Strange Desperation...

[That Guy]

You know, I'm finding myself in this weird situation when it comes to relating to people and I was wondering if anyone was dealing with the same issues.

My childhood was pretty messed up. My parents didn't give me affection and I had few to no friends growing up. Those that got close to me typically roughed me up emotionally and psychologically. My entire childhood and adolescence were devoid of close emotional contact. I was never able to really connect to people and I could never understand why. It seemed every time I got close to someone I got hurt. It seems I managed over time to just shield myself from it and stop expressing myself in any deep way. Being alone was the only way to be "safe".

When I went to college I met my first girlfriend who I fell for pretty hard. The relationship went on for years but it was strained from the beginning. I didn't know it then, but after all the emotional abuse and neglect I had received I found it almost impossible to open up to my girl. Unknowingly I treated my g/f exactly like I was treated: harsh and neglectfully. I cared about her greatly, more than anyone in my life, but every time my g/f tried to open me up I would hide myself or lash out at her. I never learned to deal with my emotions and my g/f suffered for that. My problems with this eventually led me to break up with her b/c I thought the strain we felt was her fault. I only came to realize how badly I treated her and how much emotional baggage I was carrying years later. I wrote to my ex recently (3 years after our break) to ask about how she was. She has been dating a lot of people and is happily in another relationship. She was fairly reluctant to speak to me at first, but we eventually started talking about things that went down between us. At one point she said that I wanted her to make up for the love that my parents never gave me, which she attempted to do..."foolishly". I knew that was true. It kills me because I see now that my emotional issues and insecurities deeply hurt the only person I have ever came to be close to.

After hearing that I realized a lot about the way I have related to other people. My ex realized this when we were together, saying I kept trying to be "best friends with everyone", either loving them or hating them, always pushing those I hate away. Every time I try to make new friends I seem to smother people. I always be very honest and open with them. I tell them about my life and try to get real close really quick. Most of the time this just sets me up for criticism or hurt. I've noticed that all of my life I've been struggling for someone to fill the void in me, someone to relate all of my problems to and get close to. Growing up in an all-boys school taught me to keep stuffing away all the desires for emotion and closeness, but I desperately desire to unload my life on someone, anyone.

So this is the situation I see myself in: I can't seem to get anyone to "care" about me. No one loves me. If I died tomorrow no one would care all that much. Sure, some people would cry for a few days, say it was a shame, but they'd move on. I am not the center of anyone's world and no one is "there" for me. I'm always that "other" guy, the "fifth wheel", the "tag-along", the "side-kick". I don't talk to my parents (for obvious reasons), I don't have many friends or relatives, and those that I do have are fairly distant from me. I live alone. So all-in-all I feel so trapped, like I'm destined to never be able to let my weight down, traveling from person to person desperately hoping to unload, when all that does is scare people away or piss them off. I hate myself sometimes for being so damn revealing to people. I wish I could clam up about my life. But being around people and talking to them about my frustrations and inner thoughts makes me feel so relieved.

I'm just so worried about hurting another good girlfriend with all of this.

It's such a strange frustration...

I hope someone understands all this and can relate because it is difficult for me to even explain it...

 

[Living_in_solitude]

That guy,

I enjoyed your thread allot and I thank you for it. You seem to have found all the right words to describe the causes for our lonleyness. I found it very articulate and enlightening. I can see allot of similarities particularly when it comes to childhood and being in a relationship because I feel like I have also neglected my g/f because of emotional uncertainties.

My childhood was a difficult one as well and I was deprived of any emotions from my parents. I never recalled once hearing my father telling me that he loves me. All i remember about my father is being drunk all the time and at some point seeing my mother getting off the wagon as well because she wanted to escape all the humuliation which my father has caused us. My mother did not know any better!

Growing up in a sane environment is a crucial critiera in a child development. We become fully conscious as individuals when we reach teenagehood. this is the time when we become the persons that we are going to spend the rest of ourlives as. However instead of looking up to our parents for guidance we tend to distance ourselves from them because we are certain that they are not the best examples we would like to follow. We start acting more independent regardless of the way we choose to do it. Without guidance we do not distinguish between good descisions or bad. The one thing that it hurts more when we are teenagers is that we are never aware of the consequence of being independent because we never think that we will lack important social skills which are crucial for a healthy mental and emotional state untill it starts to hurt like it is hurting today. We desperatley try to go back to fix the problem but still we don't know how because we are not sure what is wrong with us. Even if we discover our faults we don't know how to fix them. Today I feel desperate too to go back in time and change history so that I can become less emotionless and more emotional only to find out that we became to an age when change is very difficult because our programming is defected by default. We cannot patch ourselves anymore, we need a reformat our personnalities. Yes we can fix this but this willl take MANY MANY years. the questions remain. do we have the energy to rework all of that? do we have the neccessary motivation to refix what is broken?

I will be speaking for myself, but I feel like this is an impossible task. At age 35 I cannot simply rewrite my personnality the way I would like it to be. It is too late for me to reacquire those skills, not that I did not want to and did not try. it's because I cannot go against my programming anymore because of the inner conflict and the struggles that it causes.

Am I making any sense?

 

[Arianna]

You know, I'm finding myself in this weird situation when it comes to relating to people and I was wondering if anyone was dealing with the same issues.

My childhood was pretty messed up. My parents didn't give me affection and I had few to no friends growing up. Those that got close to me typically roughed me up emotionally and psychologically. My entire childhood and adolescence were devoid of close emotional contact. I was never able to really connect to people and I could never understand why. It seemed every time I got close to someone I got hurt. It seems I managed over time to just shield myself from it and stop expressing myself in any deep way. Being alone was the only way to be "safe".

When I went to college I met my first girlfriend who I fell for pretty hard. The relationship went on for years but it was strained from the beginning. I didn't know it then, but after all the emotional abuse and neglect I had received I found it almost impossible to open up to my girl. Unknowingly I treated my g/f exactly like I was treated: harsh and neglectfully. I cared about her greatly, more than anyone in my life, but every time my g/f tried to open me up I would hide myself or lash out at her. I never learned to deal with my emotions and my g/f suffered for that. My problems with this eventually led me to break up with her b/c I thought the strain we felt was her fault. I only came to realize how badly I treated her and how much emotional baggage I was carrying years later. I wrote to my ex recently (3 years after our break) to ask about how she was. She has been dating a lot of people and is happily in another relationship. She was fairly reluctant to speak to me at first, but we eventually started talking about things that went down between us. At one point she said that I wanted her to make up for the love that my parents never gave me, which she attempted to do..."foolishly". I knew that was true. It kills me because I see now that my emotional issues and insecurities deeply hurt the only person I have ever came to be close to.

After hearing that I realized a lot about the way I have related to other people. My ex realized this when we were together, saying I kept trying to be "best friends with everyone", either loving them or hating them, always pushing those I hate away. Every time I try to make new friends I seem to smother people. I always be very honest and open with them. I tell them about my life and try to get real close really quick. Most of the time this just sets me up for criticism or hurt. I've noticed that all of my life I've been struggling for someone to fill the void in me, someone to relate all of my problems to and get close to. Growing up in an all-boys school taught me to keep stuffing away all the desires for emotion and closeness, but I desperately desire to unload my life on someone, anyone.

So this is the situation I see myself in: I can't seem to get anyone to "care" about me. No one loves me. If I died tomorrow no one would care all that much. Sure, some people would cry for a few days, say it was a shame, but they'd move on. I am not the center of anyone's world and no one is "there" for me. I'm always that "other" guy, the "fifth wheel", the "tag-along", the "side-kick". I don't talk to my parents (for obvious reasons), I don't have many friends or relatives, and those that I do have are fairly distant from me. I live alone. So all-in-all I feel so trapped, like I'm destined to never be able to let my weight down, traveling from person to person desperately hoping to unload, when all that does is scare people away or piss them off. I hate myself sometimes for being so damn revealing to people. I wish I could clam up about my life. But being around people and talking to them about my frustrations and inner thoughts makes me feel so relieved.

I'm just so worried about hurting another good girlfriend with all of this.

It's such a strange frustration...

I hope someone understands all this and can relate because it is difficult for me to even explain it...

There isn't anybody in this whole world that doesn't feel that something's wrong with them. We all have our doubts about ourselves. And just because one relationship doesn't work..doesn't mean that we'll never find what we're looking for. Try to stay happy and optimistic. You never know what the next day's going to bring.

 

[That Guy]

Yes, you do make sense, Solitude. And thanks for the compliment.

It is sort of scary. I know now what is causing all of my frustration, but you are right in that we can't go back and fix it. There was nothing we could have done anyway. It was never our fault. We couldn't help which parents raised us and how. We could never go back to when we were 2 and ask our parents to hug us or love us. These are the burdens we are seemingly destined to bear forever. It's so depressing.

Arianna, I understand everyone has "something wrong" but it seems my "wrong" makes me almost completely dysfunctional. Everyone seems to be able to deal with everyday stresses and manage relationships FAR better than I can possibly imagine. As much as I try to figure out what they are doing that makes them happy or manageable, I just can't get my mind around it. People I've only known for a day or so come right out and tell me now: "Wow, you seem really miserable/negative/lonely...etc, etc". These problems come right out and show themselves without me even thinking about it, whether through my posture, tone, the words I use, or the lack of them.

I can't help but be me, but I am all messed up. I want to "stay" happy, but I can't even "get" happy. And I know what the next day is going to bring: the same me approaching different situations with the same light, resulting in more loneliness and frustration. I don't mean to sound negative, but this is the history I've had. I can't seem to help but approach the world in a way that causes me to be miserable. And while I struggle to cope with my attitude toward living, everyone I know continues to build their lives, relationships, and careers happily and productively around me, making me more miserable and feeling more "left behind".

Is there anything I can really do?

 

[Lost_N_Alone]

You know, I'm finding myself in this weird situation when it comes to relating to people and I was wondering if anyone was dealing with the same issues.

My childhood was pretty messed up. My parents didn't give me affection and I had few to no friends growing up. Those that got close to me typically roughed me up emotionally and psychologically. My entire childhood and adolescence were devoid of close emotional contact. I was never able to really connect to people and I could never understand why. It seemed every time I got close to someone I got hurt. It seems I managed over time to just shield myself from it and stop expressing myself in any deep way. Being alone was the only way to be "safe".

When I went to college I met my first girlfriend who I fell for pretty hard. The relationship went on for years but it was strained from the beginning. I didn't know it then, but after all the emotional abuse and neglect I had received I found it almost impossible to open up to my girl. Unknowingly I treated my g/f exactly like I was treated: harsh and neglectfully. I cared about her greatly, more than anyone in my life, but every time my g/f tried to open me up I would hide myself or lash out at her. I never learned to deal with my emotions and my g/f suffered for that. My problems with this eventually led me to break up with her b/c I thought the strain we felt was her fault. I only came to realize how badly I treated her and how much emotional baggage I was carrying years later. I wrote to my ex recently (3 years after our break) to ask about how she was. She has been dating a lot of people and is happily in another relationship. She was fairly reluctant to speak to me at first, but we eventually started talking about things that went down between us. At one point she said that I wanted her to make up for the love that my parents never gave me, which she attempted to do..."foolishly". I knew that was true. It kills me because I see now that my emotional issues and insecurities deeply hurt the only person I have ever came to be close to.

After hearing that I realized a lot about the way I have related to other people. My ex realized this when we were together, saying I kept trying to be "best friends with everyone", either loving them or hating them, always pushing those I hate away. Every time I try to make new friends I seem to smother people. I always be very honest and open with them. I tell them about my life and try to get real close really quick. Most of the time this just sets me up for criticism or hurt. I've noticed that all of my life I've been struggling for someone to fill the void in me, someone to relate all of my problems to and get close to. Growing up in an all-boys school taught me to keep stuffing away all the desires for emotion and closeness, but I desperately desire to unload my life on someone, anyone.

So this is the situation I see myself in: I can't seem to get anyone to "care" about me. No one loves me. If I died tomorrow no one would care all that much. Sure, some people would cry for a few days, say it was a shame, but they'd move on. I am not the center of anyone's world and no one is "there" for me. I'm always that "other" guy, the "fifth wheel", the "tag-along", the "side-kick". I don't talk to my parents (for obvious reasons), I don't have many friends or relatives, and those that I do have are fairly distant from me. I live alone. So all-in-all I feel so trapped, like I'm destined to never be able to let my weight down, traveling from person to person desperately hoping to unload, when all that does is scare people away or piss them off. I hate myself sometimes for being so damn revealing to people. I wish I could clam up about my life. But being around people and talking to them about my frustrations and inner thoughts makes me feel so relieved.

I'm just so worried about hurting another good girlfriend with all of this.

It's such a strange frustration...

I hope someone understands all this and can relate because it is difficult for me to even explain it...

I understand a lot of what your wrote. I also went through a rather unhappy childhood. Well, adolesence actually. At any rate, my father was only able to show his love to me by teasing me and giving me material things. My mother was more affectionate, but although I was close with her, it seemed I could never really relate to her. She had an opposite personality than me. Even at a young age I always craved finding someone who I could bond with and who would understand me.

When I finally entered into the only serious realtionship I ever had, I expected her to fill all the emotional emptiness that was inside. I depended on her too much. It was my fault for expecting so much from her. Our relationship was just never meant to be at any rate. Aside from her I never really opened up to anyone. It's not that I didn't want to, I just felt I couldn't relate to anyone. I've always wanted to be open and pour my heart out, but I never trusted anyone enough to do so except for my ex.

What I realize now is that I can not expect anyone else to give me the love that I crave because happiness can not come from outside. Partly it can, but it has to only compliment what happiness I can give myself. I can't depend on someone else to fulfill all my emotional needs. Unloading myself will only partly ease the burden I feel inside. The way I unload is to write things down, never letting anyone read it. I wish I had someone close enough to unload to outloud, but right now I don't.

The reason why I don't unload onto anyone is because few could understand the experience that haunt me. I have tried even looking for people online that might understand, but for the most part have been unsuccessful. It's still very painful to talk about some of the things from my years growing up that haunt me still. I do finally realize that even when I unload and pour my heart out to someone, that will only be temporary solution. I will still have those inner demons, the source of all that pain, to battle alone inside me. Only I can do that. It would be nice to have someone there to help, but even so, I believe it can be done on my own. Somehow. Someway. Someday.

As usual my thoughts have rambled. I doubt I got across the point I was trying to get. I realize that with my next girlfriend (if I ever get one) I won't be so revealing at first and won't expect her to be the sole strength to hold me up.

I rambled again. Hope I made sense in some way. I feel as alone as you do. Few would miss me if I left this earth tomorrow. Those who did would probably forget very soon after. But like I said, I can't live for others, just for myself.

You're not as alone as you think.

 

[That Guy]

Wow, thanks LNA. It's good to hear I'm not the only one out there dealing with these kinds of things. Don't worry about rambling. The more I hear from people, no matter how coherent, the better I feel. Each word is a comfort.

I was doing a little research on how I've been feeling. I came across these:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_insecurity
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

Maybe it will help some people...

 

[Lost_N_Alone]

Wow, thanks LNA. It's good to hear I'm not the only one out there dealing with these kinds of things. Don't worry about rambling. The more I hear from people, no matter how coherent, the better I feel. Each word is a comfort.

I was doing a little research on how I've been feeling. I came across these:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_insecurity
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

Maybe it will help some people...

Hey, no problem. Glad my words can be of some comfort to someone. It also helps to know I'm not the only one struggling with the types of things I struggle with.

I have not been diagnosed with Avoidant personality disorder, but I really do think I may suffer from it. Perhaps only some traits of it, but I know I suffer from many of the symptoms of it. I was once diagnosed with having traits of dependent perosnality disorder:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependent_personality_disorder

Just remember the dangers in self diagnoses. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.

 

[Guest]

I was reading the original post in tears its like someone wrote a biography on me
i understand and can relate to everything
Apart from the fact that you had a girlfriend, never had one



~LongtimeLurker

 

[Arianna]

Yes, you do make sense, Solitude. And thanks for the compliment.

It is sort of scary. I know now what is causing all of my frustration, but you are right in that we can't go back and fix it. There was nothing we could have done anyway. It was never our fault. We couldn't help which parents raised us and how. We could never go back to when we were 2 and ask our parents to hug us or love us. These are the burdens we are seemingly destined to bear forever. It's so depressing.

Arianna, I understand everyone has "something wrong" but it seems my "wrong" makes me almost completely dysfunctional. Everyone seems to be able to deal with everyday stresses and manage relationships FAR better than I can possibly imagine. As much as I try to figure out what they are doing that makes them happy or manageable, I just can't get my mind around it. People I've only known for a day or so come right out and tell me now: "Wow, you seem really miserable/negative/lonely...etc, etc". These problems come right out and show themselves without me even thinking about it, whether through my posture, tone, the words I use, or the lack of them.

I can't help but be me, but I am all messed up. I want to "stay" happy, but I can't even "get" happy. And I know what the next day is going to bring: the same me approaching different situations with the same light, resulting in more loneliness and frustration. I don't mean to sound negative, but this is the history I've had. I can't seem to help but approach the world in a way that causes me to be miserable. And while I struggle to cope with my attitude toward living, everyone I know continues to build their lives, relationships, and careers happily and productively around me, making me more miserable and feeling more "left behind".

Is there anything I can really do?

I am not going to tell you about my childhood..only to say it was a very frightening place at times. But I survived it. How? By learning to love myself first. This is the single and hardest thing for people to do. And the second step is.. to get up..get out.. and find a way to help others who really need you! When you're feeling at your worse..the best thing you can possibly do is to be around a positive environment. Like handing out food at a food bank, reading stories to children in school, etc. You get the idea don't you? These activities actually heal the soul. Because what most people are looking for is getting and receiving love..but there's all kinds of love..you know that.

 

[mink]

I am not going to tell you about my childhood..only to say it was a very frightening place at times. But I survived it. How? By learning to love myself first. This is the single and hardest thing for people to do. And the second step is.. to get up..get out.. and find a way to help others who really need you! When you're feeling at your worse..the best thing you can possibly do is to be around a positive environment. Like handing out food at a food bank, reading stories to children in school, etc. You get the idea don't you? These activities actually heal the soul. Because what most people are looking for is getting and receiving love..but there's all kinds of love..you know that.

I totally agree with you on this one. Even just by listening to other people's problems or trying to help them work things out helps in some way. I find that true cos i've thought to myself and even went through doing it myself that when I listen to others and help them when they ask for it, it makes me feel good and somehow makes me look at my own problems clearer. Like the mind had taken a break, taken a walk and is then refreshed to deal with myself. It helps, really. For me, that is.

 

[Arianna]

I am not going to tell you about my childhood..only to say it was a very frightening place at times. But I survived it. How? By learning to love myself first. This is the single and hardest thing for people to do. And the second step is.. to get up..get out.. and find a way to help others who really need you! When you're feeling at your worse..the best thing you can possibly do is to be around a positive environment. Like handing out food at a food bank, reading stories to children in school, etc. You get the idea don't you? These activities actually heal the soul. Because what most people are looking for is getting and receiving love..but there's all kinds of love..you know that.

I totally agree with you on this one. Even just by listening to other people's problems or trying to help them work things out helps in some way. I find that true cos i've thought to myself and even went through doing it myself that when I listen to others and help them when they ask for it, it makes me feel good and somehow makes me look at my own problems clearer. Like the mind had taken a break, taken a walk and is then refreshed to deal with myself. It helps, really. For me, that is.

That's because in some deep - undefined way - we are all connected to each other.. .as we are to this planet. It's just that a lot of other stuff tends to blind our way.