So lonesome, I could die

Unwanted94 · Dec 22, 2014

I've never been this lonely in my entire life. I can't even describe it. I feel so forsaken, rejected, worthless, small, like a pest, and cursed to death. I wish I knew why no one ever stays in my life. I wish I knew exactly why people seem so repulsed by me and why I am doomed to this bitter life of absolute worthlessness.
No matter how much I try to get my mind of it, I can't. I continue to feel unloved and small, and I constantly think about ending it every single day.

How do I cope with this ********? I stay home a lot these days because going out on my own was only making me more depressed. I only really go out if I have to. There are places that I will go out my own that I don't mind, like the book store. I have a younger brother, and we occasionally do things together, but that isn't very often. This is all becoming really unbearable, and the one thing that seemed to be helping me was cannabis, but I ran out, and the one person that I was buying it from said that they won't have any 'till whenever, and they said they'd let me know, but I'm sure they will forget about me too. Everyone does. I hope I don't sound whiny, but this is the ******* truth. You just don't ******* know.

I don't think my self-destructive ways are going to do me in as soon as I'd like it to. I can only escape this living nightmare in my sleep, for my dreams are often wonderful, and I wish to sleep for an eternity.

Frodothelost · Dec 22, 2014

hey buddy how's you doing there except your lonliness

Seeker_2.0 · Dec 23, 2014

Hang in there, man, if it has gotten so low for you it can only go back up from there, can't it?

Ak5 · Dec 23, 2014

First of all: Hey Unwanted, I remember you...I'm sad to see you back, but, I'm glad you have chosen to open up to us.

Right now I understand you're going through some hard times, but not everybody hates you. Out of the billions of people on this planet, not every single one has to like you, though.

I was reading the other thread you posted and it seems like you recently underwent yet another breakup. I'm sorry that you had your feelings hurt.

. I think that you're trying to place all your self worth on these relationships, and that is not a very good thing. As you know, you are liable to get hurt after a breakup... And you know that relationships are very fickle. I am not a relationship guru so I will just leave it at that.

. However, like I said before, I do believe that you're placing too much emphasis on the relationships as a measure of your self worth. Tried and true, one of the most important things you can do is loving yourself. And yeah, that sucks right now, I get it. You think that you will be prone to failure and are completely worthless... Why do you feel that way? Not everyone is certain to forget you.

Unwanted94 · Dec 23, 2014

I grew up pretty sheltered. My mom tried to raise us as Jehovah Witnesses, so that of course ****** me up. Not only that, but I was homeschooled most of my life, because I was always getting in trouble in school. Of all the people that I have met in my life, they have either moved away, forgot about me, completely disappeared, or were just using me. I've become this cynical ******** that's always messing **** up all the time, somehow. I can't believe I've continued to STILL even bother with others. I've gotten better at keeping distance and expectations lower, but I want to distance myself entirely. Talk to no one. Ever.

I need to construct a world of my own, and stay in it. I need to escape reality...not temporarily...permanent. Drugs are the only way of making that so, and I don't know enough people to get my hands on any. Too bad the government restricts everything. They'd rather us be down than up. So they'll prescribe us all that nasty **** that just drives us even more crazy. I want to lose my mind, but I sense I'll lose my artistic abilities in the process, which would destroy me considering art means everything to me.

Ak5 · Dec 23, 2014

You can't just say "this is it." You can't foretell the future. Also, you can't go hiding behind a veil forever, drugs wear off.

If you have a passion, continue pursuing it. If you want to live like a hermit and do art in your spare time, do so! Nobody is stopping you. But, I think that you're just going through a rough patch and that would probably not be the best option for you. Completely cutting yourself off with one brisk decision is not good, in my opinion.