Personally, I'm the jealous insecure type, and I know this. Suprisingly, it's never been a huge problem, so, maybe I'm better at keeping it under control than I give myself credit for.
However, I think an important point, from my perspective is that, if you KNOW you are possessive; you've got to find some one who is too. You've got to both want each other on each other's leash. Now, there's two ways that can go. One, it can be doubly bad for the both of you, maybe. However, when it goes right, is when you are both of the personality type, to not be in the type of situations where either one of you is doing the types of things that make the other nervous.
Personally, I think committed partners should have no problem with the other having full access to eachother's private stuff; and shouldn't be bothered by the other rifling through it. You leave that stuff behind when you enter the door of commitment. You still need to respect eachother's space and all that, however. People need room to breathe, but... Mi Casa Su Casa, I tend to think is what it's all about.
For example. If I was to some how magically hook up with a super model, my ideal partner in physical beauty; BUT, she was a socialite, and had to have a very active social life. That would NOT work, and NOT be worth it. I just wouldn't be able to handle it. It's not that I'd distrust her; I'd be distrusting of everyone else. And, in a way, that's distrusting of her anyway, so...
If I was in the right place, the right time, with the right level of security, I could, perhaps, handle some one who had some fame; but, she'd have to be a home body, she'd have to prefer privacy to the spot light, and I would have to be her world. I'd have to know I was, and she'd have to enjoy being mine, because she would be. When she's on stage singing or dancing or acting, I'd have to know, she's doing it for herself and for me. She'd have to be singing to me, and no one else. And that's equally unlikely (at least in this day and age, I think to myself cynically).
So, I think Colster nailed it on the head from both angles. It's really sad, and unfortunate, but people don't realize how often they hook up with the wrong person. And I don't mean that from one side either. Both people, very often, do this. They will drag it on for years and years and years. I've done this myself. It really is insane, and crazy; but, so is love, in a lot of ways.
But, when you know it's good, you know it. I just think so few of us have experienced anyone in our lives who can influence us, that have known the good goods of a good match. A good match will still have it's ups and downs, probably even reach that walk to the edge moment; but, because the bond is so strong, because the match is so good, it wins out. It wins out because you have history, connection, and compatibility. When that happens, you may see Ferrari's all day long and think to yourself, 'damn that'd be nice.' But, then you remember, the four door sedan you have at home. You remember it's affordable, safe, comfortable, and doesn't break the bank. It's dependable, reliable, it gets you from point A to point B; and in the end, that's all that matters, really.
So to me, either you are overly possessive and paranoid, AND/OR, he is not trustworthy. Even if he IS trustworthy, it sounds like your constitution, just isn't made for all that jazz. And if he is a cheat, you forgive once, if you can and move on. Everybody gets one, I think, if you can manage to get over it within... I'd say a year, two at most (enough time to have your own fling, hah!). Ideally, though, if you can't get over it in... 4 to 6 months, it's not worth it, in my opinion. Blame yourself at that point and just realize it's not for you. If you don't want revenge and you can't let it go, then, I'd say it's already gone, isn't it?
Relationships are hard, marriage and children complicate that further, on top of finding a good match being tough enough as it is. Whatever you do, I think the children always come first. They need to know what respect is, even if the love is gone; because, I don't think you can have love, without respect. And if a split is in order, and you can respect each other, then you can love each other again, if only, in that you share children together, and I think that's powerful.
All easy things to say; but, good luck. Again, I think Colster and The Wanderer said it pretty well. Just my 2 cents.
