraid of what others may think of you or what they may say about you. The fear of rejection is something that builds over the years and gets stronger. I have no idea why I expect people to judge me in a negative way right off the bat but I do. But you know something? Unfortunately that does happen sometimes. People may laugh at you or ignore you and when that happens to me I'm beaten. I have a hard time handling it. Damn, it even happens in here. There's some *******s in here who don't know me at all but they have already prejudged me.
I take advice well from the people I trust. I observe a lot and committed to memory many tips on how to be more outgoing, more approachable, more etc, etc. I have the information and I understand it but I don't know how to process it to turn it into a positive experience.
I am afraid to be alone and I don't want to be.
When I was a kid there was a guy who lived on my street who lived all by himself. We'd see him all the time because he always worked on his yard and his house was always squared away. All the neighbors knew him and he was friends with everyone and he never minded if a football was accidentally kicked into his yard. He hardly went anywhere and he hardly had any visitors. It was just him and his house. Lately I have begun to think of him because I am afraid that if things do not change for me I will eventually become that guy and I don't want that to happen.
I don't say much about myself in here because it doesn't seem to help. Sometimes when I try to I don't even get a response. Someone else may log on here one day and complain about a headache or a hangnail and they'll get ten get well wishes. It's a popularity contest in here and I know my place but I am damned if I will accept it.
I would rather work on myself and how to be better in my real life. That's what I need. A lot of people have great advice in here. It's a gold mine in here if you stop and listen and read. Your post just now was full of good advice and encouragement.
Thank you.
Solivagant
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I didn't have much trouble reading the original post. =/ At least he used punctuation; I've seen plenty worse here that people have read through. I'm sorry I don't have much advice to offer though.
I actually agree with this, though I would phrase it as "taking a break". If someone is getting to the point where the hope and search for a partner is making them feel constantly angry or worthless, it's time to take a mental break and focus on something else for awhile. It's hard to do, but it'll save you. I've been in that position so I know how it feels.
Personally I have no problem with shy guys, it's loudmouths and show-offs I can't stand. But in any case, I'm of the opinion that one can be both shy and confident (or shy and arrogant, or outgoing and not confident, etc...). To say otherwise would be saying that 'confident' and 'outgoing' are synonymous, which I don't believe. Being outgoing may be more likely to give one the illusion of being confident, but that's all it is. It's not hard to see past that in a hurry, if you're looking.
But I suppose it depends on your personal view of what confidence is. Really I think it's mostly a buzzword, something people say all the time without really thinking about.
What do you mean by "a guy who doesn't know what he is doing"? Doing in what aspect? No man or woman knows what they're doing in all things, that would be impossible.
Triple Bogey said:
I actually agree with this, though I would phrase it as "taking a break". If someone is getting to the point where the hope and search for a partner is making them feel constantly angry or worthless, it's time to take a mental break and focus on something else for awhile. It's hard to do, but it'll save you. I've been in that position so I know how it feels.
TheSkaFish said:
Personally I have no problem with shy guys, it's loudmouths and show-offs I can't stand. But in any case, I'm of the opinion that one can be both shy and confident (or shy and arrogant, or outgoing and not confident, etc...). To say otherwise would be saying that 'confident' and 'outgoing' are synonymous, which I don't believe. Being outgoing may be more likely to give one the illusion of being confident, but that's all it is. It's not hard to see past that in a hurry, if you're looking.
But I suppose it depends on your personal view of what confidence is. Really I think it's mostly a buzzword, something people say all the time without really thinking about.
What do you mean by "a guy who doesn't know what he is doing"? Doing in what aspect? No man or woman knows what they're doing in all things, that would be impossible.
V
Veruca
Guest
Hiro, if it helps, a lot of us are in the same boat. Perpetually single. Some of us try to make changes to help our case, some of us have given up.
My advice would be to not focus too much on it. At first that seems difficult, I know. Loneliness sucks. And when you're around couples it sucks even more.
But ultimately, whether or not you let this issue consume you, is up to you. I look at my inability to get into a decent romantic relationship ljke any other problem. What can I do to resolve it? Have I tried everything in my power? And if yes, what do I do now?
If after all that, you're still single then I think its best to not focus on it and put effort into other areas of your life. I dont know if its true for everyone, but for me at least, being in a relationship would be nice but its not the only thing in life that matters. I have other fulfilling goals I work towards.
I used to think like you when I was younger but age has helped me shift my focus. I think you should just go with the flow and enjoy the present moment. Definitely not give up but at the same time just let it happen when it does.
Hope this helps...and that you feel better
My advice would be to not focus too much on it. At first that seems difficult, I know. Loneliness sucks. And when you're around couples it sucks even more.
But ultimately, whether or not you let this issue consume you, is up to you. I look at my inability to get into a decent romantic relationship ljke any other problem. What can I do to resolve it? Have I tried everything in my power? And if yes, what do I do now?
If after all that, you're still single then I think its best to not focus on it and put effort into other areas of your life. I dont know if its true for everyone, but for me at least, being in a relationship would be nice but its not the only thing in life that matters. I have other fulfilling goals I work towards.
I used to think like you when I was younger but age has helped me shift my focus. I think you should just go with the flow and enjoy the present moment. Definitely not give up but at the same time just let it happen when it does.
Hope this helps...and that you feel better
