so very sad - what's happening to me?

[Peaches]

Hope you forgive this whine, some days I just can't make it anymore - for the nth time, some one I liked at first sight, actually without even knowing him, was a major jerk with major mental problems in relationships. Since a few years I acknowledged the fact that for some reason those I feel a fancy for are usually creeps, so when I like someone instantly then I am extra careful to see the creep signs and avoid any kind of involvement until I know them better, and once again, here we go, major womanizer and seriously emotionally damaged.

I don't understand why, I don't go just for physical appearance, I try and control my "liking", I mean, I don't act upon it, but the liking is spontaneous, I cannot stop myself from feeling feelings, although after I see that they are creeps I don't like them anymore.

The thing that drives me crazy is: why is my instinct so precise, that I don't miss one single creep? Why can't I have a friend, a lover, or any kind of relationship that doesn't involve abuse? I don't even want love at all costs, I am just happy to meet valuable people and exchange something (that is not bodily fluids).

Sometimes I fall in the trap of thinking that I am just not attractive enough physically, but I did have enough feedback on that to know that that is not completely true, and I see people who are way less "standard" attractive having a family, so I guess it's not that.
How do I find a "normal", respectful, caring, not completely boring guy? All those guys I meet are happily married, what is left is just the creeps. Or is it me who brings the worst out of everyone? How do I do that? It hurts so much...

 

[whispers]

Its ok to have a certain type you are attracted to. I have my own, turns out they were also majorly screwed up lol. I think thinking someone is attractive doesnt mean you have to try for him. Just enjoy the view !!! Getting to know people regardless of their looks or type is the key to finding a great guy. Its only after you know someone that you can see his true beauty.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well...Peaches

I get where you're coming from.

So one of my friends was telling me...I need to stop going for hot blondes
with big ****s that looks like LITA FORD.
It's his fault ...he introduces me to them.lmao
He even suggested I go for latina babes just to change my flavor.
Hell, even my mother got on the band wagon told me the samething.
One of my exgf was a blonde. She dyed her brunette just to **** with me.
Thats about as close as I got to not dating a blonde. lmao

Yeap...toxic relationship is the sugar coat version of an abusive relationship.
The drugs, alcohol, hot sex, the wild life style...then of course the dramma and trauma.
The mental, emotional and physical abuse. A person suffers PTSD living through that.
Yeap....I guess you can label me as damaged goods.
Yes, Ive been accused of being a womenizer. I suffer from the I'll so you bitch syndrom.
After I heart gets crushed. I'm a bit JADDED. I dont handle rejection well.
I need releave and TLC. Is it my ego or self esteem?
I can do better. I deserve better.
As a matter of fact I can do so much better...I'll do whomever I want.
Living well is the best revenge. I need instance gradifications after getting
kicked around....
No, it wasnt a cure. I was bleeding. Duct tape or a banage to stop the bleeding.

The thing of it is...I've had plenty of beautiful nice women come after me.
For some strange reason my picker is broken.
It's not even where i meet them. Ive met women in church.
None of them have PYSCHO stamp on thier forehead when I meet them or court them.
They are on thier best behaviors...for whatever how long it would
take me to commit...6 months to a yr. it depends on the woman.
For some odd reason...the relationship changes once they have me.
The controlling, manipulations, jealouscy, head games...etc
It dosnt happen overnite.....

It's not just her hair. It's her personalities. The fun, out going, spontanous. living
life on the edge...The bad nangthy girls. I get totally turn on by that...or I get triggers.
So I'm willing to put up or tolerate the negative consequences that comes along with
that as much as I can. On the flip side of that she can very, very loving and kind
when she wants to.

I've been nice. Ive raise serveral children that wasnt my own.
I was a good man. I went to work and just came home.
I stopped partying. I stopped drinking. I provided for my family.
I poured every penny, energy into doing right and good.
At the end of those long term relationship. I got left for dead.
All of these women wants me back.....after they left me.
The grass wasnt greener on the other side evidently..
So...now dose that makes me feel?
It really ***** with my self esteem. Evidently I wasnt good enough
or worth enough. And it's not like...I was just dating them.
I raised thier children FFS and gave them a loving home.
Talk about feeling used and abused.

No, I dont bring out the worst in anyone.
We all make our own chioces.
I did the best as I could with what I had at that time.
How I felt ...what I believe in or didnt believe in anymore.

Evidently it's not over yet.
Life gose on. For better or worst. Life gose on.

 

[MadMonkè]

we are all screwed up. accept it. embrace it.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Don't know what to tell you Peaches, besides what Whispers said. It could be that you go for the damaged guys because of your own personal issues you have. With them being "damaged goods" as well there isn't the worry there that they might get fed up with your hang ups. I don't know. It's safer for you? Unlike the so called normal people who might look down on you and criticize you or try to fix you. Or I could be totally off. Anyway it seems like you have a handle on what you do which is great. Most of the time people are blind to that. I doubt you bring out the worst in people cause it's probably already there to begin with.

 

[Ak5]

I'm sure it isn't you who are bringing the worst. It is not your fault.

Why do you always fall for guys who end up being creeps? I honestly don't know. Probably talk to a professional? But again, maybe if you continue trying, you might just find one who isn't!

Good luck.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

How do I find a "normal", respectful, caring, not completely boring guy? All those guys I meet are happily married, what is left is just the creeps. Or is it me who brings the worst out of everyone? How do I do that? It hurts so much...

Perhaps you're just really unlucky?

I'm now on about the 12th girl who has ever shown an apparent romantic interest in me (no relationships or anything though) and it seems like only just now have I found someone that seems normal, friendly, respectful and genuine.

Before that the sorts of girls who wanted to get to know me...well...

There was a girl with some kind of serious personality issues, a girl who would sleep with any guy who laid eyes on her, one who didn't actually like me at all but randomly kept trying to touch me and one that suddenly snapped and started hurling abuse at me with absolutely no provocation.

I'm pretty much a gentlemanly, alright-looking guy and I never asked for any of that crap at all. So perhaps exactly the same thing can happen to a decent girl?

 

[Badjedidude]

Hope you forgive this whine, some days I just can't make it anymore - for the nth time, some one I liked at first sight, actually without even knowing him, was a major jerk with major mental problems in relationships. Since a few years I acknowledged the fact that for some reason those I feel a fancy for are usually creeps, so when I like someone instantly then I am extra careful to see the creep signs and avoid any kind of involvement until I know them better, and once again, here we go, major womanizer and seriously emotionally damaged.

I don't understand why, I don't go just for physical appearance, I try and control my "liking", I mean, I don't act upon it, but the liking is spontaneous, I cannot stop myself from feeling feelings, although after I see that they are creeps I don't like them anymore.

The thing that drives me crazy is: why is my instinct so precise, that I don't miss one single creep? Why can't I have a friend, a lover, or any kind of relationship that doesn't involve abuse? I don't even want love at all costs, I am just happy to meet valuable people and exchange something (that is not bodily fluids).

Sometimes I fall in the trap of thinking that I am just not attractive enough physically, but I did have enough feedback on that to know that that is not completely true, and I see people who are way less "standard" attractive having a family, so I guess it's not that.
How do I find a "normal", respectful, caring, not completely boring guy? All those guys I meet are happily married, what is left is just the creeps. Or is it me who brings the worst out of everyone? How do I do that? It hurts so much...

Here's my honest opinion.

It sounds like you don't know WHAT you want, and you're stuck in a rut of chasing after what you FEEL that you want.

A lot of women (and men) run into this problem, in that they never actually took the time to date different types of people, or they NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO BE SINGLE.

Maybe you should pledge yourself to go a year or two without any romantic interest whatsoever. Sure, you can meet a guy and feel like you're into him... but you don't HAVE to date that guy.

I've been single for quite a while now (and by single I mean I haven't been in a long-term relationship. I've dated around and such.), and I find that my thoughts on what kind of woman I'd want to end up with for LONG TERM has changed quite a bit from what I used to seek after. It's given me the ability to step back and look at things from another perspective.

Yeah, sometimes I feel that rush and I have a connection with a girl.... but my time single has given me the ability and the focus to REFUSE to act on that connection, because I KNOW that even though I have this connection with the girl, I KNOW that she wouldn't work for me and that a relationship with her would be a terrible idea. In this way, I'm able to feel what I feel, and yet still make solid, sound decisions on who I'm going to be with.

I have no doubt that I'll eventually find a woman that DOES give me that feeling of chemistry and connection, that WILL be right for me.

So I suggest you take some time to be single -- longer than you think you should.

 

[Peaches]

thank you for your replies - Badjedidude actually I have been single most of my life but since a few years I AM in fact taking some time to solve my issues - because I did have a terrible childhood and many scars, that I am trying to heal now - and to understand what I want, that is: a caring, supportive, growth-oriented guy with a good heart, forgetting about
any kind of standards I may have had about looks, education, social skills and the things that don't really matter (OK, a couple standards I did keep, otherwise we'd just be too different never thought of Lady Chatterley's Lover as an example for long term commitment).

I stopped going after bad guys almost 10 years ago, now when I see one that feels dangerous I step back to see if that is true and never ever initiate contact with them (even before, as soon as it was clear they were bad guys I'd break up with them, no abusive relationships thank you), but that didn't stop them from coming after me
THIS is the thing that kills me: it seems that no-one who is not a psycho looks at me twice, it's like the bad guys can read all the past suffering in my eyes (suffering that, unlike them, I confronted and dealt with) and they see that I can understand them, so they become instantly attracted. You have no idea how I tried to change the expression of my eyes, to see if any normal guy would feel attracted too Sometimes it just feels like my destiny, something I deserved in a past life, who knows, something that decided for me that I have to be confronted only with the ugliest side of humanity, and not the other sides. Maybe it's just my personality who is also ugly, but how do I change it? I am screwed up, but I never (seriously, almost never) hurt anyone, and I am always very careful with important relationships in my life, the little I could have, and I don't feel I deserve to meet exclusively borderline psychos. Maybe it's the lack of social skills if I like someone, I have a terrible time expressing it, and the bad guys, they come to you first, because they have no scruples at all.
Sorry, still very very depressed.

---

Its ok to have a certain type you are attracted to. I have my own, turns out they were also majorly screwed up lol. I think thinking someone is attractive doesnt mean you have to try for him. Just enjoy the view !!! Getting to know people regardless of their looks or type is the key to finding a great guy. Its only after you know someone that you can see his true beauty.

Hi Whispers, LOL
to Lonesome Crow: mine (type) had to be tall, not necessarily goodlooking but with those smooth ways, exceedingly smart and articulated, the soul of the party, ambitious, well dressed, knowledgeable in bed, and also very sensitive and deep (! LOL) since a long time I laugh at myself for the model I had in mind for so long without knowing

 

[whispers]

THIS is the thing that kills me: it seems that no-one who is not a psycho looks at me twice, it's like the bad guys can read all the past suffering in my eyes (suffering that, unlike them, I confronted and dealt with) and they see that I can understand them, so they become instantly attracted. You have no idea how I tried to change the expression of my eyes, to see if any normal guy would feel attracted too Sometimes it just feels like my destiny, something I deserved in a past life, who knows, something that decided for me that I have to be confronted only with the ugliest side of humanity, and not the other sides. Maybe it's just my personality who is also ugly, but how do I change it? I am screwed up, but I never (seriously, almost never) hurt anyone, and I am always very careful with important relationships in my life, the little I could have, and I don't feel I deserve to meet exclusively borderline psychos. Maybe it's the lack of social skills if I like someone, I have a terrible time expressing it, and the bad guys, they come to you first, because they have no scruples at all.
Sorry, still very very depressed.

---

---

I agree with you on this one, i think the manipulative, bordeline psychos, have a gift, they can sniff out someone with low self esteem. Thats how cult leader become so popular, they get the hurt, homeless, depressed , etc.
I beleive i had that look in my eyes once.... how do you change it ? Constant affirmations of how absolutely beautifull you are, inside and out. How strong and confident you are. Smile, look at people, if they give you a look, think to yourself that it has nothing to do with you...that person probably has bad herpies and is miserable.
Watch your posture, body language is the first impression. Shoulders up lol, because you own it baby !!